Artemis Fowl Movie Update! Part 9

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AngryJellyfish
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In 2005, I discovered The Student Room forums (specifically thread #7778) while doing a Google search for news on a rumoured Artemis Fowl movie adaptation.

What started as a genuine thread for posting updates and rumours (even with a message in the OP specifically asking us to keep on topic :mmm: ) evolved over the course of several years into a general chat thread, as those of us with a common interest in the franchise bided our time. Every now and then we'd find vague promises, a glimmer of hope, then cancellation, over and over again. Also, there was something about a Hidden Society Of Evil Vampires Who Hate Sheep. :dontknow:

This series of megathreads, now on Part 8, eventually died in 2013, just under a decade after the first post was made.

I am reviving the megathread, because there is now an Artemis Fowl Movie trailer. This thing actually looks like it's actually happening.



Thanks Disney, I hate it.

But do you hate it? Share your thoughts here.

Or just spam, we got away with it for a decade. :ninja:
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DiddyDec
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I shall let you know when I get home. I never really go into Artemis when I was young even when they were all the rage.
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AngryJellyfish
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Captain Scarlet Jangrafess pineappleipod yo-less Deathly Hallows Jonah Ramone ~Lc~ sarahmo89 rusty_diamond kestral wottabout Psycho Gerbil 80s Love Child mute lirael2 - I dedicate this thread to you all. :rip:
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DiddyDec
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It looks ****e :console:
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wottabout
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OH MY GOODNESS ANGRY JELLYFISH I REMEMBER YOU FROM THE THREADS! I just googled “thestudentroom artemis fowl movie update” and found this.

Anyway, I was thoroughly unexcited about the movie until I heard the theory that the Artemis in the movie is actually Artemis III, son of Artemis II from the books. Which would explain. A lot. There are some scenes in the trailers that look like scenes from the book, but they could be flashbacks. I’ve seen people shoot down this theory because then why would Root still be commander, but then, since this Root is a woman, maybe she’s a relative.

The cast list does specifically say “Artemis Fowl II,” which is a problem, but of course if they DID pull this kind of stunt they wouldn’t let the cast list reveal the twist, yeah?

Regardless of whether the theory holds up, I am going to insist that it’s true despite all evidence to the contrary.
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Gofre
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(Original post by wottabout)
OH MY GOODNESS ANGRY JELLYFISH I REMEMBER YOU FROM THE THREADS! I just googled “thestudentroom artemis fowl movie update” and found this.

Anyway, I was thoroughly unexcited about the movie until I heard the theory that the Artemis in the movie is actually Artemis III, son of Artemis II from the books. Which would explain. A lot. There are some scenes in the trailers that look like scenes from the book, but they could be flashbacks. I’ve seen people shoot down this theory because then why would Root still be commander, but then, since this Root is a woman, maybe she’s a relative.

The cast list does specifically say “Artemis Fowl II,” which is a problem, but of course if they DID pull this kind of stunt they wouldn’t let the cast list reveal the twist, yeah?

Regardless of whether the theory holds up, I am going to insist that it’s true despite all evidence to the contrary.
Sorry to ruin the dream but the director has talked in interviews about how it is an adaptation of the first novel, and how Judi Dench is indeed playing a gender swapped Julius Root and interacting with Holly early in her LEP career. Butler's sister Juliet is also the same age as at the start of the series, and Butler would be able to contact the Faeries himself when older Artemis is kidnapped and not rely on the kid to find out everything again. This would be a hell of a lot of work for a preemptive "twist" in a kid's film, and a much farther stretch to explain everything than the simple explanation of "Disney f*cked with the story".
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wottabout
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THE MOVIE IS OUT AFTER ALMOST TWO DECADES IN DEVELOPMENT HELL. According to the reviews it was a disaster, but it exists! Good job team.
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Gofre
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(Original post by wottabout)
THE MOVIE IS OUT AFTER ALMOST TWO DECADES IN DEVELOPMENT HELL. According to the reviews it was a disaster, but it exists! Good job team.
I'm downloading it now, ready to watch while cradling my first edition copy of the Arctic Incident that I got signed by the author as a giddy ten year old. I can't wait to hate this movie.
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Gofre
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Hoooooly sh*t, that was hot garbage. Not just in a "they messed with the source material in a way I didn't like" kinda way, this was a horrifically inept film that also happened to spit on the source material at every conceivable juncture. This is going in with the rest of the notoriously bad YA novel adaptations, somewhere near the top of the pile. It's deeply, truly unpleasant for fans of the series and I'd wager it's a baffling watch for anybody who hasn't read it.

I'll post some full thoughts when I've had time to process and grieve.
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Jonah Ramone
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So many names, AJ, so many fond memories. Let this thread live on!
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AngryJellyfish
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(Original post by wottabout)
OH MY GOODNESS ANGRY JELLYFISH I REMEMBER YOU FROM THE THREADS! I just googled “thestudentroom artemis fowl movie update” and found this.

