Pressure to have a baby

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T---
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Hey I'm 20 years old and I've been in a relationship just over a year and engaged for 8 months. I've never been the type to want a baby, I come from a big family being one of 7 children. I have experience of looking after my brothers for years. I care for my brothers and I don't dislike children but I know that I really don't want to take that route in life. My fiancé knew my opinion before we got into a relationship and he was well aware that I wouldn't change my mind and although he does want children of his own he accepted my choice.

I now have pressure from all angles. My parents and older sisters say I will change my mind eventually. My in-laws brought it up the other day and they were disappointed when I said I didn't want any. They hit me with "But *** would be such a good dad", "children aren't all bad" , "Not even one?", "As long as you love each other what's the issue?". It really annoyed me and what made it worse was that my fiancé was standing next to me and even he chipped in to say his part of wanting one.

He's also started to say that he thinks I will change my mind and it's frustrating how he hasn't taken my decision seriously.

We're not in any way ready for children at this age but they all expect me to have one in the future.

Any advice, would be much appreciated thanks
Last edited by T---; 7 months ago
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faith43211
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I can assure you no (/extremly small percentage) man do not want to have a child in the future. Get married first though if you do consider having one but at the end of the day it is your life
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Surnia
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Whilst the parents and in-laws sound like they want to babysit, it's not them that will carry a baby for 9 months, be up at all hours to feed and change, know the pain of standing on a stray piece of Lego and fund the lifestyle for who know how many years!

Tell them firmly it's a decision for you and your fiancee. If you two are happy with it, fine, though a. it can be difficult when partners have differing views on children, so do make sure you are in total agreement on this, and it's not something that could cause problems in the future and b. never say never (at least in of earshot of the families) because you may feel differently in future.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Surnia)
Whilst the parents and in-laws sound like they want to babysit, it's not them that will carry a baby for 9 months, be up at all hours to feed and change, know the pain of standing on a stray piece of Lego and fund the lifestyle for who know how many years!

Tell them firmly it's a decision for you and your fiancee. If you two are happy with it, fine, though a. it can be difficult when partners have differing views on children, so do make sure you are in total agreement on this, and it's not something that could cause problems in the future and b. never say never (at least in of earshot of the families) because you may feel differently in future.
Hi thanks for replying. That's what I am worried about having different views as he did say in the past that he was ok with not having one and that I was more important to him than having a baby . But now it's a different story. Its a tricky situation as I know the future could hold anything and I may grow to want one some day but I also don't want to firmly say yes and give him false hope. I have tried many times to sit down with him and tell him that if he wants one that we probably are better off not being together as I don't want to hold him back. It just doesn't seem like its sinking in his head though.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by faith43211)
I can assure you no (/extremly small percentage) man do not want to have a child in the future. Get married first though if you do consider having one but at the end of the day it is your life
Thank you my fiancé has no experience with children and isn't around any children to know how much of a pain they are so I suppose he would regret it hahah
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Surnia
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi thanks for replying. That's what I am worried about having different views as he did say in the past that he was ok with not having one and that I was more important to him than having a baby . But now it's a different story. Its a tricky situation as I know the future could hold anything and I may grow to want one some day but I also don't want to firmly say yes and give him false hope. I have tried many times to sit down with him and tell him that if he wants one that we probably are better off not being together as I don't want to hold him back. It just doesn't seem like its sinking in his head though.
Is your fiance very close in age to you? I think sometimes both males and females have this idealised view of having children, and for some men it's this idea of continuing their gene pool and having a child to play football with in the garden, forgetting everything that leads up to that point and comes after!

I'm also from a big family, so when you have younger siblings you see (and lend a hand in?) all the proceedings and understand more about the parental responsibilities, like the finances.

