Bf lied about watching porn

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
Please don't say it's normal it's fine, it's good, everyone does it. For 5 months he lied about watching porn, he told me he didn't. I found out 2.5 months ago but only just asked him. It has had so many negative impacts on me, his attitude towards me and sex in general, his mental state, and our relationship. He has admitted the affects but doesn't view it as bad. Even though I've known for ages, having it confirmed, I feel sick, I'm shaking and very upset and angry and I can't sleep.

He wasn't even sorry and tried to blame me. We had this discussion via message not irl. I don't even know how I can look at him again, let alone touch him, and abhor the thought of being intimate. I don't know what to do. Anyone felt the same way as me? Ik a lot of people love porn and think it's great I really don't want to know that rn
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Anonymous #2
#2
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#2
I think the fact he lied about it is even worse than what he's actually doing. The fact it's impacting so many things in both your lives negatively is certainly not acceptable. The act itself isn't bad but if it's causing this many problems then it is. He doesn't sound like a very good boyfriend in my opinion as he isn't treating you or the relationship with respect and care. I think you should definitely give yourself a couple days to cool off away from him and have some space. Then, seriously re-evaluate if you want to be with someone who has done something which so utterly transgresses your values and beliefs.
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Anonymous #1
#3
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
I think the fact he lied about it is even worse than what he's actually doing. The fact it's impacting so many things in both your lives negatively is certainly not acceptable. The act itself isn't bad but if it's causing this many problems then it is. He doesn't sound like a very good boyfriend in my opinion as he isn't treating you or the relationship with respect and care. I think you should definitely give yourself a couple days to cool off away from him and have some space. Then, seriously re-evaluate if you want to be with someone who has done something which so utterly transgresses your values and beliefs.
Yes that's what has upset me the most, his lies and that he doesn't care about the impact, valuing porn over me. It has caused a lot of problems, he doesn't *** from sex with me, he's hard to please, I feel very insecure and bad about not having the skills of a porn person, he has adopted tougher methods and thinks he's entitled, etc etc. I will try and cool down and hopefully feel better in the morning. We ended conversation, should we speak about it again, how can it even be resolved? Thank you for being understanding
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Anonymous #3
#4
Report 1 month ago
#4
(Original post by Anonymous)
Please don't say it's normal it's fine, it's good, everyone does it. For 5 months he lied about watching porn, he told me he didn't. I found out 2.5 months ago but only just asked him. It has had so many negative impacts on me, his attitude towards me and sex in general, his mental state, and our relationship. He has admitted the affects but doesn't view it as bad. Even though I've known for ages, having it confirmed, I feel sick, I'm shaking and very upset and angry and I can't sleep.