Anyway, I was thoroughly unexcited about the movie until I heard the theory that the Artemis in the movie is actually Artemis III, son of Artemis II from the books. Which would explain. A lot. There are some scenes in the trailers that look like scenes from the book, but they could be flashbacks. I’ve seen people shoot down this theory because then why would Root still be commander, but then, since this Root is a woman, maybe she’s a relative.

The cast list does specifically say “Artemis Fowl II,” which is a problem, but of course if they DID pull this kind of stunt they wouldn’t let the cast list reveal the twist, yeah?

Regardless of whether the theory holds up, I am going to insist that it’s true despite all evidence to the contrary.
Sorry for the late reply, I hadn't checked on this thread for a few months. Shows how reliant I've become on quote notifications. :ahee: Good to hear from you again at any rate, even if the movie turns out to be a trainwreck after all that wait, we'll still have those nostalgic memories of spamming on a student forum. :laugh:

(Original post by Jonah Ramone)
So many names, AJ, so many fond memories. Let this thread live on!
Good to see you again, too! Name:  jr.gif
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Gofre
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(Original post by AngryJellyfish)
even if the movie turns out to be a trainwreck after all that wait
Ohhhh there's no "if" about it. I'll have a full rant coming tomorrow!
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Jonah Ramone
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I came across this and just had to.

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AngryJellyfish
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(Original post by Jonah Ramone)
I came across this and just had to.

Great video. :laugh: Sucks for anyone who was still genuinely looking forward to it after all this time, though :s: 15 years and 3 months later, I've moved on from the franchise, but I'd have likely given it a look for nostalgia's sake. Don't think I'll bother now.
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I've just subjected myself to a second watch of this movie, this time taking notes of all the dumb sh*t that happens for anyone interested enough to read about it but not waste a full ninety minutes of their lives;


Spoiler:
Show
The movie takes exactly 11 seconds to start throwing exposition at you, and pretty much never stops.

30 seconds in you get the trope from early-2000s action movies where the name of a building appears in subtitles as it pans in from a distance, showing that the big house is Fowl Manor in Ireland, something that absolutely nobody over the age of 5 would need spoonfeeding to them.

We now get a solid ninety seconds of another overused trope from early 00s films- montages of new crews reeling off huge amounts of exposition so that the film doesn’t actually need to put any effort into revealing this stuff to you creatively.

Artemis Fowl Sr is now an antiquities thief, not the head of a criminal organisation.

The first burst-out-laughing moment: Mulch Diggums is a full sized human. The movie justifies this by saying he’s a dwarf that suffers from gigantism, it’s the laziest sh*t I’ve ever seen a movie try and pull off to avoid inflating the special effects budget. The movie also starts with him being arrested at Fowl Manor by human police.

Time for another early-00s movie trope (complete with the location being spelled out with subtitles again), using an interrogation scene to spew out even more exposition.

Mulch Diggums speaks with an American accent and a gruff Batman voice.

Mulch starts spilling the existence of faeries and the events at Fowl Manor to humans. It’s absolutely baffling that they thought this was a good idea for the story when the necessity for secrecy is overwhelmingly important to the faeries throughout the entire story and the key driver behind most of their activities. We now flash back a few days for the rest of the movie to start.

Mulch begins his story about Artemis Fowl II, talking about how much he loves Ireland while showing him surfing. Surfing. It is at this point, about seven seconds after he is first introduced, that any hopes of an accurate portrayal of the character should be well and truly purged from any book fan’s mind.

Artemis attends a regular comprehensive school, and is described as “unusual” but a child prodigy with more exposition.

He talks with a psychologist harkening to a scene from book 2, time for yet another avenue to deliver exposition (we are less than 6 minutes in at this point). The psychologist feels the need to remind him that his mother is dead (yep, they kill off his mother, one of the most important elements of the first novel when it comes to Artemis’ behaviour and motivation), talks condescendingly to him about not respecting people at the school he’s obviously not suited for, then gets grumpy when a 12 year old is mean to him. It also lets Artemis show off Sherlock-level deduction skills.

It’s mean to pick on child actors, but you can immediately tell the kid playing Artemis isn’t very good. I cannot believe there were no better options to play him, even if they wanted to stick to native Irish kids.

Artemis is now skating back to the Manor on a hoverboard. At one point he pulls off a painfully fake “big air” that wouldn’t have been less believable if they left the strings in. They also forgot to edit out the straps of the helmet he’s wearing under his beanie hat (Artemis’ clothes are from Kid’s Gap for most of the film, his trademark suits are apparently only for fighting in).

Exposition tells us that there’s nothing Artemis likes more than spending time with his dad (an antiques dealer now), who is waiting for him at home. They’ve scrapped the strained relationship and mysterious disappearance that prompts Artemis to take control of the family business, he’s now just a rich kid who really loves his daddy.

Artemis I teaches Artemis II about the faeries non-stop, like absolutely every scene is him teaching him new stuff or quizzing him. Artemis II doesn’t believe they’re real, and yet this kid who doesn’t respect anyone of lesser intelligence than himself apparently has no issue with his dad talking incessantly about fairy tales with enough conviction to make anyone think they were suffering from mental delusions, and his happy to indulge him at any opportunity.

