Gay but Muslim family, what do I do?

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Anonymous #1
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I've known I'm gay (maybe bi?) for a while now. I think I knew when I was about 12/13 but always tried to suppress it and grew up very straight acting. Going to uni I've had a lot of Grindr hookups and it's been great! I am definitely attracted to men.

But I am from a Muslim family. If I came out all hell would break loose. Luckily I have older siblings who are married, so not under any real pressure to get married and have kids but my mother recently hinted to start looking for a girl that I can then marry haha. I know if I came out my parents would probably throw me out. Not sure how my siblings would react.

I'm still quite young, so now I'm just going to play it cool until I have a stable job and my own place. I know there is probably going to be a day when I will have to tell them and I am expecting the worst. Being disowned, no contact, maybe even ridiculed. I'm sure my siblings suspect but it's not as if I can tell or discuss this with them. We're not that close. For now I guess I am making as many good memories with them as I can as I know one day I might not have them. I also can't live a lie and also ruin another girls life by marrying her and faking it. I would love to have a boyfriend/husband one day and be apart of his family.

Do you think this is a good plan? Can anyone out there relate to this?

Also any Muslims out there please feel free to give me advice. I am well aware that the act of being gay (eg gay sex) is forbidden, but you are not punished for being attracted to men (you can't help who you're attracted to). So you have to 'lower your gaze' when looking at men you are attracted to, just like straight men with women. But what am I suppose to do in terms of a relationship? Get married to a girl I would never love sexually? Suppress these thoughts and live a single life? But isn't marrying part of our deen? I'd rather not have a Phillip Schofield situation. I've met a few men who have come out later in life after being married and having children and I do not want to go down that road.
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sophiathesecond
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I'm a Muslim,but i'm not going to preach to you about what's right and wrong and what's Islamically acceptable etc, because frankly I don't think me preaching will actually help anything, so my advice is honest and straight to the point, be who you are and live your life as you are, you're gay/bi and you've accepted you're attracted to men, so honestly just go for it, sure people will disagree and you're gonna lose out on relationships maybe with people you're close to, but being the true you, is the only way you know who your real friends and family are, if some family members disapprove, let them, it's your life and you shouldn't let other people dictate it for you. I'm so glad you understand that marrying a girl would be totally wrong, it would break her heart and it just wouldn't bring happiness to either of you, if you want to marry a man, go ahead, who is anyone else to judge you? at the end of the day, be yourself and love is love. Inshallah your future will be full of happiness and success. Feel free to message me anytime, I have friends in the same situation as you, so I can give you advice if you ever need it. Also, just a heads up, other people made threads like these and ended up getting swarmed by hate comments, so just warning you, some people are the biggest keyboard warriors ever, don't let it get to you x
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londonmyst
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Take care of yourself and always put your physical safety & mental health first.

Some people from religious backgrounds or traditionalist cultures that are not keen on the LGBT community move away, end all contact with their relatives and become LGBT activists.
Others choose to have legally binding marriages of convenience with people in similar circumstances.
Basically to avoid being socially ostracised or disowned they marry like-minded members of the LGBT community whose family backgrounds are acceptable to their parents, have children through ivf and keep their private lives private.
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Speak ur mind
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(Original post by sophiathesecond)
I'm a Muslim,but i'm not going to preach to you about what's right and wrong and what's Islamically acceptable etc, because frankly I don't think me preaching will actually help anything, so my advice is honest and straight to the point, be who you are and live your life as you are, you're gay/bi and you've accepted you're attracted to men, so honestly just go for it, sure people will disagree and you're gonna lose out on relationships maybe with people you're close to, but being the true you, is the only way you know who your real friends and family are, if some family members disapprove, let them, it's your life and you shouldn't let other people dictate it for you. I'm so glad you understand that marrying a girl would be totally wrong, it would break her heart and it just wouldn't bring happiness to either of you, if you want to marry a man, go ahead, who is anyone else to judge you? at the end of the day, be yourself and love is love. Inshallah your future will be full of happiness and success. Feel free to message me anytime, I have friends in the same situation as you, so I can give you advice if you ever need it. Also, just a heads up, other people made threads like these and ended up getting swarmed by hate comments, so just warning you, some people are the biggest keyboard warriors ever, don't let it get to you x
I don't know how a Muslim such as yourself is fully endorsing gay marriage?

OP you can be gay and Muslim, this is not haram, but the act of sodomy in Islam is reprehensible and the ramifications are severe. But of course even in Quran 4:16 Allah condemns the act of sodomy but explains further that it is forgivable if you ask for repentance.
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sophiathesecond
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(Original post by Speak ur mind)
I don't know how a Muslim such as yourself is fully endorsing gay marriage?

