boyfriend barely talks to me when he visits home

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
Hi- I know the title might make me sound like a massive ********- of course I want him to enjoy being at home and not have to talk to me 24/7.

I’m a uni student whose been with my boyfriend for nearly 4months now.
My problem is that whenever he goes to visit home (to clarify visiting home away from uni) , it’s like he shuts off from me. It’ll take hours for him to reply and they’ll be short, we barely phone each other n it’s just not as affectionate as usual. I honestly appreciate that he’s at home and wants to relax, so I don’t want to bother him asking him to talk. it’s just really weird because he goes from being super affectionate saying he misses me loads and can’t wait to see me, messaging me loads to barely talking at all. I wouldn’t mind as well if he was really busy but he usually just gets high in his room and games. Like I said, I know boys are different and they need their own space, it’s just weird that it only happens when he goes to his family home (not uni flat).
I’m a very affectionate person so I know it might be me just being sensitive tbh, but I don’t want to be the person he kind of relies on a lot at uni and then drops when at home. I know that sounds super dramatic but it’s what I’m scared of happening.
I’m also scared because I know he still talks to this girl from tinder before we got together- she rejected him and he’s assured me many times that he just wants to be friends. I’m scared that while I’m being ignored for hours he’s talking to her- I know they share a lot of interests but I don’t want to sound like the psycho girlfriend who stalks her.

Honestly I know I’m an anxious person, but my worst fear is that I’m not exciting enough as when we first got together, and that he’ll lose interest/rather talk to this girl. I really don’t want to be a girl he relies on for like love and attention at uni but then stops, as dramatic as that sounds!

Does anyone have any similar experience or suggestions on how I approach this, why this happens
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999tigger
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#2
Report 1 month ago
#2
(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi- I know the title might make me sound like a massive ********- of course I want him to enjoy being at home and not have to talk to me 24/7.

I’m a uni student whose been with my boyfriend for nearly 4months now.
My problem is that whenever he goes to visit home (to clarify visiting home away from uni) , it’s like he shuts off from me. It’ll take hours for him to reply and they’ll be short, we barely phone each other n it’s just not as affectionate as usual. I honestly appreciate that he’s at home and wants to relax, so I don’t want to bother him asking him to talk. it’s just really weird because he goes from being super affectionate saying he misses me loads and can’t wait to see me, messaging me loads to barely talking at all. I wouldn’t mind as well if he was really busy but he usually just gets high in his room and games. Like I said, I know boys are different and they need their own space, it’s just weird that it only happens when he goes to his family home (not uni flat).
I’m a very affectionate person so I know it might be me just being sensitive tbh, but I don’t want to be the person he kind of relies on a lot at uni and then drops when at home. I know that sounds super dramatic but it’s what I’m scared of happening.
I’m also scared because I know he still talks to this girl from tinder before we got together- she rejected him and he’s assured me many times that he just wants to be friends. I’m scared that while I’m being ignored for hours he’s talking to her- I know they share a lot of interests but I don’t want to sound like the psycho girlfriend who stalks her.

Honestly I know I’m an anxious person, but my worst fear is that I’m not exciting enough as when we first got together, and that he’ll lose interest/rather talk to this girl. I really don’t want to be a girl he relies on for like love and attention at uni but then stops, as dramatic as that sounds!

