running away - am i being dramatic?
hey guys. my family is really controlling and won't let me move out for university - my dad who's extremely controlling (and only want's a say in my life when it suits him), and my mum who's obsessed with her reputation (i'm a muslim girl, for context). for more detail on the specifics i've got a similar thread on this so you can understand my situation a little better. to cut it short, do you think it's possible for me to run away on results day. i.e, pack a suitcase the night before, leave it at a mate's house (and find somewhere to stay till uni starts), go to school on results day (apply to warwick through clearing on my own) then just leave?? my parent's are insane - my dad's the type to find out the uni i'm in and drag me back home by force. i'm 18, i mean - is this even possible? could i tell the uni to keep where i'm living & stuff (if i do end up living in halls) to keep that info confidential so that my parents can't find me?? also, if they do something dramatic like file a missing persons report (and i end up leaving a note for them telling them that i'm safe etc, could the police still come looking?)
Sorry to hear you're stuck in this predicament. I would certainly not cope in such a strict culture, but when you say your Dad is the type to bring you back home by force, if by force you mean violence, THAT"S NOT OK!! If he physically abuses you report that **** and get away.
More to your situation, only you know what's best. The idea of running away probably may sound appealing to you at the time, perhaps causing you to overlook the potential negatives of the situation. So please don't take this as criticism, I'm simply giving you an argument as to why not and then I will leave it for you to decide.
1) Finances - How are you going to fund all this now your income is likely to be completely obliterated. My Halls of Residence were £153 per week, so in total rent and loan cost me £6000. Not to mention all the other costs - tuition and food. A part-time job is just not going to cut it. You'll need to work closer to full time. SFE will pay for the tuition, and your Parents are likely to refuse to help, meaning you'll be entitled to a minimum of 3k. If you want to make the decision to runaway, make sure you have the finances in place to make the jump to become fully independent from your Parents. I would at the very least a have a job secured for when you go to university if you're going to make this decision.
2) You mention applying through clearing, more specifically to Warwick. I doubt there will be spaces, but hey, you can place down a bet. In my opinion it's a bet with very low odds of happening.
3) Destroying the relationship with your Parents - And by doing this, you're likely to succumb to incredible loss tangibly and intangibly. Is this something you're prepared to do? Independence is great, but you can't click your fingers in a day and achieve it. This all takes time.
4) Finally, what if your runway plans fails? You run out of money? You left home and didn't secure that place at the university? What then? Wil your Parents accept you back?
Honestly, if I were you, I'd have to ensure I had at least a year's finances set in place and a guaranteed position with housing at the university before making such a drastic decision. I would have also ideally liked to have secured a job in the region I'm applying to. Try writing a post-mortem for the absolute best and absolute worst scenario? Where do I end up if this fails? Where do I end up if I succeed? Is the risk-reward worth it?
In the post-mortems, consider why things could end negatively and why things end positively. Only you know what's worst. But I'd hazard a guess that worst case if it fails, it would be you have no money, no home and a ruined relationship with your Parents. There's a percentage chance of this happening, as there is with every decision. Personally, me being risk-averse, I wouldn't even take it if it were 1%. But I don't know your circumstances or upbringing, fortunately for myself my Parents have been very kind and this is solely why I would not do what you're about to do.
Good Luck.
More to your situation, only you know what's best. The idea of running away probably may sound appealing to you at the time, perhaps causing you to overlook the potential negatives of the situation. So please don't take this as criticism, I'm simply giving you an argument as to why not and then I will leave it for you to decide.
1) Finances - How are you going to fund all this now your income is likely to be completely obliterated. My Halls of Residence were £153 per week, so in total rent and loan cost me £6000. Not to mention all the other costs - tuition and food. A part-time job is just not going to cut it. You'll need to work closer to full time. SFE will pay for the tuition, and your Parents are likely to refuse to help, meaning you'll be entitled to a minimum of 3k. If you want to make the decision to runaway, make sure you have the finances in place to make the jump to become fully independent from your Parents. I would at the very least a have a job secured for when you go to university if you're going to make this decision.
