why is it so hard for some guys to get a girlfriend?

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ceylon99
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So many guys I know have wanted a girlfriend, but have never had one. Other guys like being single and wait until they settle before finding someone.

But I just wonder how the maths works behind this. I mean there are more women than men in a lot of these places, like universities, churches, and in society. Also if you include men who are not eligible, such as men in prisons, alcoholics, gay men, men who just never want to marry at all.

But surely this means that the numbers go for men, and against women. Especially degree educated men, who are in shortage compared to degree educated women who mostly would expect a man to be degree educated at least.

So what happens to these women when they reach 35+ and they haven't found a man to settle down with? Also this is assuming monogamy of course, unless there are many guys who have multiple girlfriends then that would answer why some guys can't get any girlfriend.
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Ghostlady
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Its down to personality and looks type.

You don't need maths to work out why guys cant get a girlfriend. Its all down to the individual, their personality, their 'type' and whether they want a relationship or not.

Some are just players, others f***buddies, one night stands, long term relationships, short term relationships, marriage material. This goes for men and women.
And also how confident someone is, whether they are funny, got chat, got banter, they into comic con, or gym fitness fanatic. Everyone has their type.
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kingyii1997
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Well, let us look at this question from several points of view. I will speak from my perspective as an Asian male with a Chinese background. Not all of them are like me!
1. Average looking. Let's be honest with this that all of us would want a partner with good looking and most people actually valued it more than the character of a person.
2. Not being flirty enough. Most girls actually expect the boys to start a conversation and continue it. They will start to find you boring if you failed to impress them or bringing out a new topic. I actually tried really hard by doing tons of research on those topics but still, I am single.
3. In my perspective, I prefer to be in a relationship with someone who I really wanted to get married. So I always think about the possibilities of getting married in the future. (This can bring harm and good!)
4. Low self-esteem. This is the most important reason! I am always afraid I am not good enough to be a good boyfriend. My past relationship had ruined my self-confidence as my appearance was being compared to her friend's boyfriend. After we broke up, I constantly questioned myself. Until I saw her posted her picture with current boyfriend after several months. I clearly understand I was not good looking enough and rich enough to provide her with what she actually wants. Not here to say that she is a gold digger. Until today, I always afraid that I am not good enough for someone and I am afraid I am not able to provide her with something that she really wants. I believe that bread and love must co-exist for a healthy relationship.

In my country (not China), the girl's parents usually demand the boy to have a house and a car before getting married. I am not saying this is wrong as every parents always want the best for their daughter. However, it is quite difficult for a boy at the age of 20s to afford a car and house. I've always wanted a girlfriend but the uncertain future stop me from getting one as I do not want to promise someone something that I can't be certain about.
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moggis
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I’m interested in the ‘maths’ part of this question as posed by the OP.
For on several occasions I have pondered a similar thing.
But not because I wanted a girlfriend but because I didn’t .
And I wondered if I should feel bad especially if there were many men like me out there.

But also I used to wonder where all the women on the tubes were going .
Because whenever I was on a Saturday evening tube train going into London I’d notice that at least half the carriage were female .
Yet the bars almost invariably had mostly males .*

Of course I now realise they must have been going to the bars where the footballers and famous men hung out (and to restaurants ).
But I was more naive then .
Another thing I noticed from sharing houses was just how many men I considered ok and reasonably attractive couldn’t get a girlfriend.

And it does seem that women are and were and always will be far too picky at times for their own good.

And when they get to 35 there must be some who have ostensibly missed out and in theory all those eligible men should be more able to snap them up then .

But that doesn’t happen as much as you’d think I believe.

And that’s because some of those men who fail to do well with women when young get embittered and unattractive to women when older while other men get used to being single and so become less attractive that way too. Having boring hobbies and /or being rubbish in bed can’t help.

Meanwhile the men who are successful, are impregnating enough women to make up for the losers so nature is satisfied with the outcome .

While the 35 year old single women often have either good jobs and nearly always a good social network and those that really want a child will have one by hook or by crook. And bring them up alone.

* One day however I discovered a great bar with great music that restricted the number of men . That would have been bad for me except I discovered that if you went really early you could get in and there was a happy hour too.
Oh my God . For two years I was in heaven.
I especially didn’t want a girlfriend when I discovered that place😀
Last edited by moggis; 7 months ago
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ceylon99
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(Original post by moggis)
I’m interested in the ‘maths’ part of this question as posed by the OP.
For on several occasions I have pondered a similar thing.
But not because I wanted a girlfriend but because I didn’t .
And I wondered if I should feel bad especially if there were many men like me out there.

But also I used to wonder where all the women on the tubes were going .
Because whenever I was on a Saturday evening tube train going into London I’d notice that at least half the carriage were female .
Yet the bars almost invariably had mostly males .*

Of course I now realise they must have been going to the bars where the footballers and famous men hung out (and to restaurants ).
But I was more naive then .
Another thing I noticed from sharing houses was just how many men I considered ok and reasonably attractive couldn’t get a girlfriend.

