Being a Muslim with borderline personality disorder Watch

fchy27
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Hey everyone. My sister is in her late twenties and had been diagnosed with unstable emotional personality disorder many years ago. She started showing symptoms in 2011, which was when she also tried to take her own life. It was really bad back then that she had to be admitted into a mental health ward against her own will. Social workers were worried about my safety because I was underage and would frequently visit me in school and home. Anyways, as the years have gone by, she has stopped her treatment and refuses any help because she thinks she isn’t “unwell”. She is a graduate and refuses to work somewhere proper or help out at home. She is moody 24/7 and aggressive when things don’t go her way.

She goes out late at night and returns early in the morning against my mums will. She just refuses to listen to anyone. she also compulsively lies about us to her friends which I understand is a part of her mental condition but after tolerating it for nearly 10 years now we are all fed up.

She got married to an amazing guy about a week ago. Everything was done with her consent and we didn’t pressurise her or force her to do anything. She happily agreed. She doesn’t have a proper job so we provided her with the wedding she wanted as we are her family and wanted to keep her happy. Suddenly, she left the house without telling anyone. My mum saw her and tried to stop her and asked her lovingly to speak and tell her what’s wrong but she was aggressive and told her to move out of the way . After speaking to a friend of hers, we have found out that she has been accusing her husband of really heinous things, things that can ruin ones character. We know how she lies compulsively but accusing him of something that big is just unacceptable. My mum has tried her entire life and throughout her life her trials have always been about her family. It is heartbreaking. She doesn’t even want to take responsibility for ending the relationship. She says she does not like to be touched and that she can’t love anyone. The issue now is that she brought this up too late. After another mans life has been ruined. It’s ok for her to hurt us and lie about us but involving someone else like that is cruel. Allahu alam what happens is for the best. Please do make dua for me and my family, especially my mum. I don’t think she can take any more of this.
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CoolCavy
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Hey
Am not a Muslim but I do have BPD, one of the things that stuck out to me reading this is the lying thing. Compulsively lying isn't part of BPD, it's almost the opposite really. We tend to be too honest because of the intensity of emotion. She sounds more like narcissistic personality disorder but of course I'm no medical professional and it is possible to have co-morbid things.
Has she ever had any therapy? The waitlists are long for BPD specific stuff like DBT but it's worth a try.
Try reaching out to charities as well like mind, I believe they offer support to families.
I would avoid things like Reddit as subreddits for families of people with BPD are incredibly toxic and unhelpful.
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suitepee
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(Original post by fchy27)
Hey everyone. My sister is in her late twenties and had been diagnosed with unstable emotional personality disorder many years ago. She started showing symptoms in 2011, which was when she also tried to take her own life. It was really bad back then that she had to be admitted into a mental health ward against her own will. Social workers were worried about my safety because I was underage and would frequently visit me in school and home. Anyways, as the years have gone by, she has stopped her treatment and refuses any help because she thinks she isn’t “unwell”. She is a graduate and refuses to work somewhere proper or help out at home. She is moody 24/7 and aggressive when things don’t go her way.

She goes out late at night and returns early in the morning against my mums will. She just refuses to listen to anyone. she also compulsively lies about us to her friends which I understand is a part of her mental condition but after tolerating it for nearly 10 years now we are all fed up.

She got married to an amazing guy about a week ago. Everything was done with her consent and we didn’t pressurise her or force her to do anything. She happily agreed. She doesn’t have a proper job so we provided her with the wedding she wanted as we are her family and wanted to keep her happy. Suddenly, she left the house without telling anyone. My mum saw her and tried to stop her and asked her lovingly to speak and tell her what’s wrong but she was aggressive and told her to move out of the way . After speaking to a friend of hers, we have found out that she has been accusing her husband of really heinous things, things that can ruin ones character. We know how she lies compulsively but accusing him of something that big is just unacceptable. My mum has tried her entire life and throughout her life her trials have always been about her family. It is heartbreaking. She doesn’t even want to take responsibility for ending the relationship. She says she does not like to be touched and that she can’t love anyone. The issue now is that she brought this up too late. After another mans life has been ruined. It’s ok for her to hurt us and lie about us but involving someone else like that is cruel. Allahu alam what happens is for the best. Please do make dua for me and my family, especially my mum. I don’t think she can take any more of this.
Do you have proof that these things she says happened, didn't happen? Whilst I don't know what he has accused her of, I am presuming along the lines of some kind of abuse given what you have wrote. As CoolCavy has said, despite rumours to the contrary, compulsive lying is NOT a symptom of EUPD/BPD. And even if someone is a compulsive liar - I honestly feel that you cannot under any circumstances start by taking the presumption that they are lying when it comes to more serious matters (even if it could ruin someones life). If you have evidence it didn't happen then fair enough - but it doesn't sound like you do.