2) You mention applying through clearing, more specifically to Warwick. I doubt there will be spaces, but hey, you can place down a bet. In my opinion it's a bet with very low odds of happening.
3) Destroying the relationship with your Parents - And by doing this, you're likely to succumb to incredible loss tangibly and intangibly. Is this something you're prepared to do? Independence is great, but you can't click your fingers in a day and achieve it. This all takes time.
4) Finally, what if your runway plans fails? You run out of money? You left home and didn't secure that place at the university? What then? Wil your Parents accept you back?
Honestly, if I were you, I'd have to ensure I had at least a year's finances set in place and a guaranteed position with housing at the university before making such a drastic decision. I would have also ideally liked to have secured a job in the region I'm applying to. Try writing a post-mortem for the absolute best and absolute worst scenario? Where do I end up if this fails? Where do I end up if I succeed? Is the risk-reward worth it?
In the post-mortems, consider why things could end negatively and why things end positively. Only you know what's worst. But I'd hazard a guess that worst case if it fails, it would be you have no money, no home and a ruined relationship with your Parents. There's a percentage chance of this happening, as there is with every decision. Personally, me being risk-averse, I wouldn't even take it if it were 1%. But I don't know your circumstances or upbringing, fortunately for myself my Parents have been very kind and this is solely why I would not do what you're about to do.
Good Luck.
(edited 3 years ago)
Original post by Khanthebrit
4) Finally, what if your runway plans fails? You run out of money? You left home and didn't secure that place at the university? What then? Wil your Parents accept you back?
quickly adding on to what this point the above user mentions:
- if the plan fails, and the potential for your parents not taking you back is there, do you have any external family or friends you can rely on for an indefinite amount of time? if so, consider potential issues such as 'owing back' if they're the kind to have those qualms, or the potential of falling out/being kicked out for whatever reason: do you have a plan b? how will you cover yourself in this situation?
also, i would recommend also building a support network and a list of places/helplines you can go to or call for safety and stability alongside securing finances for a set amount of time. find places where you can also buy food/clothes/necessities for dirt cheap to extend the time you will be consuming the money if you cannot secure a job to cover anything.
Not sure if it's over dramatic but it just won't work and you might end up in a way worse situation.
Original post by Anonymous
hey guys. my family is really controlling and won't let me move out for university - my dad who's extremely controlling (and only want's a say in my life when it suits him), and my mum who's obsessed with her reputation (i'm a muslim girl, for context). for more detail on the specifics i've got a similar thread on this so you can understand my situation a little better. to cut it short, do you think it's possible for me to run away on results day. i.e, pack a suitcase the night before, leave it at a mate's house (and find somewhere to stay till uni starts), go to school on results day (apply to warwick through clearing on my own) then just leave?? my parent's are insane - my dad's the type to find out the uni i'm in and drag me back home by force. i'm 18, i mean - is this even possible? could i tell the uni to keep where i'm living & stuff (if i do end up living in halls) to keep that info confidential so that my parents can't find me?? also, if they do something dramatic like file a missing persons report (and i end up leaving a note for them telling them that i'm safe etc, could the police still come looking?)
"also, if they do something dramatic like file a missing persons report (and i end up leaving a note for them telling them that i'm safe etc, could the police still come looking?)" -> yes
"could i tell the uni to keep where i'm living & stuff (if i do end up living in halls) to keep that info confidential so that my parents can't find me??" -> No, you need to register a legal guardian
"my parent's are insane - my dad's the type to find out the uni i'm in and drag me back home by force. i'm 18, i mean - is this even possible?" -> Unfortunately, yes.
You're in a crap situation. Running away rn will make it worse, and there's no favourable outcome.
There is no optimal decision here.
You could try to escape after uni.
