Travelling During Lockdown & Relationships

Hi,

(P.S. This is quite a long story!)

So this isn't really a question, I just want to get opinions/advice about a recent situation I had. (FYI, I'm a 22F- with strict, cultured, old-fashioned parents).

So I am a Uni Student and since the lock-down came into enforcement I have been living happily and independently in my own accommodation. With the current restrictions in place, the government has stressed that we should all stay at home. I honestly believe that my family has misunderstood this concept...

My Uni is quite far from my parents home, approx 2 hours away. I usually come back home during the holidays i.e. Christmas, Easter and Summer to spend some time with my family. I knew that this time around I may not have the chance to come back home because of the lock-down, however because my parents (especially my mum) are quite strict, its hard to say no to them.

To cut the long story short, my apartment ran out of electricity during the Easter bank holiday, and got myself into a complicated situation with my landlord (whole different story). To cut the long story short, I was left with no choice but to return home which counted as essential travel.

During my time spent at home, my mum had a discussion with me about my next visit (when I'll be coming back home). I told her that it wouldn't be until after the lock-down is over. She goes on to say that ''yeah but I see many people travelling on the train when I go to work, you wouldn't get stop''. I also mentioned that I have plenty of work to do, including my dissertation, portfolios and other important essays,and it wont be until after I submitted them, pending on whether lock-down is still in place then. She said ''well you can work remotely from home (parents home) , your university campus is shut, is your accommodation still opened?'' FYI, I don't live in Uni Halls, I'm privately renting, which I have explained to her plenty of times. I have told my mum the facts, but she refuses to listen. My dad however was more on the receptive side and understood my needs.

In addition, I'm in a strong, loving relationship with my boyfriend and we have been living together for almost 4 years. I definitely see him as husband material. I have kept this away from my parents, as they strictly forbid co-habitation. You can imagine the amount of trouble I will get into if they were to find out... To cut the long story short again, my mum has met my boyfriend once, and doesn't approve of my relationship. My mum suspects that I'm still linking up with him, even though I have denied it so many times.

I know I am hurting myself deep down, but I'm doing it to protect the relationship and myself and my boyfriend. I just don't feel like I ready yet to say the truth. Even if I do, only God knows how I'll explain the situation.

If anyone has any ideas or advice to how I can go on about my situations regarding travelling back home and my relationship, I will be mightily grateful.

Thanks for your time :smile:

Reply 1

ElmarNevel4

Your Mom sounds quite overbearing, considering you say that you are 22 years of age. You're an adult and should be able to make your own decisions.
Also, regarding your relationship, it's understandble why you are trying to protect it, 4 years is a long time. You must love him.
In retrospect it doesn't sound like he is a problem considering you value the relationship that much and say it's strong and loving.
Maybe you need to think about having a talk with your Mom and telling her how you really feel about everything and explain that you need some space and support with the choice you want to make.

Good luck!!!!

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

Original post by ElmarNevel4

I agree.
Refer to this response.

Reply 3

Anonymous #2

I'm guessing you're needing advice because you don't want to be back at home?

If you are 22 and have been happily living independently in your own accommodation then why would you need to go back home? Are you not planning on continuing this? As the other reply has said, your mum does sound overbearing and maybe you should consider cutting the strings a bit so you have some space? Make it clear to your Mum and Dad about what you want to do with your life and do that, they can only advise you. At the end of the day, you're living your life, your Mum is living her life, so do what you want with it.

Seriously, consider having a talk with them to explain clearly what you want and go from there! :smile:

Reply 4

FeesBees

Hello!

If you say that your dad understands then maybe it's best to communicate with him about what you want to do? Some people just get along with one parent better than the other. However, your mum sounds really controlling and manipulative to you as a 22 yo. About your relationship, that's something personal and private to you so you have the right to come out about it when you are ready. People do things at their own pace and need time to settle into something and come to terms with it before they are ready to tell people. I feel sorry for your boyfriend because he is stuck in the middle and seems like you really want to be with him. You don't sound like you are doing anything wrong.
Good luck in your relationship and future! Everything will work out, give it time. :smile:

Reply 5

username5257202

Wow so I typed a post and it was sooo long I gave a lot of advice and it ****ing deleted ughhhhh that’s soooo annoying!
I hope you’re okay though good luck!

(edited 3 years ago)

Reply 6

Anonymous #3

My therapist just asked me what my earliest memory of my mom is, so I started telling her about my 5th birthday party.

My mom was throwing me a party for my birthday. It was going to be at my house with all my friends from kindergarten and my family. I was very excited and had been looking forward to it for awhile.

About two hours from the party, my mom took me to my room and told me that if I couldn’t clean my room up in time for the party she was going to cancel it. It was dirty, messy, and disorganized, like me. Of course, as a five year old, I couldn’t clean what she had allowed to become a disaster area, especially with no support from my parent who had never shown me how to clean up after myself (bc she also never cleans up after herself).

I was heartbroken about my party being canceled bc even from the start I knew I couldn’t clean it in time.

I don’t know why, but it took my therapist saying the words out loud to me : your mother would not have been able to cancel the party in two hours, especially over a room that she could have closed the door on. She probably didn’t send the invitations, make any plans, buy any supplies. Instead, she allowed her five year old daughter to think that she didn’t deserve a party because she was dirty, messy, and disorganized. And unfortunately for me, I really believed her.

