The Student Room Group

Stingy boyfriend? Is he just not that into me?

Hello,

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months. I still go to university and don't work, while he has a good paying job in the City. He doesn't pay rent either (not going into detail), so he is left with plenty of disposable income at the end of the month. Until a while ago we'd split 40:60 for me, but lately he's started asking me to split the bill EVERY single time. I don't understand why cause I am very considerate and offer to pay most of the times, he always accepts gladly. Every time he paid in full, I'd always pay the next time. I also take the initiative to do different things and activities and will sometimes offer to pay for him, too. He didn't even organise anything for Valentines day and didn't even get me a flower! I find it humiliating when every single time he says 'Do you want to split it?'. My friends and family say it's because he's not that into me and doesn't really see a future with me, I don't know what to say really, cause apart from this it's going well and he's loving and caring. I don't feel valued as a girlfriend, as in he doesn't care about making a good impression to me and I feel taken for granted. What do you say? I feel like this is creating some resentment and I need to talk to him - how should I approach the topic?

Thank you!

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It's normal to split the bill or alternate who pays once you're past the initial "courting" stage. I wouldn't say he's being stingy.
Reply 2
This post is bizarre, truly

How anyone can read into this disinterest or stinginess is beyond me. Why are you 'humiliated' because the bill is split?
Reply 3
I wonder if boyfriend feels taken for granted when you expect him to pay for everything?
Why should you have to pay for each other's food for it to be considered loving or making an effort?
You have your money and he has his, it doesn't need to be that complicated.
Original post by Anonymous
Hello,

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months. I still go to university and don't work, while he has a good paying job in the City. He doesn't pay rent either (not going into detail), so he is left with plenty of disposable income at the end of the month. Until a while ago we'd split 40:60 for me, but lately he's started asking me to split the bill EVERY single time. I don't understand why cause I am very considerate and offer to pay most of the times, he always accepts gladly. Every time he paid in full, I'd always pay the next time. I also take the initiative to do different things and activities and will sometimes offer to pay for him, too. He didn't even organise anything for Valentines day and didn't even get me a flower! I find it humiliating when every single time he says 'Do you want to split it?'. My friends and family say it's because he's not that into me and doesn't really see a future with me, I don't know what to say really, cause apart from this it's going well and he's loving and caring. I don't feel valued as a girlfriend, as in he doesn't care about making a good impression to me and I feel taken for granted. What do you say? I feel like this is creating some resentment and I need to talk to him - how should I approach the topic?

Thank you!


Ignore these people ^^ defo being your the subject and just say it’s on my nerve that u also didn’t do anything for Valentine’s Day for me, so what is it r u not into me or r u just careless about making an impression, because HUNNY if he has a good job and isn’t even paying rent, if it was me and I loved my boyfriend then I’d be wanting to spend as much as I can on him so..
Reply 6
Original post by gjd800
I wonder if boyfriend feels taken for granted when you expect him to pay for everything?

I explicitly said that I offer (actually mean it and insist to pay) basically every time and the few times he pays in full, I pay the next time.
I felt humiliated last weekend when we went out like 5 times, and on each occasion he asked me to split it. At least the fifth time I was expecting him to just pay (it was just £20). He has much more disposable income than me, why does he have to look at every penny?
Original post by Anonymous
Hello,

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months. I still go to university and don't work, while he has a good paying job in the City. He doesn't pay rent either (not going into detail), so he is left with plenty of disposable income at the end of the month. Until a while ago we'd split 40:60 for me, but lately he's started asking me to split the bill EVERY single time. I don't understand why cause I am very considerate and offer to pay most of the times, he always accepts gladly. Every time he paid in full, I'd always pay the next time. I also take the initiative to do different things and activities and will sometimes offer to pay for him, too. He didn't even organise anything for Valentines day and didn't even get me a flower! I find it humiliating when every single time he says 'Do you want to split it?'. My friends and family say it's because he's not that into me and doesn't really see a future with me, I don't know what to say really, cause apart from this it's going well and he's loving and caring. I don't feel valued as a girlfriend, as in he doesn't care about making a good impression to me and I feel taken for granted. What do you say? I feel like this is creating some resentment and I need to talk to him - how should I approach the topic?

Thank you!

I don't think there's anything wrong with being stingy (because I am :lol:). I genuinely feel very uncomfortable when I spend money, even if it's a small amount and even though I've got pretty good savings, because I feel that money could be better spent and it's a process to tell myself that the money I spent was worth spending. That could just be who he is as a person and that's probably not going to change.