And it does seem that women are and were and always will be far too picky at times for their own good.

And when they get to 35 there must be some who have ostensibly missed out and in theory all those eligible men should be more able to snap them up then .

But that doesn’t happen as much as you’d think I believe.

And that’s because some of those men who fail to do well with women when young get embittered and unattractive to women when older while other men get used to being single and so become less attractive that way too. Having boring hobbies and /or being rubbish in bed can’t help.

Meanwhile the men who are successful, are impregnating enough women to make up for the losers so nature is satisfied with the outcome .

While the 35 year old single women often have either good jobs and nearly always a good social network and those that really want a child will have one by hook or by crook. And bring them up alone.

* One day however I discovered a great bar with great music that restricted the number of men . That would have been bad for me except I discovered that if you went really early you could get in and there was a happy hour too.
Oh my God . For two years I was in heaven.
I especially didn’t want a girlfriend when I discovered that place😀
I don't think many of them hook up with a random guy to have a kid. It does happen, but it's rare.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/u...e-5332935.html

this research found that a third of graduate women won't have children, which is a lot.
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ceylon99
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(Original post by kingyii1997)
Well, let us look at this question from several points of view. I will speak from my perspective as an Asian male with a Chinese background. Not all of them are like me!
1. Average looking. Let's be honest with this that all of us would want a partner with good looking and most people actually valued it more than the character of a person.
2. Not being flirty enough. Most girls actually expect the boys to start a conversation and continue it. They will start to find you boring if you failed to impress them or bringing out a new topic. I actually tried really hard by doing tons of research on those topics but still, I am single.
3. In my perspective, I prefer to be in a relationship with someone who I really wanted to get married. So I always think about the possibilities of getting married in the future. (This can bring harm and good!)
4. Low self-esteem. This is the most important reason! I am always afraid I am not good enough to be a good boyfriend. My past relationship had ruined my self-confidence as my appearance was being compared to her friend's boyfriend. After we broke up, I constantly questioned myself. Until I saw her posted her picture with current boyfriend after several months. I clearly understand I was not good looking enough and rich enough to provide her with what she actually wants. Not here to say that she is a gold digger. Until today, I always afraid that I am not good enough for someone and I am afraid I am not able to provide her with something that she really wants. I believe that bread and love must co-exist for a healthy relationship.

In my country (not China), the girl's parents usually demand the boy to have a house and a car before getting married. I am not saying this is wrong as every parents always want the best for their daughter. However, it is quite difficult for a boy at the age of 20s to afford a car and house. I've always wanted a girlfriend but the uncertain future stop me from getting one as I do not want to promise someone something that I can't be certain about.
Don't worry about it. you can go back to your country and get a wife one day
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a.christiana
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(Original post by ceylon99)
So many guys I know have wanted a girlfriend, but have never had one. Other guys like being single and wait until they settle before finding someone.

But I just wonder how the maths works behind this. I mean there are more women than men in a lot of these places, like universities, churches, and in society. Also if you include men who are not eligible, such as men in prisons, alcoholics, gay men, men who just never want to marry at all.

But surely this means that the numbers go for men, and against women. Especially degree educated men, who are in shortage compared to degree educated women who mostly would expect a man to be degree educated at least.

So what happens to these women when they reach 35+ and they haven't found a man to settle down with? Also this is assuming monogamy of course, unless there are many guys who have multiple girlfriends then that would answer why some guys can't get any girlfriend.
you will one day find the right person. To be honest i feel the exact same. im a girl and i havent had my first boyfriend but the day will come dont worry
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Toscana
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beats me
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Anonymous #1
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Well I'm a girl and have been single for 6 years. It's not that I struggled to get a boyfriend as such but more I struggled to find the right guy that had substance. Most ones I had gone on dates with or started getting to know turned out to only be interested in sex and nothing but sex, despite them claiming they wanted a relationship.
Now I like sex, I love it. But I wouldn't make a gut feel like he had no other value to me other than him just being an object to f***. Or at least I wouldn't have at the time, whereas now that's all I look for.
I've given up with looking for a relationship and simply just sleep with a guy I like and then move onto the next one without looking back. I've become what I disliked but I don't think men are really that bothered about being seen as sex objects like women are bothered about it. From my experience, going through the process of meeting a girl, sleeping with her and then being able to split seems like their ideal. I do actually get it, it's now become my ideal and I don't know how to even go about trying to date someone for relationship purposes.
I don't believe in the whole "there's someone out there for everyone" I think that's just something people tell themselves for comfort so I know this is likely to be my game plan for the long foreseeable future.
Its actually not too bad at all!
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Drewski
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You're making some bizarre assumptions and seem to believe the fault can only lie with women. Why?


Don't worry, that's rhetorical. We all know why.
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ceylon99
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(Original post by Drewski)
You're making some bizarre assumptions and seem to believe the fault can only lie with women. Why?


