mia_jaja
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#1
Report Thread starter 7 months ago
#1
English isn't my first language so I'm looking for help. If anyone could correct me.

As the boat got closer, I recognized her face, and I instantly freeze in shock when I hear her say the next words.

I feel empty, dead, lifeless; it is like I'm alive but not exactly living. I've always felt like this, well ever since my best friend, Love, passed away five years ago. After that, I realized that I didn't have anyone to talk, share my secrets, or get in trouble with anymore. She was my only friend. She was the only person who genuinely ever cared for me. I know you might think that I should be over it that it has been a long time since she passed away, but the truth is I can never seem to get over her even after all these years— "Ugh," I hear myself mutter as I'm pulled away from my thoughts by the ringing sound of the school bell indicating break time. I get up and head to the school cafeteria, where my friends greet me. As I'm reaching my bag to take out my food, I notice the big bruise on my wrist from earlier this morning. Soon later, the memories of this morning slowly start flooding my mind, "GET UP," I hear my dad shouting at me. When he sees that I still haven't woken up, I feel him yank both my wrists. That's when I sense a jolting pain surging through my wrists, causing me to sit up abruptly. "I SAID GET UP AND GO PREPARE BREAKFAST YOU-" my dad suddenly stops speaking as he hears the sound of my door opening where my mom comes in, "What's going on honey?", mom asks, "Oh nothing love, I was just waking up Merit to go to school," dad replies in a sickeningly sweet tone, "Oh all right" I hear my mom mumbling as she kisses my cheek and leaves my room. I look back up at my dad only to see him mouthing 'next time,' and then he pushes past me shutting the door, quite forcefully, may I add. I quickly come back to my senses when I hear one of my friends shouting, "EARTH TO MERIT." I notice that I've been frozen for the last minutes as I recalled the horrible memory of this morning. "Are you okay, Merit," asks the same friend, looking uninterested in whatever I have to say, so I plaster a big fake smile on my face, and say, "Yes, I'm great—just stressing over midterms." After break time, I attend the rest of my classes that pass by in a hurry. Now is the end of the school day, so I walk to my bus and take my seat.

As the bus gets closer to my house, I feel a bit sick knowing that my moms at work and that I'll be spending the rest of my day with my dad since he took the day off, claiming that he wants to "spend some time with his lovely daughter." Well, that's at least what he told mom. Usually, if Love were still here, we would be back at her house whenever my dad decided to stay home. Unfortunately, Love is gone, and I have no one that cares about me, so staying over at hers isn't an option anymore. I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling; all I can say is that it burns deep in my soul....a lot. I don't know if I'm depressed. I usually am unaware of what goes on in my surroundings. I feel detached from reality most of the time. I forgot how it felt to be happy. I don't remember the last time I felt any kind of emotion. If I'm honest, I think the thought of me leaving might actually be the only thing that'll bring me peace. Maybe I'll get peace soon enough. I would've never imagined I'd turn out to be like this. I always was this bright, happy person that got excited over the littlest things and always looked at life in a very positive, optimistic way even with all the horrible stuff my dad has put me through. It wouldn't have mattered, Love was by my side, but now I'm alone with no one to offer me comfort.

The loud honk of the bus pulls me away from my thoughts, revealing that I've reached home. Sheeesh, what's going on with me and snapping out every single second. Anyways, I get out of the bus and walk over to my doorstep to enter inside when suddenly I feel strong arms gripping me tightly and digging into my skin. That's when I wake up thinking it was all a dream till I see the nail marks on my skin before drifting off to sleep again.

I'm not scared cause this time; I see Love. She's coming closer, and I can hear her say, "You're coming with me," as she wraps her arms around me, holding me tightly, never letting go of me taking me away with her. An overwhelming sense of joy confounds me. And I know that I'm certainly coming. Peace.
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S3_Ella
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#2
Report 7 months ago
#2
I've made some grammatical corrections, and changed a few of the sentence structures.

-----------------------------------------------

As the boat got closer, I recognise her face, and I instantly freeze in shock when I hear her say the next words.

