The Student Room Group

Mom hates my girlfriend?

I ve been with my girlfriend for 2 and a half years now. Almost 3 years. I knew her as an acquaintance a few years ago but I was in love with her that time as well and so was she but couldn't get together due to unfortunate events. We had a period of no contact where I dated another girl but we eventually broke up and I reconnected back to my girlfriend.

Anyways, I'm Jewish,I'm Israeli and Danish and my girlfriend is not. She belongs to Hinduism and shes Indian. This is where the problem began with my mother. I ve dated girls from other religions but they were white and my mom had no issues with it. My family is open to me or my brothers dating Non Jewish women but when it comes to marriage, every guy in my entire family has always married a Jewish woman.

My mom was fine with my girlfriend until I told her that shes the one I'm going to marry. I knew it straightaway when I first saw her a few years ago that she was the girl I always dreamt of having as a wife. She feels the same as it was "love at first sight" and she told me that the reason she was so attracted to me when she saw me for the first time as she also had this "ideal husband" in her mind.

Shes gorgeous and she has a lighter complexion which became the reason for my mom to take jabs at. She went on to say that did she bleach her skin to look lighter. She also said that she doesnt compliment me since her dark eyes/dark hair dont look good in contrast with my blue eyes/brown hair.
She has said a few more nasty things which I dont want to address as its shameful but it was mostly about India's economy/cleanliness/crime etc. My girlfriend is a very emotional person and she broke down on hearing such awfully racist comments.

I love my mum and she has always been extremely supportive of me but we are always at loggerheads these days due to my gf. It's gotten to the point where I feel like cutting ties with her. I cannot leave my gf as I really love this girl and we share a deep connection that I ve never experienced before with anybody else. Shes an extremely caring and kind person and she loves me a lot. Shes the type of girl who would do anything for me even at her expense.

What should I do in this case? Should I speak to my mum and give her a final call or should I simply just move out and distance myself?

Scroll to see replies

You need to make it clear to your mum if 100% without a doubt in your mind you love your girlfriend your mum should understand because your mum should always love to see you happy
Reply 2
Original post by learner38
You need to make it clear to your mum if 100% without a doubt in your mind you love your girlfriend your mum should understand because your mum should always love to see you happy

There's no doubt. I really love my girlfriend and cannot see my future without her. I dont understand what's wrong with my mum because she has supported me in EVERY single thing I ve done. Even if some of those things were silly. Its ironical how shes acting now. It's highly frustrating
What does your dad & brothers think of her? If they think positive and are supportive of you, maybe they could convince your mum to see a different perspective on your relationship?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds really awful for you and your girlfriend. Hopefully with time all will be fine and I pray that it truly gets better for you.
Reply 4
Original post by Anonymous
What does your dad & brothers think of her? If they think positive and are supportive of you, maybe they could convince your mum to see a different perspective on your relationship?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds really awful for you and your girlfriend. Hopefully with time all will be fine and I pray that it truly gets better for you.

Dad seems to like her but the question arises that how she is not Jewish.
My brothers are the same. I'm the eldest out of the 3 so the two are younger than me. My youngest brother is much more accepting than the middle one.
The only ones who seem to accept her are my cousin sisters.
Reply 5
Original post by Anonymous
What does your dad & brothers think of her? If they think positive and are supportive of you, maybe they could convince your mum to see a different perspective on your relationship?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds really awful for you and your girlfriend. Hopefully with time all will be fine and I pray that it truly gets better for you.


Original post by Anonymous
Dad seems to like her but the question arises that how she is not Jewish.
My brothers are the same. I'm the eldest out of the 3 so the two are younger than me. My youngest brother is much more accepting than the middle one.
The only ones who seem to accept her are my cousin sisters.

