20 and strict parents won't let me move out:(

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Idklmaoo
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I'm from London but I moved into uni accom for first year. My parents were against it but agreed for the first year. The calmness and just overall better mental health was amazing while it lasted. I tried for months to get them to allow me to move out for 2nd year and in the end I gave up and thought I'd just listen to my parents because it couldn't be that bad right? But now that I'm back home, I really don't think I can take it all throughout 2nd year (and the rest too). My parents are very emotionally abusive and they constantly fight very severly. Everytime I hear them midly starting to shout at each other I have the biggest urge to scream as loud as I can lol It gets my blood boiling is 0.2 seconds.

So I really want to find a way to move out for 2nd year but my parents are really strict and traditional and they don't believe in women moving out before marriage.-. And I also have younger siblings as well and one of them is moving out for 1st year accomodation so it'll only be me and the 2 little ones. I can already see how badly it affects them and it was actually one of my only reasons for "agreeing" to move back in for the rest of the years. I'd feel really guilty for leaving them alone in this kind of environment so I'm really stuck in a dilemma...

Another problem:
If I decide to move out, I'd have to go for private accommodation (uni only allows first yr accom) or housesharing with friends. Priv accom is way too expensive and I really do want to move in with friends but I know my parents would never say yes to it. There's something about me becoming an independent woman they really hate... and I can't deal with it anymore. They expect me to follow the ideals of a woman in our home country but I was born and raised in England and obviously grew up with some western ideologies too. I can't believe they didn't see this coming:/

That turned into a rant sorrt but what I'm basically asking is:
1. Do you think I should move out?
2. If yes, how abouts should I go doing this...
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RogerOxon
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You're an adult - do what you want. If you're worried about the safety of your siblings, report your parents.
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cheesecakelove
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(Original post by Idklmaoo)
I'm from London but I moved into uni accom for first year. My parents were against it but agreed for the first year. The calmness and just overall better mental health was amazing while it lasted. I tried for months to get them to allow me to move out for 2nd year and in the end I gave up and thought I'd just listen to my parents because it couldn't be that bad right? But now that I'm back home, I really don't think I can take it all throughout 2nd year (and the rest too). My parents are very emotionally abusive and they constantly fight very severly. Everytime I hear them midly starting to shout at each other I have the biggest urge to scream as loud as I can lol It gets my blood boiling is 0.2 seconds.

So I really want to find a way to move out for 2nd year but my parents are really strict and traditional and they don't believe in women moving out before marriage.-. And I also have younger siblings as well and one of them is moving out for 1st year accomodation so it'll only be me and the 2 little ones. I can already see how badly it affects them and it was actually one of my only reasons for "agreeing" to move back in for the rest of the years. I'd feel really guilty for leaving them alone in this kind of environment so I'm really stuck in a dilemma...

Another problem:
If I decide to move out, I'd have to go for private accommodation (uni only allows first yr accom) or housesharing with friends. Priv accom is way too expensive and I really do want to move in with friends but I know my parents would never say yes to it. There's something about me becoming an independent woman they really hate... and I can't deal with it anymore. They expect me to follow the ideals of a woman in our home country but I was born and raised in England and obviously grew up with some western ideologies too. I can't believe they didn't see this coming:/

That turned into a rant sorrt but what I'm basically asking is:
1. Do you think I should move out?
2. If yes, how abouts should I go doing this...
1. I think you should move out for the sake of your mental health and wellbeing. Deciding to move out will not be the easiest decision to take, so you have to be prepared to stand up for what you want. Your life and your future should lie in your hands, not under the control of your parents. If your parents are having issues with each other, are other family members aware of this and able to talk to them or encourage them to get help. Do your parents see the effects that their behaviour are having on you and your siblings, and if so, how do they react?

