Bf and female friends

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 6 days ago
#1
Firstly
I'm not controlling or choosing who he is friends with

He doesn't have to declare every female friend he has or any friend

I will never ask him to show me any conversation history or messages with any person (and have never snooped myself)

I'm not forcing him to stay w/ me.

Before we started having relationship problems I did not even think about his opposite sex friends. We are LDR (until June) and over time he has been putting in less effort and time etc. We are perfectly fine in person but he goes back to uni and I become a bottom priority, and so problems and discontent have grown and we have argued a lot, we have become distanced and our connection isn't as strong. He still says he wants to be with me, have a future, make this work, he still loves me etc. But no explanation for his behaviour.

So I'm thinking while we are spending less time together and disconnecting, is he spending more time growing connections with other girls?

( Could lead to emotional cheating. )

I don't mind if he meets someone new and leaves me, but I do not want to be a back up plan or safety net while he casually explores other options. Or his intentions, if he makes friends with girls specifically because they are girls, (viewing them as romantic partners) not because he likes them as people. He is very much long term orientated so it is more likely he would do this than have sex or physically cheat (which I trust him not to do).

There are a few things I'm suspicious / concerned about, for example:
- He says he doesn't have any female friends but he does have female course mates (his course is majority male though) and once he sent a screenshot and there was a chathead (facebook) of a girl who is on his course, so he chats with his female course mates outside of his learning time. So I feel like he is being a bit secretive of this or being pedantic in who he classes as a 'friend'.

- He doesn't really mention any female friends except for his flatmates (who I have met, and are in relationships), only the male ones, actually the only mention was he said he had a dream involving a female course mate and me (not sexual dw).

- He does have a lot of contact time on his course, so he could be spending a lot of time. Hence he grows more distant with me but is becoming closer to others.

- On fb he has no mention or pictures of me, and uses fb for uni, so I'm wondering if he's deliberately hiding me. Particularly as he would be hiding it from his female course mates whom he talks to on there.

- He is very friendly and the kind of guy a lot of girls would be attracted to so they may misinterpret this. And yeah I'll always have a little insecurity.

But most of this has stemmed from his behaviour towards me. And I'm wondering if an explanation is due to him liking / slowly pursuing other people.

Basically, I would like to clarify a few things with him and maybe discuss boundaries we have with opposite sex friends (not giving him any rules or boundaries), and that he has to be honest about his feelings etc? But I don't know how to have this conversation without sounding very controlling and jealous. So any advice?
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Anonymous #2
#2
Report 6 days ago
#2
Sounds like he is hiding you > maybe he is ashamed of you or you’re just his ‘side’ chick
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Mapleservers
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#3
Report 6 days ago
#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
Firstly
I'm not controlling or choosing who he is friends with

He doesn't have to declare every female friend he has or any friend

I will never ask him to show me any conversation history or messages with any person (and have never snooped myself)

I'm not forcing him to stay w/ me.

Before we started having relationship problems I did not even think about his opposite sex friends. We are LDR (until June) and over time he has been putting in less effort and time etc. We are perfectly fine in person but he goes back to uni and I become a bottom priority, and so problems and discontent have grown and we have argued a lot, we have become distanced and our connection isn't as strong. He still says he wants to be with me, have a future, make this work, he still loves me etc. But no explanation for his behaviour.

So I'm thinking while we are spending less time together and disconnecting, is he spending more time growing connections with other girls?

( Could lead to emotional cheating. )

I don't mind if he meets someone new and leaves me, but I do not want to be a back up plan or safety net while he casually explores other options. Or his intentions, if he makes friends with girls specifically because they are girls, (viewing them as romantic partners) not because he likes them as people. He is very much long term orientated so it is more likely he would do this than have sex or physically cheat (which I trust him not to do).

There are a few things I'm suspicious / concerned about, for example:
- He says he doesn't have any female friends but he does have female course mates (his course is majority male though) and once he sent a screenshot and there was a chathead (facebook) of a girl who is on his course, so he chats with his female course mates outside of his learning time. So I feel like he is being a bit secretive of this or being pedantic in who he classes as a 'friend'.

- He doesn't really mention any female friends except for his flatmates (who I have met, and are in relationships), only the male ones, actually the only mention was he said he had a dream involving a female course mate and me (not sexual dw).

- He does have a lot of contact time on his course, so he could be spending a lot of time. Hence he grows more distant with me but is becoming closer to others.

- On fb he has no mention or pictures of me, and uses fb for uni, so I'm wondering if he's deliberately hiding me. Particularly as he would be hiding it from his female course mates whom he talks to on there.

