Anonymous #1
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So, me and my bf are in a long distance relationship - he has a history of depression and I wondered whether the distance would be too much, but he said it would be fine

It’s been very rocky and a lot of people have been saying to break up with him, which I’m not going to do

Anyways, he’s been really distant these last few days and I asked him why - he said he was feeling lonely

His flatmates are all quite self contained people - they don’t do much as a flat, and he’s only got “a few course mates” that he doesn’t want to “lean on” too much (his words)

I asked about societies and he said that there wasn’t any he wanted to join and that he didn’t really want to get involved as he preferred being alone in some ways

He said it wasn’t anything to do with me, but that I sort of made it worse because he realises how far away I am and how long it’ll be before we see each other (he’s trying to get tickets to come up and see me in March but I don’t know if it’ll happen)

He’s still really distant over text too - we were meant to be phoning each other for valentines, but I don’t know if that’ll happen either

I’m just worried - any advice??
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Anonymous #2
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I think for long distance to work, you need to have a good level of contact & be open & honest with eachother. Maybe have a skype conversation about things? If he's not talking to you though it might be best to give yourself some time away from him & focus on your degree
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clueIxss
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Hi there. As someone in a long distance relationship where we BOTH have mental health problems, I know how it feels when either of us have off periods. Has he considered reaching out to his Uni for some support? As much as you love him, he shouldn't be using you as his only output for his problems- you're his girlfriend, not his therapist. As someone with depression too, I'd hate to think that I was placing the sole responsibility on my partner to make me happy when my mental health struggles (that's not to say you shouldn't provide ANY support- my partner is my biggest help but relying on him isn't healthy). If he's not receiving any, he needs some kind of mental health support from his Uni.
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hangavirag
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hiya
I massively agree with this quote as this therapist role can take a huge toll on your mental health as well... but at the same time make sure he knows that you’ve got his back no matter what. It can be difficult to maintain a LD relationship at times let alone with one person going through some permanent stuff. Idk if he’s a “sporty” type even if not exercise can help so much. Even if its only walks or small jogs. It really did help me out a lot. Try suggesting that to him ☺️ or even finding an expressive hobby (art, poetry and those sorts)
Good luck tho, I’m sure you two will make it work !!
(Original post by clueIxss)
As much as you love him, he shouldn't be using you as his only output for his problems- you're his girlfriend, not his therapist.
Last edited by hangavirag; 2 weeks ago
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by clueIxss)
Hi there. As someone in a long distance relationship where we BOTH have mental health problems, I know how it feels when either of us have off periods. Has he considered reaching out to his Uni for some support? As much as you love him, he shouldn't be using you as his only output for his problems- you're his girlfriend, not his therapist. As someone with depression too, I'd hate to think that I was placing the sole responsibility on my partner to make me happy when my mental health struggles (that's not to say you shouldn't provide ANY support- my partner is my biggest help but relying on him isn't healthy). If he's not receiving any, he needs some kind of mental health support from his Uni.
I really agree with this but the problem is that he’s quite a pessimistic person even without depression, and when he has off periods his general mood is “this is how I am, I’m used to it and nothing can change it” so I know it’ll take a huge amount of effort for him to even consider it

He’s also the type of person to bottle things up and that caused issues in the past, so I’m aware that him even telling me he was feeling lonely was also quite a big step
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by hangavirag)
hiya
I massively agree with this quote as this therapist role can take a huge toll on your mental health as well... but at the same time make sure he knows that you’ve got his back no matter what. It can be difficult to maintain a LD relationship at times let alone with one person going through some permanent stuff. Idk if he’s a “sporty” type even if not exercise can help so much. Even if its only walks or small jogs. It really did help me out a lot. Try suggesting that to him ☺️ or even finding an expressive hobby (art, poetry and those sorts)
Good luck tho, I’m sure you two will make it work !!
I know he’s a sporty person - he’s in the gym all the time because he wants to lose weight

I know he was doing a journal for a while - I don’t know if he still is

I’m aware this is going to sound terrible, and I don’t mean it to, but I almost wish he hadn’t told me, because I can’t do anything about it except offer words of support, and I’m really worrying in a time where I have other uni stuff going on that I need to focus on

How it’s worked in the past would be he’d go distant, then I’d make him tell me everything, then after telling me we wouldn’t talk for a while, then he’d text me saying it wasn’t going to work and we needed to break/breakup

I’m scared that’s still the pattern
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clueIxss
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I really agree with this but the problem is that he’s quite a pessimistic person even without depression, and when he has off periods his general mood is “this is how I am, I’m used to it and nothing can change it” so I know it’ll take a huge amount of effort for him to even consider it

He’s also the type of person to bottle things up and that caused issues in the past, so I’m aware that him even telling me he was feeling lonely was also quite a big step
It’s good that he’s making steps to be more open. It’ll take a lot of gentle encouragement and persuasion, but gradually overtime working him up to seeking help would be good. He doesn’t have to immediately, but for me I’d try to tell him it might be good just to try it in the future and help him through the process. He needs to know that even if he’s been this way for a long time, change IS possible if you’re willing to try and make it happen.
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Helix120
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(Original post by clueIxss)
It’s good that he’s making steps to be more open. It’ll take a lot of gentle encouragement and persuasion, but gradually overtime working him up to seeking help would be good. He doesn’t have to immediately, but for me I’d try to tell him it might be good just to try it in the future and help him through the process. He needs to know that even if he’s been this way for a long time, change IS possible if you’re willing to try and make it happen.
He shut me out completely the last time I suggested it though
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clueIxss
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(Original post by Helix120)
He shut me out completely the last time I suggested it though
It’s worth bringing up again in the light of him going through a lower period and being lonely. Of course you can’t force him to go, but it’s good to remind him reaching out for support is a good idea (even if you don’t think it’ll help- it’s worth trying at least once) and that you’re only suggesting it because you care about his happiness.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by clueIxss)
It’s worth bringing up again in the light of him going through a lower period and being lonely. Of course you can’t force him to go, but it’s good to remind him reaching out for support is a good idea (even if you don’t think it’ll help- it’s worth trying at least once) and that you’re only suggesting it because you care about his happiness.
We had a conversation earlier and he told me to stop getting so worried about things neither of us could control, and that he didn’t need the help

I can’t help worrying - he needs a girlfriend closer to him because I can’t do anything really
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clueIxss
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(Original post by Anonymous)
We had a conversation earlier and he told me to stop getting so worried about things neither of us could control, and that he didn’t need the help

I can’t help worrying - he needs a girlfriend closer to him because I can’t do anything really
I think he needs to know it's something he can work on controlling. Being depressed might be something long term, but it's not a life sentence of doom and gloom. He needs to want to change and, with your support, work on getting some kind of counselling.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by clueIxss)
I think he needs to know it's something he can work on controlling. Being depressed might be something long term, but it's not a life sentence of doom and gloom. He needs to want to change and, with your support, work on getting some kind of counselling.
He told me he wasn’t going to change, he couldn’t control anything and we’re now on a break
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