2. I would make sure you have your accommodation in place first. It sounds like moving in with friends is the better option. I get the impression that if you ask your parents, they will refuse, so you might have to be proactive and take the action.
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mnot
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(Original post by Idklmaoo)
I'm from London but I moved into uni accom for first year. My parents were against it but agreed for the first year. The calmness and just overall better mental health was amazing while it lasted. I tried for months to get them to allow me to move out for 2nd year and in the end I gave up and thought I'd just listen to my parents because it couldn't be that bad right? But now that I'm back home, I really don't think I can take it all throughout 2nd year (and the rest too). My parents are very emotionally abusive and they constantly fight very severly. Everytime I hear them midly starting to shout at each other I have the biggest urge to scream as loud as I can lol It gets my blood boiling is 0.2 seconds.

So I really want to find a way to move out for 2nd year but my parents are really strict and traditional and they don't believe in women moving out before marriage.-. And I also have younger siblings as well and one of them is moving out for 1st year accomodation so it'll only be me and the 2 little ones. I can already see how badly it affects them and it was actually one of my only reasons for "agreeing" to move back in for the rest of the years. I'd feel really guilty for leaving them alone in this kind of environment so I'm really stuck in a dilemma...

Another problem:
If I decide to move out, I'd have to go for private accommodation (uni only allows first yr accom) or housesharing with friends. Priv accom is way too expensive and I really do want to move in with friends but I know my parents would never say yes to it. There's something about me becoming an independent woman they really hate... and I can't deal with it anymore. They expect me to follow the ideals of a woman in our home country but I was born and raised in England and obviously grew up with some western ideologies too. I can't believe they didn't see this coming:/

That turned into a rant sorrt but what I'm basically asking is:
1. Do you think I should move out?
2. If yes, how abouts should I go doing this...
Yes I think you should move out, you clearly want to and it seems you will be happier in your own place.
You dont need your parents permission, your 20. You need to find the money, this might be difficult especially as getting a job with corona is quite difficult, but plenty of people do this every year.
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C2armen2
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Yes you should definitely move out with friends. When I moved out for A Levels I gained independence as a woman and started to fend for myself. I learned and appreciated more the value of time and money (in my case anyways) and these skills are vital for life and personal development , especially if you also have grown up in a family whose ideals are maybe different to Western ideologies, as you want to become an independent woman. I also understand you being a bit sad about leaving your siblings behind, I also felt quite guilty, just because we grew up close and I left home earlier than expected to get a better education, but the relationship I have with him has not changed- they will eventually understand why you had to move out and their chance will come too, sooner or later - you have to do what is best for you. I agree with previous comments - get a firm place to go before you say anything
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Idklmaoo
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(Original post by RogerOxon)
You're an adult - do what you want. If you're worried about the safety of your siblings, report your parents.
(Original post by cheesecakelove)
1. I think you should move out for the sake of your mental health and wellbeing. Deciding to move out will not be the easiest decision to take, so you have to be prepared to stand up for what you want. Your life and your future should lie in your hands, not under the control of your parents. If your parents are having issues with each other, are other family members aware of this and able to talk to them or encourage them to get help. Do your parents see the effects that their behaviour are having on you and your siblings, and if so, how do they react?

2. I would make sure you have your accommodation in place first. It sounds like moving in with friends is the better option. I get the impression that if you ask your parents, they will refuse, so you might have to be proactive and take the action.
(Original post by mnot)
Yes I think you should move out, you clearly want to and it seems you will be happier in your own place.
You dont need your parents permission, your 20. You need to find the money, this might be difficult especially as getting a job with corona is quite difficult, but plenty of people do this every year.
(Original post by C2armen2)
Yes you should definitely move out with friends. When I moved out for A Levels I gained independence as a woman and started to fend for myself. I learned and appreciated more the value of time and money (in my case anyways) and these skills are vital for life and personal development , especially if you also have grown up in a family whose ideals are maybe different to Western ideologies, as you want to become an independent woman. I also understand you being a bit sad about leaving your siblings behind, I also felt quite guilty, just because we grew up close and I left home earlier than expected to get a better education, but the relationship I have with him has not changed- they will eventually understand why you had to move out and their chance will come too, sooner or later - you have to do what is best for you. I agree with previous comments - get a firm place to go before you say anything
Thank you everyone for replying! I've been thinking about this for a couple of days and I'm now 99% certain I will move out. I read all your posts and was thinking about stuff but still trying to find a way to fix my home situation and please my parents by staying at home. My parents are constantly fighting and I've really been trying to sort things out between them but it just doesn't work lol. Idk why I thought it would anyway since I've been trying to sort things out as far back as I can remember.