It's not just about how shes not Jewish. It's more so about how shes not white and European. Instead how shes from a completely different culture and religion.
Reply 6
The fun part is our differences never surfaced and she does have a good knowledge of Judaism as she did have her academic modules on Judaism at uni. So it's not like she doesnt know anything.
Hmmmm. I think you’re just going to have to fight your way through this one. Stand your ground and be strong. I don’t think there’s much you can do to change their minds other than explain your side and how this is your life and it’s what you want. When you said your differences don’t show up and she does have a good knowledge of your religion, maybe she should meet your parents? Sorry I don’t know if it was clear earlier in your initial post but has your family met her? Maybe if they do, they can see her for who she is, the way you’re describing her in terms of the knowledge she poses etc and how cultural difference isn’t a big factor at all and they may change their minds that way. But if not, this is your life and you gotta make your stand. You got this!
Reply 8
Original post by Anonymous
Hmmmm. I think you’re just going to have to fight your way through this one. Stand your ground and be strong. I don’t think there’s much you can do to change their minds other than explain your side and how this is your life and it’s what you want. When you said your differences don’t show up and she does have a good knowledge of your religion, maybe she should meet your parents? Sorry I don’t know if it was clear earlier in your initial post but has your family met her? Maybe if they do, they can see her for who she is, the way you’re describing her in terms of the knowledge she poses etc and how cultural difference isn’t a big factor at all and they may change their minds that way. But if not, this is your life and you gotta make your stand. You got this!

Hey thanks!

Yes they ve met her. That's how the comments were made unfortunately. Ended on a sour note as my gf broke down after the bleach skin comment.

Shes a bit different so shes not fond of traditional indian clothing or Bollywood so nothing of that sort ever crops up. The only indian things I come across are certain foods and home decoration items like peacock or elephant inspired stuff. And I personally love both. She does speak in her native language ie Hindu with her parents/friends but that's no issue at all.
Reply 9
More opinions on this situation needed!!
If your mum had some valid reason for your girlfriend not being good wife material for you, I'd say listen to your mum.
For example if the 2 of you were sexually incompatible. Or were incompatible in your attitude to money. Or how you resolve conflict with each other.

But instead your mum is saying don't get married on the basis of eye and hair colour being different! What sort of hogwash is that?! What a load of nonsense! You're trying to get married to someone you love and who loves you back and is worthy of your love and is compatible in a few key areas. You're not trying to breed some kind of pure-bred master-race.

My advice is for you to be assertive. And to stand up to your mother's entirely shallow and racist objections.

You should have if you haven't already, an honest, open adult conversation with your mum, where you discuss all the deeper things, like key compatabilities, to see if your mum has spotted any actual key incompatabilities with your girlfiriend. This would be along the lines of "Apart from her eye colour, hair colour, skin colour, religious and ehtnic background, is there anything else at all that you don't like about my fiancee?". Listen carefully to what she says. And decide if there's any merit to it.

If all she has to say is this shallow eye and hair colour type stuff, remind her that mixed race children tend to be cute looking.
Reply 11
No! Never do that. If you do, bigotism and hatred wins. Your mum has a right to give you advice, but she has absolutely no right to determine who you spend your life with. You need to be with someone who makes you happy, and it sounds like you most definitely are.


or should I simply just move out and distance myself?


Do this, and make it clear to your mum that she is the problem. Eventually she might come round and see sense. After a while, invite them all to the wedding. If they turn up, good. If not, their loss.
Where I am from, people call me a Jewish monk sometimes. The next time your mother says that to her, tell her she is forgetting the writings in the Torah about loving the neighbour as yourself. She isn't angry about the fact that she's not Jewish, she's annoyed that your girlfriend is of a different race and Jews like that are forgetting the teachings and scriptures, we were never taught to discriminate and we should never do that as we all descended from various tribes who came from different backgrounds. The hypocrisy going on in Israel at the moment, some Jews are discriminating against the Ethiopian Jews who have done absolutely nothing. I have no respect for those Jews that are racist, they have no dam reason to and it is damaging the return to Israel itself, as if God wanted anyone to discriminate other Jews when you are a Jew yourself. Dam imbeciles.

But please, try and get her to convert if that is possible. This is where the religious conflict comes into place. On the other hand, as a Jew you want to be as religious as possible and it is best your children are also Jewish. Or if religion doesn't matter to you, then so be it. But it is much better if you carry your faith onto your next generations.