I think you need to really pin down your fiancé to a discussion where, even if it's over a few evenings, you come to an agreement, and that could be you both tell your families to butt out (nicely), you ask him all kinds of questions to try and make him understand what having children involves, and that you may change your mind, but you need to be stable with finances and a suitable place to live. How far down the line are you with wedding planning? Sounds awful, but a long engagement might give you time to sort this one way or another. Not been in this position myself, and don't know personally know anyone else who has; I'm just coming at this from things I've heard and common sense. So difficult, I really feel for you, but can't advise anything else
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faith43211
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you my fiancé has no experience with children and isn't around any children to know how much of a pain they are so I suppose he would regret it hahah
It depends man children are a blessing and they can completely change a person. Men usually have a much more significant effect emotionally as woman do physically, you'd probably find that it'd bring something out in him you've never seen the fact he has no experience with children all but means that he will yearn for children much much more
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xjxjx
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(Original post by T---)
Hey I'm 20 years old and I've been in a relationship just over a year and engaged for 8 months. I've never been the type to want a baby, I come from a big family being one of 7 children. I have experience of looking after my brothers for years. I care for my brothers and I don't dislike children but I know that I really don't want to take that route in life. My fiancé knew my opinion before we got into a relationship and he was well aware that I wouldn't change my mind and although he does want children of his own he accepted my choice.

I now have pressure from all angles. My parents and older sisters say I will change my mind eventually. My in-laws brought it up the other day and they were disappointed when I said I didn't want any. They hit me with "But *** would be such a good dad", "children aren't all bad" , "Not even one?", "As long as you love each other what's the issue?". It really annoyed me and what made it worse was that my fiancé was standing next to me and even he chipped in to say his part of wanting one.

He's also started to say that he thinks I will change my mind and it's frustrating how he hasn't taken my decision seriously.

We're not in any way ready for children at this age but they all expect me to have one in the future.

Any advice, would be much appreciated thanks
At the end of the day it is your body and you get to decide what you do with it. You can’t let anyone pressure you into how you will spend the rest of your life because a baby is not something you can get rid of whenever you want
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faith43211
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(Original post by xjxjx)
At the end of the day it is your body and you get to decide what you do with it. You can’t let anyone pressure you into how you will spend the rest of your life because a baby is not something you can get rid of whenever you want
Last time I checked it takes 2 to make a child?
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xjxjx
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(Original post by faith43211)
Last time I checked it takes 2 to make a child?
Yes, what’s your point? When did I ever say it didn’t? Either way it’s HER body and he knew she didn’t want a child before so he should accept that. If a child was that important to him he should’ve gone for someone who wants one rather than letting her feel so pressured.
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bones-mccoy
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(Original post by faith43211)
Last time I checked it takes 2 to make a child?
It does, but you can't force someone to have a child if they don't want one

It's okay for the man to want kids but he's not taking on all the risks and unpleasantries of a 9 month pregnancy
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username5231288
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So your partner wants children, and you don't. This relationship sounds like in the long-run, one party may end up being unhappy. Having children (or not) is one of those things you need to be on the same page on if you plan to build a life together.
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a78475
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(Original post by T---)
Hey I'm 20 years old and I've been in a relationship just over a year and engaged for 8 months. I've never been the type to want a baby, I come from a big family being one of 7 children. I have experience of looking after my brothers for years. I care for my brothers and I don't dislike children but I know that I really don't want to take that route in life. My fiancé knew my opinion before we got into a relationship and he was well aware that I wouldn't change my mind and although he does want children of his own he accepted my choice.

I now have pressure from all angles. My parents and older sisters say I will change my mind eventually. My in-laws brought it up the other day and they were disappointed when I said I didn't want any. They hit me with "But *** would be such a good dad", "children aren't all bad" , "Not even one?", "As long as you love each other what's the issue?". It really annoyed me and what made it worse was that my fiancé was standing next to me and even he chipped in to say his part of wanting one.

He's also started to say that he thinks I will change my mind and it's frustrating how he hasn't taken my decision seriously.

We're not in any way ready for children at this age but they all expect me to have one in the future.

