Gay and back-to-frontWatch
This is super personal so I can't really believe I'm writing about it online but I guess maybe that's why... because I can't talk to the people closest to me and at least here, it can be anonymised.
I came out about 10 and a half years ago (I'm 21, almost 22) and at the time, I never really struggled with accepting my queerness. Or at least I didn't feel that I had. Maybe I always had but it was just too risky for me to ever feel that let alone show it; I was heavily bullied and abused by a range of people around me and my family didn't take it well at the time. If I showed myself to be struggling then I would be vulnerable. I also feel as though I just didn't have the time to 'feel' anything other than an innate need to be defensive and to protect myself. So, I guess I just never really went down that rabbit hole.
Now, almost 22 and about to start studying for my PhD, I'm starting to crash. I've had long-term boyfriends, one that I even lived with for almost two years, and I've had my fair share of hook-ups or flings with other men. I never felt ashamed - I always loved being around other men and being intimate with them. However, now I struggle to have sex with another guy or to reach orgasm if I can at least start. I feel so dirty and I don't respond to friends making comments about guys or light-hearted gay jokes that I would have always loved and found funny. Everything's changing and I don't know how to cope with it.
A few weeks ago, I was sexually assaulted by two men on two separate occasions and I noticed it getting worse after that. I'm tired of fighting or of worrying about how I'm being perceived. I just wish it wasn't who I was anymore.
I guess the purpose behind writing this was to ask if anybody out there has been through something similar, or is going through this too? I've never come across another LGBTQ person who has said they feel this way, at least not this way around.