Daddy goes away on business trips a lot, which makes little Arty sad. All he wants is to believe in his dad and go on business trips with him, which is trying to be emotional but it’s so painfully wooden.

Daddy flies off on his helicopter on another trip. The next morning Artemis wakes up (in a room full of Lego, kill me now) to see news reports that his father has gone missing (apparently antiques dealers going missing is international news now) playing on a tiny TV randomly set up in the middle of the kitchen. The news has also inexplicably found out that he’s an art thief, at no point is it explained how that was figured out.

We’re introduced to Butler, you can tell he’s a badass because he carries a big kendo stick. They scrapped the cool backstory about the family tradition of becoming bodyguards and training at an enigmatic academy for Personal Protection. You’re also allowed to call him by his first name despite the deathbed reveal of that being a huge part of the books, hell you can even call him Dom if you want.

Artemis is very upset about the news that his dad has disappeared, even going so far as that old movie trope dropping a glass in shock after receiving upsetting news, and gets angry at the idea that daddy might be a criminal.

Somebody calls the house immediately after the news (Artemis has to dramatically sprint halfway across the house because apparently this enormous manor only has one landline), and lo and behold it’s the kidnapper. The voice (that’s supposed to sound creepy but sounds more like a chronic smoker) reveals they have his father and that Artemis needs to acquire a fairy treasure/weapon called the Aculos (not in the books, entirely made up for the movie) to trade for him. His father tells him down the phone not to get involved, but also tells him the faeries are real which really does send a conflicting message.

Butler then reveals a hidden basement containing daddy’s stolen fairy treasures and explains that the Fowl family have been hiding fairy knowledge for generations. Apparently the hyper-observant Arty Jr never noticed his dad disappearing into an underground bunker at any point in his life.

More exposition between the two characters concludes they should look for his father’s journal for clues. Arty randomly deduces its location will be related to a poem his dad would read to him, and finds it in an unlocked draw.

The journal is an exposition bomb and teaches Arty literally everything about the faeries going forward. The pivotal scene from the novels where Artemis acquires a copy of their Holy Book is gone, he has to do none of the discovery himself.

We then get to see the fairy city Haven, which actually looked pretty cool. A pity we get only the most tenuous look at it for about 5 minutes of screen time.

We meet Holly for the first time on her way to work. More news show exposition (seriously, this movie is like 90% exposition), we learn that the Aculos was stolen from the faeries by Holly’s father (again, new for the movie) who is now thought to be a traitor.

We’re back with Mulch, who’s under arrest and in a chain-gang with other dwarves on his way to prison. He is absolutely a full height normal human, and the rest of the dwarves are played by actors with dwarfism. It’s so hilariously inept listening to them bicker about him being a giant dwarf.

We meet some goblins, who are dressed in hoodies from topman.

Turns out Holly and Mulch know each other and have an amusing rapport. They use this scene to spoonfeed the audience that dwarves are thieves and faeries use high tech weapons.

The mysterious kidnapper is able to let a jailed fairy walk out of prison and resume his job as a police officer in order to spy for him. It is never explained why he was in prison or how she was able to waltz in and remove him, but he turns back up at the police station as a senior commander one scene later and literally nobody bats an eye about this guy being back despite being courtmarshalled.

The police unit Holly belongs to is absolutely full of women, include Judi Dench playing a gender swapped version of Commander Root. Holly’s key storyline of overcoming adversity as the first female officer, one that would have been especially relevant and marketable in today’s social climate? Yeah f*ck that, it’s gone.

Judi Dench gives some more exposition explaining how the dangerous weapon being missing throws the safety and secrecy of their society into jeopardy, but the search efforts feel fairly relaxed.

Back on the surface, Butler needs to call in reinforcements. Apparently that means his twelve year old niece who knows ju jitsu, and not any of his old military connections who could possibly mount a proper defence of the boy or a rescue attempt of daddy. Juliet’s sole contribution to the film after this is delivering sandwiches. I’m not kidding, she delivers one to Artemis and one to Holly, and that’s about it. She’s also not very good at acting.

Artemis can’t find the Aculos but deduces the faeries will help him, despite his father’s journal explaining how he stole it from them in the first place. The journal also mentions a fairy visiting a tree near their house, without any mention of the Ritual they perform there in the books. That’s not a thing in the movie.

The fairy language was apparently encoded by Foaly, despite the language dating back for millenia. We are now introduced to Foaly, who has absolutely none of the wit and charm of the books. He also whinnies like a horse with his human mouth for no reason, it’s hysterical.

Holly is dispatched the surface, because she and Foaly have witty banter. She heads off to stop a troll at a wedding in Italy as she does in the book. She is ordered to remain shielded once she reaches the surface and reminded of the importance of their race staying hidden. Holly doesn’t shield when she arrives and the large pod she flies up isn’t shielded either, and she is clearly seen flying at low altitudes over the heads of humans.

Butler is staking out the oak tree, wearing a ghillie suit over a normal black suit. They have literally zero reason to believe a fairy will be showing up any time soon, but he’s just stood by a tree in facepaint.

