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What to do when you've been raped but the rapist can give other evidence?

basically, met this bartender and he invited me out on Christmas day for drinks, he kept giving me lots of alcohol,l i kept telling him I don't drink that much but he would like tilting my cup and kept telling me to 'not be a p*ssy' then he basically raped me on a car, i kept telling him no but he kept going, i couldn't even push myself off of him, i was also this drunk i couldn't even walk without falling.
After that, I had to see him again as I forgot my purse that had my ID, I thought it be safer as was people with us but he basically did it to me again, I told him he was hurting me but he said he was 'nearly done'.
After that, I really didn't want to believe that I was used when intoxicated so i was still nice to him on messenger, even though I shouldn't have as now 4 months in and I can't tell the police as he'll have evidence that on facebook I was being nice to him.
Please someone give me advice, or is there a way I could maybe contact facebook and tell them to remove messages?
I really don't know what to do with myself anymore.
(edited 3 years ago)

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Original post by lilpeach
basically, met this bartender and he invited me out on Christmas day for drinks, he kept giving me lots of alcohol,l i kept telling him I don't drink that much but he would like tilting my cup and kept telling me to 'not be a p*ssy' then he basically raped me on a car, i kept telling him no but he kept going, i couldn't even push myself off of him, i was also this drunk i couldn't even walk without falling.
After that, I had to see him again as I forgot my purse that had my ID, I thought it be safer as was people with us but he basically did it to me again, I told him he was hurting me but he said he was 'nearly done'.
After that, I really didn't want to believe that I was used when intoxicated so i was still nice to him on messenger, even though I shouldn't have as now 4 months in and I can't tell the police as he'll have evidence that on facebook I was being nice to him.
Please someone give me advice, or is there a way I could maybe contact facebook and tell them to remove messages?
I really don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Hi im sorry to hear what happened to you he's a disgusting animal and i hope you know you are not at fault at all and i hope you get justice for what happened.

I think you should report it to the police and definately not talk to him anymore or go to the bar he works at. Regarding the messages you can say you were scared especially after what happened and replied to keep yourself safe and to try make sure he couldn't do it again to you
Btw if you wan to tlk privately about it just say im here for you whenever
Original post by lilpeach
basically, met this bartender and he invited me out on Christmas day for drinks, he kept giving me lots of alcohol,l i kept telling him I don't drink that much but he would like tilting my cup and kept telling me to 'not be a p*ssy' then he basically raped me on a car, i kept telling him no but he kept going, i couldn't even push myself off of him, i was also this drunk i couldn't even walk without falling.
After that, I had to see him again as I forgot my purse that had my ID, I thought it be safer as was people with us but he basically did it to me again, I told him he was hurting me but he said he was 'nearly done'.
After that, I really didn't want to believe that I was used when intoxicated so i was still nice to him on messenger, even though I shouldn't have as now 4 months in and I can't tell the police as he'll have evidence that on facebook I was being nice to him.
Please someone give me advice, or is there a way I could maybe contact facebook and tell them to remove messages?
I really don't know what to do with myself anymore.


You might want to post this again but anonymously, seems weird you're doing it on your public account. The odds are stacked against you im afraid, if you knew you were raped why were you still nice to him I don't understand, like you were either raped or not raped. Doesn't really make sense why you've suddenly come to this conculsion over 4 months later, and after it happend twice
Reply 4
Avatar for ANM775
ANM775
20
Original post by lilpeach
basically, met this bartender and he invited me out on Christmas day for drinks, he kept giving me lots of alcohol,l i kept telling him I don't drink that much but he would like tilting my cup and kept telling me to 'not be a p*ssy' then he basically raped me on a car, i kept telling him no but he kept going, i couldn't even push myself off of him, i was also this drunk i couldn't even walk without falling.
After that, I had to see him again as I forgot my purse that had my ID, I thought it be safer as was people with us but he basically did it to me again, I told him he was hurting me but he said he was 'nearly done'.
After that, I really didn't want to believe that I was used when intoxicated so i was still nice to him on messenger, even though I shouldn't have as now 4 months in and I can't tell the police as he'll have evidence that on facebook I was being nice to him.
Please someone give me advice, or is there a way I could maybe contact facebook and tell them to remove messages?
I really don't know what to do with myself anymore.


facebook arn't going to remove the messages.