I too, like you, have a strong attraction to Indian or brown skinned girls and I am Jewish. Not sure why though but it is how it is
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
If your mum had some valid reason for your girlfriend not being good wife material for you, I'd say listen to your mum.
For example if the 2 of you were sexually incompatible. Or were incompatible in your attitude to money. Or how you resolve conflict with each other.

But instead your mum is saying don't get married on the basis of eye and hair colour being different! What sort of hogwash is that?! What a load of nonsense! You're trying to get married to someone you love and who loves you back and is worthy of your love and is compatible in a few key areas. You're not trying to breed some kind of pure-bred master-race.

My advice is for you to be assertive. And to stand up to your mother's entirely shallow and racist objections.

You should have if you haven't already, an honest, open adult conversation with your mum, where you discuss all the deeper things, like key compatabilities, to see if your mum has spotted any actual key incompatabilities with your girlfiriend. This would be along the lines of "Apart from her eye colour, hair colour, skin colour, religious and ehtnic background, is there anything else at all that you don't like about my fiancee?". Listen carefully to what she says. And decide if there's any merit to it.

If all she has to say is this shallow eye and hair colour type stuff, remind her that mixed race children tend to be cute looking.

I ve had heated arguments with her before. She called my girlfriend a wannabe white girl in front of him since my gf is much lighter skinned than her usual indian counterparts. Shes not white so I dont know why she said that. But apparently, my cousin sister told me that she was saying Indians are usually dark and shes light so that's strange unless shes bleached her skin. I was so pissed at this and we had several rows.

I ve mentioned how happy I feel with her. She knows how supportive my gf is of me and how much she is willing to cooperate and accommodate. We had a discussion about our kids and I want to raise them Jewish and she even agreed to do so. But all my mum cares about his her race and religion.

I ve had a white Spanish girlfriend before and she was okay with her. I guess because she was European. And I never proposed marriage anyway.
Original post by DR.DOOM
Where I am from, people call me a Jewish monk sometimes. The next time your mother says that to her, tell her she is forgetting the writings in the Torah about loving the neighbour as yourself. She isn't angry about the fact that she's not Jewish, she's annoyed that your girlfriend is of a different race and Jews like that are forgetting the teachings and scriptures, we were never taught to discriminate and we should never do that as we all descended from various tribes who came from different backgrounds. The hypocrisy going on in Israel at the moment, some Jews are discriminating against the Ethiopian Jews who have done absolutely nothing. I have no respect for those Jews that are racist, they have no dam reason to and it is damaging the return to Israel itself, as if God wanted anyone to discriminate other Jews when you are a Jew yourself. Dam imbeciles.

But please, try and get her to convert if that is possible. This is where the religious conflict comes into place. On the other hand, as a Jew you want to be as religious as possible and it is best your children are also Jewish. Or if religion doesn't matter to you, then so be it. But it is much better if you carry your faith onto your next generations.

I too, like you, have a strong attraction to Indian or brown skinned girls and I am Jewish. Not sure why though but it is how it is

I know. It's so hypocritical. I never thought my mum would speak like this. I always knew her as an extremely supportive and loving mother. I ve tried to give a religious twist to my discussions with her but she straight up says how my gf will never understand our culture or race and how we look dreadful together.
In all honesty, everyone who sees us together says we look like a perfect match. So I dunno that.

We haven't discussed conversion but we have talked about children and shes willing to raise them as Jewish.

I guess some of us gave a thing for them haha. When I saw mine, I was in awe of how stunning she was. And it was like the girl I always wanted as my wife. You know the kind of ideal image you have that's how my spouse should look like and the qualities they should possess. She was 10/10 on it.
Original post by Talon
No! Never do that. If you do, bigotism and hatred wins. Your mum has a right to give you advice, but she has absolutely no right to determine who you spend your life with. You need to be with someone who makes you happy, and it sounds like you most definitely are.



Do this, and make it clear to your mum that she is the problem. Eventually she might come round and see sense. After a while, invite them all to the wedding. If they turn up, good. If not, their loss.