Holly arrives at the wedding, literally flying at street level unshielded. She stops the troll and saves a young girl. She uses magic to heal the girl, she is warned against doing this but it is never explained why because faeries can’t run out of magic in this movie and the people are about to have their minds wiped anyway. The writers clearly didn’t give a ****. The faeries stop time and wipe the minds of the 100-ish people at that wedding but don’t bother resetting the furniture the troll destroyed, so when time resumes they’re suddenly surrounded by wreckage. Absolutely nobody at the wedding seems concerned about this.

Holly then goes awol to Ireland to investigate her father’s disappearance.

More journal exposition reveals Artemis Sr was working with Holly’s father to hide the Aculos from the villain, who is revealed to be Opal Koboi from the books. However rather than being charismatic, vain and beautiful, she’s hidden under a bad Nazgul cosplay. They also never bothered adjusting her height either.

Holly arrives at the tree and is kidnapped by Artemis and Butler, despite using her advanced scanners to check the woods. This isn’t like the movies where they hide using fairy shielding, they’re literally stood in the woods wearing camouflage facepaint.

Root freaks out when Holly drops off the map near Fowl manor and orders a full military invasion of the house to protect their secrecy.

Holly wakes up in a cage in the middle of Artemis’ kitchen. Exposition lets us know faeries will attempt mind control unless they wear sunglasses and that reinforcements will come soon. Juliet delivers a sandwich.

Literally hundreds of faeries arrive on the beach outside Fowl Manor and assemble like it’s D-Day while time gets stopped, but not inside the house like would make sense. In one of the best moments of the movie. Judi Dench stands at the door of her ship dressed like a military fairy, looks directly into the camera, and says “top of the mornin” to absolutely nobody. It’s hysterical

The faeries arrive and Artemis decides now is the right time to change into a suit for fighting.

The hundreds of faeries decide to send in a team of about eight with zero cloaking. Artemis and Butler stand right in the open in front of them and the faeries don’t do anything. Artemis and Butler then start shooting with one faery weapon swapping between them (Butler has none of his own guns apparently, not even his trademark massive handgun that gets mentioned repeatedly throughout the books), even fighting them hand to hand in a painfully comedic bad fight scene. Butler inexplicably turns her weapon into a bow & arrow and damages the drone making the time stop. Nobody thinks to replace it with a fresh one, instead the faeries start rushing their plans through. The faeries run away and Arty demands somebody come to negotiate.

Back to daddy and Opal, she outlines her dastardly plan to bring an army to the surface using the Aculos and take over mankind. It’s not exactly clear why she doesn’t bring the to the surface in the same way the army came up about 5 minutes earlier.

Root arrives to negotiate. She seems surprised when he reveals his name is Artemis Fowl despite living in Fowl manor and literally launching a military invasion because it’s Fowl manor. Artemis threatens to expose their existence unless they bring him the treasure he knows they don’t have for some bizarre reason rather than actually just asking for their help as would be sensible. Root leaves with nothing being achieved and ready to destroy the house.

Root decides to have Mulch enter the house because fairies aren’t allowed to. They take him out of prison while he’s inexplicably listening to 80s pop-rock.

Holly and Artemis chat through her cell door after antagonising each other previously. This time they reveal their daddy issues to each other.. Artemis is an idiot and inexplicably reveals his eyes to the woman he kidnapped, and Holly is an idiot who inexplicably doesn’t use that to get herself freed from the kid who kidnapped her. They figure out their dads knew each other and worked together and decide to work together.

Mulch agrees to break into Fowl Manor to rescue Holly after making stupid jokes about David Bowie being a fairy. Instead of Dwarves choosing not to use their magic as in the books, it’s revealed dwarves don’t have magic at all. They keep trying to stress the idea that he’s a giant dwarf as he begins tunnelling. He somehow tunnels into the house midway up a wall that is above ground level. This movie is laughably inept.

It is revealed Artemis needed Mulch to find the safe in the house containing the Aculos. Where was it hidden that a sherlock-grade mastermind couldn’t find it? Behind a f*cking painting.

Artemis inexplicably frees Holly, saying he needs her help but doesn’t actually say what he needs her to do.

Opal’s spy fairy stages a coup against Root which everybody inexplicably goes along with. He sends in the Troll from Italy to murder everybody, shooting it head first through the door, and orders magic in the house to be jammed. They don’t actually show anything happen to cause this, he just says “jam magic” and it happens. The writing just keeps getting lazier, but they’ve shown almost no offensive use for magic so it doesn’t even matter anyway.

Artemis says he “didn’t read much” about Trolls despite his dad teaching him everything about The People for his entire life.

Holly gets her wings stuck in a chandelier as the troll blasts in, not thinking to retract her wings at any point over the next few minutes, which the characters spend being chased by the troll like a scene from Scooby Doo. Juliet uses the phrase “come on then you big meany” at some point. Butler doesn’t get his badass duel with medieval armour like he does in the book, but he does at one point poke it with a sculpture of a bull’s head.