I'm sorry if you were raped, but that story does not sound believable... I very much doubt it will even get to court
(edited 3 years ago)
Reply 5
Avatar for ANM775
ANM775
20
Original post by Anonymous
You might want to post this again but anonymously, seems weird you're doing it on your public account. The odds are stacked against you im afraid, if you knew you were raped why were you still nice to him I don't understand, like you were either raped or not raped. Doesn't really make sense why you've suddenly come to this conculsion over 4 months later, and after it happend twice


she has 18 posts to her name. she IS anonymous
hes unlikely to get convicted, theres no evidence of the actual rape unless you can find cctv, which will have been deleted by now, only evidence there is is you texting him being nice to him.
U NEED to report him. He cannot go and violate you like this. It was NOT your fault. So what if you were nice over messenger? That doesn’t mean he didn’t rape you. You could say that you felt you had to be nice to him because you were afraid of him and how he might twist things.
You never know he may have done this to other people & could still be doing it.
You need to get it off your chest and tell someone. If he gets caught then he won’t be able to do it to anyone else!! good luck
you should definitely report it. He may have already got rape accusations against him and your story could add to it. Even if they don’t do anything about it now, they will watch him and keep it on file If he does it again to someone, they will use your story against him. Definitely report it
You should definitely report it not only for yourself but others. Don't delete the messages as it will seem suspicious and your case will probably be doubted however it will be dealt with by specialist officers who will be professional and understanding. In some cases if you have confided in someone such as a friend the police may take a statement off them as evidence or to grow a wider understanding. Its normal to react in different ways- like you being nice as it usually takes a while to come to a certain degree of realisation due to many factors such as self doubt.
Original post by lilpeach
basically, met this bartender and he invited me out on Christmas day for drinks, he kept giving me lots of alcohol,l i kept telling him I don't drink that much but he would like tilting my cup and kept telling me to 'not be a p*ssy' then he basically raped me on a car, i kept telling him no but he kept going, i couldn't even push myself off of him, i was also this drunk i couldn't even walk without falling.
After that, I had to see him again as I forgot my purse that had my ID, I thought it be safer as was people with us but he basically did it to me again, I told him he was hurting me but he said he was 'nearly done'.
After that, I really didn't want to believe that I was used when intoxicated so i was still nice to him on messenger, even though I shouldn't have as now 4 months in and I can't tell the police as he'll have evidence that on facebook I was being nice to him.
Please someone give me advice, or is there a way I could maybe contact facebook and tell them to remove messages?
I really don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Also if it doesn't go to court there is a chance he will get a cation which forms part of a criminal record which will help encase hes been reported before or if he will reported in the future.
Original post by Anonymous
You might want to post this again but anonymously, seems weird you're doing it on your public account. The odds are stacked against you im afraid, if you knew you were raped why were you still nice to him I don't understand, like you were either raped or not raped. Doesn't really make sense why you've suddenly come to this conculsion over 4 months later, and after it happend twice

She is anonymous on here. And as for your other heartless comment, she already explained she wasn't ready to view herself as a victim of rape. It can be hard to accept the reality of a terrible thing happening to you that you had no control over, some people try to blame themselves in order to retain some control over what happened.

OP, this was terrible what happened to you and I think it is understandable that you would have reacted the way you did in the texts like nothing happened, but it will be used against you and it doesn't seem like you have any evidence unfortunately. You could perhaps seek legal help and see what they say. x
Original post by Anonymous
U NEED to report him. He cannot go and violate you like this. It was NOT your fault. So what if you were nice over messenger? That doesn’t mean he didn’t rape you. You could say that you felt you had to be nice to him because you were afraid of him and how he might twist things.
You never know he may have done this to other people & could still be doing it.
You need to get it off your chest and tell someone. If he gets caught then he won’t be able to do it to anyone else!! good luck

Don't force your opinions on people especially regarding something sensitive like this. Most rape cases boil down to one person's word over another with little to no evidence so there is usually no conviction. If someone has real evidence like cctv recording or confession over text then it's much more likely to get a conviction, but it's still not your place to force someone to go through that.
Original post by Anonymous
You might want to post this again but anonymously, seems weird you're doing it on your public account. The odds are stacked against you im afraid, if you knew you were raped why were you still nice to him I don't understand, like you were either raped or not raped. Doesn't really make sense why you've suddenly come to this conculsion over 4 months later, and after it happend twice

Being "nice" to your rapist is frequently observed in these situations. Psychologically speaking, it's often the victim's way of mitigating the trauma/attempting to regain control of the situation- OP stated herself that she "didn't want to believe" she had been used in this way. It doesn't make what happened to OP any less of a violation, or any less of a traumatic event, and it certainly doesn't mean that it didn't happen at all.
It's also common for the victim to not recognise the rape for what it was until months or years following the event. It took me personally 2 months to come to terms with my own sexual assault. It took actress Lysette Anthony 20 years to report her rape by Harvey Weinstein to the police. There is no time scale on these things.