- He is very friendly and the kind of guy a lot of girls would be attracted to so they may misinterpret this. And yeah I'll always have a little insecurity.

But most of this has stemmed from his behaviour towards me. And I'm wondering if an explanation is due to him liking / slowly pursuing other people.

Basically, I would like to clarify a few things with him and maybe discuss boundaries we have with opposite sex friends (not giving him any rules or boundaries), and that he has to be honest about his feelings etc? But I don't know how to have this conversation without sounding very controlling and jealous. So any advice?
Friendly doesn’t make you attractive sadly and you should request a relationship status on Facebook if he doesn’t want that he is cheating imo
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Anonymous #1
#4
Report Thread starter 6 days ago
#4
(Original post by Mapleservers)
Friendly doesn’t make you attractive sadly and you should request a relationship status on Facebook if he doesn’t want that he is cheating imo
He is the mr nice guy to everyone though, he's funny, he's smart, he's kind, he takes an interest in you, he's tall, he's cute, for a lot of girls he would be quite ideal.

When we mentioned the fb status before, he said oh it's because I don't have fb that he can't put he is in a relationship. But friends have told me you don't have to put a name you can just put in a relationship? (we were talking about a mutual friend and their relationship which is how it came up in convo).
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Mapleservers
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#5
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#5
(Original post by Anonymous)
He is the mr nice guy to everyone though, he's funny, he's smart, he's kind, he takes an interest in you, he's tall, he's cute, for a lot of girls he would be quite ideal.

When we mentioned the fb status before, he said oh it's because I don't have fb that he can't put he is in a relationship. But friends have told me you don't have to put a name you can just put in a relationship? (we were talking about a mutual friend and their relationship which is how it came up in convo).
You’re right but he can still put it on Facebook and he can still put a name even if you don’t have it

Strangely enough girls nowadays don’t like nice guys I’ve learnt this the hard way of being used for the wrong reasons to being bullied and just other awful things
Last edited by Mapleservers; 6 days ago
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Anonymous #1
#6
Report Thread starter 6 days ago
#6
(Original post by Mapleservers)
You’re right but he can still put it on Facebook and he can still put a name even if you don’t have it

Strangely enough girls nowadays don’t like nice guys I’ve learnt this the hard way of being used for the wrong reasons to being bullied and just other awful things
I like nice guys! But I always fall for the nice guys who are nice on the surface but not truly nice :/ Sorry to hear you've had bad experiences, please don't let this stop you from being a good person

Hm should I ask him again? He would probably say he doesn't need to / or want our relationship plastered on social media, I'm like that too but no bad intentions. How do I talk about the whole female friends thing in general?
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Mapleservers
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#7
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#7
(Original post by Anonymous)
I like nice guys! But I always fall for the nice guys who are nice on the surface but not truly nice :/ Sorry to hear you've had bad experiences, please don't let this stop you from being a good person

Hm should I ask him again? He would probably say he doesn't need to / or want our relationship plastered on social media, I'm like that too but no bad intentions. How do I talk about the whole female friends thing in general?
I personally would address it carefully to each other so it don’t give a paranoid feeling. If you want it to be on Facebook, maybe join?

You could even use his phone and upload a picture of you both and if he doesn’t mind he loves you - if he goes crazy at you then you have a reason to suspect something

You could address it as asking what he’s been doing or even I know this might sound absolutely awful to do but create a new Snapchat and create a catfish account ( I can boost the score if you need so it looks legit ) and ask him questions after talking if he wants to meet and he should say he’s already got a gf

I don’t actually know sorry

Yea thanks :/ I’m back on dating apps but it’s going slow
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Anonymous #1
#8
Report Thread starter 4 days ago
#8
(Original post by Mapleservers)
I personally would address it carefully to each other so it don’t give a paranoid feeling. If you want it to be on Facebook, maybe join?

You could even use his phone and upload a picture of you both and if he doesn’t mind he loves you - if he goes crazy at you then you have a reason to suspect something

You could address it as asking what he’s been doing or even I know this might sound absolutely awful to do but create a new Snapchat and create a catfish account ( I can boost the score if you need so it looks legit ) and ask him questions after talking if he wants to meet and he should say he’s already got a gf

I don’t actually know sorry

Yea thanks :/ I’m back on dating apps but it’s going slow
Ugh he completely misinterpreted what I said even though I was not being controlling I just wanted to clear a few things up :/ and called me controlling. His defensiveness is suspicious. Will try again tmo

I hope it goes well for you on the dating apps, although as you know relationships can be a lot of bother so don't forget to enjoy being single
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