The Student Room Group

Question to People who self harm and/or have BPD

I am a twin sister who has BPD and self harms how can I offer her some support? What do you think helps and doesn’t help?
I’m not an expert at all and i’m under 18 so i am not diagnosed with BPD but I show symptoms of it and have been through DBT which is used for bpd so I know quite a few handy things for regulating emotions.

Firstly, it sounds like you love your sister a lot which is great, it’s good you’re willing to help her as much as you can. Let her know how much you love her as much as possible. i’m not sure as to what her symptoms are but i’m aware that a common one is feeling people are against you and that’s sometimes even family. try to respect her confidentiality if she confides with you unless she admits to feeling suicidal or is in any form of danger. Sometimes if you feel you can’t trust people then finding out they have openly shared sensitive conversations you’ve had can confirm these suspicions.

Secondly, in an episode (a time where her symptoms are showing ie. panic attacks, hysterics or delusions) it can be very scary for you in the moment and no doubtedly it is for her too. DBT is a therapy that helps people with these moments and i suggest it’s worth having a rough understanding of. Some of the techniques for calming down in these moments are used in acronyms to help people remember them; STOPP, DEARMAN, TIPP are just a few and are worth googling. learning these could help you talk her through episodes. I have these acronyms written out on flash cards to help me remember them and I keep them in my bag for emergencies. maybe open a conversation with the family about learning along with her if you feel you can.

Lastly, as a sibling you are not responsible for her at all and don’t blame yourself for any behaviour she expresses because of her illness. The fact that you care enough to ask is alone enough, and as long as you try your best to help her when you can you’re doing your best which is all anyone should expect from you. Remember to look after yourself as I know from personal experience it’s not easy living with a sibling with mental illness. As for self harming is anyone else aware of this? if she’s continuing to do so or you find she relapses it is completely justified to break confidentiality and tell an adult you trust and please do no matter how much you think she doesn’t want you to. she will forgive you.
Original post by geranium42
I’m not an expert at all and i’m under 18 so i am not diagnosed with BPD but I show symptoms of it and have been through DBT which is used for bpd so I know quite a few handy things for regulating emotions.

Firstly, it sounds like you love your sister a lot which is great, it’s good you’re willing to help her as much as you can. Let her know how much you love her as much as possible. i’m not sure as to what her symptoms are but i’m aware that a common one is feeling people are against you and that’s sometimes even family. try to respect her confidentiality if she confides with you unless she admits to feeling suicidal or is in any form of danger. Sometimes if you feel you can’t trust people then finding out they have openly shared sensitive conversations you’ve had can confirm these suspicions.

Secondly, in an episode (a time where her symptoms are showing ie. panic attacks, hysterics or delusions) it can be very scary for you in the moment and no doubtedly it is for her too. DBT is a therapy that helps people with these moments and i suggest it’s worth having a rough understanding of. Some of the techniques for calming down in these moments are used in acronyms to help people remember them; STOPP, DEARMAN, TIPP are just a few and are worth googling. learning these could help you talk her through episodes. I have these acronyms written out on flash cards to help me remember them and I keep them in my bag for emergencies. maybe open a conversation with the family about learning along with her if you feel you can.

Lastly, as a sibling you are not responsible for her at all and don’t blame yourself for any behaviour she expresses because of her illness. The fact that you care enough to ask is alone enough, and as long as you try your best to help her when you can you’re doing your best which is all anyone should expect from you. Remember to look after yourself as I know from personal experience it’s not easy living with a sibling with mental illness. As for self harming is anyone else aware of this? if she’s continuing to do so or you find she relapses it is completely justified to break confidentiality and tell an adult you trust and please do no matter how much you think she doesn’t want you to. she will forgive you.