But it does sound like your family needs support. Charities like Rethink and Mind can offer support, and other charities like Carers UK which are more focused towards carers. Take care of yourselves, but I would also say that it sounds like your sister needs someone to speak to too.
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fchy27
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The thing is, she has spread big big lies like this about individuals in my family, including me, ones that can actually taint your character. Being her younger sister and the youngest in the family, we are very close, but after this I don’t know if I can look at her the same way. I’ve only experienced this for a few years, but my family have been dealing with it for 10 years now.This is why there is no way that I can personally believe her because I also know her now ex husband. If he was our blood we’d believe him because we know what she’s like, you can’t trust her. She compulsively lies about where she’s going at 12am and who did what to her. She told her friend that she was acting when she got married to him and took him out to show him our home town. Her conditions for getting married is that they would live in our house after marriage. Everything she said she wanted was given. All this time we have tried our best to keep being loving towards her. Especially my parents, when she does something wrong it’s like she feels SHE has the right to be angry at US.

& I apologise for assuming compulsively lying is a part of her condition, I was in high school when she was diagnosed and just assumed she does this because of her condition. We all have tried to get better educated on her condition over the years but she can’t even accept that she has this condition...My sister has spoken to many people, but now she refuses to see anyone at all and even if we suggest the idea of getting treatment she says (very angrily) that she’s absolutely fine and that she doesn’t have a condition. Literally all it takes is one suggestion To get her all aggressive. You can’t talk to her without her getting angry at you.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by fchy27)
Hey everyone. My sister is in her late twenties and had been diagnosed with unstable emotional personality disorder many years ago. She started showing symptoms in 2011, which was when she also tried to take her own life. It was really bad back then that she had to be admitted into a mental health ward against her own will. Social workers were worried about my safety because I was underage and would frequently visit me in school and home. Anyways, as the years have gone by, she has stopped her treatment and refuses any help because she thinks she isn’t “unwell”. She is a graduate and refuses to work somewhere proper or help out at home. She is moody 24/7 and aggressive when things don’t go her way.

She goes out late at night and returns early in the morning against my mums will. She just refuses to listen to anyone. she also compulsively lies about us to her friends which I understand is a part of her mental condition but after tolerating it for nearly 10 years now we are all fed up.

She got married to an amazing guy about a week ago. Everything was done with her consent and we didn’t pressurise her or force her to do anything. She happily agreed. She doesn’t have a proper job so we provided her with the wedding she wanted as we are her family and wanted to keep her happy. Suddenly, she left the house without telling anyone. My mum saw her and tried to stop her and asked her lovingly to speak and tell her what’s wrong but she was aggressive and told her to move out of the way . After speaking to a friend of hers, we have found out that she has been accusing her husband of really heinous things, things that can ruin ones character. We know how she lies compulsively but accusing him of something that big is just unacceptable. My mum has tried her entire life and throughout her life her trials have always been about her family. It is heartbreaking. She doesn’t even want to take responsibility for ending the relationship. She says she does not like to be touched and that she can’t love anyone. The issue now is that she brought this up too late. After another mans life has been ruined. It’s ok for her to hurt us and lie about us but involving someone else like that is cruel. Allahu alam what happens is for the best. Please do make dua for me and my family, especially my mum. I don’t think she can take any more of this.
Don’t lose hope I understand this is very difficult. Allah knows best and keep making duas and pray ayatul Kursi and verses that prevent the evil eye on her. Also, if possible, make her pray salah and read the Quran as it is very soothing and make the mind at rest. If that doesn’t work maybe make her listen to the Quran via YouTube or something. I will pray for you and inshAllah everything will work out
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fchy27
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Don’t lose hope I understand this is very difficult. Allah knows best and keep making duas and pray ayatul Kursi and verses that prevent the evil eye on her. Also, if possible, make her pray salah and read the Quran as it is very soothing and make the mind at rest. If that doesn’t work maybe make her listen to the Quran via YouTube or something. I will pray for you and inshAllah everything will work out
Thank you, all we have been saying is that Allah knows best and this happened for a reason. Usually you hear about marriages breaking up a couple days after the wedding in films and stories, so the fact that it has happened to us with about 400 guests, it feels very surreal.

