"I love restaurants, and that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants - home made cooking - I don't want home made cooking, that's why I'm here, 'cos I don't like the **** at home! Yeah... you know! And they don't say who's home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it!"
"You ever get lost with your wife in the car, you're *completely* lost, and they *always* say the same thing! "Oh let's just go home." "WE'RE ****ING LOST! WHAT DID YOU THROW ****IN' BREAD OUT THE WINDOW?"
"Peanuts! What happened to peanuts! Now every buggers allergic to peanuts! It's true, you open a packet of peanuts now, and a bunch of five year olds in a five mile radius slam to the floor, jabbing themselves with ****ing adreniline!"
"Bird flu! What's that? How do you know a bird's got flu! Some chinese bloke spots one of his chicken with its claws in a bowl of hot water and a towel over its head! Bwrr-rr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rr!"
[about product helplines] Durex have got one! What point do we ****ing call them?
[Imitates having sex while on the phone] HELLOOOOOOO!... Wait a minute... Too late.