The troll eventually dies after falling less than one story and having the chandelier land on it, despite five minutes earlier being propelled through brick walls at speed and getting up no issue. It crushes Dom on his way down because super genius Artemis didn’t see an issue with standing directly under the large troll dangling from one wire in the ceiling.

We get a tearful goodbye as Dom dies, but there’s been absolutely zero character development throughout this movie so you really don’t care.

One of the faeries realises they’re morons for going along with a coup and orders that magic be unblocked. Once again nothing happens but the magic gets unblocked anyway. Holly gets a notification on her Apple Watch and immediately resurrects Butler after he tranquilised her and abducted her.

One of the faeries says “five more minutes and we’re going in” despite the whole reason for everything that’s happened in the last twenty minutes being because they can’t go in. The time freeze collapses and all the faeries leave without giving a thought to the house full of human witnesses being left behind. There’s no mention of the biological weapon they use as a last-resort in the books because of how important it is that humans don’t find out. The entire fleet of large troop carriers once again flies back along the Irish coast completely uncloaked.

Notorious thief Mulch Diggums, having got hold of the priceless artifact in the chaos, happily gives it back to the human child he doesn’t know when asked politely if he has it. Artemis is shown holding the Aculos despite being warned by Holly it would kill him about 20 minutes earlier.

Holly comes back to use the Aculos to teleport Artemis Sr back to the house, because she Artemis are now, and I quote, “forever friends”. Opal Koboi, having made zero effort to contact Artemis Jr and make the exchange, decides he’s failed and to just kill the father. He is teleported back to the house just in time by uttering a basic fairy parable that makes no sense in the context of this spell (it’s the “carry me always” poem from the first page of The Book). So basically the genius supervillain asked him to give her an object that he could use to get the hostage back with zero risk or repercussions, f*cking genius.

Arty and daddy are reunited, and Artemis calls Koboi on a number he was never given and calls himself a “criminal mastermind” despite only having performed one fairly crap abduction. Artemis Sr meets Holly, tells her that her father was a great “man” and gives her a list of Opal’s conspirators that her dad gave him before he died, that he apparently cannot pronounce despite having recorded the fairy language in enough detail for his son to be able to learn it in one afternoon. Holly and Artemis leave as bestest friends

Holly returns back to the faeries as a hero for returning the Aculos, despite causing an immense loss of resources and putting lives and their secrecy at risk with her insubordination. She even gets her own team to investigate Koboi. There is zero talk about returning to the surface to perform a memory wipe on the Fowls knowing they are more than willing to expose their existence.

We then go back to Mulch being interrogated, where he reveals Artemis asked him to reveal the faerie’s existence to humans and outline everything that happened, the exact thing Holly and the other faeries have been desperately trying to stop happening for centuries. Mulch apparently has no issue with doing this, even unhinging his jaw and showing his pointy ears as undeniable proof to British Intelligence. Mulch says it’s a warning to leave the Fowls alone. Artemis then breaks Mulch out of the cell and they fly off in a helicopter, with Holly flying alongside. So basically Artemis destroyed the faerie’s secrecy and they don’t seem to care, and deliberately incriminated himself with the people who could arrest him and his father, but they don’t seem to care either. Movie ends.
Last edited by Gofre; 9 months ago
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Jonah Ramone
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(Original post by Gofre)
I've just subjected myself to a second watch of this movie, this time taking notes of all the dumb sh*t that happens for anyone interested enough to read about it but not waste a full ninety minutes of their lives;


Spoiler:
Show
The movie takes exactly 11 seconds to start throwing exposition at you, and pretty much never stops.

30 seconds in you get the trope from early-2000s action movies where the name of a building appears in subtitles as it pans in from a distance, showing that the big house is Fowl Manor in Ireland, something that absolutely nobody over the age of 5 would need spoonfeeding to them.

We now get a solid ninety seconds of another overused trope from early 00s films- montages of new crews reeling off huge amounts of exposition so that the film doesn’t actually need to put any effort into revealing this stuff to you creatively.

Artemis Fowl Sr is now an antiquities thief, not the head of a criminal organisation.

The first burst-out-laughing moment: Mulch Diggums is a full sized human. The movie justifies this by saying he’s a dwarf that suffers from gigantism, it’s the laziest sh*t I’ve ever seen a movie try and pull off to avoid inflating the special effects budget. The movie also starts with him being arrested at Fowl Manor by human police.

Time for another early-00s movie trope (complete with the location being spelled out with subtitles again), using an interrogation scene to spew out even more exposition.

Mulch Diggums speaks with an American accent and a gruff Batman voice.

Mulch starts spilling the existence of faeries and the events at Fowl Manor to humans. It’s absolutely baffling that they thought this was a good idea for the story when the necessity for secrecy is overwhelmingly important to the faeries throughout the entire story and the key driver behind most of their activities. We now flash back a few days for the rest of the movie to start.

Mulch begins his story about Artemis Fowl II, talking about how much he loves Ireland while showing him surfing. Surfing. It is at this point, about seven seconds after he is first introduced, that any hopes of an accurate portrayal of the character should be well and truly purged from any book fan’s mind.