Generally, we are a practicing family. My mum does read ayatul kursi on her all the time, well whenever you can find her at home (most of the time she’s out and comes back early in the morning around fajr). My brother mentioned that her going out after Maghrib time is also detrimental to her with all the shayateen lurking around. She studied Islamic studies at university and is involved with many events associated with deen. However, we are starting to think this was also an act, the same way she acts and pretends with other things. There is no way that we can make her do anything, she is old enough now where she knows she can do whatever she likes, and any attempts to help her just trigger her. But Allahu Alam ❤️
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Anonymous #2
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This is just your test, this too shall pass.

Sorry thats the only words of comfort I can give you but its true, no bad experience or thing lasts forever
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cupcakkke
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Hi I just found this while looking for info on BPD/Muslims. I'm a Muslim woman with BPD, it does sound like some pretty intense symptoms there and although lying isn't typical of BPD sufferers - often when you come from a religious household and you're not comfortable sharing other parts of your life with family, you might end up feeling like you have to lie until it becomes habit. Especially when things like smoking, dating, etc etc are haram (not saying your sister was doing those things - but BPD sufferers are prone to destructive coping mechanisms)Secondly, in regards to the husband. First of all mashallah she is lucky to have a supportive family who helped facilitate her getting married and have stuck by her. I have been in a similar relationship when I was undiagnosed and completely out of control - accusing my partner at the time of awful, awful things based on pretty much nothing except my own wild jealousy and insecurity. And of course, the irrational rage. She needs to confront these things head-on, she needs to read more about her disorder and about how jealousy and rage are part of her condition - does she own the DBT handbook? She could learn to recognise when she is 'splitting' and having a massive bout of jealousy and anger towards her husband and towards you, and limit the amount of damage she causes by the words that come out of her mouth. There ARE damage control mechanisms that really do work, and over time your brain start recognising when it's about to have a crisis situation and you have greater control over it.She has to want to help herself, maybe sit her down when she is in a good mood and tell her from the heart you don't want to see her push everyone away and push her husband away because of her illness, reiterate that it isn't her fault and Allah created her this way - but there is a way for her to make life so much more bearable and it involves specialised therapy and learning to confront the way we think, stopping patterns of destruction
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sbsh44456
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Hello, Sister.

Before she can love someone else, she needs to learn to love herself and you need to give her a lot of time. Part of loving yourself is faith. In truth, It feels like her faith is not as strong as you guys think and you've been assuming on her behalf, being born in a Muslim family doesn't mean you're muslim, even more so in a heavily tech based society like here with temptations at every corner, its wishful thinking, everyone has their own journey to make and only the Lord Almighty can guide. Take an example from the Book, Noah's own son's faith wasn't strong, not even a prophet could guide that guy, he was not on the ship and not of those saved. you can't guide her but you can show her compassion and show her the good traits of a Muslim to help invite her.

I know you felt like you didn't push this on her but with the volatile mental state she's in she needs very long times to process things and feel in control. Though, you guys have shown your love and care for her and patience, may the Lord reward you.
With her mind, she might be feeling like she's living a lie, and she might feel like things are out of her control when they happen suddenly, and that she doesn't deserve good things. We don't know what she's done in her life, e.g. on those nights and with those friends. Maybe she's been involved with more worldly pursuits and the Islamic Studies was to please you guys so she doesn't feel like a burden or dissapointment because you guys seem heavily religious. Maybe she gets tired trying to please you and that's when her anger comes out. You need to have a heart to heart talk with her and understand her real views.

On a separate note, no offence meant because we all make mistakes but you guys, please look into the Quran only approach of Islam and don't follow the Hadith and its superstitions. Hadith and all these seperate things which are not authorised by the Lord are the sort of things taught in "Islamic" Studies and these sorts of things are impure and part of what puts people off from the Religion.
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Vixen47
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Am Muslim with BPD (diagnosed with a bunch of other things including bipolar, PTSD and bulimia). It'll make her go against a lot of what the religion believes in, but as much as you can, forgive her and try not to attach the religious beliefs to her actions because she's reacting out of a place of trauma - she's not 110% in control of her actions. If she's willing to get help, seek dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) for her.
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