by bpd you mean borderline personality disorder right? just want to double check
Reply 3
Original post by Anonymous
self harm is a form of release, it's a form of power, it's a form of control. I don't think you could just get someone to stop. I personally think, in some strange way that self harm has actually prevented me (so far) from suicide. When I wanted to put things back into perspective I would draw a razor blade across myself, straight away I would feel control.
Maybe speaking to them and seeing what issues they really need to work on would help. I personally have no family or close friends that I could rely on, so I wouldn't necessarily see the benefit there, however I would imagine being a twin you have a special connection.
Everyone is different though so I think it its only you that can really know what is the best course of action with your sister.
I would also like to highlight the statement 'people who you can see self harm are crying for help' is a myth. once again from personal experience I didn't and still don't care if people can see my scars. If anything I would see it more as a leave me alone kind of thing.
I hope you are able to help your sister and I hope you and her both manage to find a way through this difficult time.
For clarification I was diagnosed with both BPD and Bipolar disorder, personally I do not believe that I have either and that mental health is more of a spectrum rather than black and white. A final thing I would add from my own experience is that I never found that anti-depressants work. SSRIs only depersonalise you, it is not a nice experience. Moreover lithium carbonate is absolutely awful.

Why is lithium carbonate awful? What are the side effects like?
Original post by Anonymous
I am a twin sister who has BPD and self harms how can I offer her some support? What do you think helps and doesn’t help?

Hi @Anonymous #1

Its is really nice to hear that you want to support your sister. Being diagnosed with BPD can be hard, has your sister gone through some experiences that have been very difficult for her?
Often people will self harm for various reasons, you have to know what the intent around self harm is. It is also important you ask whether she ever feels suicidal?

Have a look at this website here for more information around self harm.

You can also call HOPELINEUK on 0800 068 41 41 here for more advice around self harm and suicidal thoughts.

Take care

Ruth.
Original post by Anonymous
I am a twin sister who has BPD and self harms how can I offer her some support? What do you think helps and doesn’t help?

One thing that I want to make 100% clear is that medication for BPD can only be what paracetamol is to a broken leg. It will never take all the pain away. There is NO BPD wonder drug. Medication cannot treat it.

And infact it is suggested by some that medication maybe 'psychological' harmful to someone with BPD, leading them to feel like they aren't in control, when they aren't.

Also the associated weight gain is incredibly hard to deal with. I've never met some with BPD who doesn't also have body image issues.
I think you need to let her know that her self harming is distressing you, let her know how you feel. Unless she is heavily bleeding, I personally don't think you should attempt to stop her- its not your responsibility and its f*cking horrible to see.

At the end of the day, shes got to make the decision for herself to stop, she's got find a reason to want to start fighting her problems. And you can't do that for her.

People with BPD have a lot more control than they think/ want to admit. Because BPD isn't a 'true' psycosis- there are several key differences:
-BPD never causes 'thought disorder' this is thing that stops people with psychosis being able to think logically/ clearly
-BPD doesn't cause true delusions, the sufferer always knows whats real, but they can't get the 'false' out of their head. From my experience I would liken it a little to the super natural thoughts someone with OCD might have.
-Inderviduals with BPD nearly always retain their insight
-BPD doesn't cause mania, mainia is a symptom of Bipolar/ schizoeffective.

Point being on several levels she is choosing the selfharm, however she isn't choosing to have all the 'borderline' feelings/ thoughts (for want of a better word) and pain.

She's going to have to find away of coping with herself. The selfharm isn't the main thing here, obviously risk needs to be managed, but her difficulty isn't selfharm.

I believe, people are probably going to dig in to me for this post anyway, that the route of all cases of BPD is self hatred OR the failure to be able to see yourself as a person that has worth.
That's what I think that I as a person with BPD needs work on. Maybe she does to.
(edited 3 years ago)
Reply 6
She suffer from depression.
How old is she? Is her depression severe? How long is she like that?
Original post by shebk
She suffer from depression.
How old is she? Is her depression severe? How long is she like that?

Selfharm doesn't equal depression. In fact it is relatively rare for some one who 'only' has depression to severely selfharm over a long period of time.
If she does have depression, chances are that BPD is causing it. So it's a bit of a sideline. A symptom and not the actual psychological cause.
Reply 8
Original post by glassalice
One thing that I want to make 100% clear is that medication can only be what paracetamol is to a broken leg. It will never take all the pain away. There is NO BPD wonder drug.

And infact it is suggested by some that medication maybe 'psychological' harmful to someone with BPD, leading them to feel like they aren't in control, when they aren't.