OP you can be gay and Muslim, this is not haram, but the act of sodomy in Islam is reprehensible and the ramifications are severe. But of course even in Quran 4:16 Allah condemns the act of sodomy but explains further that it is forgivable if you ask for repentance.
I strongly follow the belief that Allah is omnibenevolent and He wouldn't discriminate anyone based on something as simple as who they love, but I'm sure we can agree to disagree, as I know this topic is one which Muslims are divide upon, but I completely respect what you believe
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Speak ur mind
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(Original post by sophiathesecond)
I strongly follow the belief that Allah is omnibenevolent and He wouldn't discriminate anyone based on something as simple as who they love, but I'm sure we can agree to disagree, as I know this topic is one which Muslims are divide upon, but I completely respect what you believe
Okay, but you can't just change Islamic doctrine based on your own personal belief. You have never had a one-to-one with Allah before. So you don't know him on a personal level for you to be going on saying "what you strongly follow" compared to what is written in the holy books. Islam forbids gay marriage.
Last edited by Speak ur mind; 1 month ago
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sophiathesecond
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(Original post by Speak ur mind)
Okay, but you can't just change Islamic doctrine based on your own personal belief. You have never had a one-to-one with Allah before. So you don't know him on a personal level for you to be going on saying "what you strongly believe" compared to what is written in the holy books. Islam forbids gay marriage.
I understand what you're saying, and no I definitely have never had a one-to-one with Allah before and I doubt you have either, and I agree, gay marriage is prohibited in Islam, all I am saying is that many people pick and choose what they believe from holy books, for example; in the Bible, it might say it forbids eating shellfish, but some people ignore that and instead choose to believe a different part that they agree with, and whilst I see that there are holy scriptures forbidding homosexual acts in Islam, I think that times have moved on since these scriptures were written, and now society is becoming more accepting, so we should just accept people for who they are, also judging people for who they love is a disgusting trait to have, judging anyone is impermissable and unless we ourselves are perfect - and nobody is perfect, we should just accept that not everyone shares the same views and continue living our lives and keep believing what you want to believe. if you don't want to ever accept homosexuality, don't, I respect that, it's your choice, but if some people do want to have homosexual relationships, let them, it's not affecting you in the slightest.
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Anonymous #2
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While not muslim (or religious at all), I have grown up and currently live in the UAE and go to school with many muslims (and pretty much all other religions too). Some of them are somewhat openly out, including one in my school year and his sister. Their parents don't know, but it's pretty common knowledge amongst the students. Whilst I certainly don't know enough about living as a muslim to give my direct opinion, I will tell you my friends' view on it, which I think is a positive one.

While they believe in the muslim creation story, the other events depicted in The Quran, and Allah, they also see that they need not parrot the beliefs and interpretations of those events. In other words, they make their own moral judgement. This somewhat mirrors the way the "love thy neighbor" quote from The Bible has been used more recently. The (now small) population of religiously fanatic christians like to preach about how The Bible forbids certain acts and beliefs, while the large majority of christians dismiss some such forbiddances in favour of their own moral judgement, often quoting "love thy neighbor" to those who aren't as accepting. I'm sure that there are parallels in other religions too.

In short, from both me and my gay muslim friends, do what you think is right, guided by your religion, but not imprisoned by it.
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(Original post by sophiathesecond)
I understand what you're saying, and no I definitely have never had a one-to-one with Allah before and I doubt you have either, and I agree, gay marriage is prohibited in Islam, all I am saying is that many people pick and choose what they believe from holy books, for example; in the Bible, it might say it forbids eating shellfish, but some people ignore that and instead choose to believe a different part that they agree with, and whilst I see that there are holy scriptures forbidding homosexual acts in Islam, I think that times have moved on since these scriptures were written, and now society is becoming more accepting, so we should just accept people for who they are, also judging people for who they love is a disgusting trait to have, judging anyone is impermissable and unless we ourselves are perfect - and nobody is perfect, we should just accept that not everyone shares the same views and continue living our lives and keep believing what you want to believe. if you don't want to ever accept homosexuality, don't, I respect that, it's your choice, but if some people do want to have homosexual relationships, let them, it's not affecting you in the slightest.
What are you on about? I don't care about his love life. All I said was Islam forbids gay marriage. That's all. So stop trying to turn this on me.
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sophiathesecond
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(Original post by Speak ur mind)
What are you on about? I don't care about his love life. All I said was Islam forbids gay marriage. That's all. So stop trying to turn this on me.
If you don't care about his love life, then don't respond to the thread...he already said he knows acting upon his sexuality is against Islam, so no need to repeat it. I'm not trying to blame anything on you, I'm sorry if it came off that way.
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Speak ur mind
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(Original post by sophiathesecond)
If you don't care about his love life, then don't respond to the thread...he already said he knows acting upon his sexuality is against Islam, so no need to repeat it. I'm not trying to blame anything on you, I'm sorry if it came off that way.
Me not caring does not mean I can't offer my opinion. If he knows being in a gay marriage is strictly forbidden, then why even ask the question? Also maybe OP should consider leaving the fold of Islam and find a more tolerable sect who will accept his sexuality like Buddhism.
Last edited by Speak ur mind; 1 month ago
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sophiathesecond
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(Original post by Speak ur mind)
Me not caring does not mean I can't offer my opinion. If he knows being in a gay marriage is strictly forbidden, then why even ask the question? Also maybe OP should consider leaving the fold of Islam and find a more tolerable sect who will accept his sexuality like Buddhism.
Fair enough point, although I'm guessing his family would be upset if he left Islam, and I'm sure he doesn't want to leave it either if he's been a Muslim all his life and if he's a practising Muslim too, but if this isn't the case, then maybe he could consider converting to another religion.
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