Was I sexually assaulted?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 year ago
#1
Tw: sexual assault
So about 8 months ago during freshers I got really drunk with some people I (at the time) considered friends, I’d known them since the beginning of freshers and this was the last day. We went out clubbing got really drunk etc. Then me and two other girls went back with this guy to his flat (he was nice and friendly and I thought he was funny) and he said I could sleep in his bed and he stressed that we wouldn’t or didn’t have to do anything. So he gave me some clothes and we went to bed and they other girls stayed in the kitchen. I was very drunk and I don’t really remember anything between then and when he was f*ngering me, he said we didn’t have to have sex because he didn’t have a condom (i was a virgin when this happened) I remember kissing him so it wasn’t like he forced it, I must have been up for it but I don’t remember saying yes. He also gave me oral and I c*md. when I woke up the next morning (after he finally stopped sort of rubbing over my stomach and sides from where I’d turned away from him and I could fall asleep) I left to go back to mine quickly and I felt utterly GROSS. The whole night since then has just been so hazy and thinking about it makes me feel so uncomfortable but I didn’t say no... I also didn’t say yes. So basically was this sexual assault or just a stupid drunk mistake I regret???

Also, I have a bf now and every time he f*ngers me or goes down on me I get so tense and uncomfortable so much that I won’t let him go down on me, I don’t know if this is because of the freshers guy or if I just don’t like it.
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Theloniouss
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#2
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It depends on how drunk the guy was and whether or not you consented.
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Anonymous #1
#3
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(Original post by Knortfoxx)
It depends on how drunk the guy was and whether or not you consented.
That’s the thing though I can’t remember if I consented or not. And he didn’t seem drunk but it’s all pretty hazy so I couldn’t say for sure
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Theloniouss
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#4
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(Original post by Anonymous)
That’s the thing though I can’t remember if I consented or not. And he didn’t seem drunk but it’s all pretty hazy so I couldn’t say for sure
Then, unfortunately, the answer is nobody knows. If you were both equally drunk and consented, it wasn't sexual assault. If either of those isn't true, it probably was.
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Gent2324
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#5
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(Original post by Anonymous)
That’s the thing though I can’t remember if I consented or not. And he didn’t seem drunk but it’s all pretty hazy so I couldn’t say for sure
then theres no way to determine if it was sexual assault or not...
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suzanasyayavuz
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#6
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#6
(Original post by Anonymous)
Tw: sexual assault
So about 8 months ago during freshers I got really drunk with some people I (at the time) considered friends, I’d known them since the beginning of freshers and this was the last day. We went out clubbing got really drunk etc. Then me and two other girls went back with this guy to his flat (he was nice and friendly and I thought he was funny) and he said I could sleep in his bed and he stressed that we wouldn’t or didn’t have to do anything. So he gave me some clothes and we went to bed and they other girls stayed in the kitchen. I was very drunk and I don’t really remember anything between then and when he was f*ngering me, he said we didn’t have to have sex because he didn’t have a condom (i was a virgin when this happened) I remember kissing him so it wasn’t like he forced it, I must have been up for it but I don’t remember saying yes. He also gave me oral and I c*md. when I woke up the next morning (after he finally stopped sort of rubbing over my stomach and sides from where I’d turned away from him and I could fall asleep) I left to go back to mine quickly and I felt utterly GROSS. The whole night since then has just been so hazy and thinking about it makes me feel so uncomfortable but I didn’t say no... I also didn’t say yes. So basically was this sexual assault or just a stupid drunk mistake I regret???