I feel empty, dead, lifeless; it is like I'm alive but not exactly living. I've always felt like this, at least ever since my best friend, Love, passed away five years ago. After that, I realized that I didn't have anyone to talk to, share my secrets with, or get in trouble with anymore. She was my only friend. She was the only person who ever genuinely cared for me. I know you might think that I should be over it that it has been a long time since she passed away, but the truth is I can never seem to get over her, even after all these years— "Ugh," I hear myself mutter as the bell rings for break time.

I get up and head to the school cafeteria, where my friends greet me. As I'm reaching my bag to take out my food, I notice the big bruise on my wrist from earlier this morning. The memories of this morning slowly start flooding my mind, "GET UP," I remember hearing my dad shouting at me. When he saw that I still haven't woken up, I felt him yank both my wrists. That's when I felt a jolting pain surging through my wrists, causing me to sit up abruptly. "I SAID GET UP AND GO PREPARE BREAKFAST YOU-" my dad suddenly stopped shouting as he heard the sound of my door opening where my mom comes in, "What's going on honey?", mom asked, "Oh nothing love, I was just waking up Merit to go to school," dad replied, in a sickeningly sweet tone, "Oh all right" I heard my mom mumbling as she kissed my cheek and left my room. I looked back up at my dad only to see him mouthing 'next time.' He pushed past me shutting the door - quite forcefully, may I add.

I quickly come back to my senses when I hear one of my friends shouting, "EARTH TO MERIT." I notice that I've been frozen for the last few minutes as I recalled the horrible memory of this morning. "Are you okay, Merit," asks the same friend, looking uninterested in whatever I have to say, so I plaster a big fake smile on my face, and say, "Yes, I'm great—just stressing over midterms."

After break time, I go to the rest of my classes, and they pass by in a hurry. Now it is the end of the school day, so I walk to my bus and take my seat.

As the bus gets closer to my house, I feel a bit sick knowing that my mom's at work and that I'll be spending the rest of my day with my dad since he took the day off, claiming that he wants to "spend some time with his lovely daughter." Well, that's at least what he told mom. Usually, if Love were still here, we would be back at her house whenever my dad decided to stay home. Unfortunately, Love is gone, and I have no one that cares about me, so staying over at hers isn't an option anymore. I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling; all I can say is that it burns deep in my soul....a lot. I don't know if I'm depressed. I'm usually unaware of what goes on in my surroundings. I feel detached from reality most of the time. I forgot how it felt to be happy. I don't remember the last time I felt any kind of emotion. If I'm honest, I think the thought of me leaving might actually be the only thing that'll bring me peace. Maybe I'll get peace soon enough. I would've never imagined I'd turn out to be like this. I was always this bright, happy person that got excited over the littlest things and always looked at life in a very positive, optimistic way even with all the horrible stuff my dad has put me through. It wouldn't have mattered, Love was by my side, but now I'm alone with no one to offer me comfort.

The loud honk of the bus pulls me away from my thoughts, revealing that I've reached home. Sheeesh, what's going on with me and snapping out every single second. Anyways, I get out of the bus and walk over to my doorstep to enter inside when suddenly I feel strong arms gripping me tightly and digging into my skin. That's when I wake up thinking it was all a dream till I see the nail marks on my skin before drifting off to sleep again.

I'm not scared cause this time; I see Love. She's coming closer, and I can hear her say, "You're coming with me," as she wraps her arms around me, holding me tightly, never letting go of me taking me away with her. An overwhelming sense of joy confounds me. And I know that I'm certainly coming. Peace.
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mia_jaja
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#3
Report Thread starter 7 months ago
#3
(Original post by S3_Ella)
I've made some grammatical corrections, and changed a few of the sentence structures.

-----------------------------------------------

As the boat got closer, I recognise her face, and I instantly freeze in shock when I hear her say the next words.

