Nivethaa Sri
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Hello,
Regarding the A level biology Essay Im writing lots of essays but the feedback I get is not at all constructive.While my teacher at school says they are horrible my tutor outside school says they're fine.Im confused as to what to do now.Would anyone please have a read of my essays and tell me exactly how I'm doing? or how I could mark my own essays ( I always find that I'm too lenient or harsh on myself )
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Reality Check
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(Original post by Nivethaa Sri)
Hello,
Regarding the A level biology Essay Im writing lots of essays but the feedback I get is not at all constructive.While my teacher at school says they are horrible my tutor outside school says they're fine.Im confused as to what to do now.Would anyone please have a read of my essays and tell me exactly how I'm doing? or how I could mark my own essays ( I always find that I'm too lenient or harsh on myself )
Post something up. Using a MS is a skill, and you have to be rigorous in its application.
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Nivethaa Sri
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(Original post by Reality Check)
Post something up. Using a MS is a skill, and you have to be rigorous in its application.
Thank you,

student room won't let me attach files for some reason, would it be okay if I type it up?
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Reality Check
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(Original post by Nivethaa Sri)
Thank you,

student room won't let me attach files for some reason, would it be okay if I type it up?
yes, that would probably be better actually. Don't forget to include the question.
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Nivethaa Sri
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(Original post by Reality Check)
Post something up. Using a MS is a skill, and you have to be rigorous in its application.
the importance of transfers of substances within organisms and between organisms.

the importance of transfer of nitrogen containing compounds between plants and bacteria and their soil dense environment is highlighted in the nitrogen cycle.In the nitrogen cycle we find a unique symbiotic relationship between leguminous plants and rhizobium bacteria, where rhizobium resides in the nodules of leguminous plants and facilitates nitrogen fixation by converting the 78% of nitrogen gas in the air into ammonia.This mutualistic relationship between organisms rhizobium and plants allow the transfer of ammonia from the bacteria in the environment to the external soil environment.In the soil, bacterium such like nitrobacta and nitrosomonous convert ammonia to nitrites and nitrates that can be uptakes by plants as assimilates.

The importance of transfer of ammonia between plants, bacteria and soil is highlighted by the use of assimilates containing nitrogen compounds.Without these assimilates, the plant root pressure can't be maintained as these ions can't firstly actively transport and pump nitrate/nitrite ions into their root cortex via carrier proteins from a low concentration gradient of ions to a high concentration gradient of ions in the cortex, and secondly as a result water can't diffuse in via osmosis across a water potential gradient of less negative outside the root cortex and more negative inside the root cortex.As a result, the root pressure is less efficiently maintained and less water would be uptakes in the transpiration stream. Water which is imperative in photolysis of water ( as chlorophyll (primary pigment ) which absorbs wavelength 680nm and splits water by photolysis) into 2H+, 2e- and 1/2 O2 would be inefficient . If photolysis doesn't occur the e- in the electron transport chain of photosynthesis can't be replaced and as a result red.NADPH can't be effectively produced to reduce GP into TP or ATP won't be produced as e- move through the e- transport chain to allow H+ to be pumped in. Essentially with less TP, glucose can't be formed ( indirectly from nitrate ion) and without nitrogen compounds, in a direct link plant amino acids and DNA nucleotides can't effectively be synthesised. Without these nutrients the plant biomass and growth would stunt and the plant could wither, thus this could even be fatal for large climax communities where organism are interdependent on autotrophic primary producers.Thus this highlights the importance of transfer of substances between plant, bacteria and the environment, the substance in this case being nitrogen gas and its aforementioned constituents.

this would be like 'one paragraph' of the 4 that I write for each essay title.
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A Rolling Stone
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(Original post by Nivethaa Sri)
the importance of transfers of substances within organisms and between organisms.

the importance of transfer of nitrogen containing compounds between plants and bacteria and their soil dense environment is highlighted in the nitrogen cycle.In the nitrogen cycle we find a unique symbiotic relationship between leguminous plants and rhizobium bacteria, where rhizobium resides in the nodules of leguminous plants and facilitates nitrogen fixation by converting the 78% of nitrogen gas in the air into ammonia.This mutualistic relationship between organisms rhizobium and plants allow the transfer of ammonia from the bacteria in the environment to the external soil environment.In the soil, bacterium such like nitrobacta and nitrosomonous convert ammonia to nitrites and nitrates that can be uptakes by plants as assimilates.