Also, I have a bf now and every time he f*ngers me or goes down on me I get so tense and uncomfortable so much that I won’t let him go down on me, I don’t know if this is because of the freshers guy or if I just don’t like it.
If you feel ill when you remember it it seems like it wasnt exactly something you consented to - we rarely remember enthusiastic consent this way - as for assigning blame, its hard as a woman because there are so many moments where its difficult and you can feel like in order to put a stop to something you have to actively say no, which can have scary consequences (social exclusion, angry men, being 'difficult' etc) - if he said you didnt have to do anything and then started doing stuff, thats pretty bad form on his part. You dont have to think of him as an assaulter or not - but you are allowed to feel however you feel about the event and process it in your own way - dont feel that it has to be his fault (assault) or your fault (drunk mistake) - it can be inexperience combined with a guy whos a bit of an inconsiderate ******* - before I had sex I ended up going home with a guy who put his finger in me without asking and it was awful and really grossed me out - I couldnt stop thinking about it for weeks - but he was so clueless and terrified that I didnt feel comfortable classing it as assault (though it technically was) - your situation seems similar, it seems like it definitely could be classed as an assault, but if thats something you dont feel comfortable doing, you can rightfully feel uncomfortable about the situation without escalating it to somewhere you feel even more uncomfortable
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Theloniouss
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#7
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(Original post by suzanasyayavuz)
If you feel ill when you remember it it seems like it wasnt exactly something you consented to - we rarely remember enthusiastic consent this way - as for assigning blame, its hard as a woman because there are so many moments where its difficult and you can feel like in order to put a stop to something you have to actively say no, which can have scary consequences (social exclusion, angry men, being 'difficult' etc) - if he said you didnt have to do anything and then started doing stuff, thats pretty bad form on his part. You dont have to think of him as an assaulter or not - but you are allowed to feel however you feel about the event and process it in your own way - dont feel that it has to be his fault (assault) or your fault (drunk mistake) - it can be inexperience combined with a guy whos a bit of an inconsiderate ******* - before I had sex I ended up going home with a guy who put his finger in me without asking and it was awful and really grossed me out - I couldnt stop thinking about it for weeks - but he was so clueless and terrified that I didnt feel comfortable classing it as assault (though it technically was) - your situation seems similar, it seems like it definitely could be classed as an assault, but if thats something you dont feel comfortable doing, you can rightfully feel uncomfortable about the situation without escalating it to somewhere you feel even more uncomfortable
Are you saying you've never done something while drunk that you later seriously regretted?
Last edited by Theloniouss; 1 year ago
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sinfonietta
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From what you've described it sounds more like regret. I'd say looking at it as that is also the easiest way to move past it.
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suzanasyayavuz
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#9
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#9
(Original post by Knortfoxx)
Are you saying you've never done something while drunk that you later seriously regretted?
not so much that im traumatised to do it again with someone im attracted to no
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>Username<
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#10
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Tbh... Only you can ever know. I've read what other people have said before me, and it's a very tricky situation. I could say, it wasn't sexual assault, but will that stop you feeling tense with your boyfriend? Probably not.

If I say it is sexual assault, will that make you feel any better?

Because you're saying you can't remember, there's all kinds of scenarios that could have happened, both somewhat good and bad. Maybe the guy asked you if he could finger you, maybe he didn't. No one here will know what happened. And with you saying you can't remember... I guess neither will you.

Something obviously happened that night that made you feel uneasy and now you remember it with your boyfriend. Maybe it was sexual assault, maybe it was guilt for what you did... Maybe it was a traumatic experience for you. Honestly, I don't know...

Maybe try speaking to someone professional about this and see where that goes. Try to piece together what happened, but I'm sure you've already done that and hence your post.

I feel like no matter what anyone says... Only you know how you feel, and you need to deal with that in your own way.

Hope this helps.
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Anonymous #2
#11
Report 3 months ago
#11
The law states that if you are heavily drunk, then you are not in the right frame of mind to consent and thus, it is sexual assault
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ANM775
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#12
Report 3 months ago
#12
(Original post by Anonymous)
Tw: sexual assault
So about 8 months ago during freshers I got really drunk with some people I (at the time) considered friends, I’d known them since the beginning of freshers and this was the last day. We went out clubbing got really drunk etc. Then me and two other girls went back with this guy to his flat (he was nice and friendly and I thought he was funny) and he said I could sleep in his bed and he stressed that we wouldn’t or didn’t have to do anything. So he gave me some clothes and we went to bed and they other girls stayed in the kitchen. I was very drunk and I don’t really remember anything between then and when he was f*ngering me, he said we didn’t have to have sex because he didn’t have a condom (i was a virgin when this happened) I remember kissing him so it wasn’t like he forced it, I must have been up for it but I don’t remember saying yes. He also gave me oral and I c*md. when I woke up the next morning (after he finally stopped sort of rubbing over my stomach and sides from where I’d turned away from him and I could fall asleep) I left to go back to mine quickly and I felt utterly GROSS. The whole night since then has just been so hazy and thinking about it makes me feel so uncomfortable but I didn’t say no... I also didn’t say yes. So basically was this sexual assault or just a stupid drunk mistake I regret???

Also, I have a bf now and every time he f*ngers me or goes down on me I get so tense and uncomfortable so much that I won’t let him go down on me, I don’t know if this is because of the freshers guy or if I just don’t like it.
sounds like you were a pretty willing participant
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