What are your thoughts on arranged marriages?

IMy parents got married through one. They tried to propose one for me but I straight up refused.

Arranged marriages isn’t my cup of tea.
Marrying a traditional person from their native country with someone who has spent their whole life in the west sounds like a disaster. Their differences between the two are just too much.

Reply 3

username3539714

21

Well if you can't find anyone and you're desperate then it's sound but otherwise that just ain't the best option imo

Reply 4

physicsamor

I think more and more the standard of arranged marriages are improving, both parties you know can say no if they don't think the other person is right etc and it is agreement from both parties, then its totally okay. Of course, the issue becomes when there is pressure from either family to say yes due to xyz factors that is not okay.

Reply 5

Leslie Knope

OP

Original post by TheStarboy

IMy parents got married through one. They tried to propose one for me but I straight up refused.

Arranged marriages isn’t my cup of tea.
Marrying a traditional person from their native country with someone who has spent their whole life in the west sounds like a disaster. Their differences between the two are just too much.

How has it been between your parents? Have you ever sensed any indications that they regret the whole arranged marriage idea?

Reply 6

Leslie Knope

OP

Original post by yzanne

dislike them a lot, though i understand people need to do their research properly about them before they wholly criticise the idea.

i don't like the idea of no free will - to me, someone that isn't my choice isn't someone i feel i could love - you're relying on luck.

What if the person your parents offer is from the family, and you kinda know them?

Reply 7

BTS gal

13

Depends on who is arranging it, and what sort of arrangement it is. For instant, if it is arranged in the sense that parents found the prospective spouse but then you got a chance to meet/ talk to them, assess compatability, etc, then it would be just like being referred to someone via trusted means. However, if you are not given an option to say no to the arrangement then it can be problematic. Check out Khaled Al Ameri video on Arrange marriage on Youtube, that's the kind of arrangement that is happening these days than the stereotypical one, but of course there are exceptions.
However, never do something you are not sure of, and also for muslims, I would suggest doing istikhara on their own for clarity.

Reply 8

Alina2019

18

Arranged marriage is ok , as arranged just means there has been a agreement , with Arranged marriage yes the parents choose or families unite 2 people , but the kids agree , usually in this modern day and age , you are allowed to bond with who you are getting a arranged marriage too , get to know them , love can be formed after or before , I mean everyone meets as strangers! And have to ignite a spark,
In the past the families would Just get to know each-other and the kids in the dark (but still agreed! As it’s arranged not forced)
A lot of ppl mix forced and arranged and especially cousin marriage they are not the same(!!!!!) forced , you have no choice you are out against your will
Btw cousin marriages can be forced or arranged and a lot of arranged marriages I know of the people have fallen in love and are actually very happy
(No all of these opinions doesn’t mean I’m marrying my cousin)

(edited 3 years ago)

Reply 9

Original post by ayyyy.x

How has it been between your parents? Have you ever sensed any indications that they regret the whole arranged marriage idea?

They’ve had their ups and downs. Some really close calls too. My mum is less enthusiastic about the whole idea and has downplayed the idea. I have a feeling she wouldn't mind if I did it or not

Reply 10

BTS gal

13

Original post by ayyyy.x

What if the person your parents offer is from the family, and you kinda know them?

If you kinda know them, then I suggest having a conversation with the person if possible, get to know them a bit deeper, and go with gut instinct. If you feel they are good enough, then I don't think there is any harm in exploring the proposal further.
Someone suggested me something really good this morning (check my threads) and they suggested keeping a list of 3 deal breakers and 7 qualities/ traits you would want the person to have, if the person you kinda know checks most boxes, I would suggest give it a go.

Despite the bad press some arranged marriages get and of course the issues that arise out of incompatibility whether temperamental or cultural, if it is an informed decision and the choice of both parties is considered, it can be a little stress free (as regards to background checks) but also the extended family's support that they may be there for you. Having said that, if you don't feel comfortable, it is your religious and social right to say no to and help is available if anyone forces anyone

Reply 11

Ðeggs

22

Arranged marriages are a cultural construct, and in the cultures where they are most prevalent in South Asia. If the bride and groom are happy or are continuing a family tradition or legacy, then it would be culturally insensitive to criticise arranged marriages. The problem occurs when South Asian families relocate to Western counties, and if the children have been born or raised in a new country or culture different to that of their parents. The different ideas and views of family and marriage between the different generations often causes conflict, and often these are the news stories we hear of young South Asian couples trying to avoid or change arranged marriage traditions in their family. Something like arranged marriages doesn’t really belong in Western culture, and families that bring these ideas over when they immigrate causes conflicts.

Reply 12

Original post by Deggs_14

Arranged marriages are a cultural construct, and in the cultures where they are most prevalent in South Asia. If the bride and groom are happy or are continuing a family tradition or legacy, then it would be culturally insensitive to criticise arranged marriages. The problem occurs when South Asian families relocate to Western counties, and if the children have been born or raised in a new country or culture different to that of their parents. The different ideas and views of family and marriage between the different generations often causes conflict, and often these are the news stories we hear of young South Asian couples trying to avoid or change arranged marriage traditions in their family. Something like arranged marriages doesn’t really belong in Western culture, and families that bring these ideas over when they immigrate causes conflicts.

The West has a messy history with arranged marriages. Used to be popular around the middle ages. The poor would try to marry off their children to richer families in hopes of being lifted out of poverty. Ended up with incest, polygamy and constant abuse of power, status and wealth.

Reply 13

Ðeggs

22

Original post by TheStarboy

The West has a messy history with arranged marriages. Used to be popular around the middle ages. The poor would try to marry off their children to richer families in hopes of being lifted out of poverty. Ended up with incest, polygamy and constant abuse of power, status and wealth.

That was hundreds of years ago in the Middle Ages, which isn’t directly comparable to modern society today.

Reply 14

Musil

5

Original post by TheStarboy

The West has a messy history with arranged marriages. Used to be popular around the middle ages. The poor would try to marry off their children to richer families in hopes of being lifted out of poverty. Ended up with incest, polygamy and constant abuse of power, status and wealth.

Arranged or at least suggested marriages are still common in the West. Religious people may meet through that religious institution if they want to raise their children in that community. I'm Jewish (although I personally married a Christian), it's very common for people to meet through friends of family that go to the same Shul and be 'introduced'.

I don't know much about Haredim/Hasidic Jewish communities because they're pretty closed and they don't really like progressive/reform/conservative Jews much :smile:

but I'm pretty sure they have a lot of arranged marriages (with no money involved).

I'm pretty sure Christians are introduced through Church and Muslims through their community too.

(edited 3 years ago)

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

They're disgusting, Completely go against the fundamentals of marriage.
Funny that they are deemed the norm in cultures that also practice FGM and that alike.

Reply 16

Original post by Deggs_14

That was hundreds of years ago in the Middle Ages, which isn’t directly comparable to modern society today.

They didn't exactly end in the middle ages. They decreased until the late 19th century. Modern society is different now though

Reply 17

username4953776

16

I fl like if its arranged but u end up loving the person its fine

Reply 18

Leslie Knope

OP