What kind of person does that to their child? A narcissist.

Reply 7

Anonymous #3

Hello, I came across your question and this is what I have to say also: (22F)

This was me when I was 21 and finished university, I went home during holidays like you have been:

I have absolutely no freedom at home despite having financial stability and contributing to my family's expenses. For example, my curfew is at 8:00 pm. If I'm even 10 minutes late I get screamed at for hours on end. I have no freedom to wear what I want because it will be deemed too provocative. I have a very supportive significant other who I can barely see because they have to know every instance of who I'm seeing and what I'm doing at all hours and they do not know about his existence because if they did, i'd be under house arrest. I've tried to speak to them rationally about my reasons for moving out and how it's apart of life in my culture and they always respond with irrationality or just plain "you're not moving out till you're married". I've led my entire life trying my absolute hardest to please them in every way possible. The first time I ever disappointed them was when I told them I wasn't becoming a doctor. I think even to this day they harbor resentment towards me for not becoming one. I feel like everyday is a struggle to try and please them and it absolutely drives me nuts when I can't because I feel like I've failed them again. This was literally every holiday. And on the last few days of my holiday my Mother would constantly bug me and nag me about when I'll be coming home and what I'll be doing whilst I'm gone. This stage of the holidays being at home almost gave me depression and if I had stayed any longer I would have had depression several times that I went back during the holidays to my parent's house.

Since then, I have now graduated and decided to go with what I wanted to do, move out into the area where I studied for uni. I'm living with my partner now and it's the best experience I will ever have. I'm working Full-Time in my dream job role as a kindergarten teacher. My Mother obviously didn't want me to make this choice but, I chose to make this choice for my own sake, for my happiness and because I was old enough to do it. My Mum would always try to guilt me if i made the choice to move out of the family home by saying things like I'm abandoning the family but I knew that wasn't necessarily true as I had lived in the family home for almost 19 years and I just felt it wasn't for me. I preferred the independence. I just wanted to be with my partner and that's what made me happy. Of course, I told my Mother that she could regularly visit me and I will also regularly visit the family regardless. She would also say that I wouldn't have enough expenses to cover my Rent, Bills and food etc... But I can. Why? Because I have a Full-Time job and I'm only paying half the rent whilst my partner has a Full-Time job and is paying the other half, I have plenty of money left over to cover my expenses. Her saying these things were just manipulation techniques and things she would say to scare me to move back into the family home.

After, finally moving out I don't regret anything about it. I'm living the life that I want to live and it feels perfect to me. My Mother can only say or do so much to guilt and it won't work. You need to give yourself some time and space to do what you want with your life and have those who support your life choices, by your side, along the way. Whether you're living at your home, whether you're living at your Parent's home, Whether you're at work or school, or where ever you are, you're still going to be a family and part of that family. You will have to move out and start your life at some point, so why not now? Nothing should stop you chasing your dreams.

Firstly, I have never looked back but laughed at how petty my mother has been.
Secondly, moving out and becoming independent was the best decision I made.
Thirdly, I dormed all four years of college and developed so much as a person there by being independent.
Fourthly... well there's a lot

If I have to give you any advice it would be to follow your heart and do what makes you happy. So long as you have put a lot of thought into it of course. Your Mother can only do so much but advise you, your Father seems understanding about your life choices.
I hope my story gives you some inspiration and help, Good Luck!

Reply 8

KJones1998

You are 22... They have absolutely no control over you. You are in control over your own life and you make the decisions not them. Stand up for yourself and move out. Even when you get married or start dating someone it isn't going to change, they will not approve of any man who isn't rich and able to be controlled by them. You have to realize it sounds like they are less concerned about your happiness and well being and only about themselves. Stand up, take control, and live your life the way you want.

You have the financial stability and a supportive SO. Nothing is stopping you from leaving except your misguided devotion to pleasing people who can only be pleased if they have total control. If you have to cut ties with them, do it, because they aren't even treating you as an adult. When your family has such little respect for you, they don't deserve to be your family.

Stop letting them control you and live your life.

Reply 9

Jenner96

Hello,
Sorry if it's been mentioned. This past year, I was 22 and was forced into living with my mom and sister. (There is a whole other story as to why) I also had/have a boyfriend who is incredibly supportive even with long distance. But what I want to say is that YOU WILL LOSE YOUR SANITY if you stay. I almost did. I tried moving out 5 mo early, there was world war 3 in our apt and I'm sure neighboors/people were concerned. That last 5 months were incredibly hard. They constantly put words in my mouth that I hadn't said, lied and continued to take advantage of me and limit my time spent anywhere else. It's hard to leave family. But you have to do what makes you happy. You have to protect your own goals, happiness, achievements, hobbies. I finally moved out after a year and I'm finally gaining these things back. Now I wouldn't trade them for anything. And if my family isn't willing to respect that then that's the way it is and I'm not going to spend any extra emotional energy keeping them happy as well. It took forever for me to get to this point because I was always saying they're family you can't leave family. Well yes you can, if you dread going home at the end of the day. If you love your boyfriend then the best thing to do will be to just tell your parent's that you have started speaking again after college. Tell them that he is more focused now and that the qualities you see in him are what you look for in a potential partner. You need to give them reasons to also approve of your relationship, too.

Good Luck.