I feel empty, dead, lifeless; it is like I'm alive but not exactly living. I've always felt like this, at least ever since my best friend, Love, passed away five years ago. After that, I realized that I didn't have anyone to talk to, share my secrets with, or get in trouble with anymore. She was my only friend. She was the only person who ever genuinely cared for me. I know you might think that I should be over it that it has been a long time since she passed away, but the truth is I can never seem to get over her, even after all these years— "Ugh," I hear myself mutter as the bell rings for break time.

I get up and head to the school cafeteria, where my friends greet me. As I'm reaching my bag to take out my food, I notice the big bruise on my wrist from earlier this morning. The memories of this morning slowly start flooding my mind, "GET UP," I remember hearing my dad shouting at me. When he saw that I still haven't woken up, I felt him yank both my wrists. That's when I felt a jolting pain surging through my wrists, causing me to sit up abruptly. "I SAID GET UP AND GO PREPARE BREAKFAST YOU-" my dad suddenly stopped shouting as he heard the sound of my door opening where my mom comes in, "What's going on honey?", mom asked, "Oh nothing love, I was just waking up Merit to go to school," dad replied, in a sickeningly sweet tone, "Oh all right" I heard my mom mumbling as she kissed my cheek and left my room. I looked back up at my dad only to see him mouthing 'next time.' He pushed past me shutting the door - quite forcefully, may I add.

I quickly come back to my senses when I hear one of my friends shouting, "EARTH TO MERIT." I notice that I've been frozen for the last few minutes as I recalled the horrible memory of this morning. "Are you okay, Merit," asks the same friend, looking uninterested in whatever I have to say, so I plaster a big fake smile on my face, and say, "Yes, I'm great—just stressing over midterms."

After break time, I go to the rest of my classes, and they pass by in a hurry. Now it is the end of the school day, so I walk to my bus and take my seat.

As the bus gets closer to my house, I feel a bit sick knowing that my mom's at work and that I'll be spending the rest of my day with my dad since he took the day off, claiming that he wants to "spend some time with his lovely daughter." Well, that's at least what he told mom. Usually, if Love were still here, we would be back at her house whenever my dad decided to stay home. Unfortunately, Love is gone, and I have no one that cares about me, so staying over at hers isn't an option anymore. I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling; all I can say is that it burns deep in my soul....a lot. I don't know if I'm depressed. I'm usually unaware of what goes on in my surroundings. I feel detached from reality most of the time. I forgot how it felt to be happy. I don't remember the last time I felt any kind of emotion. If I'm honest, I think the thought of me leaving might actually be the only thing that'll bring me peace. Maybe I'll get peace soon enough. I would've never imagined I'd turn out to be like this. I was always this bright, happy person that got excited over the littlest things and always looked at life in a very positive, optimistic way even with all the horrible stuff my dad has put me through. It wouldn't have mattered, Love was by my side, but now I'm alone with no one to offer me comfort.

The loud honk of the bus pulls me away from my thoughts, revealing that I've reached home. Sheeesh, what's going on with me and snapping out every single second. Anyways, I get out of the bus and walk over to my doorstep to enter inside when suddenly I feel strong arms gripping me tightly and digging into my skin. That's when I wake up thinking it was all a dream till I see the nail marks on my skin before drifting off to sleep again.

I'm not scared cause this time; I see Love. She's coming closer, and I can hear her say, "You're coming with me," as she wraps her arms around me, holding me tightly, never letting go of me taking me away with her. An overwhelming sense of joy confounds me. And I know that I'm certainly coming. Peace.
awwww thank you!! Overall, do you think the idea of the story is good and what did you understand gro the ending. I've actually changed the ending a bit bcz some people didnt understand what happened, "I'm not scared cause this time; I see Love. She's coming closer, and I can hear her say, "You're coming with me," as she wraps her arms around me, holding me tightly, never letting go of me taking me away with her on her boat. An overwhelming sense of joy confounds me as I see where I must be and oh my lord, how beautiful this place is. Words can't seem to describe how stunning it is-finally, peace at last."
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S3_Ella
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#4
Report 7 months ago
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I think it’s good!
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mia_jaja
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#5
Report Thread starter 7 months ago
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(Original post by S3_Ella)
I think it’s good!
YAY! thank you so much :heart:
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