Artemis attends a regular comprehensive school, and is described as “unusual” but a child prodigy with more exposition.

He talks with a psychologist harkening to a scene from book 2, time for yet another avenue to deliver exposition (we are less than 6 minutes in at this point). The psychologist feels the need to remind him that his mother is dead (yep, they kill off his mother, one of the most important elements of the first novel when it comes to Artemis’ behaviour and motivation), talks condescendingly to him about not respecting people at the school he’s obviously not suited for, then gets grumpy when a 12 year old is mean to him. It also lets Artemis show off Sherlock-level deduction skills.

It’s mean to pick on child actors, but you can immediately tell the kid playing Artemis isn’t very good. I cannot believe there were no better options to play him, even if they wanted to stick to native Irish kids.

Artemis is now skating back to the Manor on a hoverboard. At one point he pulls off a painfully fake “big air” that wouldn’t have been less believable if they left the strings in. They also forgot to edit out the straps of the helmet he’s wearing under his beanie hat (Artemis’ clothes are from Kid’s Gap for most of the film, his trademark suits are apparently only for fighting in).

Exposition tells us that there’s nothing Artemis likes more than spending time with his dad (an antiques dealer now), who is waiting for him at home. They’ve scrapped the strained relationship and mysterious disappearance that prompts Artemis to take control of the family business, he’s now just a rich kid who really loves his daddy.

Artemis I teaches Artemis II about the faeries non-stop, like absolutely every scene is him teaching him new stuff or quizzing him. Artemis II doesn’t believe they’re real, and yet this kid who doesn’t respect anyone of lesser intelligence than himself apparently has no issue with his dad talking incessantly about fairy tales with enough conviction to make anyone think they were suffering from mental delusions, and his happy to indulge him at any opportunity.

Daddy goes away on business trips a lot, which makes little Arty sad. All he wants is to believe in his dad and go on business trips with him, which is trying to be emotional but it’s so painfully wooden.

Daddy flies off on his helicopter on another trip. The next morning Artemis wakes up (in a room full of Lego, kill me now) to see news reports that his father has gone missing (apparently antiques dealers going missing is international news now) playing on a tiny TV randomly set up in the middle of the kitchen. The news has also inexplicably found out that he’s an art thief, at no point is it explained how that was figured out.

We’re introduced to Butler, you can tell he’s a badass because he carries a big kendo stick. They scrapped the cool backstory about the family tradition of becoming bodyguards and training at an enigmatic academy for Personal Protection. You’re also allowed to call him by his first name despite the deathbed reveal of that being a huge part of the books, hell you can even call him Dom if you want.

Artemis is very upset about the news that his dad has disappeared, even going so far as that old movie trope dropping a glass in shock after receiving upsetting news, and gets angry at the idea that daddy might be a criminal.

Somebody calls the house immediately after the news (Artemis has to dramatically sprint halfway across the house because apparently this enormous manor only has one landline), and lo and behold it’s the kidnapper. The voice (that’s supposed to sound creepy but sounds more like a chronic smoker) reveals they have his father and that Artemis needs to acquire a fairy treasure/weapon called the Aculos (not in the books, entirely made up for the movie) to trade for him. His father tells him down the phone not to get involved, but also tells him the faeries are real which really does send a conflicting message.

Butler then reveals a hidden basement containing daddy’s stolen fairy treasures and explains that the Fowl family have been hiding fairy knowledge for generations. Apparently the hyper-observant Arty Jr never noticed his dad disappearing into an underground bunker at any point in his life.

More exposition between the two characters concludes they should look for his father’s journal for clues. Arty randomly deduces its location will be related to a poem his dad would read to him, and finds it in an unlocked draw.

The journal is an exposition bomb and teaches Arty literally everything about the faeries going forward. The pivotal scene from the novels where Artemis acquires a copy of their Holy Book is gone, he has to do none of the discovery himself.

We then get to see the fairy city Haven, which actually looked pretty cool. A pity we get only the most tenuous look at it for about 5 minutes of screen time.

We meet Holly for the first time on her way to work. More news show exposition (seriously, this movie is like 90% exposition), we learn that the Aculos was stolen from the faeries by Holly’s father (again, new for the movie) who is now thought to be a traitor.

We’re back with Mulch, who’s under arrest and in a chain-gang with other dwarves on his way to prison. He is absolutely a full height normal human, and the rest of the dwarves are played by actors with dwarfism. It’s so hilariously inept listening to them bicker about him being a giant dwarf.

We meet some goblins, who are dressed in hoodies from topman.

Turns out Holly and Mulch know each other and have an amusing rapport. They use this scene to spoonfeed the audience that dwarves are thieves and faeries use high tech weapons.

The mysterious kidnapper is able to let a jailed fairy walk out of prison and resume his job as a police officer in order to spy for him. It is never explained why he was in prison or how she was able to waltz in and remove him, but he turns back up at the police station as a senior commander one scene later and literally nobody bats an eye about this guy being back despite being courtmarshalled.