(edited 3 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
hey guys. my family is really controlling and won't let me move out for university - my dad who's extremely controlling (and only want's a say in my life when it suits him), and my mum who's obsessed with her reputation (i'm a muslim girl, for context). for more detail on the specifics i've got a similar thread on this so you can understand my situation a little better. to cut it short, do you think it's possible for me to run away on results day. i.e, pack a suitcase the night before, leave it at a mate's house (and find somewhere to stay till uni starts), go to school on results day (apply to warwick through clearing on my own) then just leave?? my parent's are insane - my dad's the type to find out the uni i'm in and drag me back home by force. i'm 18, i mean - is this even possible? could i tell the uni to keep where i'm living & stuff (if i do end up living in halls) to keep that info confidential so that my parents can't find me?? also, if they do something dramatic like file a missing persons report (and i end up leaving a note for them telling them that i'm safe etc, could the police still come looking?)
Do you think it's possible for me to run away on results day. i.e, pack a suitcase the night before, leave it at a mate's house (and find somewhere to stay till uni starts), go to school on results day (apply to warwick through clearing on my own) then just leave??
Yup.
my parent's are insane - my dad's the type to find out the uni i'm in and drag me back home by force. i'm 18, i mean - is this even possible?
File a restraining order, then.
could i tell the uni to keep where i'm living & stuff (if i do end up living in halls) to keep that info confidential so that my parents can't find me??
This is possible if you arrange them, they are not obligated to share information with your parents as you are not a minor.
You are an 18 year old female in the UNITED KINGDOM. We are not a backwards tinpot dictatorship.
(edited 3 years ago)
Original post by Buttmuffin
"also, if they do something dramatic like file a missing persons report (and i end up leaving a note for them telling them that i'm safe etc, could the police still come looking?)" -> yes
"could i tell the uni to keep where i'm living & stuff (if i do end up living in halls) to keep that info confidential so that my parents can't find me??" -> No, you need to register a legal guardian
"my parent's are insane - my dad's the type to find out the uni i'm in and drag me back home by force. i'm 18, i mean - is this even possible?" -> Unfortunately, yes.
You're in a crap situation. Running away rn will make it worse, and there's no favourable outcome.
There is no optimal decision here. I know a friend who's exactly like you, and she stayed at home during her uni years. She plans on leaving her family and breaking contact after graduating.
Maybe you could try that
"could i tell the uni to keep where i'm living & stuff (if i do end up living in halls) to keep that info confidential so that my parents can't find me??" -> No, you need to register a legal guardian
"my parent's are insane - my dad's the type to find out the uni i'm in and drag me back home by force. i'm 18, i mean - is this even possible?" -> Unfortunately, yes.
You're in a crap situation. Running away rn will make it worse, and there's no favourable outcome.
There is no optimal decision here. I know a friend who's exactly like you, and she stayed at home during her uni years. She plans on leaving her family and breaking contact after graduating.
Maybe you could try that
You are actually wrong on all three accounts. If you are 18, the police wont tell anywhere where you are if you don't want them too. So even if they come looking, this poses no risk to the girl. They are not actually obligated to inform your parents about your whereabouts. Secondly, you do not need to register a legal guardian when applying for university. Lastly, an 18 year old is allowed to leave home, no matter what the parents say.
(edited 3 years ago)
Original post by Khanthebrit
Sorry to hear you're stuck in this predicament. I would certainly not cope in such a strict culture, but when you say your Dad is the type to bring you back home by force, if by force you mean violence, THAT"S NOT OK!! If he physically abuses you report that **** and get away.
More to your situation, only you know what's best. The idea of running away probably may sound appealing to you at the time, perhaps causing you to overlook the potential negatives of the situation. So please don't take this as criticism, I'm simply giving you an argument as to why not and then I will leave it for you to decide.
1) Finances - How are you going to fund all this now your income is likely to be completely obliterated. My Halls of Residence were £153 per week, so in total rent and loan cost me £6000. Not to mention all the other costs - tuition and food. A part-time job is just not going to cut it. You'll need to work closer to full time. SFE will pay for the tuition, and your Parents are likely to refuse to help, meaning you'll be entitled to a minimum of 3k. If you want to make the decision to runaway, make sure you have the finances in place to make the jump to become fully independent from your Parents. I would at the very least a have a job secured for when you go to university if you're going to make this decision.
2) You mention applying through clearing, more specifically to Warwick. I doubt there will be spaces, but hey, you can place down a bet. In my opinion it's a bet with very low odds of happening.