Technically, it's not his responsibility to pay fully for everything because he has a well paid job, but you don't have an income so it would make sense for him to pay a bit more. My ex paid for most things for us even though we had similar savings, though he earned a bit more than me, but he turned out to not actually be emotionally invested in the relationship so spending money on you doesn't actually mean anything. His behaviour and treatment of you does, so don't place so much emphasis and meaning on money.

It is strange he didn't get you anything for Valentine's day but again, that could be a personal belief for him - he might not support it or maybe feels it's too soon in the relationship. Maybe ask him why he didn't get you anything? But don't take it so personally. You shouldn't rely on one day in the year to feel loved and cared for anyway.

Honestly, I'm not sure how you could approach this without coming across as demanding or a bit like a gold digger :dontknow: How can you ask your boyfriend to spend more money on you to make you feel cared for? That comes across as being quite insecure. He might get offended and feel like his pure love/caring behaviour for you will never be enough. So I guess it's a case of accepting things as they are (and his tightness with money as being a personality trait almost) or move onto someone else.
Reply 8
Original post by Anonymous
I explicitly said that I offer (actually mean it and insist to pay) basically every time and the few times he pays in full, I pay the next time.
I felt humiliated last weekend when we went out like 5 times, and on each occasion he asked me to split it. At least the fifth time I was expecting him to just pay (it was just £20). He has much more disposable income than me, why does he have to look at every penny?

But your offers seem insincere, for if they were sincere, you'd not be here whinging.

You need to be having this conversation with him. Seems ridiculous to me to even think this way. If you offer all the time then he probably thinks he is saving some of your pride by splitting. Ask him.
if you think he's stingy, please end it. you do not want to spend the rest of your life with a stingy man, trust me.

I also think he's not that interested.
Original post by Anonymous
Hello,

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months. I still go to university and don't work, while he has a good paying job in the City. He doesn't pay rent either (not going into detail), so he is left with plenty of disposable income at the end of the month. Until a while ago we'd split 40:60 for me, but lately he's started asking me to split the bill EVERY single time. I don't understand why cause I am very considerate and offer to pay most of the times, he always accepts gladly. Every time he paid in full, I'd always pay the next time. I also take the initiative to do different things and activities and will sometimes offer to pay for him, too. He didn't even organise anything for Valentines day and didn't even get me a flower! I find it humiliating when every single time he says 'Do you want to split it?'. My friends and family say it's because he's not that into me and doesn't really see a future with me, I don't know what to say really, cause apart from this it's going well and he's loving and caring. I don't feel valued as a girlfriend, as in he doesn't care about making a good impression to me and I feel taken for granted. What do you say? I feel like this is creating some resentment and I need to talk to him - how should I approach the topic?

Thank you!


Get a job? This is your problem, not his.
Original post by Anonymous
Hello,

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months. I still go to university and don't work, while he has a good paying job in the City. He doesn't pay rent either (not going into detail), so he is left with plenty of disposable income at the end of the month. Until a while ago we'd split 40:60 for me, but lately he's started asking me to split the bill EVERY single time. I don't understand why cause I am very considerate and offer to pay most of the times, he always accepts gladly. Every time he paid in full, I'd always pay the next time. I also take the initiative to do different things and activities and will sometimes offer to pay for him, too. He didn't even organise anything for Valentines day and didn't even get me a flower! I find it humiliating when every single time he says 'Do you want to split it?'. My friends and family say it's because he's not that into me and doesn't really see a future with me, I don't know what to say really, cause apart from this it's going well and he's loving and caring. I don't feel valued as a girlfriend, as in he doesn't care about making a good impression to me and I feel taken for granted. What do you say? I feel like this is creating some resentment and I need to talk to him - how should I approach the topic?

Thank you!


If as you say he earns several times your income, then he does sound stingy and that drives a lot of people mad. Not because you are materialistic, but because it gets on your nerves and is unrelenting.


Why not just cool it and dont go out as much or at all, when he asks you then say things are a bit financially strained and see whether he picks up any slack? If he cools off, then decide whether he is just tight or he isnt interested. Hard thing to confront directly, but if you mention you dont have the disposable as he does then focus on your education, see what he does.

In general you cannot change stingy people and imo its a good cause for splitting.