Anyway, a few days ago when they were fighting again, I had had enough so I for once told them that they were affecting ME as well as stressing out themselves and everyone else in the house. I got ignored as usual but I told them that I'm giving them until September to fix up or I'm moving out. This turned their heads ofc but I said what I said. I'm not asking them nor giving them opportunity to make me feel bad for thinking about myself for once. I gave them the time frame and if they want to keep going like this then I'm moving out. They said that it's just an excuse because I want to move out. They are correct but I wouldn't call it an excuse, more like a reason lol. With how they are fighting for days over the tiniest thing, pretty sure I will move out and I'm not going to let them not let me house share with friends because I'm just gonna take my stuff and leave if worse comes to worse tbh. I feel bad for my younger siblings but I've been thinking of just bringing them over to 'my place' on weekends when I don't have too much work and let my parents eat away at themselves idc :/
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londonmyst
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(Original post by Idklmaoo)
Thank you everyone for replying! I've been thinking about this for a couple of days and I'm now 99% certain I will move out. I read all your posts and was thinking about stuff but still trying to find a way to fix my home situation and please my parents by staying at home. My parents are constantly fighting and I've really been trying to sort things out between them but it just doesn't work lol. Idk why I thought it would anyway since I've been trying to sort things out as far back as I can remember.

Anyway, a few days ago when they were fighting again, I had had enough so I for once told them that they were affecting ME as well as stressing out themselves and everyone else in the house. I got ignored as usual but I told them that I'm giving them until September to fix up or I'm moving out. This turned their heads ofc but I said what I said. I'm not asking them nor giving them opportunity to make me feel bad for thinking about myself for once. I gave them the time frame and if they want to keep going like this then I'm moving out. They said that it's just an excuse because I want to move out. They are correct but I wouldn't call it an excuse, more like a reason lol. With how they are fighting for days over the tiniest thing, pretty sure I will move out and I'm not going to let them not let me house share with friends because I'm just gonna take my stuff and leave if worse comes to worse tbh. I feel bad for my younger siblings but I've been thinking of just bringing them over to 'my place' on weekends when I don't have too much work and let my parents eat away at themselves idc :/
Good luck!
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Idklmaoo
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(Original post by londonmyst)
Good luck!
Thank you
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Bio 7
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(Original post by Idklmaoo)
Thank you everyone for replying! I've been thinking about this for a couple of days and I'm now 99% certain I will move out. I read all your posts and was thinking about stuff but still trying to find a way to fix my home situation and please my parents by staying at home. My parents are constantly fighting and I've really been trying to sort things out between them but it just doesn't work lol. Idk why I thought it would anyway since I've been trying to sort things out as far back as I can remember.

Anyway, a few days ago when they were fighting again, I had had enough so I for once told them that they were affecting ME as well as stressing out themselves and everyone else in the house. I got ignored as usual but I told them that I'm giving them until September to fix up or I'm moving out. This turned their heads ofc but I said what I said. I'm not asking them nor giving them opportunity to make me feel bad for thinking about myself for once. I gave them the time frame and if they want to keep going like this then I'm moving out. They said that it's just an excuse because I want to move out. They are correct but I wouldn't call it an excuse, more like a reason lol. With how they are fighting for days over the tiniest thing, pretty sure I will move out and I'm not going to let them not let me house share with friends because I'm just gonna take my stuff and leave if worse comes to worse tbh. I feel bad for my younger siblings but I've been thinking of just bringing them over to 'my place' on weekends when I don't have too much work and let my parents eat away at themselves idc :/
That's a very mature response and you'll certainly feel better once you're out and being independant.

I wish you well.
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erwinterbone
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Please speak to your university’s student advice and housing departments. They will be able to help you.