The police unit Holly belongs to is absolutely full of women, include Judi Dench playing a gender swapped version of Commander Root. Holly’s key storyline of overcoming adversity as the first female officer, one that would have been especially relevant and marketable in today’s social climate? Yeah f*ck that, it’s gone.

Judi Dench gives some more exposition explaining how the dangerous weapon being missing throws the safety and secrecy of their society into jeopardy, but the search efforts feel fairly relaxed.

Back on the surface, Butler needs to call in reinforcements. Apparently that means his twelve year old niece who knows ju jitsu, and not any of his old military connections who could possibly mount a proper defence of the boy or a rescue attempt of daddy. Juliet’s sole contribution to the film after this is delivering sandwiches. I’m not kidding, she delivers one to Artemis and one to Holly, and that’s about it. She’s also not very good at acting.

Artemis can’t find the Aculos but deduces the faeries will help him, despite his father’s journal explaining how he stole it from them in the first place. The journal also mentions a fairy visiting a tree near their house, without any mention of the Ritual they perform there in the books. That’s not a thing in the movie.

The fairy language was apparently encoded by Foaly, despite the language dating back for millenia. We are now introduced to Foaly, who has absolutely none of the wit and charm of the books. He also whinnies like a horse with his human mouth for no reason, it’s hysterical.

Holly is dispatched the surface, because she and Foaly have witty banter. She heads off to stop a troll at a wedding in Italy as she does in the book. She is ordered to remain shielded once she reaches the surface and reminded of the importance of their race staying hidden. Holly doesn’t shield when she arrives and the large pod she flies up isn’t shielded either, and she is clearly seen flying at low altitudes over the heads of humans.

Butler is staking out the oak tree, wearing a ghillie suit over a normal black suit. They have literally zero reason to believe a fairy will be showing up any time soon, but he’s just stood by a tree in facepaint.

Holly arrives at the wedding, literally flying at street level unshielded. She stops the troll and saves a young girl. She uses magic to heal the girl, she is warned against doing this but it is never explained why because faeries can’t run out of magic in this movie and the people are about to have their minds wiped anyway. The writers clearly didn’t give a ****. The faeries stop time and wipe the minds of the 100-ish people at that wedding but don’t bother resetting the furniture the troll destroyed, so when time resumes they’re suddenly surrounded by wreckage. Absolutely nobody at the wedding seems concerned about this.

Holly then goes awol to Ireland to investigate her father’s disappearance.

More journal exposition reveals Artemis Sr was working with Holly’s father to hide the Aculos from the villain, who is revealed to be Opal Koboi from the books. However rather than being charismatic, vain and beautiful, she’s hidden under a bad Nazgul cosplay. They also never bothered adjusting her height either.

Holly arrives at the tree and is kidnapped by Artemis and Butler, despite using her advanced scanners to check the woods. This isn’t like the movies where they hide using fairy shielding, they’re literally stood in the woods wearing camouflage facepaint.

Root freaks out when Holly drops off the map near Fowl manor and orders a full military invasion of the house to protect their secrecy.

Holly wakes up in a cage in the middle of Artemis’ kitchen. Exposition lets us know faeries will attempt mind control unless they wear sunglasses and that reinforcements will come soon. Juliet delivers a sandwich.

Literally hundreds of faeries arrive on the beach outside Fowl Manor and assemble like it’s D-Day while time gets stopped, but not inside the house like would make sense. In one of the best moments of the movie. Judi Dench stands at the door of her ship dressed like a military fairy, looks directly into the camera, and says “top of the mornin” to absolutely nobody. It’s hysterical

The faeries arrive and Artemis decides now is the right time to change into a suit for fighting.

The hundreds of faeries decide to send in a team of about eight with zero cloaking. Artemis and Butler stand right in the open in front of them and the faeries don’t do anything. Artemis and Butler then start shooting with one faery weapon swapping between them (Butler has none of his own guns apparently, not even his trademark massive handgun that gets mentioned repeatedly throughout the books), even fighting them hand to hand in a painfully comedic bad fight scene. Butler inexplicably turns her weapon into a bow & arrow and damages the drone making the time stop. Nobody thinks to replace it with a fresh one, instead the faeries start rushing their plans through. The faeries run away and Arty demands somebody come to negotiate.

Back to daddy and Opal, she outlines her dastardly plan to bring an army to the surface using the Aculos and take over mankind. It’s not exactly clear why she doesn’t bring the to the surface in the same way the army came up about 5 minutes earlier.

Root arrives to negotiate. She seems surprised when he reveals his name is Artemis Fowl despite living in Fowl manor and literally launching a military invasion because it’s Fowl manor. Artemis threatens to expose their existence unless they bring him the treasure he knows they don’t have for some bizarre reason rather than actually just asking for their help as would be sensible. Root leaves with nothing being achieved and ready to destroy the house.

Root decides to have Mulch enter the house because fairies aren’t allowed to. They take him out of prison while he’s inexplicably listening to 80s pop-rock.

