Should I Be Forgiven?
Sorry if this feel like a long overblown story but here goes.
When I was a baby I was diagnosed with hydrocephalus (water on the brain as it's more easily known) and this has contributed to behaviour issues throughout my childhood and into my adulthood. Anyway when I was a boy I had this tendency to scratch my younger brother's face and mistreat him for no real reason. My parents didn't really punish or discipline me for it and I don't think they punished me enough, although my mum did use the wooden spoon and my dad did shut us in our rooms and sat against the door so we couldn't leave when we misbehaved. I also remember I bullied a boy who was a friend of my brother's as well for no real reason but I had been bullied by a 14 year-old boy when at this time I was about 7 and figured my aggressive behaviour had been influenced by me being bullied. I feel I'm the reason my brother's sweeter and angelic nature has been tarnished. I also remember when we had a huge family holiday to Cornwall in 2006 and me and my brother had just had ear piercings done and I remember I got so angry towards him I almost ripped his piercing out of his ear-we were fighting in front of my grandparents as my late granddad would say "don't be nasty have a pasty".
All of this lead to my brother being more aggressive and angry in his teenage years. He physically abused my mum and went through the court system for a spell. In June 2008 he did get me back once when we were play boxing in my mum's room and I got too aggressive, and in August 2009 he broke my nose after I got all riled up and angry because he called me names. Also in 2013 he stormed in my room when I was watching The Inbetweeners because I took my laptop from his room-because he doesn't like it when people go into his room-to which we got into a heated argument and I punched him in the face-he didn't retaliate as such but he did pin me down and warned me to not do that ever again. We got into fights quite a bit although we have had brilliant times too where we'd play Fifa games and NHL Hitz 2003 together and had a right laugh. I'd often let him take blu-rays he wanted from my room as well. I believe he lets the negatives outweigh the positives but I understand why he feels the way he does now.
However, in 2016 I overheard that he didn't want anything more to do with me or my brother because he thinks we're going nowhere in our lives. He stopped communicating with both of us and when he sees us he usually huffs and puffs, uttering expletives under his breath. On the 30th of December 2018 I confronted him after he was having a row with mother, at this point he had grown up and wouldn't abuse her again, but he got into a bad temper because he blamed mum because he couldn't find an item of clothing. So I go into the bathroom where he and mum were arguing when things got heated, he grabbed me by the throat and held me against the airing cupboard. In his incensed manner he told me that he hated me and didn't want me to go anywhere near him and just completely going into a rage prompting my older brother to try and break things up, though he started wanting to fight him as well. I was quite shaken by the experience but cooler heads prevailed. After saying that he thought I'd attack him, I said I wouldn't have and I'd just wanted to confront him to get an indication where he stands. He eventually apologised and felt bad for lashing out. Since then we haven't spoken at all and he maintains the demeanour he had before-which is not talking to me.
Do you think I've messed everything up because of how I mistreated my brother when we were children or do you think that as life and maturity progresses there's some hope for things to return to normal? I don't hate my brother at all but I think he has hatred towards me that's built up over the years. I'd like to speak to him but I want to respect his wishes to just get on with his own life. What should I do?
When I was a baby I was diagnosed with hydrocephalus (water on the brain as it's more easily known) and this has contributed to behaviour issues throughout my childhood and into my adulthood. Anyway when I was a boy I had this tendency to scratch my younger brother's face and mistreat him for no real reason. My parents didn't really punish or discipline me for it and I don't think they punished me enough, although my mum did use the wooden spoon and my dad did shut us in our rooms and sat against the door so we couldn't leave when we misbehaved. I also remember I bullied a boy who was a friend of my brother's as well for no real reason but I had been bullied by a 14 year-old boy when at this time I was about 7 and figured my aggressive behaviour had been influenced by me being bullied. I feel I'm the reason my brother's sweeter and angelic nature has been tarnished. I also remember when we had a huge family holiday to Cornwall in 2006 and me and my brother had just had ear piercings done and I remember I got so angry towards him I almost ripped his piercing out of his ear-we were fighting in front of my grandparents as my late granddad would say "don't be nasty have a pasty".
All of this lead to my brother being more aggressive and angry in his teenage years. He physically abused my mum and went through the court system for a spell. In June 2008 he did get me back once when we were play boxing in my mum's room and I got too aggressive, and in August 2009 he broke my nose after I got all riled up and angry because he called me names. Also in 2013 he stormed in my room when I was watching The Inbetweeners because I took my laptop from his room-because he doesn't like it when people go into his room-to which we got into a heated argument and I punched him in the face-he didn't retaliate as such but he did pin me down and warned me to not do that ever again. We got into fights quite a bit although we have had brilliant times too where we'd play Fifa games and NHL Hitz 2003 together and had a right laugh. I'd often let him take blu-rays he wanted from my room as well. I believe he lets the negatives outweigh the positives but I understand why he feels the way he does now.
However, in 2016 I overheard that he didn't want anything more to do with me or my brother because he thinks we're going nowhere in our lives. He stopped communicating with both of us and when he sees us he usually huffs and puffs, uttering expletives under his breath. On the 30th of December 2018 I confronted him after he was having a row with mother, at this point he had grown up and wouldn't abuse her again, but he got into a bad temper because he blamed mum because he couldn't find an item of clothing. So I go into the bathroom where he and mum were arguing when things got heated, he grabbed me by the throat and held me against the airing cupboard. In his incensed manner he told me that he hated me and didn't want me to go anywhere near him and just completely going into a rage prompting my older brother to try and break things up, though he started wanting to fight him as well. I was quite shaken by the experience but cooler heads prevailed. After saying that he thought I'd attack him, I said I wouldn't have and I'd just wanted to confront him to get an indication where he stands. He eventually apologised and felt bad for lashing out. Since then we haven't spoken at all and he maintains the demeanour he had before-which is not talking to me.
Do you think I've messed everything up because of how I mistreated my brother when we were children or do you think that as life and maturity progresses there's some hope for things to return to normal? I don't hate my brother at all but I think he has hatred towards me that's built up over the years. I'd like to speak to him but I want to respect his wishes to just get on with his own life. What should I do?
I do believe internal feelings will resolve after some time — but that is if you are apart from one another for a LONG time. These hatred feelings can become so intense that they linger when you're around the person you hate.
As long as everyone involved changes for the better during that time apart, then I'm sure things can and will be resolved. But you can't stop people from having regrets and grudges for any reasons, they can stay forever, it's the way people handle them which can change.
As long as everyone involved changes for the better during that time apart, then I'm sure things can and will be resolved. But you can't stop people from having regrets and grudges for any reasons, they can stay forever, it's the way people handle them which can change.
This is way beyond this forum and its best you guys seek professional help. Yes your parents should have corrected your behaviour when you both were younger, sure enough he wants some space away from you lot and its best to respect it by giving him his own space until he's willing to talk to you guys and finding way to fix your relationships.
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