My mom dislikes me

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linctavia
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#1
Report Thread starter 2 years ago
#1
So I’m pretty sure my mom doesn’t care about me at all.
Ever since she broke up with my dad she developed this coping mechanism that’s basically ‘her not caring about anything’ in order to keep sane. She basically emotionally disconnected from me and my brother just like she was forced to do with my dad tlk except with us she didn’t realize she disconnected. She just thought that since my dad left everything will be fine but it wasn’t because my bro developed mental heath issues and my mom blames it on the fact that ‘my dad left us’ even though it’s actually on the fact that she disconnected from us despite still being in the same house. She left us emotionally. We told her many times that we don’t feel emotionally supported but she just turns the conversation to herself saying she has to do everything on her own so we should too.
Anyway my brother is the type of person who won’t bother unless he has something to get out of things. So he won’t bother to tell her that she’s become distant or uncaring.
I on the other hand will gladly let her know, and the sad thing is she thinks I say these things to hurt her whereas I actually point them out to her in order to help them notice and change it.
But you know how that saying goes, ‘when the truth is spoken, no one is a fan’. So whenever I tell her that she’s not emotionally supportive which is the truth, she instead sees it as me attacking her and being her enemy instead of me expressing how I feel. So consequently, because she thinks I’m ‘attacking’ her no matter how much I try to make her understand, she automatically started disliking me. Some people don’t like the truth so they won’t like the person who speaks it either.
But I think her dislike towards me has gotten to a point where she doesn’t care about me at all.
And I’m not exaggerating.
I also noticed because she treats my brother in an okay manner even if he’s mean to her but treats me in a very horrible way as if I’m planning to destroy her. This is because as I mentioned, my brother isn’t the type of person who’ll tell her how he feels or that she changed her attitude towards us whereas I do and apparently I get **** for it.
Me and her keep getting in arguments and she’s the one who starts them. She’ll literally come back from work and find every excuse in order to call me out and start a fight to blame me for things. She honestly doesn’t want me in the house.
She’s also namecalling me and even ****talks about me to my brother. I don’t like it. I understand she might be doing this cause she thinks I’m judging her but I’m only pointing out her behavior towards us because I want her to spot it too and change it. But she doesn’t realize. She instead says really hurtful things to me and blames me for everything.

This isn’t good for my mental health and in general this is becoming very toxic. And I think it’s really unfair because I mean well but she doesn’t care.

Tonight I pointed out to her that we’re not really a family. And it’s true. This isn’t how families operate.
I know it was harsh but I did it to make her realize. Cause she hasn’t realized it herself. She thinks everything is fine and that if any problems occur is just because we’re annoying kids. But we’re not really a family and even strangers can tell.
As soon as I said this she started blaming me of course and then she locked herself in the room. I could hear she was crying and tbh I’m glad my comment touched her so much because it means she will realize and try to change things for the better? And don’t get me wrong in no way do I want my momma crying but the fact that she finally showed some emotional and care tells me that it really got into her and she might finally try and improve things and family.

Anyway I knocked on the door and let her know that if she opens we can talk calmly but she didn’t open the door.

I just wanna have a normal calm conversation about everything where she truly listens instead of putting up a defense mechanism. I truly think if she realizes how she’s treating us she’ll chage her mind. Im more than happy to explain it her

I honestly don’t want my mom to hate me. But I can’t keep up with her toxic attitude without doing anything, without pointing out to her that her behavior is wrong. But instead whenever I do she starts expecting her dislike.

What would you do to restore this relationship?
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felix obekpa
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#2
Report 2 years ago
#2
sitting your mother down and talking to her in a respectful manner. Your dad leaving has really caused a damage to her life.Now she thinks a lot. So what's your mom needs now is support from both of you at this trying moments.
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catayzz24
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#3
Report 2 years ago
#3
Respect your mother. You may be struggling but you need to think about her aswell. She has to take the brunt of everything so she needs some support. She may not want it but it's your job to give it to her
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linctavia
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#4
Report Thread starter 2 years ago
#4
My dad and her actually broke up 5 years ago. So it’s not fresh. Of course when they did I was there for her and supported her and then she got over it and rn she even has a bf. So it’s not like I need to sit down and tell her it’s gonna be okay because it didn’t happen now but 5 years passed.
I am talking to her in a respectful manner. I told her I really respect the fact that she raised us with her own money. But the thing is because she supports us financially she thinks she covers the emotional support part as well. But that’s not the case and my brother told our grandmother a year ago and she agreed that just because she offers the financial support doesn’t mean she covers the emotional one.
My mom doesn’t realize it tho.
Regardless I still respect her but she doesn’t respect me. Like when she returns from work she’d start attacking me out of nowhere saying things like ‘you’ve been doing nothing all day and you’re only waiting for me to bring food’ or ‘why is your book still on the table, you’re leaving stuff around just like your father did’. And she says even more harsh comments without me actually provoking her or anything so then I feel hurt and start to talk back or tell her to leave but she continues making those comments and starts shouting and then a fight starts.
She is starting fights out of nowhere. Like I get it maybe she had a tough day at work but I’m not her punching bag. And even when she’s in a good mood she still makes those comments. So I guess it’s not the fact that she comes home tired but actually the way she feels about me.

