My Boyfriend is worried about me going to uni

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Anonymous #1
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I’m supposed to be going to uni soon and my boyfriend is really worried because of the long distance and me being with other guys and he has just told me he doesn’t think he will be able to do it. i don’t know what to do
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Anonymous #2
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He is right, it won’t work long distance. The two choices you have depends on how much you like him & if you see it lasting long term.
If you really love him & want to spend your life with him stay, if not it’s best to end the relationship and go uni.
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Golubsti
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You may hate to hear it but long distance relationships do not work the vast majority of the time. You will barely see each other however much you like to think you will beforehand.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Golubsti)
You may hate to hear it but long distance relationships do not work the vast majority of the time. You will barely see each other however much you like to think you will beforehand.
Yes and from experience the less you see each other the more the feelings fade. Sad but true.
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Anonymous #3
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My partner and I have just made it through university long distance (around 3 hours, seeing each other every 2/3 weeks) so it is possible. It depends on the distance, how often you can see each other and how long you have been together before going to uni (my and my S/O had been together for 2 years). Firstly, it may be more difficult because you have different schedules and can't relate to each other e.g. if he's doing a 9-5 and you're in uni and socialising. If it's meant to be, it'll work out - that's all that's to it
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xron
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(Original post by Anonymous)
He is right, it won’t work long distance. The two choices you have depends on how much you like him & if you see it lasting long term.
If you really love him & want to spend your life with him stay, if not it’s best to end the relationship and go uni.
Since forever i’ve wanted to go to uni. it’s something i’ve always wanted and i’m not prepared to give it up for the sake of a relationship no matter how much i love him. i want to spend the rest of my life with him and ive never been with a guy that makes me as happy as he makes me. is it worth at least trying the long distance? i believe that we could do it but also understand that love can give you that rose tinted vision sometimes that isn’t always accurate
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by xron)
Since forever i’ve wanted to go to uni. it’s something i’ve always wanted and i’m not prepared to give it up for the sake of a relationship no matter how much i love him. i want to spend the rest of my life with him and ive never been with a guy that makes me as happy as he makes me. is it worth at least trying the long distance? i believe that we could do it but also understand that love can give you that rose tinted vision sometimes that isn’t always accurate
Don't give up uni for him. It'll work if it's meant to. Try and make long-distance work.
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xron
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(Original post by Anonymous)
My partner and I have just made it through university long distance (around 3 hours, seeing each other every 2/3 weeks) so it is possible. It depends on the distance, how often you can see each other and how long you have been together before going to uni (my and my S/O had been together for 2 years). Firstly, it may be more difficult because you have different schedules and can't relate to each other e.g. if he's doing a 9-5 and you're in uni and socialising. If it's meant to be, it'll work out - that's all that's to it
did you guys struggle? and did the distance make it harder to be as trusting?
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xron
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Don't give up uni for him. It'll work if it's meant to. Try and make long-distance work.
thank you very much for the advice
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by xron)
did you guys struggle? and did the distance make it harder to be as trusting?
It was a struggle and we had wobbles every September when we went back each year. If anything, it's a good test and builds trust (as long as you don't cheat of course).
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_gcx
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(Original post by Anonymous)
He is right, it won’t work long distance. The two choices you have depends on how much you like him & if you see it lasting long term.
If you really love him & want to spend your life with him stay, if not it’s best to end the relationship and go uni.
(Original post by Golubsti)
You may hate to hear it but long distance relationships do not work the vast majority of the time. You will barely see each other however much you like to think you will beforehand.
i mean this is just wrong, lol.

LDRs won't work if people go in with attitudes like this.

frankly, if you find it this easy to abandon the idea of long distance - you didn't really care much for them anyway.
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xron
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(Original post by Anonymous)
It was a struggle and we had wobbles every September when we went back each year. If anything, it's a good test and builds trust (as long as you don't cheat of course).
alright, thank you, i really hope we can make it work like you guys- hoping this lock down will serve as a sort of practice before the real thing ahah
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ArtemisMCR
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It would be a change in the relationship dynamic and to be honest, I think it is more so whether you think either of you has the trust and communication to be able to overcome it. Definitely don't put him in front of going to uni, you deserve getting that education and degree! It should be a big discussion between you and him probably face to face after lockdown to really talk about the future. A long-distance relationship can work but going into one from a standing relationship where you are accustomed to seeing each other can take some getting use to.
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xron
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(Original post by ArtemisMCR)
It would be a change in the relationship dynamic and to be honest, I think it is more so whether you think either of you has the trust and communication to be able to overcome it. Definitely don't put him in front of going to uni, you deserve getting that education and degree! It should be a big discussion between you and him probably face to face after lockdown to really talk about the future. A long-distance relationship can work but going into one from a standing relationship where you are accustomed to seeing each other can take some getting use to.
we’ve spoken about it a lot however he got cheated on in his last relationship and it’s knocked his trust a bit. he has said that he does trust me but that he has issues with paranoia that he wants to get help for. i’m hoping that we will be able to make it and if not i’m willing to try
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ArtemisMCR
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(Original post by xron)
we’ve spoken about it a lot however he got cheated on in his last relationship and it’s knocked his trust a bit. he has said that he does trust me but that he has issues with paranoia that he wants to get help for. i’m hoping that we will be able to make it and if not i’m willing to try
I think you will need to set a boundary for yourself so if you get to a point of trying and not achieving you can know that that is it and it is time to call it. Mistrust can become dangerous and really ruin the dynamic of a relationship and cause you to second guess all your actions over how they would react.

