My physical appearance is destroying my self esteem

Please keep anonymous cause I know some people on this site and have difficulties talking about this to people I know...

Over the past year my self esteem has really been taking a blow... Never mind the fact I am academically successful guy and I get on with people pretty easily, or that I'm an empathic friend and family member who never argues or fights.

I just really, really hate the way I look.

Medically I'm not even overweight at all, over the past 1.5 years I have dramatically improved my eating habits and have been regularly exercising more than pretty much all of my mates, I wear pretty fashionable stuff now and I make sure my hair doesn't look so messy, dropped the glasses, etc. But I have a bit of a belly, some love handles and no glaringly obvious muscles. I'm 6'1 and have quite a big figure, i.e. the sort of guy who should play rugby (incidentally I prefer to play volleyball ).

I have tried everything to convince myself it's fine. Everything from 'it's genetic, you're designed to be a big rugby-player guy' to 'you feel incredibly healthy anyway so why worry?' to 'people aren't as superficial as you think' etc.

But every time I look in a mirror I just can't help but wonder why I'd ever be physically attractive to anyone. For example, I love dancing (and I don't look like an idiot in clubs) but the only two worries I have whenever I go are: "Oh no, what if I go overboard on the alcohol and have one too many calories?" and "I look like a ridiculous whale when I dance, why should I even bother?"

I just want self-esteem. I want to know how it feels like to be comfortable with your body. I want to secure myself that I am attractive enough to get a partner in the future, or reasonably attractive enough to fool around with other people at university. I want to know what it feels like to walk past a reflecting surface without thinking "I can't believe how unattractive you are".

Sorry for the long rant and I know this thread probably pales in comparison to the other issues in H&R, it's just that my friends and family really don't know how much I'm struggling with this and I find it embarrassing to talk about. I just really need some advice on what I can or should be doing to restore my self-esteem - I'm probably missing out on the obvious things as well.

What are love handles? Don't make fun of my naivety please Anyway.. you sound fine to me, both of the guys I've had crushes on recently have been of a rugby-type build rather than skinny as a stick! I felt protected being hugged by them

layers of fat around your tummy which you can hold.

if it really is such a problem, you can almost certainly lose some of the blubber.

Who cares about calories when drinking alcohol?

That's just not the point of it.

Yeah I am definitely trying right now, trust me, it's just that it's a really slow process for me for some reason

If it's of any use though... I'm actually gay sooo I don't think I get to benefit from the whole 'women are more accepting' bonus. I feel I'm stuck with the total opposite. Gay men just scare me, they all seem ridiculously superficial about it all, sometimes I feel really stupid when I try to fantasise or watch pornography because I feel like I'll never even get to look like the typical young gay man (ie really toned, nice skin, etc).
Thanks for the advice anyway everyone - I really appreciate it


Yeah, I know