Year 12s: what will be the first way you research your future options? >>

Write a story , GCSE English

Can someone check the story and advice on improvement

Thanks
I didn't know if I could do this, I jumped grasping for the ledge with a lack of traction.

"You shall not escape fellow creature"

Panting* I was, I had to survive, I couldn't let Sammy die. It was 3 years ago I bought the juvenile turtle. I see a silver spike as bright as the brightest pearl in the ocean. I panic and jump towards the purple void, I spin, I twirl.

I fall at the speed of light towards a bumpy purple surface. I imagine feeling the crusty skin of Sammy, I couldn't leave him by himself to starve to death. His brown skin as ancient and wrinkly as it was from the 6th century.

"Turn super bright mode on"

Scream* I couldn't see a thing it was so bright. I got a migrane and was terrified, I thought this may be the end.

The electric trickled, then the power shuts down, the vent below the maze opens up.

It suddenly went dark, I couldn't see a thing I grabbed my torch in my back pocket and saw a ladder.

"You revolting human, how dare you destroy our maze"

I jump out of the UFO and parachute my way back to earth.

Explosion*

Reply 1

oliviawilsonnn

Hi,
I would do a double check on the grammar and rephrase some parts. However, I thought it was pretty good.
Going through purely as an editor, why have you done a sound effect etc. and then a star? Did your teachers like this? If not sure, I would opt for a 'show not tell' attitude. It appears more like you were writing a screenplay than a story? Was this the instruction? I think you could probably do that if you wanted but then the formatting would probably be different. Also, please ensure that you do not put numbers such as 3 in an essay, spell it out. The tenses are also quite jumbled at parts. ie.

I could not let myself die. I could not let Sammy die.....

It was three years ago when I bought the Juvenile turtle. (Here, I would expand more, it could do with being clearer.) I see.... (You have changed tense, is this in the three years ago?)

I cannot fully edit it for you but if you like you can try to redraft it with this feedback and then I will look again? Also, is this just an extract? If not, it is pretty short.....

Good luck!