The importance of transfer of ammonia between plants, bacteria and soil is highlighted by the use of assimilates containing nitrogen compounds.Without these assimilates, the plant root pressure can't be maintained as these ions can't firstly actively transport and pump nitrate/nitrite ions into their root cortex via carrier proteins from a low concentration gradient of ions to a high concentration gradient of ions in the cortex, and secondly as a result water can't diffuse in via osmosis across a water potential gradient of less negative outside the root cortex and more negative inside the root cortex.As a result, the root pressure is less efficiently maintained and less water would be uptakes in the transpiration stream. Water which is imperative in photolysis of water ( as chlorophyll (primary pigment ) which absorbs wavelength 680nm and splits water by photolysis) into 2H+, 2e- and 1/2 O2 would be inefficient . If photolysis doesn't occur the e- in the electron transport chain of photosynthesis can't be replaced and as a result red.NADPH can't be effectively produced to reduce GP into TP or ATP won't be produced as e- move through the e- transport chain to allow H+ to be pumped in. Essentially with less TP, glucose can't be formed ( indirectly from nitrate ion) and without nitrogen compounds, in a direct link plant amino acids and DNA nucleotides can't effectively be synthesised. Without these nutrients the plant biomass and growth would stunt and the plant could wither, thus this could even be fatal for large climax communities where organism are interdependent on autotrophic primary producers.Thus this highlights the importance of transfer of substances between plant, bacteria and the environment, the substance in this case being nitrogen gas and its aforementioned constituents.

this would be like 'one paragraph' of the 4 that I write for each essay title.
you need to use far more direct language and give background to each point

what do you mean by importance?
what does highlighted mean of scientific interest?
what is the benefit to the bacteria and what is the benefit to the plants?
does the reader know the importance of ammonia?
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Reality Check
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(Original post by Nivethaa Sri)
the importance of transfers of substances within organisms and between organisms.

the importance of transfer of nitrogen containing compounds between plants and bacteria and their soil dense environment is highlighted in the nitrogen cycle.In the nitrogen cycle we find a unique symbiotic relationship between leguminous plants and rhizobium bacteria, where rhizobium resides in the nodules of leguminous plants and facilitates nitrogen fixation by converting the 78% of nitrogen gas in the air into ammonia.This mutualistic relationship between organisms rhizobium and plants allow the transfer of ammonia from the bacteria in the environment to the external soil environment.In the soil, bacterium such like nitrobacta and nitrosomonous convert ammonia to nitrites and nitrates that can be uptakes by plants as assimilates.

The importance of transfer of ammonia between plants, bacteria and soil is highlighted by the use of assimilates containing nitrogen compounds.Without these assimilates, the plant root pressure can't be maintained as these ions can't firstly actively transport and pump nitrate/nitrite ions into their root cortex via carrier proteins from a low concentration gradient of ions to a high concentration gradient of ions in the cortex, and secondly as a result water can't diffuse in via osmosis across a water potential gradient of less negative outside the root cortex and more negative inside the root cortex.As a result, the root pressure is less efficiently maintained and less water would be uptakes in the transpiration stream. Water which is imperative in photolysis of water ( as chlorophyll (primary pigment ) which absorbs wavelength 680nm and splits water by photolysis) into 2H+, 2e- and 1/2 O2 would be inefficient . If photolysis doesn't occur the e- in the electron transport chain of photosynthesis can't be replaced and as a result red.NADPH can't be effectively produced to reduce GP into TP or ATP won't be produced as e- move through the e- transport chain to allow H+ to be pumped in. Essentially with less TP, glucose can't be formed ( indirectly from nitrate ion) and without nitrogen compounds, in a direct link plant amino acids and DNA nucleotides can't effectively be synthesised. Without these nutrients the plant biomass and growth would stunt and the plant could wither, thus this could even be fatal for large climax communities where organism are interdependent on autotrophic primary producers.Thus this highlights the importance of transfer of substances between plant, bacteria and the environment, the substance in this case being nitrogen gas and its aforementioned constituents.

this would be like 'one paragraph' of the 4 that I write for each essay title.
Can you please post the question, exactly as written. Is this taken from an old examination paper, or a question set by your teacher?
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Nivethaa Sri
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(Original post by Reality Check)
Can you please post the question, exactly as written. Is this taken from an old examination paper, or a question set by your teacher?
It was from a past paper ( but my teacher changed the title slightly ) so its 2014,
10b) How is energy transferred within and between organisms?
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(Original post by Nivethaa Sri)
It was from a past paper ( but my teacher changed the title slightly ) so its 2014,
10b) How is energy transferred within and between organisms?
Thanks - yes, so your teacher has widened it from 'energy' to substances more generally.
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Nivethaa Sri
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(Original post by A Rolling Stone)
you need to use far more direct language and give background to each point

what do you mean by importance?
what does highlighted mean of scientific interest?
what is the benefit to the bacteria and what is the benefit to the plants?
does the reader know the importance of ammonia?
okay, yeah I kinda get you.. thank you ( the reader is an examiner in this case though- can't I assume that they'd know )
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(Original post by Nivethaa Sri)
the importance of transfers of substances within organisms and between organisms.

the importance of transfer of nitrogen containing compounds between plants and bacteria and their soil dense environment is highlighted in the nitrogen cycle.In the nitrogen cycle we find a unique symbiotic relationship between leguminous plants and rhizobium bacteria, where rhizobium resides in the nodules of leguminous plants and facilitates nitrogen fixation by converting the 78% of nitrogen gas in the air into ammonia.This mutualistic relationship between organisms rhizobium and plants allow the transfer of ammonia from the bacteria in the environment to the external soil environment.In the soil, bacterium such like nitrobacta and nitrosomonous convert ammonia to nitrites and nitrates that can be uptakes by plants as assimilates.