Does anyone have any similar experience or suggestions on how I approach this, why this happens
The following:
1. Better self esteem to build confidence and care less, irrespective of bf.
2. Talk to BF and tell him you find it a bit strange he blows hot and cold, you arent asking for much and agree a compromise. That might just be a chat in the evening, but allow him space to be home?
3. If he ignores or continues to blow hot and cold, then consider what you want and dont always put him first at uni i.e cool it a but till its convenient to you. Also need to check your insecurity doesnt become suffocating and needy, hence 1. Sounds like you need more balance and its only 4 months old.
4. Work on 1 then you wont care about this other girl to the extent if it happens you can deal with it.
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Joel 96
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#3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m also scared because I know he still talks to this girl from tinder before we got together- she rejected him and he’s assured me many times that he just wants to be friends. I’m scared that while I’m being ignored for hours he’s talking to her- I know they share a lot of interests but I don’t want to sound like the psycho girlfriend who stalks her.
me and my fiance generally don't talk to other people of the opposite sex, and we're happier as a result.
talk to him about it.
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Sataris
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Am I your boyfriend?
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
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(Original post by 999tigger)
The following:
1. Better self esteem to build confidence and care less, irrespective of bf.
2. Talk to BF and tell him you find it a bit strange he blows hot and cold, you arent asking for much and agree a compromise. That might just be a chat in the evening, but allow him space to be home?
3. If he ignores or continues to blow hot and cold, then consider what you want and dont always put him first at uni i.e cool it a but till its convenient to you. Also need to check your insecurity doesnt become suffocating and needy, hence 1. Sounds like you need more balance and its only 4 months old.
4. Work on 1 then you wont care about this other girl to the extent if it happens you can deal with it.
Ahhhh thank you this was good to hear. yeah I think the main thing is that I tend to be rlly insecure n I try my best to hide it from him/myself but like it’s defo something I need to work on- thank you, has helped me realise this!
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
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(Original post by Sataris)
Am I your boyfriend?
Questionable
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Anonymous #1
#7
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#7
(Original post by Joel 96)
me and my fiance generally don't talk to other people of the opposite sex, and we're happier as a result.
talk to him about it.
Yeah I might thanks. How does this work for you? Did you start because you both worried about it or because you don’t see the need to? Sorry feel free to not answer these questions haha just curious
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999tigger
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Report 4 weeks ago
#8
(Original post by Anonymous)
Ahhhh thank you this was good to hear. yeah I think the main thing is that I tend to be rlly insecure n I try my best to hide it from him/myself but like it’s defo something I need to work on- thank you, has helped me realise this!
Remember you are with yourself for life and he is going to be temp.
It makes sense to get more comfortable in your own skin and then you can deal with such situations and be able to handle things either with him or without. He is just a side issue, as I said address it and then make your mind up whether hes worth it or not, not a big deal if its not as you will be fine on your own. Once you realise that you wont worry as much. So the answer is really you and he is a side issue.
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Martin.w19
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#9
Most people have a routine, you say he just gets high and games while at home?Im most cases this is because this us the routine he knows while he's there. Theres nothing to worry about.I myself and a very social person but when I'm home I shut myself off from the world and do my own thing because that's my routine. I understand you're comsern being a new relationship but I think the best thing for everyone is to talk about eachothers conserns and try and find common ground to work with so that you both can be happy in the relationship
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Scotney
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My two kids come home when they want a break from being so sociable at uni so I do not think you have anything to worry about but I would discuss some sort of arrangement so you are not stressing. If he cares about you he will not mind. Even if he says I prefer not to text/phone when I go home because of X then you will at least know what the story is.
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Joel 96
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yeah I might thanks. How does this work for you? Did you start because you both worried about it or because you don’t see the need to? Sorry feel free to not answer these questions haha just curious
sorry for the late response. we both decided to make it a rule since we both didn't like each other hanging out with people of the opposite sex. it's not because we don't trust each other, but we don't trust other people. plus, we're always going to worry in those situations, so we just made it a rule to save us the anxiety. in my view, making rules is the only way to increase chances of longevity.
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 3 weeks ago
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(Original post by 999tigger)
Remember you are with yourself for life and he is going to be temp.
It makes sense to get more comfortable in your own skin and then you can deal with such situations and be able to handle things either with him or without. He is just a side issue, as I said address it and then make your mind up whether hes worth it or not, not a big deal if its not as you will be fine on your own. Once you realise that you wont worry as much. So the answer is really you and he is a side issue.
ty so much, this has really helped me think about myself n how I need to prioritise myself more 😊thanks again
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 3 weeks ago
#13
(Original post by Martin.w19)
Most people have a routine, you say he just gets high and games while at home?Im most cases this is because this us the routine he knows while he's there. Theres nothing to worry about.I myself and a very social person but when I'm home I shut myself off from the world and do my own thing because that's my routine. I understand you're comsern being a new relationship but I think the best thing for everyone is to talk about eachothers conserns and try and find common ground to work with so that you both can be happy in the relationship
Yeah exactly this is reassuring to hear- this sounds quite similar to him in that he seems to be like in his own world when he’s there! I’ve started to realise it isn’t intentional but it would make sense as he’s a lot more introverted than me (I tend to need to be around others). Thanks again
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999tigger
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Report 3 weeks ago
#14
(Original post by Anonymous)
ty so much, this has really helped me think about myself n how I need to prioritise myself more 😊thanks again
Its just a lot easier if you are happy with and like yourself rather than worrying about needing the approval or trying to live through others. Put yourself first and do things that are good for you or at least not one sided, but mutually beneficial. Only saying it again so you dont forget.
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 3 weeks ago
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(Original post by Joel 96)
sorry for the late response. we both decided to make it a rule since we both didn't like each other hanging out with people of the opposite sex. it's not because we don't trust each other, but we don't trust other people. plus, we're always going to worry in those situations, so we just made it a rule to save us the anxiety. in my view, making rules is the only way to increase chances of longevity.
It’s okay, that’s really interesting! I’m glad it’s worked out for you, not to sound like a weird relationship expert but it sounds like you’ve got a really healthy way of working through stuff like that together
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 3 weeks ago
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(Original post by Scotney)
My two kids come home when they want a break from being so sociable at uni so I do not think you have anything to worry about but I would discuss some sort of arrangement so you are not stressing. If he cares about you he will not mind. Even if he says I prefer not to text/phone when I go home because of X then you will at least know what the story is.
Ahhh thank you! Yeah thanks that’s reassuring, I know uni can be overwhelming at times so it would make sense. I’ll try talk to him as well, thank you
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 3 weeks ago
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(Original post by 999tigger)
Its just a lot easier if you are happy with and like yourself rather than worrying about needing the approval or trying to live through others. Put yourself first and do things that are good for you or at least not one sided, but mutually beneficial. Only saying it again so you dont forget.
Ahh exactly and it’s really nice to hear it from someone else! Feel like it’s super hard to convince yourself all these things but thank you for the reminder that I should be putting myself first more
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999tigger
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Report 3 weeks ago
#18
(Original post by Anonymous)
Ahh exactly and it’s really nice to hear it from someone else! Feel like it’s super hard to convince yourself all these things but thank you for the reminder that I should be putting myself first more
I will hunt out some book linkd for you if you wish. drop me a dm or can post on here.
Need you to do something about it as its good for you in the long run, especially if you can sort it in the next 3.
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Joel 96
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Report 3 weeks ago
#19
(Original post by Anonymous)
It’s okay, that’s really interesting! I’m glad it’s worked out for you, not to sound like a weird relationship expert but it sounds like you’ve got a really healthy way of working through stuff like that together
Haha, not at all. Thank you
If you ever need any relationship advice, I'm happy to help, but I'm not an expert either :P
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