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Mum kept multiple stillbirths secret for my whole life until recently

My mum recently told me that I had four siblings that unfortunately were stillborn (three older siblings and one younger, although I was too young to remember that one). She has not told my other siblings and it exasperates me that my younger sister has no idea that she had a stillborn twin. I understand that it was very hard for my mum to tell me about that, and she told me that she wanted to shield us from the grief so did not tell us, which I understand, but when I was younger, I would say to her e.g. that I would rather have a baby boy than a baby girl when I grow up, and she would shout at me and tell I was being flippant and ungrateful, making me feel confused and agitated. Since I was told I have not done that out of respect, but my younger siblings ask her things about her personal life that perhaps overlap into that subject, and she gets angry and that just creates an argument that involves that my whole family, which is happening increasingly often. I do not feel at all comfortable asking questions about this as she is extremely sensitive and I want to know but I don't know how to approach her and start the conversation. I have instead been searching the house for photos or records but have not yet found anything. I know that I will have to tell her at some point and that she will have to tell my younger siblings as I feel that she is keeping a toxic secret that will only get worse. I am aware that most of you will have not been placed in this situation but any suggestions about how to approach someone in a difficult situation would be appreciated.
Reply 1
Perhaps she needs grief counselling? Hidden grief, like with still borns and miscarriages, are often overlooked or brushed to the side by family or the people directly involved. People don't know how to approach the person struggling, so they simply don't. Perhaps she internalised that? I dunno. I do think that she needs help. I'm sorry that this has happened to you and your family. My mum miscarried before me, I actually found out at quite a young age, she said it made me special, as I was a rainbow baby - I suppose this is how she coped with it and moved on in a way. It's hard for her still, and I'm 26 now!
Original post by A.Hansen04
I do not feel at all comfortable asking questions about this as she is extremely sensitive and I want to know but I don't know how to approach her and start the conversation.

Don't mither her about it. She will talk when she is ready - going on at her will just make her feel a bit attacked, regardless of how 'nicely' you try to do this.

I have instead been searching the house for photos or records but have not yet found anything.


Please stop doing this. It is a breach of your mother's privacy to search for things which do not belong to you in lieu of her telling you what you want to hear. If you're discovered doing this, it will irrevocably break the trust your mother has already put in you by telling you about this matter.

I know that I will have to tell her at some point and that she will have to tell my younger siblings as I feel that she is keeping a toxic secret that will only get worse. I am aware that most of you will have not been placed in this situation but any suggestions about how to approach someone in a difficult situation would be appreciated.


This is your mother's information, and it is for her to decide with whom she wishes to share it, and when. You need to back off a bit with her, I think.
Original post by Pathway
Perhaps she needs grief counselling? Hidden grief, like with still borns and miscarriages, are often overlooked or brushed to the side by family or the people directly involved. People don't know how to approach the person struggling, so they simply don't. Perhaps she internalised that? I dunno. I do think that she needs help. I'm sorry that this has happened to you and your family. My mum miscarried before me, I actually found out at quite a young age, she said it made me special, as I was a rainbow baby - I suppose this is how she coped with it and moved on in a way. It's hard for her still, and I'm 26 now!

Thank you for your advice. I would definitely agree that she needs counselling of some sort, and that she has hidden her grief. She has obviously hidden the documents or pictures etc. I am sorry that your mother had a miscarriage, that is very hard for your family, and the fact that she told you at a young age and it got better for her is a sign that my mum should tell my siblings. Thank you very much!
Yeah... Im only 15 and have 3 younger siblings and my mum told me how she had a miscarriage during Ramadan (she didnt know she was pregnant at that time) and when I found out I didnt know what to think. I think you should give your mother time and when she is ready, she will tell your younger siblings. Considering she waited until you were more mature, it would make sense as to why she doesn't want to tell your younger siblings.
Maybe tell your siblings to be considerate of their questions?
Reply 5
Original post by A.Hansen04
Thank you for your advice. I would definitely agree that she needs counselling of some sort, and that she has hidden her grief. She has obviously hidden the documents or pictures etc. I am sorry that your mother had a miscarriage, that is very hard for your family, and the fact that she told you at a young age and it got better for her is a sign that my mum should tell my siblings. Thank you very much!