Also the associated weight gain is incredibly hard to deal with. I've never met some with BPD who doesn't also have body image issues.
I think you need to let her know that her self harming is distressing you, let her know how you feel. Unless she is heavily bleeding, I personally don't think you should attempt to stop her- its not your responsibility and its f*cking horrible to see.

At the end of the day, shes got to make the decision for herself to stop, she's got find a reason to want to start fighting her problems. And you can't do that for her.

People with BPD have a lot more control than they think/ want to admit. Because BPD isn't a 'true' psycosis- there are several key differences:
-BPD never causes 'thought disorder' this is thing that stops people with psychosis being able to think logically/ clearly
-BPD doesn't cause true delusions, the sufferer always knows whats real, but they can't get the 'false' out of their head. From my experience I would liken it a little to the super natural thoughts someone with OCD might have.
-Inderviduals with BPD nearly always retain their insight
-BPD doesn't cause mania, mainia is a symptom of Bipolar/ schizoeffective.

Point being on several levels she is choosing the selfharm, however she isn't choosing to have all the 'borderline' feelings/ thoughts (for want of a better word) and pain.

She's going to have to find away of coping with herself. The selfharm isn't the main thing here, obviously risk needs to be managed, but her difficulty isn't selfharm.

I believe, people are probably going to dig in to me for this post anyway, that the route of all cases of BPD is self hatred OR the failure to be able to see yourself as a person that has worth.
That's what I think that I as a person with BPD needs work on. Maybe she does to.


The self harm worries me as there is potential for nerve damage and she wants to be a surgeon as well as she could seriously injure herself. I try to reassure her but sometimes it feels too much especially when she accuses people of not loving her.
Original post by Anonymous
The self harm worries me as there is potential for nerve damage and she wants to be a surgeon as well as she could seriously injure herself. I try to reassure her but sometimes it feels too much especially when she accuses people of not loving her.

If she feels like she can't manage without self-harming (she honestly can, she just doesn't realise it yet) there are various ways of selfharming in a minimally harmful way. I am not going to go into them here as I would be breaking rules.
She could also start using far more socially acceptable sensory coping strategies like eating chilli or ginger or sour sweets or small amounts of vinegar.

This is all dependant on her deciding to stop, you can't do it for her.
As someone with BPD, I can't emphasis enough the importance of making your own decisions, finding how to deal with things yourself.
I understand I sound callus, and maybe I am a little desensitised but I don't think you should be put in a situation where you take on her problems too. BPD is f*cking painful. And to people on the outside it makes no sense.

The best thing you can do is be there for her when she needs you to. Don't react to selfharm (if it's a mechanism to stop people from abandoning her), react to her distress. Get your family to put clear boundaries in place- make it 100% clear that certain behaviours are unacceptable. Try and work on any wider relationship issues your family has. Develop better communication methods- even post-it-notes on the fridge. Never judge her for anything she tells you. Infact encourage her to tell someone every time she feels like SH- sometimes just saying it can make it feel better.
Your family could use positive reinforcement strategies, if she's 'clean' for 10 days you could all have pizza together.
Get her to read about 'Dr Marsha Linehan' she was a psychiatrist, so studied medicine, like you sister would have to. She actually pioneered DBT. Your sister probably hates it but yeah.

Are you a large family?
Original post by glassalice
If she feels like she can't manage without self-harming (she honestly can, she just doesn't realise it yet) there are various ways of selfharming in a minimally harmful way. I am not going to go into them here as I would be breaking rules.
She could also start using far more socially acceptable sensory coping strategies like eating chilli or ginger or sour sweets or small amounts of vinegar.

This is all dependant on her deciding to stop, you can't do it for her.
As someone with BPD, I can't emphasis enough the importance of making your own decisions, finding how to deal with things yourself.
I understand I sound callus, and maybe I am a little desensitised but I don't think you should be put in a situation where you take on her problems too. BPD is f*cking painful. And to people on the outside it makes no sense.

