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I still love my ex-boyfriend even though he sexually assaulted me

This post is a long one but I’m feeling so unhappy and unstable about this all:

2 weeks ago, my ex-boyfriend, knowing I was under the influence of alcohol, kept on begging and begging me to perform oral sex, despite me saying no and that I was drunk and I don’t know what’s going on.

I feel terrible because eventually I agreed to do it even though I didn’t want to. He just kept begging me to do it and pushed my head closer.

At the time I recognised this was wrong and reported it and was all for getting the worst punishment for him, which is getting him kicked out of uni.

However, I started to feel upset because he blocked me from his life completely after this happened so I spoke to him about it and he accused me of being mental and a liar. He is extremely manipulative and it’s working because now I feel even worse and don’t want to take the complaint I made against him any further.

Instead I still feel love and care towards him and just want him to be sorry but he isn’t because he denies it ever happened. I feel so depressed and I cannot do anything about how I’m feeling. It’s a constant crushing feeling all the time and I cannot cope.

All I want to do is talk to him.

Does anyone have any advice?
Don’t speak to him and get a sti check if he did it then he’ll do it again. Imagine who else he assaulted - he was more likely cheating on you ( I know from experience) so high chances he didn’t even care about you if he tried something like that!

My best friend who’s female was assaulted similar to you, on nye and she contracted a sti from it and it was also he first time doing anything like that but she was too scared to report him so I did it for her and he is now on the sex register
Get screened you might have a std like above said. Do not ever speak to him again honestly hun you’re better than that!
He will do it again I’m sorry you went through something like that but please don’t trust him, he knows exactly what he did something happened to me but I’m Male and a female pressured me into sex and I’m under psychological help now and have been visiting every 5-7 days because of her as I just wanted to end my life.

Please stop all contact and remove him from everything the first 2 weeks will be hard but you’ll soon forget about him. Join a dating app and search for someone else
Okay, first of all I’m not a mental health advocate or professional but I 100% feel that you need to talk to a professional about all this. They can help you dissect everything and find where your head is at if this is weighing on you so much. If this is left on your mind it will eat you up, please seek some help, you said yourself you feel “unhappy and unstable” about it all.

He shouldn’t have done what he done 100% if he knew you were drunk. But how can you not know what’s going on but still know he wanted you to perform oral and know you told him “no”? To me it seems like you were drunk but did know what was happening and didn’t want to do oral, hence why you said “no” all whilst being aware that you were in a vulnerable state but unable to do anything about it (please tell me if I’m way off base, I’m just trying to understand what happened and where your mind could be at).

Because you protested it but then agreed - he might be confused if you start saying he forced you which might be where he’s finding a reason to deny this and call you crazy etc. I’m 100% not defending him because he shouldn’t have forced your head towards him or even tried anything while you were drunk - that’s unacceptable. But for your own headspace it might help to understand where he’s coming from because you seem to want to talk and make things amicable.

However, “just wanting to talk” to him about it might be unreasonable because if he doesn’t understand that he’s done wrong then why would you want to talk to some who might get you kicked out of uni? Which relates to him blocking you etc.

I get that you now have this sense of guilt and doubt for reporting him but he was forceful upon you when you were in a vulnerable state so he definitely is in the wrong here. (Again tell me if I’m off base with how you are thinking/feeling).

Only you can decide how far to take your complaint, after all it’s you it happened to and only you can decide where to go from here, but weigh up your options, maybe talk to a friend or someone close to you that knows the situation a bit better for advice.

I think this has ruined whatever relationship you both had, even if you still care for him and want to forgive his actions, I don’t think he will forget you reporting him because he can’t see what he has done. That’s his issue, not yours.

Honestly, any guy that would even try anything with you while you are drunk ain’t the right guy for you.

You need to talk all this out with a professional before you get consumed with it all, even if it’s just to straighten out your head and work through your feelings for him etc. please talk to someone.

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