OP- I'm sorry that this happened to you, and that you've had such unhelpful responses. Ultimately, it's your choice if you want to report it or not, but if you do, your messages should not be held against you - that is, if you are lucky enough to be met with a competent police force. I will warn you that unfortunately, old-fashioned beliefs (i.e. if she was nice to him, surely she wanted it?) are still prevalent and it's likely that you would be asked about it should you report.

That being said, there are still hundreds of rape convictions a year, in spite of nuances such as victim-rapist interactions post assault. Other posters have also made the valid point that your report may not lead to a direct conviction, but could be used as evidence should he rape someone else, which often brings victims some comfort.
I would recommend seeking a lawyer- you may be entitled to free legal aid.

Do not make any attempts to delete the messages- doing so would not be looked upon favourably, but I entirely understand as to why you want to. Be clear within yourself that you have suffered a trauma at the hands of this man and that your behaviour following your rape does not diminish what happened to you. If you haven't already, I'd recommend seeking out some counselling; you may need some professional help processing the trauma. In spite of Covid, there are hundreds of online therapists willing to talk to you. If you don't want a counsellor, I'd still suggest you tell someone- a family member, a friend or a colleague. Internalising the trauma will only make things worse, and telling someone takes away the rapist's power.

I believe you.
Original post by karelina
She is anonymous on here. And as for your other heartless comment, she already explained she wasn't ready to view herself as a victim of rape. It can be hard to accept the reality of a terrible thing happening to you that you had no control over, some people try to blame themselves in order to retain some control over what happened.

OP, this was terrible what happened to you and I think it is understandable that you would have reacted the way you did in the texts like nothing happened, but it will be used against you and it doesn't seem like you have any evidence unfortunately. You could perhaps seek legal help and see what they say. x


Yep, I get it, she's anonymous. Thanks for repeating what other users have pointed out, hope your proud you defended a rape victim very heroic. Here's a badge.
@saltandshake 's response was a lot more constructive but I as well as other users replying are simply saying that the odds are stacked against her as it SOUNDS like a fake story, and accusing someone of rape these days is already as difficult as it gets. I honestly wish OP luck as is but it's not an easy process especially with her circumstances.
Reply 15
Avatar for Surnia
Surnia
20
Original post by karelina
Don't force your opinions on people especially regarding something sensitive like this. Most rape cases boil down to one person's word over another with little to no evidence so there is usually no conviction. If someone has real evidence like cctv recording or confession over text then it's much more likely to get a conviction, but it's still not your place to force someone to go through that.

OP asked for advice, it's been given, it doesn't have to be taken. No-one is being 'forced' to go to the police, but reporting it may help not only the OP but other victims or potential victims.
Original post by ANM775
facebook arn't going to remove the messages.

I'm sorry if you were raped, but that story does not sound believable... I very much doubt it will even get to court


Doesn’t sound believable? It’d sounds quit believable to me and do you really think someone would come on here and lie about being raped?
I think you are bettter off talking to a raoe councillor who can discuss this all with you. Legally it may not be possible to pursue a case but speaking to someone can help you anyway.
Original post by karelina
She is anonymous on here. And as for your other heartless comment, she already explained she wasn't ready to view herself as a victim of rape. It can be hard to accept the reality of a terrible thing happening to you that you had no control over, some people try to blame themselves in order to retain some control over what happened.

It might be a heartless comment but its still facts. Facts don't care about feelings.
Reply 19
Avatar for ANM775
ANM775
20
Original post by Greywolftwo
Doesn’t sound believable? It’d sounds quit believable to me and do you really think someone would come on here and lie about being raped?



if 12 people are sat on a jury you are not going to get 12 of them to swallow that story.

once they see the texts that's enough to at least put reasonable doubt into like half or more of them.
She knows it too, that's why she's trying to suppress the facebook posts.

and I didn't say she was lying, I just said the story doesn't sound believable [there's a difference],
and you've been around here long enough now to know plenty of trolls come up and just make whatever up. Once again, i'm not saying she's lying ...but if this post came from a well known user who had been here years, with many reps and posts it carries a lot more credibility on here than a brand new users with under 20 posts.

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