Ps come at me all you wrong people on this thread.
(edited 4 years ago)
Original post by Joe Frazier
Get a job? This is your problem, not his.

so are you saying that if you have a partner and you are in a much better financial situation, you would split all the bills every single time and never treat them just because you can? It applies to both men and women, it doesn't matter. If I made more than him I would certainly treat him more ( I actually surprised him with tickets for an event when I could)
Have you tried talking to him, like a normal person would?
Original post by DiddyDec
Have you tried talking to him, like a normal person would?

I wrote that I haven't talked to him and I intend to do it, so I asked advice on how to approach the topic since it's a sensible one.
You would probably be best discussing all this with him.

I think that the two of you have very different attitudes towards money and valentine's day.
He does sound rather stingy.
But if he is under 35 or into feminism, he may be asking to split the bill most of the time because he does not want you to feel angry/embarrassed or believe that he views you as a financial burden.
maybe he is saving up for something and doesnt want to spend/ go out much or he is just saving in general

dont think it is healthy to equate someone not paying for food = him not caring :s-smilie:

and it's just bf/gf and youre not his wife so maybe why should he 'waste' money
You can try and sort it, but I dont believe you can change people, so in the end id think you were incompatible.
I wasnt getting the impression the OP expects him to spend tons, just to have some self awareness that at this stage in life she is a student and he earns several times what she does, so a meal out is a big thing for her, but nothing for him.
Make him live like a student and see if he is still keen. I dont think the OP should b be on parity with spending and he must be aware of it.
OP needs to address it in one way or another or resentment will just grow.
PS dont mess up your exams. Stingy people are really really irritatng. Much nicer to be with a generous poor person than a stingy wealthy one.
Original post by Leviathan1611
if you think he's stingy, please end it. you do not want to spend the rest of your life with a stingy man, trust me.

I also think he's not that interested.

It's far better to marry someone that's careful with their money than someone where money runs through their hands like water.

However, the boyfriend is a saver. If the OP is a spender, there is no long term happiness for them in the future.

The OP needs to try to evaluate her approach to money and finances. Does she fundamentally agree with the boyfriend's philosophy of spending money only when needed. And when spending it, to do it wisely. And to aim to put aside some money each month?

Or does she think that saving is for fools? Because you can't take your money to heaven.

Looking ahead. If you were married and had to take time out of your career to look after young children, would he give a suitable amount of money for the household expenses plus a bit to spend on yourself?
Are you compatible in how many children each of you wants?

The OP should not listen to her friends and family on this. Because there may be an element of jealousy in this. Or families have an annoying habit of "No man is good enough for my daughter" or of disliking boyfriends because they are from a different background to you or some other stupid and shallow reason.

The OP's boyfriend may be under pressure from his family: "Don't marry a gold digger."
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
It's far better to marry someone that's careful with their money than someone where money runs through their hands like water.

However, the boyfriend is a saver. If the OP is a spender, there is no long term happiness for them in the future.

The OP needs to try to evaluate her approach to money and finances. Does she fundamentally agree with the boyfriend's philosophy of spending money only when needed. And when spending it, to do it wisely. And to aim to put aside some money each month?

Or does she think that saving is for fools? Because you can't take your money to heaven.

Looking ahead. If you were married and had to take time out of your career to look after young children, would he give a suitable amount of money for the household expenses plus a bit to spend on yourself?
Are you compatible in how many children each of you wants?

The OP should not listen to her friends and family on this. Because there may be an element of jealousy in this. Or families have an annoying habit of "No man is good enough for my daughter" or of disliking boyfriends because they are from a different background to you or some other stupid and shallow reason.

The OP's boyfriend may be under pressure from his family: "Don't marry a gold digger."


they're both just as bad in my opinion, either way you have no money, the stingy one keeps their money in the bank and never spends it even when needed, and the other just never has any money for things they need. my dad's stingy and it was annoying as hell when I was younger, when you know you're dad can afford it and he just won't pay cuz he's "saving for a rainy day"🙄🙄, you don't go frugal just to save for something that isn't even certain to happen. it'd make sense if you're actually saving towards something like a car, house, fees etc.

just because you save doesn't mean you're stingy, I save, but will happily go all out and spend my money on others without hesitation.

I don't know whether the boyfriend is or isn't stingy, but if op thinks they are (since they're the ones who knows and is dating them), then my suggestion is to end it. even if he's not stingy, he appears to be stingy by OP's standards so why bother continuing the relationship, it might end up being a problem in future for them.

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