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Boyfriend makes me feel bad about myself

I love my boyfriend and he can be really sweet sometimes and he does nice things for me etc, but sometimes he makes me feel really bad about myself. It's not that he's trying to be horrible, just that he's often a little too honest/ tactless and I don't really have the self-confidence to deal with it.

Like for example, he often tells me I look tired which has become his codeword for crap, and when I came back from holiday rather than ooh you look nice and tanned I got a sort of "woah your face has got freckly" and then "will they fade?". when one of his mates commented on these damned freckles and said they were cute my boyfriend went "er really?" disbelievingly. It's all tiny things like this which I used to find amusing and I would hit him jokingly and tell him to shut up but it's starting to get to me. I now get stressed when I go on holiday in case I get freckly again, I used to quite like them :frown:

Another example is that when I was younger I used to be a really good singer, but I stopped doing it for a while and lost confidence so I'm quite shy about it now, but I did a bit of karaoke with him the other night and he was like "did you really used to sing? cos you're not that good". he said afterwards "that sounded mean, sorry". but I just feel he crushes my confidence in a lot of areas, and he's the one person who's meant to make me feel better about myself.

I also feel he judges me quite a lot, like I'll say something and he'll say "really?" and sound surprised or make fun of my family in a jokey way, but it just makes me feel stupid and like he's better than me.

I know this is all extremely petty, but I'm not that confident and it's not like he compliments me loads to make up for it, so it's starting to make me feel a bit rubbish. I jokingly told him to stop insulting me the other night and he was like "you know I think you're really beautiful so why should it matter?" but I don't really know, cos he hardly ever says it.

Shall I just leave it or shall I say something about it to him? It sounds whingy and petty so I feel like I should just get over it. Sorry for this being so long!

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Reply 1

ßlαcksωαn

It's a way of controlling you, squeezing you free of self esteem, lowering the chances of you wondering off.

Reply 2

Eragon452

I wouldn't worry about the freckles - my friend with lots of freckles told me boys wouldn't like me because I don't have any and that guys think they're "cute".
You could start saying things to make him doubt himself but then it might just turn into insult tennis so you should probably just tell him you don't like it.

Reply 3

Rouge

sounds like a normal heterosexual relationship to me. What are you complaining about?

Reply 4

Amanda

What he's doing is lame and you should at least talk to him about it. Even when a guy jokes about not looking good or being stupid or whatever, I think it still hurts just the same as if he had been acting serious about it. The point of a relationship isn't to tear you down, so don't let him. Perhaps he's trying to make you devalue yourself so you'll be more likely to stay with him?

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

I sort of spoke to him about it and he just said that he's spent a lot of time with other guys in the last month so he's used to be being rude, but it just seemed such a lame excuse.

break up

Im going too say this honestly..

some men just don´t think before they speak...honestly, when im fishing for a compliment from my boyfriend (because all girls want too have one nice thing said about them!) it´s like digging through a haystack, as it just passes them by..it´s just a man thing

It could be that hes just treating you now like one of the guys..it can happen, ie hes got comfortable with you too talk to you like that etc..it´s a little itch that can happen with long term relationships

Reply 8

QBC123

Heres the deal love, plain and simple. Us guys -especially when tapping a more attractive chick- tend to try and make you feel like **** to make ourselves feel better because we fear that if you realise your ass is way too fine for us that you will leave! He's just doing it to make himself feel more adequately attractive. There's two ways to deal with: a) Dump his ass b) learn to love this flaw and just retaliate by being extremely confident because the only reason he does this is because he think your so much hotter than he is :biggrin:

Reply 9

Sithius

Sounds like an insecure knob tbh.

Reply 10

Adarah

Anonymous

I sort of spoke to him about it and he just said that he's spent a lot of time with other guys in the last month so he's used to be being rude, but it just seemed such a lame excuse.

I wouldn't dismiss it as a lame excuse. Guys can actually take more of that sort of honesty and it is normal for them to do it. Just make sure he understands that it hurts you. You don't even need to say why and explain, just let him know you are hurt, give him specific examples of things he said and how that made you feel. If he's a decent guy, and he does sound like one really, then he'll try not to make you feel bad again, as I'm sure that's not what his intention was.