He wasn't even sorry and tried to blame me. We had this discussion via message not irl. I don't even know how I can look at him again, let alone touch him, and abhor the thought of being intimate. I don't know what to do. Anyone felt the same way as me? Ik a lot of people love porn and think it's great I really don't want to know that rn
The replies to this thread will likely all be people defending porn. But i am telling you as a man, you are absolutely right. Pornography is a horrible addiction, and it has often be equated to other drugs in its effect on the human brain. I do not see how others are fine being with their partners when knowing that they view naked women on a screen having sex. You have to understand, porn addicts get greater satisfaction from watching porn than being with an actual human. You need to leave him. You deserve better than this.
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Anonymous #4
#5
Report 1 month ago
#5
The lying part is not good but he probabaly lied about it because he knew you would react like this. If you were cool about it, he woukd have been more open I imagine?
But yea the lying part isn't good. The porn part isn't that bad because, even though you don't want to hear it, most people DO watch it. It's not a knock on you or how you look or anything it's just what people do. Obviously there's those out there who don't and that's fine too.
Im not saying it's great but it's also not realistic to want someone to not ever look at anything erotic or look at other people and focus exclusively on the person they are with only, for howrver long they're together. It's natural to be aroused by others and want that kind of variety. It's what humans do.
Most of the time, it's not even about what the people look like, but just the act itself because the act is arousing. As for the skills it a porn person, they aren't really that skilled in terms of pleasure. They're skilled in making it look pleasurable and some aren't even good at that.
To what the other person says about others being fine with their partners looking at naked women in the Internet? You can't ban a partner from ever looking at any other person at all ever. A relationshio shouldn't mean you're locked to a person.
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Anonymous #2
#6
Report 1 month ago
#6
(Original post by Anonymous)
Yes that's what has upset me the most, his lies and that he doesn't care about the impact, valuing porn over me. It has caused a lot of problems, he doesn't *** from sex with me, he's hard to please, I feel very insecure and bad about not having the skills of a porn person, he has adopted tougher methods and thinks he's entitled, etc etc. I will try and cool down and hopefully feel better in the morning. We ended conversation, should we speak about it again, how can it even be resolved? Thank you for being understanding
No worries Honestly tho, he doesn't sound very nice at all, and I'm so sorry he's made you feel like this. He seems to have a very unhealthy attitude toward sex and how to treat a partner in general. You deserve much, much better and should not settle for this behaviour. If leaving him is not an option, I would say rather than critcising what he does, tell him how he's made you feel, and if he loves you he will be ashamed and work on being a better boyfriend. Also, emphasise that it's the lies that upset you more than anything else and that your concern is from a place of love. I hope your relationship can become stronger from this and improve, but if it does not, definitely do not waste another second with him as he has raised lots of major red flags. Your staying with him after this is a blessing and he should be insanely grateful to have a girlfriend who cares about his problems enough to work through them with him.
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Anonymous #1
#7
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#7
(Original post by Anonymous)
The lying part is not good but he probabaly lied about it because he knew you would react like this. If you were cool about it, he woukd have been more open I imagine?
But yea the lying part isn't good. The porn part isn't that bad because, even though you don't want to hear it, most people DO watch it. It's not a knock on you or how you look or anything it's just what people do. Obviously there's those out there who don't and that's fine too.
Im not saying it's great but it's also not realistic to want someone to not ever look at anything erotic or look at other people and focus exclusively on the person they are with only, for howrver long they're together. It's natural to be aroused by others and want that kind of variety. It's what humans do.
Most of the time, it's not even about what the people look like, but just the act itself because the act is arousing. As for the skills it a porn person, they aren't really that skilled in terms of pleasure. They're skilled in making it look pleasurable and some aren't even good at that.
To what the other person says about others being fine with their partners looking at naked women in the Internet? You can't ban a partner from ever looking at any other person at all ever. A relationshio shouldn't mean you're locked to a person.
But just because a lot of people watch it doesn't mean it's good. It has in no way helped our relationship at all and has damaged it. I understand if people want to do it when they are single but it nearly always causes problems in a relationship where one person supports it and the other doesn't. He concealed it because he thought I wasn't that bothered about it. For me personally I'm very loyal and I have quite a high sex drive but I don't need to watch porn to satisfy that or look at other guys but nowadays no one thinks like me. Porn is very unnatural too and it can have damaging effects on people and relationships as evinced by my own
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Anonymous #1
#8
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#8
(Original post by Anonymous)
No worries Honestly tho, he doesn't sound very nice at all, and I'm so sorry he's made you feel like this. He seems to have a very unhealthy attitude toward sex and how to treat a partner in general. You deserve much, much better and should not settle for this behaviour. If leaving him is not an option, I would say rather than critcising what he does, tell him how he's made you feel, and if he loves you he will be ashamed and work on being a better boyfriend. Also, emphasise that it's the lies that upset you more than anything else and that your concern is from a place of love. I hope your relationship can become stronger from this and improve, but if it does not, definitely do not waste another second with him as he has raised lots of major red flags. Your staying with him after this is a blessing and he should be insanely grateful to have a girlfriend who cares about his problems enough to work through them with him.
His reaction to it has made me really sad tbh! He doesn't care that it has upset me and when I said about it, he started saying about all my flaws, and didn't want to continue the conversation. I'm not sure how we'll get through his one tbh, this problem is the tip of the iceberg... Thank you so much for your help and support x
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Anonymous #5
#9
Report 1 month ago
#9
He's lied about it, isn't sorry and tried to blame you. He sounds like a terrible boyfriend tbh, doing any of those things regardless of the topic is a red flag. I think you should break up with him and move on.