And she can’t expect me to be all nice when she’s making hurtful comments all the time. Especially out of nowhere.
That’s not how a mother is. That’s why I said we’re not a family

I was actually in student accommodation and returned back home. And one of my classmates texted me saying ‘I’m glad you got home, your family must be really happy to have you back’. And you can imagine, I didn’t know how to respond to her. I’d respond with a ‘lol they’re definitely not’ but I didn’t. But notice how she has an idea of a normal family and she thinks mine is normal. But it’s not. I mean yes the right thing would be for them to be happy I’m back but they’re not. My mom pulled of a fake smile when she saw me and please note she hasn’t seen me in months
Last edited by linctavia; 2 years ago
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londonmyst
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#5
Report 1 month ago
#5
(Original post by linctavia)
I kid you not, what you described is as if my 20 year old self wrote it. The same thing happened when my mom and dad divorced. The SAME thing.

It is indeed very unfair for you to be the one who has to do all the work even nurturing your mom when you've been so hurt by this situation, believe me i went through it word for word and I know how it feels. Im sorry you have to experience this.

I will tell you my thoughts and advise as I have had the same thing happen but please take this with a grain of salt in case you dont feel it applies.

Your mom right now is not in a position to face the truth. You have done well for being upfront and expressive with your feelings, after all you voiced it in order to fix it right? Unfortunately, even if you did the right thing, she simply is not in a position to see the truth or your effort and good intentions.
She cannot accept the truth of her divorcing which is why she withdrew and went cold, so how can she accept or even realize that her coldness has consequences? That's an even further truth which she cannot swallow.

I too, have told my mom we are not really a family. She too locked herself in her room and started crying. I dont know what the aftermath of that is like in your case but I hope as you said that it really touched her and made her realize that this situation isnt good for any of you and you have to stick together. My mom did not realize that, instead she only saw this as another attack and went more cold with me.
If you dont see that your honest viewpoint has shook her enough to act and fix it, then I would recommend sitting down and talking to her..but do not express the truth, only express your good intentions. Let her know that you are there for her (I know she should be the one to do this to her kids but clearly she cannot), that you only mean well, that you want to be a family even if your dad isnt there, let her know you know how much she is struggling and you're willing to help her..but beware dont let her put all the weight on you, just take the initiative for a little bit to help her get out of her own head.

Also, please consider a therapist. Its best to search for a therapist who works with families. You can suggest it to her, maybe she can go or all of you will. If she doesnt want to, it will benefit you to go even if its on your own. You can explain the situation and how you feel and Im sure they can guide you accordingly.

Since you saw that telling the truth has a different reaction on her than the one you'd expect, then refrain from expressing the truths especially if they are harsh. She clearly cannot handle it. Its not fair for you to be framed as the bad person just because she cannot handle the truth. So just be there for her and express your good intentions. Watch a movie with her, go to a park. Let her know you can support each other.
Your 20 year old self probably did start the thread and write the initial posts 2 years ago.
I hope that your life has improved since then and you don't have to spent much timewith your mother.
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Ira Acedia
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#6
Report 1 month ago
#6
(Original post by linctavia)
I kid you not, what you described is as if my 20 year old self wrote it. The same thing happened when my mom and dad divorced. The SAME thing.

It is indeed very unfair for you to be the one who has to do all the work even nurturing your mom when you've been so hurt by this situation, believe me i went through it word for word and I know how it feels. Im sorry you have to experience this.

I will tell you my thoughts and advise as I have had the same thing happen but please take this with a grain of salt in case you dont feel it applies.

Your mom right now is not in a position to face the truth. You have done well for being upfront and expressive with your feelings, after all you voiced it in order to fix it right? Unfortunately, even if you did the right thing, she simply is not in a position to see the truth or your effort and good intentions.
She cannot accept the truth of her divorcing which is why she withdrew and went cold, so how can she accept or even realize that her coldness has consequences? That's an even further truth which she cannot swallow.

I too, have told my mom we are not really a family. She too locked herself in her room and started crying. I dont know what the aftermath of that is like in your case but I hope as you said that it really touched her and made her realize that this situation isnt good for any of you and you have to stick together. My mom did not realize that, instead she only saw this as another attack and went more cold with me.
If you dont see that your honest viewpoint has shook her enough to act and fix it, then I would recommend sitting down and talking to her..but do not express the truth, only express your good intentions. Let her know that you are there for her (I know she should be the one to do this to her kids but clearly she cannot), that you only mean well, that you want to be a family even if your dad isnt there, let her know you know how much she is struggling and you're willing to help her..but beware dont let her put all the weight on you, just take the initiative for a little bit to help her get out of her own head.

Also, please consider a therapist. Its best to search for a therapist who works with families. You can suggest it to her, maybe she can go or all of you will. If she doesnt want to, it will benefit you to go even if its on your own. You can explain the situation and how you feel and Im sure they can guide you accordingly.

Since you saw that telling the truth has a different reaction on her than the one you'd expect, then refrain from expressing the truths especially if they are harsh. She clearly cannot handle it. Its not fair for you to be framed as the bad person just because she cannot handle the truth. So just be there for her and express your good intentions. Watch a movie with her, go to a park. Let her know you can support each other.
Ehm... you posted this on the same account that made this thread 2 years ago.
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linctavia
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#7
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#7
LMAO im dumb, i guess this was in my feed and i didnt notice the username.
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iL1L
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#8
Report 1 month ago
#8
:rofl:
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linctavia
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#9
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#9
you can imagine the state I'm in lmao
its interesting what I would say to myself
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