The best thing you can do is be there for her when she needs you to. Don't react to selfharm (if it's a mechanism to stop people from abandoning her), react to her distress. Get your family to put clear boundaries in place- make it 100% clear that certain behaviours are unacceptable. Try and work on any wider relationship issues your family has. Develop better communication methods- even post-it-notes on the fridge. Never judge her for anything she tells you. Infact encourage her to tell someone every time she feels like SH- sometimes just saying it can make it feel better.
Your family could use positive reinforcement strategies, if she's 'clean' for 10 days you could all have pizza together.
Get her to read about 'Dr Marsha Linehan' she was a psychiatrist, so studied medicine, like you sister would have to. She actually pioneered DBT. Your sister probably hates it but yeah.

Are you a large family?


We are a small family of me my sister and my mum the other relatives live abroad I only saw them once a year sometimes two.
Probably the main one would to not act shocked or horrified even if you are. She will still do it only now she will hide it which can be even more dangerous.
Is she getting any MH support atm? Whilst its admirable you want to help ultimately you arent medically trained and people can easily become invested and almost like a therapist. See if she can get on the wait list for DBT, more healthy coping strategies are taught there. Medication can also help to take the edge off of peaks and troughs, I personally find antipsychotics to be more helpful than antidepressants in that regard.
Original post by geranium42
I’m not an expert at all and i’m under 18 so i am not diagnosed with BPD but I show symptoms of it and have been through DBT which is used for bpd so I know quite a few handy things for regulating emotions.

Firstly, it sounds like you love your sister a lot which is great, it’s good you’re willing to help her as much as you can. Let her know how much you love her as much as possible. i’m not sure as to what her symptoms are but i’m aware that a common one is feeling people are against you and that’s sometimes even family. try to respect her confidentiality if she confides with you unless she admits to feeling suicidal or is in any form of danger. Sometimes if you feel you can’t trust people then finding out they have openly shared sensitive conversations you’ve had can confirm these suspicions.

Secondly, in an episode (a time where her symptoms are showing ie. panic attacks, hysterics or delusions) it can be very scary for you in the moment and no doubtedly it is for her too. DBT is a therapy that helps people with these moments and i suggest it’s worth having a rough understanding of. Some of the techniques for calming down in these moments are used in acronyms to help people remember them; STOPP, DEARMAN, TIPP are just a few and are worth googling. learning these could help you talk her through episodes. I have these acronyms written out on flash cards to help me remember them and I keep them in my bag for emergencies. maybe open a conversation with the family about learning along with her if you feel you can.

Lastly, as a sibling you are not responsible for her at all and don’t blame yourself for any behaviour she expresses because of her illness. The fact that you care enough to ask is alone enough, and as long as you try your best to help her when you can you’re doing your best which is all anyone should expect from you. Remember to look after yourself as I know from personal experience it’s not easy living with a sibling with mental illness. As for self harming is anyone else aware of this? if she’s continuing to do so or you find she relapses it is completely justified to break confidentiality and tell an adult you trust and please do no matter how much you think she doesn’t want you to. she will forgive you.

I would almost go as far as saying, OP should make it clear that she will tell her mum everytime her sister selfharms. If OP did do this she would have to stick to it.
There are downsides to it. But it would help OP and her sister by putting boundaries in place.
Original post by Anonymous
We are a small family of me my sister and my mum the other relatives live abroad I only saw them once a year sometimes two.

Have you ever tried family therapy??? BPD doesn't develop in a vacuum. It's not necessarily a result of some kind of horrific - for example I developed BPD because my mum has aspergers.
I am not trying to say that anyone specifically has done or has not done anything 'wrong'. Regardless there will be some kind of issue that as a family you all need to get to the bottom of.
Original post by CoolCavy
Probably the main one would to not act shocked or horrified even if you are. She will still do it only now she will hide it which can be even more dangerous.
Is she getting any MH support atm? Whilst its admirable you want to help ultimately you arent medically trained and people can easily become invested and almost like a therapist. See if she can get on the wait list for DBT, more healthy coping strategies are taught there. Medication can also help to take the edge off of peaks and troughs, I personally find antipsychotics to be more helpful than antidepressants in that regard.

She is under secondary care, her psychiatrist doesn't think she is ready for therapy yet, she is currently on an ssnri and will be put on a mood stabiliser.

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