That's what I planning to do. Maybe she will understand.
Any more ideas please??
That is just shocking. Tell your mother what I said, we were never brought up to discriminate others and show her what the Mishna says, according to Rabbis one paragraph of the Mishna specifically says:

“Why did God create swarms of bees, prides of lions, herds of deer, schools of fish, and flocks of birds, and only one human couple? So that no one can say to another ‘My ancestry is superior to yours’” (Mishnah, Sanhedrin 4:5) [1]

Interestingly enough, the Mishna is constantly ignored in teachings today. For instance, the ideas on abortion as some Jews are against laws of abortion and wish to scrap them even if the woman could die if the baby is born. And if your girlfriend wants to raise your children as Jewish you have nothing to worry for. Your mother is degrading our teachings, we were never taught to discriminate against another person. As long as your children are Jewish, in my opinion, you should ignore what your mother has to say
Your mother's racism might ease or change over time as she begins to see through your experience that it is misguided - but it is shocking that it is to a degree that she would openly make comments in front of your girlfriend, so it's possible that it never will. Having a hateful/racist mother in law can put a great strain on a marriage. This was my mother's experience; it caused her such anguish over the years (including mother in law sometimes turning father against her) that she warned us daughters not to get involved any further if we realise the Mother in Law doesn't like us. I would have ignored that for the right man, luckily I didn't have to.

This might be something that you will just have to manage for the rest of her life. You could cut her out, which would make things difficult for you and the rest of your family, or you could end up dealing with having to call her out on it time and time again. Of course you must never sit back and accept it, but I tend to take the path of least conflict by trying to avoid unresolvable issues altogether as much as possible and only speaking up as much as is necessary.

Explaining, debating, trying to make her think about how her views could be wrong, beauty ideals being subjective, the qualities of your girlfriend as a person meaning cultural differences are only an enhancement rather than a hindrance to how your relationship actually works and refusing to accept any insulting comment as okay over years and years, while also reminding her that this doesn't fit with how she generally views all other situations might start to make her see that there is something wrong with the way she sees things.
But it might not.

Since you can't change who your mother is, or who the love of your life is, it will be something you will just have to manage in whatever way seems best to the both of you. If it gets to a point where is is seriously damaging your relationship, you may have to cut her. The families we build are the future, they come first. But the families we are born into are important source of sense of self, security, support and education so... Difficult situation.
Original post by Ribbits
Your mother's racism might ease or change over time as she begins to see through your experience that it is misguided - but it is shocking that it is to a degree that she would openly make comments in front of your girlfriend, so it's possible that it never will. Having a hateful/racist mother in law can put a great strain on a marriage. This was my mother's experience; it caused her such anguish over the years (including mother in law sometimes turning father against her) that she warned us daughters not to get involved any further if we realise the Mother in Law doesn't like us. I would have ignored that for the right man, luckily I didn't have to.

This might be something that you will just have to manage for the rest of her life. You could cut her out, which would make things difficult for you and the rest of your family, or you could end up dealing with having to call her out on it time and time again. Of course you must never sit back and accept it, but I tend to take the path of least conflict by trying to avoid unresolvable issues altogether as much as possible and only speaking up as much as is necessary.

Explaining, debating, trying to make her think about how her views could be wrong, beauty ideals being subjective, the qualities of your girlfriend as a person meaning cultural differences are only an enhancement rather than a hindrance to how your relationship actually works and refusing to accept any insulting comment as okay over years and years, while also reminding her that this doesn't fit with how she generally views all other situations might start to make her see that there is something wrong with the way she sees things.
But it might not.

Since you can't change who your mother is, or who the love of your life is, it will be something you will just have to manage in whatever way seems best to the both of you. If it gets to a point where is is seriously damaging your relationship, you may have to cut her. The families we build are the future, they come first. But the families we are born into are important source of sense of self, security, support and education so... Difficult situation.

My gf has broken down many times and I feel horrible because I feel I'm the source of the problem. I ve just decided to keep away from my mom and hope she comes around. She clearly knows we both love each other a lot. It's just that she wasnt expecting me to actually decide to marry a non Jew.

I have had a female friend since childhood who is Jewish and she actually wanted me to marry her. So both her and my now ex friend are horrified that I actually took my gf seriously enough.

Quick Reply

Latest