Holly and Artemis chat through her cell door after antagonising each other previously. This time they reveal their daddy issues to each other.. Artemis is an idiot and inexplicably reveals his eyes to the woman he kidnapped, and Holly is an idiot who inexplicably doesn’t use that to get herself freed from the kid who kidnapped her. They figure out their dads knew each other and worked together and decide to work together.

Mulch agrees to break into Fowl Manor to rescue Holly after making stupid jokes about David Bowie being a fairy. Instead of Dwarves choosing not to use their magic as in the books, it’s revealed dwarves don’t have magic at all. They keep trying to stress the idea that he’s a giant dwarf as he begins tunnelling. He somehow tunnels into the house midway up a wall that is above ground level. This movie is laughably inept.

It is revealed Artemis needed Mulch to find the safe in the house containing the Aculos. Where was it hidden that a sherlock-grade mastermind couldn’t find it? Behind a f*cking painting.

Artemis inexplicably frees Holly, saying he needs her help but doesn’t actually say what he needs her to do.

Opal’s spy fairy stages a coup against Root which everybody inexplicably goes along with. He sends in the Troll from Italy to murder everybody, shooting it head first through the door, and orders magic in the house to be jammed. They don’t actually show anything happen to cause this, he just says “jam magic” and it happens. The writing just keeps getting lazier, but they’ve shown almost no offensive use for magic so it doesn’t even matter anyway.

Artemis says he “didn’t read much” about Trolls despite his dad teaching him everything about The People for his entire life.

Holly gets her wings stuck in a chandelier as the troll blasts in, not thinking to retract her wings at any point over the next few minutes, which the characters spend being chased by the troll like a scene from Scooby Doo. Juliet uses the phrase “come on then you big meany” at some point. Butler doesn’t get his badass duel with medieval armour like he does in the book, but he does at one point poke it with a sculpture of a bull’s head.

The troll eventually dies after falling less than one story and having the chandelier land on it, despite five minutes earlier being propelled through brick walls at speed and getting up no issue. It crushes Dom on his way down because super genius Artemis didn’t see an issue with standing directly under the large troll dangling from one wire in the ceiling.

We get a tearful goodbye as Dom dies, but there’s been absolutely zero character development throughout this movie so you really don’t care.

One of the faeries realises they’re morons for going along with a coup and orders that magic be unblocked. Once again nothing happens but the magic gets unblocked anyway. Holly gets a notification on her Apple Watch and immediately resurrects Butler after he tranquilised her and abducted her.

One of the faeries says “five more minutes and we’re going in” despite the whole reason for everything that’s happened in the last twenty minutes being because they can’t go in. The time freeze collapses and all the faeries leave without giving a thought to the house full of human witnesses being left behind. There’s no mention of the biological weapon they use as a last-resort in the books because of how important it is that humans don’t find out. The entire fleet of large troop carriers once again flies back along the Irish coast completely uncloaked.

Notorious thief Mulch Diggums, having got hold of the priceless artifact in the chaos, happily gives it back to the human child he doesn’t know when asked politely if he has it. Artemis is shown holding the Aculos despite being warned by Holly it would kill him about 20 minutes earlier.

Holly comes back to use the Aculos to teleport Artemis Sr back to the house, because she Artemis are now, and I quote, “forever friends”. Opal Koboi, having made zero effort to contact Artemis Jr and make the exchange, decides he’s failed and to just kill the father. He is teleported back to the house just in time by uttering a basic fairy parable that makes no sense in the context of this spell (it’s the “carry me always” poem from the first page of The Book). So basically the genius supervillain asked him to give her an object that he could use to get the hostage back with zero risk or repercussions, f*cking genius.

Arty and daddy are reunited, and Artemis calls Koboi on a number he was never given and calls himself a “criminal mastermind” despite only having performed one fairly crap abduction. Artemis Sr meets Holly, tells her that her father was a great “man” and gives her a list of Opal’s conspirators that her dad gave him before he died, that he apparently cannot pronounce despite having recorded the fairy language in enough detail for his son to be able to learn it in one afternoon. Holly and Artemis leave as bestest friends

Holly returns back to the faeries as a hero for returning the Aculos, despite causing an immense loss of resources and putting lives and their secrecy at risk with her insubordination. She even gets her own team to investigate Koboi. There is zero talk about returning to the surface to perform a memory wipe on the Fowls knowing they are more than willing to expose their existence.

We then go back to Mulch being interrogated, where he reveals Artemis asked him to reveal the faerie’s existence to humans and outline everything that happened, the exact thing Holly and the other faeries have been desperately trying to stop happening for centuries. Mulch apparently has no issue with doing this, even unhinging his jaw and showing his pointy ears as undeniable proof to British Intelligence. Mulch says it’s a warning to leave the Fowls alone. Artemis then breaks Mulch out of the cell and they fly off in a helicopter, with Holly flying alongside. So basically Artemis destroyed the faerie’s secrecy and they don’t seem to care, and deliberately incriminated himself with the people who could arrest him and his father, but they don’t seem to care either. Movie ends.
You would be excellent at Cinema Sins.
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Gofre
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#17
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#17
(Original post by Jonah Ramone)
You would be excellent at Cinema Sins.
This movie just makes it far too easy.
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