If you apply for housing on campus for second year on mental health grounds and then speak to a gp about the obvious affect your parents have on your mental well-being they will most likely accommodate your request. But do so URGENTLY. My university accepts housing applications and evidence until the end of May so I assume it’s a similar story elsewhere.

Please don’t put yourself in a toxic environment like that. You’re an adult. And please do stand up to them.
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Idklmaoo
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(Original post by Bio 7)
That's a very mature response and you'll certainly feel better once you're out and being independant.

I wish you well.
Thank you I hope I do feel better if I move out but I currently feel so horribly selfish for even thinking of it and talking to my parents in the way I did;-; I'm also worried about what will happen and how far the fights go if I'm not here to stop them...
(Original post by erwinterbone)
Please speak to your university’s student advice and housing departments. They will be able to help you.

If you apply for housing on campus for second year on mental health grounds and then speak to a gp about the obvious affect your parents have on your mental well-being they will most likely accommodate your request. But do so URGENTLY. My university accepts housing applications and evidence until the end of May so I assume it’s a similar story elsewhere.

Please don’t put yourself in a toxic environment like that. You’re an adult. And please do stand up to them.
Wow I didn't know this was an option! Thank you very much:s I'll get onto emailing about it asap... although I'm not very hopeful it'll work And I've been thinking about going to a gp about mental health for a while now anyway so if it's going to help me get accommodation... why not I guess
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HPAG
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Idklmaoo Who is paying for your education and expenses ? Just wondering because you said your parents were not allowing you to shift out. And you mention "ideals of a woman in our home country" Usually in families of this thinking the parents are funding their children.
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Idklmaoo
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(Original post by HPAG)
Idklmaoo Who is paying for your education and expenses ? Just wondering because you said they were not allowing you to shift out. And you mention "ideals of a woman in our home country" Usually in families of this thinking the parents are funding their children.
Lol they don't pay for anything. Money's not a factor stopping me from moving out. It's just seen as unacceptable, disrespectful and dishonourable for me to move out:/ Student loan pays for the 9k and I get maintenance loan as well as have money from when I was working. I'm also going to start working again when this corona mess clears up. When I was in accommodation, they sometimes gave me money even though I didn't want nor need it.

Basically, I don't need their money to sustain myself and would rather work for my money lel
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username1060297
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I know where you are coming from. I don't think you should move out. Mental health is very much environment dependent and you could probably develop very thick skin skills if you stay home. I am saying this bc I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. Trust me, with hardship comes ease. If you move out your younger siblings especially the ones who haven't inherited the high conflict genes that one of your parents possibly possesses which is causing the turmoil in their relationship will be affected.

This advice is coming from someone of the same culture who has moved out repeatedly. The idea that you'll have your siblings over for weekends isn't even likely, you don't put children in a university environment, idk what kind of friends you have and what kind of circles you have or will or like to be involved in but it doesn't seem logical. University for most of us, is all about mucking around and "growing", children have their own growing in their own appropriate environments. I don't feel your university friends home will allow for that. (This being said. I have seen older siblings have their very young siblings over at their place in university but I still don't think it's something that can be a regular weekend thing)

I honestly think you should ride it out and use the opportunity to change your relationship with your parents. You've taken the first step by being vocal. Do more of that. Be vocal and develop your communication skills by having to deal with their infantile behaviour. I can assure you. There's a deeper routed issue if they fight over nothing. And it is usually that one of the person has a personality disorder. that will affect the love and affection your siblings receive. Be the one that's there for them. You've experienced living out once. And that should be treasured. It's unlikely that your experience will be topped. I'm speaking from a culturally similar home. I know what you're going through and I would say, you may have a lot better in store for you if you have sabr.
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Dont move out. Parents are protective always. Make them support you by speaking to them and calmly make them understand your choices. Remember they are the greatest supporters and would always be there when you need them. We take their care and love for granted sometimes and make decisions in a haste and anger. It is important to convince them
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Idklmaoo
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(Original post by Ki Yung Na)
I know where you are coming from. I don't think you should move out. Mental health is very much environment dependent and you could probably develop very thick skin skills if you stay home. I am saying this bc I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. Trust me, with hardship comes ease. If you move out your younger siblings especially the ones who haven't inherited the high conflict genes that one of your parents possibly possesses which is causing the turmoil in their relationship will be affected.