3) Destroying the relationship with your Parents - And by doing this, you're likely to succumb to incredible loss tangibly and intangibly. Is this something you're prepared to do? Independence is great, but you can't click your fingers in a day and achieve it. This all takes time.
4) Finally, what if your runway plans fails? You run out of money? You left home and didn't secure that place at the university? What then? Wil your Parents accept you back?
Honestly, if I were you, I'd have to ensure I had at least a year's finances set in place and a guaranteed position with housing at the university before making such a drastic decision. I would have also ideally liked to have secured a job in the region I'm applying to. Try writing a post-mortem for the absolute best and absolute worst scenario? Where do I end up if this fails? Where do I end up if I succeed? Is the risk-reward worth it?
In the post-mortems, consider why things could end negatively and why things end positively. Only you know what's worst. But I'd hazard a guess that worst case if it fails, it would be you have no money, no home and a ruined relationship with your Parents. There's a percentage chance of this happening, as there is with every decision. Personally, me being risk-averse, I wouldn't even take it if it were 1%. But I don't know your circumstances or upbringing, fortunately for myself my Parents have been very kind and this is solely why I would not do what you're about to do.
Good Luck.
More to your situation, only you know what's best. The idea of running away probably may sound appealing to you at the time, perhaps causing you to overlook the potential negatives of the situation. So please don't take this as criticism, I'm simply giving you an argument as to why not and then I will leave it for you to decide.
1) Finances - How are you going to fund all this now your income is likely to be completely obliterated. My Halls of Residence were £153 per week, so in total rent and loan cost me £6000. Not to mention all the other costs - tuition and food. A part-time job is just not going to cut it. You'll need to work closer to full time. SFE will pay for the tuition, and your Parents are likely to refuse to help, meaning you'll be entitled to a minimum of 3k. If you want to make the decision to runaway, make sure you have the finances in place to make the jump to become fully independent from your Parents. I would at the very least a have a job secured for when you go to university if you're going to make this decision.
2) You mention applying through clearing, more specifically to Warwick. I doubt there will be spaces, but hey, you can place down a bet. In my opinion it's a bet with very low odds of happening.
3) Destroying the relationship with your Parents - And by doing this, you're likely to succumb to incredible loss tangibly and intangibly. Is this something you're prepared to do? Independence is great, but you can't click your fingers in a day and achieve it. This all takes time.
4) Finally, what if your runway plans fails? You run out of money? You left home and didn't secure that place at the university? What then? Wil your Parents accept you back?
Honestly, if I were you, I'd have to ensure I had at least a year's finances set in place and a guaranteed position with housing at the university before making such a drastic decision. I would have also ideally liked to have secured a job in the region I'm applying to. Try writing a post-mortem for the absolute best and absolute worst scenario? Where do I end up if this fails? Where do I end up if I succeed? Is the risk-reward worth it?
In the post-mortems, consider why things could end negatively and why things end positively. Only you know what's worst. But I'd hazard a guess that worst case if it fails, it would be you have no money, no home and a ruined relationship with your Parents. There's a percentage chance of this happening, as there is with every decision. Personally, me being risk-averse, I wouldn't even take it if it were 1%. But I don't know your circumstances or upbringing, fortunately for myself my Parents have been very kind and this is solely why I would not do what you're about to do.
Good Luck.
thank you so so much for your help. i'm grateful that you've talked to me honestly about your opinion. ofc finance would be an issue - i've grown up my whole life in council estates & tbh i'm just looking for a new environment. the great thing about Warwick is that accommodation is ridiculously cheap - the minimum is around £75 a week, & if i'm being honest i can't afford to be picky in first year. i have lots of friends in my sixth form planning on going to warwick & i've heard that you don't live in halls in second year (everyone lives in one big house) so that would be really helpful. but of course, you're right there's also the big possibility that i don't get a place. i'm almost 99% sure i'd be able to get in (grades wise - i've gotten a*'s throughout the year) but ofc there's always that 1% that accommodation might not be available and i will have rejected all my other offers for nothing. thankfully my school network has offered me a 9k bursary (for my 3 years at uni) - about a grand each term, so hopefully that may make things a bit easier finance wise. though i was hoping on being more sensible with that money and using it for a conversion course. only problem is that if i do stay in london, i don't get that bursary - it only gets given to me if i move out. i'd practically be losing 9 grand if i stayed in London. plus (as dumb as it sounds, and i would never want to resort to this) - i'd always be able to ask my friends who are planning on going to warwick in an emergency situation. i've also heard that you have to re-apply every year for a student loan & you need your parent's info for that?? that'll be a problem for me if they refuse to do that - i might end up getting nothing from the maintenance loan.