Especially because it's not something you agree with but it's part of his everyday life and is changing him, the relationship wont work anyway unfortunately. It'll save you time and hurt if you end it now.
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Anonymous #4
#10
Report 1 month ago
#10
(Original post by Anonymous)
But just because a lot of people watch it doesn't mean it's good. It has in no way helped our relationship at all and has damaged it. I understand if people want to do it when they are single but it nearly always causes problems in a relationship where one person supports it and the other doesn't. He concealed it because he thought I wasn't that bothered about it. For me personally I'm very loyal and I have quite a high sex drive but I don't need to watch porn to satisfy that or look at other guys but nowadays no one thinks like me. Porn is very unnatural too and it can have damaging effects on people and relationships as evinced by my own
It doesn't mean its good no but it also doesn't mean it's abhorrent. I guess it's down to communicating and if you're bf didn't know you were bothered by it, then I don't think he really has a lot that he should be ashamed of. If he knew you didn't like it but did it behind your back anyway.that would be different.
I think that you can be someone who is loyal but still watch porn. It doesn't mean cheating as you can't have interaction with an image on a screen. It doesn't mean a person can't be loyal.
I think too much restriction is placed on relationships and monogomy is setting the bar unrealistically high and its quite unattainable for some.
Porn can be damaging if it is overused just like anything. And like anything, moderation is key
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Anonymous #1
#11
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#11
(Original post by Anonymous)
The replies to this thread will likely all be people defending porn. But i am telling you as a man, you are absolutely right. Pornography is a horrible addiction, and it has often be equated to other drugs in its effect on the human brain. I do not see how others are fine being with their partners when knowing that they view naked women on a screen having sex. You have to understand, porn addicts get greater satisfaction from watching porn than being with an actual human. You need to leave him. You deserve better than this.
Yes everyone defends it but that's usually because they watch it :/ he does obviously get more sexual satisfaction from watching porn than being with me, which hurts so much because I thought sex meant more to him than just gratification for his ****.

(Original post by Anonymous)
He's lied about it, isn't sorry and tried to blame you. He sounds like a terrible boyfriend tbh, doing any of those things regardless of the topic is a red flag. I think you should break up with him and move on.

Especially because it's not something you agree with but it's part of his everyday life and is changing him, the relationship wont work anyway unfortunately. It'll save you time and hurt if you end it now.
Thank you, obviously it's only my side of the story but I was starting to feel like I was the bad one when he kept saying about what a toxic and **** person I am and how watching porn doesn't make him feel bad it makes him feel good and appreciated which is ****ed up.
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999tigger
Badges: 19
#12
Report 1 month ago
#12
(Original post by Anonymous)
Please don't say it's normal it's fine, it's good, everyone does it. For 5 months he lied about watching porn, he told me he didn't. I found out 2.5 months ago but only just asked him. It has had so many negative impacts on me, his attitude towards me and sex in general, his mental state, and our relationship. He has admitted the affects but doesn't view it as bad. Even though I've known for ages, having it confirmed, I feel sick, I'm shaking and very upset and angry and I can't sleep.

He wasn't even sorry and tried to blame me. We had this discussion via message not irl. I don't even know how I can look at him again, let alone touch him, and abhor the thought of being intimate. I don't know what to do. Anyone felt the same way as me? Ik a lot of people love porn and think it's great I really don't want to know that rn
You are never going to agree on this issue. You have a problem with it, he less so. You will never see eye to eye or compromise. He has also lied and you have lost trust, he feels he cant be himself round you.

The result is you will split up sooner rather than later because you are incompatible and have lost trust.
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Anonymous #1
#13
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#13
(Original post by Anonymous)
It doesn't mean its good no but it also doesn't mean it's abhorrent. I guess it's down to communicating and if you're bf didn't know you were bothered by it, then I don't think he really has a lot that he should be ashamed of. If he knew you didn't like it but did it behind your back anyway.that would be different.
I think that you can be someone who is loyal but still watch porn. It doesn't mean cheating as you can't have interaction with an image on a screen. It doesn't mean a person can't be loyal.
I think too much restriction is placed on relationships and monogomy is setting the bar unrealistically high and its quite unattainable for some.
Porn can be damaging if it is overused just like anything. And like anything, moderation is key
I have always told him I don't like porn and have very negative views on it. I decided not to say to him I'd prefer it if he didn't watch it because it should be his choice, perhaps I should've emphasized how much it would bother me, but it's important people do what they want to do and be themselves. Yeah I guess people differ,maybe it makes me and him incompatible, obviously porn is a devicise topic as well.
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Anonymous #5
#14
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#14
(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you, obviously it's only my side of the story but I was starting to feel like I was the bad one when he kept saying about what a toxic and **** person I am and how watching porn doesn't make him feel bad it makes him feel good and appreciated which is ****ed up.
He's making it clear that he wont change and he doesn't really care to be honest. Saying things like that to you is a huge red flag, honestly stop wasting your time.
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Anonymous #1
#15
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(Original post by Anonymous)
He's making it clear that he wont change and he doesn't really care to be honest. Saying things like that to you is a huge red flag, honestly stop wasting your time.
Yeah I really should leave, this is probably the final nail in the coffin. Just sucks though, it hurts a lot because he was great at the start but I need to be realistic.
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JGoosey2002
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#16
Report 1 month ago
#16
(Original post by Anonymous)
Please don't say it's normal it's fine, it's good, everyone does it. For 5 months he lied about watching porn, he told me he didn't. I found out 2.5 months ago but only just asked him. It has had so many negative impacts on me, his attitude towards me and sex in general, his mental state, and our relationship. He has admitted the affects but doesn't view it as bad. Even though I've known for ages, having it confirmed, I feel sick, I'm shaking and very upset and angry and I can't sleep.