Any advice, would be much appreciated thanks
I know exactly how you feel, I am constantly being told by my parents that I will change my mind. It is your body and only you should decide whether you want children or not, never feel pressured about doing anything. It is also important that your partner respects your decision, he knew how you felt before you got into a relationship, so shouldn't expect you to just change your mind because he wants a child, it doesn't work like that
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sinfonietta
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If your fiancé wants a child and you don't then its time to reconsider whether marriage is really a good idea here. It sounds like you have different, incompatible views for your future.
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AzureCeleste
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(Original post by sinfonietta)
If your fiancé wants a child and you don't then its time to reconsider whether marriage is really a good idea here. It sounds like you have different, incompatible views for your future.
Would like to echo this
You need to have a proper discussion with him and make it clear that the chances you wanting children are very slim and he needs to be okay with the idea that you may never have a child. He clearly is under the influence you will change your mind but if you don't think you will then he needs to know that
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SophMHaugh
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(Original post by T---)
Hey I'm 20 years old and I've been in a relationship just over a year and engaged for 8 months. I've never been the type to want a baby, I come from a big family being one of 7 children. I have experience of looking after my brothers for years. I care for my brothers and I don't dislike children but I know that I really don't want to take that route in life. My fiancé knew my opinion before we got into a relationship and he was well aware that I wouldn't change my mind and although he does want children of his own he accepted my choice.

I now have pressure from all angles. My parents and older sisters say I will change my mind eventually. My in-laws brought it up the other day and they were disappointed when I said I didn't want any. They hit me with "But *** would be such a good dad", "children aren't all bad" , "Not even one?", "As long as you love each other what's the issue?". It really annoyed me and what made it worse was that my fiancé was standing next to me and even he chipped in to say his part of wanting one.

He's also started to say that he thinks I will change my mind and it's frustrating how he hasn't taken my decision seriously.

We're not in any way ready for children at this age but they all expect me to have one in the future.

Any advice, would be much appreciated thanks
Will all due respect (and a big congratulations!) this sounds very rushed. Don't start trying until you are 100% certain and excited that this is what you want - a baby should be something you're excited for, not a lingering burdening the back of your mind.
Tell him you need time - if you're carrying it for 9 months inside your body, YOU get to choose when that is.
Remind him that he's pressuring you into it when you KNOW you aren't ready yet, he needs to think about you as his fiancé and how you aren't ready.
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Miss Maddie
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(Original post by sinfonietta)
If your fiancé wants a child and you don't then its time to reconsider whether marriage is really a good idea here. It sounds like you have different, incompatible views for your future.
What? no! She's 20. She hasn't fully grown up. How many mothers wanted kids at 20? When she's 25 she'll feel different

T--- you're still young. Your fiance sounds older than you/more willing to settle down. Stick at the relationship for a few more years. If he loved you that wouldn't be a problem. When you're a few years older you'll feel differently about kids
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username5231288
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(Original post by Miss Maddie)
What? no! She's 20. She hasn't fully grown up. How many mothers wanted kids at 20? When she's 25 she'll feel different

T--- you're still young. Your fiance sounds older than you/more willing to settle down. Stick at the relationship for a few more years. If he loved you that wouldn't be a problem. When you're a few years older you'll feel differently about kids
Plenty of people know from a very young age they don't want children.
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Anonymous #2
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You sound dead set against having kids, can I ask what are your reasons for feeling this strongly?
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a78475
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(Original post by Miss Maddie)
What? no! She's 20. She hasn't fully grown up. How many mothers wanted kids at 20? When she's 25 she'll feel different

T--- you're still young. Your fiance sounds older than you/more willing to settle down. Stick at the relationship for a few more years. If he loved you that wouldn't be a problem. When you're a few years older you'll feel differently about kids
Not true, I am 25 this year and I am still adamant that I don't want children, I feel the exact same as I did years ago. I hate the fact people think its the norm to have children, sometimes people just don't want to.
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