This advice is coming from someone of the same culture who has moved out repeatedly. The idea that you'll have your siblings over for weekends isn't even likely, you don't put children in a university environment, idk what kind of friends you have and what kind of circles you have or will or like to be involved in but it doesn't seem logical. University for most of us, is all about mucking around and "growing", children have their own growing in their own appropriate environments. I don't feel your university friends home will allow for that. (This being said. I have seen older siblings have their very young siblings over at their place in university but I still don't think it's something that can be a regular weekend thing)

I honestly think you should ride it out and use the opportunity to change your relationship with your parents. You've taken the first step by being vocal. Do more of that. Be vocal and develop your communication skills by having to deal with their infantile behaviour. I can assure you. There's a deeper routed issue if they fight over nothing. And it is usually that one of the person has a personality disorder. that will affect the love and affection your siblings receive. Be the one that's there for them. You've experienced living out once. And that should be treasured. It's unlikely that your experience will be topped. I'm speaking from a culturally similar home. I know what you're going through and I would say, you may have a lot better in store for you if you have sabr.
I've been dealing with their fighting ever since I was born so I'm pretty sure them thick skin skills have developed as much as they can:P I agree that we don't know if my young siblings will deal with it in the same way I did and they're literally the only reason I'm still here. If they weren't, I would've 100% moved out and not be back lol. Also, I know having siblings over constantly wouldn't be an option. It was only a once in a while thought, if my parents were fighting particularly more than usual or smth.

I've been trying to communicate and be vocal with them for years. It's not that I haven't. What was new was just the fact that I threatened them with moving out haha. For years, I've been the one to stay in the middle of their fights and try to get them to communicate and listen to reason as well as look after my siblings because they seem to forget they have kids whenever they're fighting and just walk out:/ I also agree and am pretty sure my mum has some kind of personality disorder and my dad has severe anger issues:/ I feel sorry for both of them and my siblings
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Idklmaoo
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Dont move out. Parents are protective always. Make them support you by speaking to them and calmly make them understand your choices. Remember they are the greatest supporters and would always be there when you need them. We take their care and love for granted sometimes and make decisions in a haste and anger. It is important to convince them
They are protective always? They shouldn't only be protecting my body but my mental health as well, which they have never done. Rather, I seem to be doing the one protecting, having to choose sides, and take on responsibility that they neglect while consumed by their anger during fights.

Also, I don't understand what you mean by making them understand my choices when you're tell me not to move out? Could you please elaborate on what choices I should be getting them to understand ?
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username1060297
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(Original post by Idklmaoo)
I've been dealing with their fighting ever since I was born so I'm pretty sure them thick skin skills have developed as much as they can:P I agree that we don't know if my young siblings will deal with it in the same way I did and they're literally the only reason I'm still here. If they weren't, I would've 100% moved out and not be back lol. Also, I know having siblings over constantly wouldn't be an option. It was only a once in a while thought, if my parents were fighting particularly more than usual or smth.

I've been trying to communicate and be vocal with them for years. It's not that I haven't. What was new was just the fact that I threatened them with moving out haha. For years, I've been the one to stay in the middle of their fights and try to get them to communicate and listen to reason as well as look after my siblings because they seem to forget they have kids whenever they're fighting and just walk out:/ I also agree and am pretty sure my mum has some kind of personality disorder and my dad has severe anger issues:/ I feel sorry for both of them and my siblings
It is EXACTLY the same for me lol. My mum has a personality disorder thing going on. Truth be told avoidance and de-escalation is what your dad needs to learn.

You don't even need to be involved. As a girl you're gonna feel more compelled to be invovled because you yearn for stability. But the truth be told. Your mum won't change. But you can. The way to deal with it, is as I say, avoidance and deescelation and even better communication ability. Have a cleverness to you. This is a good time and age to really develop that and get ahead of your peers.