The importance of transfer of ammonia between plants, bacteria and soil is highlighted by the use of assimilates containing nitrogen compounds.Without these assimilates, the plant root pressure can't be maintained as these ions can't firstly actively transport and pump nitrate/nitrite ions into their root cortex via carrier proteins from a low concentration gradient of ions to a high concentration gradient of ions in the cortex, and secondly as a result water can't diffuse in via osmosis across a water potential gradient of less negative outside the root cortex and more negative inside the root cortex.As a result, the root pressure is less efficiently maintained and less water would be uptakes in the transpiration stream. Water which is imperative in photolysis of water ( as chlorophyll (primary pigment ) which absorbs wavelength 680nm and splits water by photolysis) into 2H+, 2e- and 1/2 O2 would be inefficient . If photolysis doesn't occur the e- in the electron transport chain of photosynthesis can't be replaced and as a result red.NADPH can't be effectively produced to reduce GP into TP or ATP won't be produced as e- move through the e- transport chain to allow H+ to be pumped in. Essentially with less TP, glucose can't be formed ( indirectly from nitrate ion) and without nitrogen compounds, in a direct link plant amino acids and DNA nucleotides can't effectively be synthesised. Without these nutrients the plant biomass and growth would stunt and the plant could wither, thus this could even be fatal for large climax communities where organism are interdependent on autotrophic primary producers.Thus this highlights the importance of transfer of substances between plant, bacteria and the environment, the substance in this case being nitrogen gas and its aforementioned constituents.

this would be like 'one paragraph' of the 4 that I write for each essay title.
This really isn't too bad at all, but the structure needs work.

Some points:
Be careful with terminology and definitions. For instance, you've used the word 'assimilates' as a noun, but not defined it. You must always define a term like this. However, you've used a lot of good terminology, and used it correctly so well done there.

You need to structure your answer much better to ensure you get maximum marks. You've written this a bit like breathless prose, all cramped into one badly-punctuated paragraph. You need to split this all up, and organise it better. This, I think, shows that you don't plan your essays before writing them - this really is a crucial step. List the examples and points you want to make, how you will expand/describe them, and how do they answer the question? For instance, in the piece above, you've got:

Ammonia
Water movement into roots
Photosynthesis
Respiration
Amino acid synthesis
Trophic levels..

...all in one paragraph!! Split it up! Each of these topics needs a separate paragraph, a good amount of on-topic discussion and then a link (if possible) to the next topic. This will make the writing flow much better and, for the examiner, make it much easier to mark.

So, a good effort. But you must structure your writing much more clearly and resist the temptation to just 'write everything you know on topic X'. And, most importantly read the question and make sure everything you write answers it.
Last edited by Reality Check; 8 months ago
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Nivethaa Sri
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(Original post by Reality Check)
This really isn't too bad at all, but the structure needs work.

Some points:
Be careful with terminology and definitions. For instance, you've used the word 'assimilates' as a noun, but not defined it. You must always define a term like this. However, you've used a lot of good terminology, and used it correctly so well done there.

You need to structure your answer much better to ensure you get maximum marks. You've written this a bit like breathless prose, all cramped into one badly-punctuated paragraph. You need to split this all up, and organise it better. This, I think, shows that you don't plan your essays before writing them - this really is a crucial step. List the examples and points you want to make, how you will expand/describe them, and how do they answer the question? For instance, in the piece above, you've got:

Ammonia
Water movement into roots
Photosynthesis
Respiration
Amino acid synthesis
Trophic levels..

...all in one paragraph!! Split it up! Each of these topics needs a separate paragraph, a good amount of on-topic discussion and then a link (if possible) to the next topic. This will make the writing flow much better and, for the examiner, make it much easier to mark.

So, a good effort. But you must structure your writing much more clearly and resist the temptation to just 'write everything you know on topic X'. And, most importantly read the question and make sure everything you write answers it.
THANK YOU!! thank you ever so much, this is the mist constructive feedback I've gotten on any essay and I understand the feedback for the first time too. I'll definitely take the feedback on board and try to improve. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to help me.
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Nivethaa Sri
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(Original post by Nivethaa Sri)
THANK YOU!! thank you ever so much, this is the mist constructive feedback I've gotten on any essay and I understand the feedback for the first time too. I'll definitely take the feedback on board and try to improve. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to help me.
most*
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Reality Check
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(Original post by Nivethaa Sri)
THANK YOU!! thank you ever so much, this is the mist constructive feedback I've gotten on any essay and I understand the feedback for the first time too. I'll definitely take the feedback on board and try to improve. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to help me.
That's great And thank you for such a polite response. I'm glad it was helpful. You can always post again if you need to.
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