Reply 11

Phantom Phoenix

He sounds like a tactless pillock, but not as if he means badly. Don't break up with him just because he's not as senstive as you'd like; talk to him first and nudge him in the direction of thinking before he speaks. At least now you know he thinks you're beautiful!

Reply 12

Jelkin

Talk to him FIRMLY about it and tell him not to be so insensitive. I don't think you're being petty. Anyway, freckles ARE cute and you should tan as much as you damn well like!

Reply 13

vinylrose

You are not being petty. People can be really cruel, and boyfriends unfortunately are no exception. Trust me, I know. My boyfriend is sweet most of the time but can be extremely rude. He tells me he's just being honest, but he doesn't do anything to soften the blow. I care a lot what he thinks and some of the things he says really hurt. And it's been hard for me to decide how to respond, because if I tell him to stop being honest with me, then I'm encouraging him to lie, and I don't want to do that. I just don't think he realizes how hurtful he can be.

Anyway, you have every right to feel upset with this guy. He might not be meaning to hurt your feelings, but there's a way you can find out. Tell him specifically how certain things he does upset you (easier said than done, I know, but important), and see what he does. If he doesn't do anything to change even after you talk to him, you might want to have a little chat with yourself and decide why you still want to be with him, and whether his occasional niceness makes it worth the tormenting.

Hope that helps!

Reply 14

abridgewater

It seems like hes a bt like i am to my girlfriend - though granted a bit further than me. My girlfriend is generally a bit, well 'better' than me. Even though she cant spell for toffee she is brilliant at things like maths. She's beautiful - never (rather annoyingly) putting on rate, even though she often eats three times as much as me. And although she likes any sort of drive, she is a kinder and more caring person than me. Sadly i often make fun of her; which she sometimes takes to heart.
My point is, maybe he has a bit of an inferiority complex where you are concerned and his just over compensating.
Let him know how you feel.

Reply 15

La Esmerelda

No its not petty!! This boy will destroy your confidence bit by bit and your boyf/friends are there to make you feel good about yourself and have fun with. You wouldnt put up with friends like this or their snide comments so dump his ass and find a boy who appreciates you (or talk to him lol)>

Reply 16

BonziBBB

Hmm, it's been 9 years so I'll give my take on things. He's just being honest like I am! If we think your new hairstyle isn't as good as your old one, we will say so! If we think that freckles are ugly (which they are) we will make ourselves heard! We are not intentionally making ourselves insensitive but we are just going to be honest with you so you can better yourself as a person or so you just know our take on things. Unfortunately, some of the comments are suggesting that he is insecure, which is the LAST thing we are, these people just think that lying = good. Here is an example!Two characters, Laila and John are in a room, Laila just got a new haircutJohn: Did you get a new haircut?Laila: Yeah, why?John: I prefer your old one.Now Laila could respond in 3 ways (3 ways, obviously generalised, there are infinite responses)1: OMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGG YOU DON'T LIKE MY NEW HAIRSTYLE, UGGGGGHHHHHH I'M BREAKING UP UGGGGGGHHHHH!!!This is an obviously bad way to respond.2: You don't like it? Ok, I will change it to be however you want. Shave me bald if you wish!This, again, is a bad way to respond, you may as well be his slave if you respond this way.3: You don't like it? Well, thanks for your opinion!This is one of the best ways to respond, take in his opinion and do what YOU want.(Before we move on, he probably isn't trying to make you feel inadequate as he said freckles weren't attractive to his friend and if he did not know you were there wouldn't he tell the truth?)Now, let's break down some of the comments.La Esmerelda:

Reply 17

R.Murphy1

oh hOoONEeeY you need to leave him, find a man who treats you as the beautiful queen you are xx

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But seriously, If after you've spoken to him about it he doesn't stop (or at least tone it down, it's hard to break a habit), I'd talk to him again about it and tell him how it really makes you feel because he definitely won't want you feeling sad because of him when he loves you. And if he still doesn't stop he's trying to lower your self confidence in which case: ditch him. No person or relationship is worth sacrificing a positive view of yourself, after all you're the only person who's gonna be with you all the time, you're the only person who really knows yourself so love yourself boo xx

Drop him.

What is up with all this "ditch him" nonsense?

OP, it seriously sounds like he's just being playful. He's teasing you and nothing more. I'm certain he thinks very highly of you and is just doing what most guys do with their girl, which is to have a little fun.

Instead, try and work on your confidence a little.