liamlarner
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can someone tell me roughly what i would get for this story i have taken into account language and structure. when being rough remember (24 marks for content) (16 marks for technical accuracy)

Q5 Write a story about a time when you felt threatened (40 marks)

One evening in a house in Chelsea there was a new years party for the celebration of going into 2020. The party was part of a upper class society at just gone 10pm , Adam headed to bed just before Adam went to bed he looked out the window and could see that the sky was picturesque it was as blue as a bluebottle. He put his head on his pillow at 10:30pm shut his eyes and transformed into the bubble of his nighttime dreams .The time ticked and tocked through the night and an eternity later he had been kidnapped and placed in a dark cave and neglected. It broke dawn and off the glimpse off the reddish earth their sat a cave far...far... away. In the distance in the blackout cave laid Adam in the corner he woke up and wondered round confused,anxious,panicking.

Hours passed and as each second went in the view of the beach, tourists could see the oncoming samali pirates, when they finally got on land they scrambled and swarmed into the cave they chained Adam up for hours inside the cave the tension was climbing with treacherous tears rolling down the victim's face. After the everlastingness time went.Adam was set free by his old friend who he had been out of contact with for 7 long hard years armed officers stormed the cave shot each one of the samali pirates dead when it was over a moment of silence dropped they rescued Adam he no longer felt threatened on the way back home, in the police car a constant flashback of death was the remainder in Adam's mind his dad opened the door the sky was falling with heavy raindrops he walked into his house took his shoes off and cried himself to sleep.

rough mark or grade please would be appreciated so i know what i am working at i study English language privately so have no teacher feedback also welcome need a 8 for sixth form any comments what i can do to improve to an 8 i will take on board
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pazzarazza
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Honestly, it’s like something I’d write in year 9. The grammar is bad, the structure is boring, the similes are clichés and the vocabulary is mediocre at best. If your aiming for grade 8s I’d be relying on my q1-4 and paper 2 if I were you.
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Tolgarda
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(Original post by pazzarazza)
Honestly, it’s like something I’d write in year 9. The grammar is bad, the structure is boring, the similes are clichés and the vocabulary is mediocre at best. If your aiming for grade 8s I’d be relying on my q1-4 and paper 2 if I were you.
Wow. Very constructive.
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lilTrain
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this must be satire 😂 felt like i was reading one of those "why you shouldnt fail maths gcse" ****posts. 41/40 marks
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pazzarazza
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(Original post by Tolgarda)
Wow. Very constructive.
You’re not the most helpful either for a ‘study forum helper’
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Tolgarda
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(Original post by pazzarazza)
You’re not the most helpful either for a ‘study forum helper’
True. I'm the most unhelpful person in this forum.
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sufy12
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(Original post by pazzarazza)
Honestly, it’s like something I’d write in year 9. The grammar is bad, the structure is boring, the similes are clichés and the vocabulary is mediocre at best. If your aiming for grade 8s I’d be relying on my q1-4 and paper 2 if I were you.
Hi, can you send me your question 1 and 4 and paper 2. Thanks
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Possibly this
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(Original post by liamlarner)
can someone tell me roughly what i would get for this story i have taken into account language and structure. when being rough remember (24 marks for content) (16 marks for technical accuracy)

Q5 Write a story about a time when you felt threatened (40 marks)

One evening in a house in Chelsea there was a new years party for the celebration of going into 2020. The party was part of a upper class society at just gone 10pm , Adam headed to bed just before Adam went to bed he looked out the window and could see that the sky was picturesque it was as blue as a bluebottle. He put his head on his pillow at 10:30pm shut his eyes and transformed into the bubble of his nighttime dreams .The time ticked and tocked through the night and an eternity later he had been kidnapped and placed in a dark cave and neglected. It broke dawn and off the glimpse off the reddish earth their sat a cave far...far... away. In the distance in the blackout cave laid Adam in the corner he woke up and wondered round confused,anxious,panicking.

