Anonymous #1
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Am I a bad person for being disappointed in the gifts I receive?
For example, I told my dad I didn’t want anything for Christmas because my birthday was in February and I wanted something a little pricier because it was my 20th birthday. Anyways, I hint at a gold ring that I liked (£40-£50) and when it comes to my birthday I get a £5 ring from Topman and a card. I do understand that money is an issue for him, but just last month he brought a £200 watch for himself and I was shocked because I didn’t know he could afford such a splurge.
Am I setting my expectations too high? Am I being quite shallow? I don’t know because it really did feel like a kick in the teeth.
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Anonymous #2
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Yes, you are being shallow. Your dad doesn't owe you anything.
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CTLeafez
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yes, you are being shallow. Your dad doesn't owe you anything.
This ^

I can appreciate your disappointment but gifts aren’t a compulsory thing. Surely being 20 and the ring costing £50, you could easily buy it yourself if you wanted

As they say, if you want something done, do it yourself
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pinesandapples2001
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Don't get attached to material things
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by CTLeafez)
This ^

I can appreciate your disappointment but gifts aren’t a compulsory thing. Surely being 20 and the ring costing £50, you could easily buy it yourself if you wanted

As they say, if you want something done, do it yourself
Yes. I completely get that. It’s not as if I’m going to throw a fit and tell him I’m disappointed, it’s just that I feel a little bit let down. I guess it’s more of an issue about our relationship. Like, after my mum passed away when I was 14, he made no effort to maintain our relationship and when I turned 18 I really did stop trying to force our relationship. Anyways, now it feels like maybe I can get that reassurance that he is there for me from little things, but I honestly just can’t seem to find that anywhere. I think i just have to make peace with that fact that he probably doesn’t really think of me/care for me in the way that I want him to and stop disappointing myself each time I expect him to come through and show me some affection/attention.
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NotNotBatman
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yes. I completely get that. It’s not as if I’m going to throw a fit and tell him I’m disappointed, it’s just that I feel a little bit let down. I guess it’s more of an issue about our relationship. Like, after my mum passed away when I was 14, he made no effort to maintain our relationship and when I turned 18 I really did stop trying to force our relationship. Anyways, now it feels like maybe I can get that reassurance that he is there for me from little things, but I honestly just can’t seem to find that anywhere. I think i just have to make peace with that fact that he probably doesn’t really think of me/care for me in the way that I want him to and stop disappointing myself each time I expect him to come through and show me some affection/attention.
so it's not really about the gifts then.
Have you told him how you feel in the past?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by NotNotBatman)
so it's not really about the gifts then.
Have you told him how you feel in the past?
It’s not about the gifts in the sense that I’m saying “I want nice things but no one ever gets me them”. It’s about the meaning I attach to the gift because I get such underwhelming responses elsewhere.
I’ve told him multiple times that I don’t feel like a priority to you and that hurts me and he just apologises and nothing changes. Once I remember his response was “You guys (me and my brother) are such a burden in my life and I never agreed to bring you up on my own, so all I can do now is focus on myself”. He is honestly just a really selfish person and I don’t think he’s willing ti change that.
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CTLeafez
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yes. I completely get that. It’s not as if I’m going to throw a fit and tell him I’m disappointed, it’s just that I feel a little bit let down. I guess it’s more of an issue about our relationship. Like, after my mum passed away when I was 14, he made no effort to maintain our relationship and when I turned 18 I really did stop trying to force our relationship. Anyways, now it feels like maybe I can get that reassurance that he is there for me from little things, but I honestly just can’t seem to find that anywhere. I think i just have to make peace with that fact that he probably doesn’t really think of me/care for me in the way that I want him to and stop disappointing myself each time I expect him to come through and show me some affection/attention.
I’m sorry about your mum :/

If your own father isn’t making an effort to maintain/build your relationship then that’s on him...

Best not to expect positive experiences from people like that.

Did you used to have a better relationship before you mum died?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by CTLeafez)
I’m sorry about your mum :/

If your own father isn’t making an effort to maintain/build your relationship then that’s on him...

Best not to expect positive experiences from people like that.

Did you used to have a better relationship before you mum died?
Kind of? I thought we did, but I was really close to my mum, so maybe I didn’t realise our relationship was lacking until she passed because i stopped getting that affection/attention.
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Pathway
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Kind of? I thought we did, but I was really close to my mum, so maybe I didn’t realise our relationship was lacking until she passed because i stopped getting that affection/attention.
How was your dad in the acute grief period? Because it sort of sounds like he's placing his grief on you and your brother and in some way blaming you both? Have you guys ever thoughts about going to family therapy or similar? Grief counselling? I dunno. Losing a parent at a young age can be really difficult for the family unit to cope with, I'm really sorry this is happening.
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