Would anybody mind rating my answer and if possible tell me how I can improve the score
Firstly, if I summarise your introduction, you have just said that there are views for and against. Now this does not answer the question at all as it has already told you that there are divergent views.
One thing that annoys me about your answer (although you may not actually lose marks for this) is that you occasionally do not capitalise "Christians" or "the Church."
In general you have made a good effort at providing different views. However, not all your paragraphs are backed up by sources of wisdom/authority (normally the Bible). Furthermore, you keep saying that "Others may say this..." If possible, specify which others. Are they conservative? liberal? charismatic? Catholic? Etc...
Also, if possible, I would also back up what practices they may do with examples. For example, you talked about charity. This is an EASY link to the Salvation Army and its focus on agape, helping those in need and proselytisation.
Finally, I would have a separate conclusion to your final point. The question is asking you to draw a nuanced, "justified," conclusion. This means not just saying that you agree wholeheartedly with one single view, even if that is actually what you believe. You have to draw on the points that you raised in the essay (though do not just repeat them) and make a balanced final decision. This is also the right kind of time to quote a Christian theologian or philosopher, if you happen to know any relevant quotations
In conclusion, as I do not have the mark scheme, I do not feel confident that I can give you an accurate score. If I were to guesstimate, I would say 8/12. However, I think that it is more important to listen to the feedback and ways to improve instead of worrying over the score. Good luck
Hope you have a good day!!!