Hours passed and as each second went in the view of the beach, tourists could see the oncoming samali pirates, when they finally got on land they scrambled and swarmed into the cave they chained Adam up for hours inside the cave the tension was climbing with treacherous tears rolling down the victim's face. After the everlastingness time went.Adam was set free by his old friend who he had been out of contact with for 7 long hard years armed officers stormed the cave shot each one of the samali pirates dead when it was over a moment of silence dropped they rescued Adam he no longer felt threatened on the way back home, in the police car a constant flashback of death was the remainder in Adam's mind his dad opened the door the sky was falling with heavy raindrops he walked into his house took his shoes off and cried himself to sleep.

rough mark or grade please would be appreciated so i know what i am working at i study English language privately so have no teacher feedback also welcome need a 8 for sixth form any comments what i can do to improve to an 8 i will take on board
Is this your first or second year on the GCSE?

I feel a good place to start for you would be the lack of punctuation and especially more unusual punctuation. A semi-colon or two would not go a miss. There were also various places where commas should have been and various spelling and grammatical errors also. I would really suggest you brush up on the roles of punctuation.

Also it's too short in my opinion, I would say ideally it should be twice as long, so there's actually enough material to warrant the 40 marks. That means you have to put a bit more thought into your story and add more to it. Much of the plot doesn't really make sense, for example I don't know why the Somalian pirates chained up Adam. Why is his old friend in his dream - what is the significance of that? There was a lot that needed to be answered. Infact I can't say anything in that passage where Adam was threatened, showing a fatal misinterpretation of the question.

Finally, the ideas themselves are too basic. When you read the word "threatened," you thought of someone directly threatening someone else. Whilst that is valid, that is too simple and lacks the required creativity. They want you to take a more unusual approach to it. To be threatened could also be a paranoia of someone else being superior to you, which may end up in them replacing you. To be threatened could be about blackmail and corruption. This is what they expect of top answers, they want the creativity snd the bravery to think outside of the box. Also, examiners do love it when the stories are very dark. So in this regard, simply writing about a man being threatened in his dream, won't cut it. Especially when we don't even see him being threatened, he is just chained up, then released.

Sorry to be so negative but honestly, if you're striving for an 8, you've got a lot to work on. It can be done, I'm not going to pretend it's easy though. I am not going to give you a mark or a grade as that may dishearten you but I will say that that question in itself, would not be conducive to a pass (4).

I'd be very happy to help you anyway that I can so do feel free to ask me anything.
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pazzarazza
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(Original post by sufy12)
Hi, can you send me your question 1 and 4 and paper 2. Thanks
Nope, because I don’t require validation from anyone other than my examiner. Thanks
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sufy12
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(Original post by pazzarazza)
Nope, because I don’t require validation from anyone other than my examiner. Thanks
Who's your examiner?
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pazzarazza
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(Original post by sufy12)
Who's your examiner?
Not you
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sufy12
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(Original post by pazzarazza)
Not you
Okay. No need to be so rude. I was just asking cause you said to rely on your paper as if it's some kind of magical thing.
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liamlarner
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(Original post by Possibly this)
Is this your first or second year on the GCSE?

I feel a good place to start for you would be the lack of punctuation and especially more unusual punctuation. A semi-colon or two would not go a miss. There were also various places where commas should have been and various spelling and grammatical errors also. I would really suggest you brush up on the roles of punctuation.

Also it's too short in my opinion, I would say ideally it should be twice as long, so there's actually enough material to warrant the 40 marks. That means you have to put a bit more thought into your story and add more to it. Much of the plot doesn't really make sense, for example I don't know why the Somalian pirates chained up Adam. Why is his old friend in his dream - what is the significance of that? There was a lot that needed to be answered. Infact I can't say anything in that passage where Adam was threatened, showing a fatal misinterpretation of the question.

Finally, the ideas themselves are too basic. When you read the word "threatened," you thought of someone directly threatening someone else. Whilst that is valid, that is too simple and lacks the required creativity. They want you to take a more unusual approach to it. To be threatened could also be a paranoia of someone else being superior to you, which may end up in them replacing you. To be threatened could be about blackmail and corruption. This is what they expect of top answers, they want the creativity snd the bravery to think outside of the box. Also, examiners do love it when the stories are very dark. So in this regard, simply writing about a man being threatened in his dream, won't cut it. Especially when we don't even see him being threatened, he is just chained up, then released.

Sorry to be so negative but honestly, if you're striving for an 8, you've got a lot to work on. It can be done, I'm not going to pretend it's easy though. I am not going to give you a mark or a grade as that may dishearten you but I will say that that question in itself, would not be conducive to a pass (4).

I'd be very happy to help you anyway that I can so do feel free to ask me anything.
talk in dm's
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