as for getting a job, that's also a problem - i haven't got any work experience, and the work experience i was planning on doing at a law firm for two weeks got cancelled for coronavirus - technically i have nothing interesting to write on my CV & i've never had a job before.
i don't want to destroy my relationship with my parents, but at this rate i'm running out of options. i've spoken to my mum for months about this and she won't even give it a second thought. they're ridiculously controlling and only care about their reputation - especially my dad. they both think my degree (history) is useless - my dad also thinks as a 'girl' it's wrong to move out before marriage. my parent's are separated bc of his abusive behaviour so honestly he's lost the right to get a say in my life anymore.
sorry for the rant. thanks again.
Original post by conorellis42
Do you think it's possible for me to run away on results day. i.e, pack a suitcase the night before, leave it at a mate's house (and find somewhere to stay till uni starts), go to school on results day (apply to warwick through clearing on my own) then just leave??
Yup.
my parent's are insane - my dad's the type to find out the uni i'm in and drag me back home by force. i'm 18, i mean - is this even possible?
File a restraining order, then.
could i tell the uni to keep where i'm living & stuff (if i do end up living in halls) to keep that info confidential so that my parents can't find me??
This is possible if you arrange them, they are not obligated to share information with your parents as you are not a minor.
You are an 18 year old female in the UNITED KINGDOM. We are not a backwards tinpot dictatorship.
Yup.
my parent's are insane - my dad's the type to find out the uni i'm in and drag me back home by force. i'm 18, i mean - is this even possible?
File a restraining order, then.
could i tell the uni to keep where i'm living & stuff (if i do end up living in halls) to keep that info confidential so that my parents can't find me??
This is possible if you arrange them, they are not obligated to share information with your parents as you are not a minor.
You are an 18 year old female in the UNITED KINGDOM. We are not a backwards tinpot dictatorship.
Original post by Buttmuffin
"also, if they do something dramatic like file a missing persons report (and i end up leaving a note for them telling them that i'm safe etc, could the police still come looking?)" -> yes
"could i tell the uni to keep where i'm living & stuff (if i do end up living in halls) to keep that info confidential so that my parents can't find me??" -> No, you need to register a legal guardian
"my parent's are insane - my dad's the type to find out the uni i'm in and drag me back home by force. i'm 18, i mean - is this even possible?" -> Unfortunately, yes.
You're in a crap situation. Running away rn will make it worse, and there's no favourable outcome.
There is no optimal decision here.
You could try to escape after uni.
"could i tell the uni to keep where i'm living & stuff (if i do end up living in halls) to keep that info confidential so that my parents can't find me??" -> No, you need to register a legal guardian
"my parent's are insane - my dad's the type to find out the uni i'm in and drag me back home by force. i'm 18, i mean - is this even possible?" -> Unfortunately, yes.
You're in a crap situation. Running away rn will make it worse, and there's no favourable outcome.
There is no optimal decision here.
You could try to escape after uni.
would i still have to register a legal guardian?? why tho??, im 18.
Original post by Anonymous
would i still have to register a legal guardian?? why tho??, im 18.
Apologies - I'm wrong
https://www.st-andrews.ac.uk/assets/university/study-at-st-andrews/documents/support/communicating-with-parents.pdf
Original post by Anonymous
would i still have to register a legal guardian?? why tho??, im 18
https://www.ucas.com/finance/additional-funding/financial-support-students-not-supported-their-family-estranged
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