Don't worry, that's rhetorical. We all know why.
I'm not blaming women, I'm not blaming anyone. I just really wonder about this mathematically and how it works out. I mean the vast majority of women eventually want to settle and marry one day, and still many men want to. I know the assumptions are vague, but they do contribute to the overall picture.
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Drewski
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(Original post by ceylon99)
I'm not blaming women, I'm not blaming anyone. I just really wonder about this mathematically and how it works out. I mean the vast majority of women eventually want to settle and marry one day, and still many men want to. I know the assumptions are vague, but they do contribute to the overall picture.
So you acknowledge there are guys who are unsuitable...


Have you even stopped to consider the same is true for women? :rolleyes:
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Anonymous #2
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I was abused as a child and only really get off to beating people/getting beaten by other people in a non sexual context, like I can get off to normal sex and it’s enjoyable but def not the same warm fuzzy feeling as getting a black eye. Obviously this limits dating to other mummy/daddy issues weirdos so I just don’t bother with anything long term since it’s unlikely to work out.

Despite this I sound more well adjusted than most in this thread lol. If you haven’t got a girlfriend it’s cause you’re rejecting people or not introducing yourself to others, it really is that simple. Even if you’re ugly someone is going to be interested when you interact with enough people.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I was abused as a child and only really get off to beating people/getting beaten by other people in a non sexual context, like I can get off to normal sex and it’s enjoyable but def not the same warm fuzzy feeling as getting a black eye. Obviously this limits dating to other mummy/daddy issues weirdos so I just don’t bother with anything long term since it’s unlikely to work out.

Despite this I sound more well adjusted than most in this thread lol. If you haven’t got a girlfriend it’s cause you’re rejecting people or not introducing yourself to others, it really is that simple. Even if you’re ugly someone is going to be interested when you interact with enough people.
Im gonna disagree with you on that one 😂
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Anonymous #3
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:lolwut: Lmfao. Cool story bro. :surprise:
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
:lolwut: Lmfao. Cool story bro. :surprise:
Why thank you I wrote it all myself. But I'm not a bro
Is that a humping emoji? 🤔
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Dunnig Kruger
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(Original post by kingyii1997)
Well, let us look at this question from several points of view. I will speak from my perspective as an Asian male with a Chinese background. Not all of them are like me!
1. Average looking. Let's be honest with this that all of us would want a partner with good looking and most people actually valued it more than the character of a person.
2. Not being flirty enough. Most girls actually expect the boys to start a conversation and continue it. They will start to find you boring if you failed to impress them or bringing out a new topic. I actually tried really hard by doing tons of research on those topics but still, I am single.
3. In my perspective, I prefer to be in a relationship with someone who I really wanted to get married. So I always think about the possibilities of getting married in the future. (This can bring harm and good!)
4. Low self-esteem. This is the most important reason! I am always afraid I am not good enough to be a good boyfriend. My past relationship had ruined my self-confidence as my appearance was being compared to her friend's boyfriend. After we broke up, I constantly questioned myself. Until I saw her posted her picture with current boyfriend after several months. I clearly understand I was not good looking enough and rich enough to provide her with what she actually wants. Not here to say that she is a gold digger. Until today, I always afraid that I am not good enough for someone and I am afraid I am not able to provide her with something that she really wants. I believe that bread and love must co-exist for a healthy relationship.

In my country (not China), the girl's parents usually demand the boy to have a house and a car before getting married. I am not saying this is wrong as every parents always want the best for their daughter. However, it is quite difficult for a boy at the age of 20s to afford a car and house. I've always wanted a girlfriend but the uncertain future stop me from getting one as I do not want to promise someone something that I can't be certain about.
Everything that you've said is great news for you. Because it's all fixable!

1. Adopt the right lifestyle in terms of what you eat and what you do for work or leisure or chores and you will have enough reserves of strength and stamina. You will also have a body that's in reasonable trim. Look at any Mediteranean beach and you will see that your body is above average to well above average. This will make you physically attractive enough, even if you're not blessed with the best facial bone structure.

2. You need more practise. Just keep your social life as active as you can. When meeting new people, it doesn't matter if what you talk about is banal. Just be enthusiastic, positive, well mannered and listen well and people will like you.

3. How do you know someone is worth marrying unless you've lived with them for at least 6 months? So go ahead and recruit a series of people to be your romantic partner and see how you get on. If it's not well enough, dump them and move onto the next. Your recruitment skills will improve. You'll get there. You will find a wife.

4.Doing the above 3 will help your self esteem. Work on anything that needs improving. Get or improve practical life skills. Cooking, food shopping, washing clothes, ironing, car servicing and repairs, home decorating, organising holidays, making love, IT skills etc etc etc.

In the UK, cars are highly affordable. Just buy the sort of cheapo run-about that they buy on the Car Throttle youtube channel.
Houses can be bought too, without too much difficulty. Get a job, save some money, buy a cheapo yuck house with a large proportion of it via mortgage. It's better than paying rent to someone.

For the OP, mathematics goes out the window when it comes to getting a girlfriend. What counts is psychology, not mathematics. It's what goes on between the ears of any particular man that largely determines if he can get and keep a girlfriend or not.
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