Booksmart kids (university kids) really don't have that much cleverness to them. If you're able to survive a year with your parents and siblings it'll do you a world of good.

Honestly. You should give it a thought. Taking steps like false threats is good. If you can hone that skill, you can use it in later life.

But I guess the winning factor here, is how to make it feel like staying home really is worth it. And only you can do something about that.

The only and main, thing that comes to my mind is the money you save.. I love money. And having been two universities before my current one, I burnt up cash like mad bc I lived away from home, but this time, as I live at home, I am racking money up like dominoes. Trust. It might not sound that great and it may come across superficial but savings as a student is such a good life move to make and have. It is smarts above the average graduate. Get Rich quick and move into jannah quicker. it's really the only thing we have for us
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Idklmaoo
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(Original post by Ki Yung Na)
(1) It is EXACTLY the same for me lol. My mum has a personality disorder thing going on. Truth be told avoidance and de-escalation is what your dad needs to learn.

You don't even need to be involved. As a girl you're gonna feel more compelled to be invovled because you yearn for stability. But the truth be told. Your mum won't change. But you can. The way to deal with it, is as I say, avoidance and deescelation and even better communication ability. Have a cleverness to you. This is a good time and age to really develop that and get ahead of your peers.

(2) Booksmart kids (university kids) really don't have that much cleverness to them. If you're able to survive a year with your parents and siblings it'll do you a world of good.

Honestly. You should give it a thought. Taking steps like false threats is good. If you can hone that skill, you can use it in later life.

(3) But I guess the winning factor here, is how to make it feel like staying home really is worth it. And only you can do something about that.

(4) The only and main, thing that comes to my mind is the money you save.. I love money. And having been two universities before my current one, I burnt up cash like mad bc I lived away from home, but this time, as I live at home, I am racking money up like dominoes. Trust. It might not sound that great and it may come across superficial but savings as a student is such a good life move to make and have. It is smarts above the average graduate. Get Rich quick and move into jannah quicker. it's really the only thing we have for us
(1) I tell my dad to stay away and block it out but he has anger issues so it never ends well. But tbh with the things my mum says and implies, it would be hard for anyone to not get angry.

(2) I've been surviving many years living with my parents and siblings so idk what this is supposed to mean lmao. I only moved out for like 5 months cause corona cut it short. But it would've only been 9 months without corona anyway.

(3) The only thing that makes staying at home worth it is my siblings. But I don't understand why you're implying that I have to like my living situations. It's not and never will be a good living situation and just drains me mentally. However, what I CAN do is endure it until my siblings are able to fend for themselves.

(4) I agree saving money is good and I do whatever I can to save money too. I didn't burn cash up like mad when away from home and still have quite a bit of money due to my frugalness lol. But I would give up a few thousand to move out and save my mental health lol.


However, I'm sorry but I stopped taking you seriously when you brought gender into things and generalised all booksmart and university kids of lacking cleverness lmao. Also, I'm not very religious but you mentioned getting rich quick and getting into jannah quick but pretty sure you're not supposed to be materialistic and think about money like that in Islam? Anyway, hope your living situations improve soon too.
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HPAG
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(Original post by Idklmaoo)
Lol they don't pay for anything. Money's not a factor stopping me from moving out. It's just seen as unacceptable, disrespectful and dishonourable for me to move out:/ Student loan pays for the 9k and I get maintenance loan as well as have money from when I was working. I'm also going to start working again when this corona mess clears up. When I was in accommodation, they sometimes gave me money even though I didn't want nor need it.

Basically, I don't need their money to sustain myself and would rather work for my money lel
You lol & lmao a lot. LOL !!

Ok. So you are independent. Do what makes you happy. Life is too short not to.

That said don't be angry with your parents. One you have not said they were actually nasty to you or your siblings. They were nasty to each other Two they sound like they should have got a divorce. But if they think on the lines of what is "right" for a woman to do then divorce was probably not an option. So feel sorry for them.

Hope you find happiness.
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