He wasn't even sorry and tried to blame me. We had this discussion via message not irl. I don't even know how I can look at him again, let alone touch him, and abhor the thought of being intimate. I don't know what to do. Anyone felt the same way as me? Ik a lot of people love porn and think it's great I really don't want to know that rn
How did you find out?? Btw most of the ppl telling you how bad it is are males thinking if they act nice they will get some. Him watching porn does not mean he loves you any less!!
Last edited by JGoosey2002; 1 month ago
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Anonymous #1
#17
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(Original post by JGoosey2002)
How did you find out?? Btw most of the ppl telling you how bad it is are males thinking if they act nice they will get some. Him watching porn does not mean he loves you any less!!
There were many little things, such as the negative stuff I mentioned, the ultimate thing was he was using this bottle of lotion he told me in the summer he only used for porn. I went to his house one day in december and I saw his laptop lotion and toilet paper together on his desk like he had just used all 3 of them. He really does not love me because he would prefer to watch porn than have a bj from me or have sex. Like he orgasms from porn easily yet he doesn't ever when we have sex.
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Nut tree
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#18
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Porn promotes a belittling image of women, they are reduced to sexual tools. Porn often involves violence towards women. Porn sites refuse to take down rape videos even when asked by a 15 year old girl who was raped by 2 men who then put it on porn hub. Watching porn gives people unrealistic expectations of another person's physique. It is damaging to relationships. You are right that it leads to a feeling of entitlement. The user gets used to mechanisms, triggers that do not take consideration of a partner into account. It often results in the partner feeling inadequate as they are measured up to some filmed fantasy. The user needs variety and gets bored with a real live partner, infidelity then comes into play. It separates sex and a relationship. The brain is changed by being a regular porn user exactly as it does with any other addiction. There are plenty of clear scientific reports on this on the internet. I watched a short youtube video on how to break the addiction BUT the user has to want to, and an addict rarely wants to give up their drug of choice. I have recently been confronted by this issue and my conclusions are 1. Porn is extremely damaging. 2. Women should not be peer-pushed into accepting that men have a regular porn habit. 3. I can see no future in a relationship with a man who has a porn habit. I wish you well and hope my thoughts help you see your way into becoming convinced that you deserve better. NEVER stay in a relationship that makes you uncomfortable because it will only get worse. Be strong!
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Anonymous #1
#19
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#19
(Original post by Nut tree)
Porn promotes a belittling image of women, they are reduced to sexual tools. Porn often involves violence towards women. Porn sites refuse to take down rape videos even when asked by a 15 year old girl who was raped by 2 men who then put it on porn hub. Watching porn gives people unrealistic expectations of another person's physique. It is damaging to relationships. You are right that it leads to a feeling of entitlement. The user gets used to mechanisms, triggers that do not take consideration of a partner into account. It often results in the partner feeling inadequate as they are measured up to some filmed fantasy. The user needs variety and gets bored with a real live partner, infidelity then comes into play. It separates sex and a relationship. The brain is changed by being a regular porn user exactly as it does with any other addiction. There are plenty of clear scientific reports on this on the internet. I watched a short youtube video on how to break the addiction BUT the user has to want to, and an addict rarely wants to give up their drug of choice. I have recently been confronted by this issue and my conclusions are 1. Porn is extremely damaging. 2. Women should not be peer-pushed into accepting that men have a regular porn habit. 3. I can see no future in a relationship with a man who has a porn habit. I wish you well and hope my thoughts help you see your way into becoming convinced that you deserve better. NEVER stay in a relationship that makes you uncomfortable because it will only get worse. Be strong!
Thank you so much for your response, it's nice to have someone who understands and has the same view, that does have evidence to support it. What makes you say you can see no future with a man who has a porn habit? Do you mean any man who uses porn or one who has an addiction?
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goggleyed
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#20
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if its a deal breaker for you then you need to dump him. watching porn is addictive to the average man and i doubt he'll ever give it up anytime soon for you. either accept it or dump him
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