Really ask him to get help for his problems and try and guide him towards some hobbies and interests so he has ways to fill the time that aren't such maladaptive thoughts towards your relationship.

WIsh you the best however it may turn out for you both. Just don't lose yourself to save a relationship
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xron
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(Original post by ArtemisMCR)
I think you will need to set a boundary for yourself so if you get to a point of trying and not achieving you can know that that is it and it is time to call it. Mistrust can become dangerous and really ruin the dynamic of a relationship and cause you to second guess all your actions over how they would react.

Really ask him to get help for his problems and try and guide him towards some hobbies and interests so he has ways to fill the time that aren't such maladaptive thoughts towards your relationship.

WIsh you the best however it may turn out for you both. Just don't lose yourself to save a relationship
thank you a lot. i think the boundary is definitely a good idea. in my last relationship my boyfriend struggled to trust me and i found myself having to report back to them wherever i even interacted with a boy. it was ridiculous and super unhealthy but has made me realise i don’t want to be in that position again and has helped me in my current relationship to realise that i cannot discontinue my own life for someone else’s issues
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Stb1750
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I won't outright tell you that long distance doesn't work. Although at the end of the day you're away for 3 or 4 years and you'll be living a different life, meeting new people. You'll probably 'notice' other guys and some of them might approach you and the urge could exist. You can by all means try long distance; but I just think for that length of time it wouldn't be particularly easy. You'll certainly both end up craving the "perks" so to speak of being in a relationship both (certainly) physically and emotionally. Plus watching all your new university mates around you hook up or form relationships won't make it any easier. It's a tough one. I would say go to university, prioritise your future and work towards your chosen career. By all means try long-distance. It could work, the video calls could be enough for you guys and perhaps you could make arrangements during the holiday periods to get much needed face to face time as possible. It will be difficult, no doubt about it in my eyes, but absolutely all the best of luck to you. If it works out, it works out and all is well. If not, then it will be sad, but if it adds any comfort; a lot of people are making this tough choice, and plenty before them who have went on to have successful careers and relationships.
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faith43211
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m supposed to be going to uni soon and my boyfriend is really worried because of the long distance and me being with other guys and he has just told me he doesn’t think he will be able to do it. i don’t know what to do
he should be
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Surnia
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(Original post by xron)
thank you a lot. i think the boundary is definitely a good idea. in my last relationship my boyfriend struggled to trust me and i found myself having to report back to them wherever i even interacted with a boy. it was ridiculous and super unhealthy but has made me realise i don’t want to be in that position again and has helped me in my current relationship to realise that i cannot discontinue my own life for someone else’s issues
Talking of boundaries, set some with your boyfriend about communication and travel.

Give yourself time to enjoy the whole experience at uni by joining the clubs and societies, and exploring off campus too; find activities in the local area and suss out the restaurants, bars and places of interest that you can take people who visit you (family, friends, boyfriend). Don't go dashing home most weekends and arrange to share travel to each other. Invite him so he can see and get a better understanding of your life. However, be wary if he's not interested in meeting your uni friends or looking around the place, and just wants to cosy up with you for a whole weekend.

Once you have a timetable, arrange to speak with/Facetime your boyfriend at times when it should be quiet. Make sure he is aware that this could change if you are busy with coursework and exams, and socialising; don't miss out on something just for a call. And he should understand that sometimes you will be stressed with it all.

LDRs can work; I did for years with my boyfriend as we were both in the military with completely different jobs, so on completely different career schedules and sometimes on different continents, let alone different bases. It just takes commitment and understanding, and in your case there's an end to it in a few years.

How long distance are you going to be?
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Stb1750
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(Original post by Surnia)
Talking of boundaries, set some with your boyfriend about communication and travel.

Give yourself time to enjoy the whole experience at uni by joining the clubs and societies, and exploring off campus too; find activities in the local area and suss out the restaurants, bars and places of interest that you can take people who visit you (family, friends, boyfriend). Don't go dashing home most weekends and arrange to share travel to each other. Invite him so he can see and get a better understanding of your life. However, be wary if he's not interested in meeting your uni friends or looking around the place, and just wants to cosy up with you for a whole weekend.

Once you have a timetable, arrange to speak with/Facetime your boyfriend at times when it should be quiet. Make sure he is aware that this could change if you are busy with coursework and exams, and socialising; don't miss out on something just for a call. And he should understand that sometimes you will be stressed with it all.

LDRs can work; I did for years with my boyfriend as we were both in the military with completely different jobs, so on completely different career schedules and sometimes on different continents, let alone different bases. It just takes commitment and understanding, and in your case there's an end to it in a few years.

How long distance are you going to be?
I'm not in the same position as the OP but I am glad I read your response. It definitely gave me a new perspective from my response as it's almost unheard of for LDR's to work. The typical cliche is that it will be hard and difficult which is easy to understand and to speculate with the popular belief that LDR's are common to failure.
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