You have to understand though, this was done on my mum's time, no pressure. You can't and more importantly shouldn't force your mum to speak about it if she can't. It has to be done when she's able to. I very much agree with what @Reality Check said. Just be there to support your mum where you can, and if you're struggling with this yourself, seek support for yourself preferably outside of your immediate family, like via a counsellor or your GP. This sort of thing is incredibly sensitive. She will speak when she feels able to. Counselling could be an option, and no doubt she was likely offered this at the start too, but grief this traumatic shouldn't be pushed and it's not your place to push it.
Original post by Reality Check
Don't mither her about it. She will talk when she is ready - going on at her will just make her feel a bit attacked, regardless of how 'nicely' you try to do this.



Please stop doing this. It is a breach of your mother's privacy to search for things which do not belong to you in lieu of her telling you what you want to hear. If you're discovered doing this, it will irrevocably break the trust your mother has already put in you by telling you about this matter.



This is your mother's information, and it is for her to decide with whom she wishes to share it, and when. You need to back off a bit with her, I think.

I know that searching the house for documents is a breach on her privacy, but you have to understand that I don't know how to ask her and since my stillborn siblings are never spoken about, I want to find out more about them so that I can remember them on birthdays etc. My mum has kept it secret for nearly 16 yrs now and the fact that me and my siblings would argue with her about topics that we didn't know were sensitive to her, and that we never knew what was going on with her is a reason for me to ask her as I feel that she is not open to starting a conversation about it. Her side of the family keep massive secrets from each other, and it is a very toxic atmosphere to be around, and I just don't want that with my mum.
Original post by Reality Check
Don't mither her about it. She will talk when she is ready - going on at her will just make her feel a bit attacked, regardless of how 'nicely' you try to do this.



Please stop doing this. It is a breach of your mother's privacy to search for things which do not belong to you in lieu of her telling you what you want to hear. If you're discovered doing this, it will irrevocably break the trust your mother has already put in you by telling you about this matter.



This is your mother's information, and it is for her to decide with whom she wishes to share it, and when. You need to back off a bit with her, I think.

But thank you anyway, sometimes I don't know when to stop, I definitely agree that I just need to be patient and respect her privacy and feelings
Original post by A.Hansen04
I know that searching the house for documents is a breach on her privacy, but you have to understand that I don't know how to ask her and since my stillborn siblings are never spoken about, I want to find out more about them so that I can remember them on birthdays etc.


You're missing the point. It's entirely irrelevant what your thoughts on this are, even though I can see it's coming from a good place and a desire to 'help'. The point is that if your mother wanted to share this stuff with you or your siblings she would. She chooses not to. You don't agree with that, and instead set about to search through her stuff to 'uncover' it. This is entirely unacceptable and needs to stop. There is no justification for it.


My mum has kept it secret for nearly 16 yrs now and the fact that me and my siblings would argue with her about topics that we didn't know were sensitive to her, and that we never knew what was going on with her is a reason for me to ask her as I feel that she is not open to starting a conversation about it.


And that is your mother's choice. It might be a choice you don't agree with, but it's still her choice and you must respect her right to make it.

Her side of the family keep massive secrets from each other, and it is a very toxic atmosphere to be around, and I just don't want that with my mum.


Again, I can see that this is all coming from a good place from you. But it is focussed on you and your feelings, rather than those of your mother's. You need to accept that this might not be the way you'd go about things (though it is difficult to say this when you aren't the one that went though these traumatic events) - but your mother has made a different choice and you need to respect this. By all means support her, and be there for her to talk, but only when she is ready to talk - and you'll know this is if you're sensitive and listen carefully to her. Don't push it - it's going to increase her hurt and, ironically, make her less inclined to talk about it to you.
Original post by Anonymous
Yeah... Im only 15 and have 3 younger siblings and my mum told me how she had a miscarriage during Ramadan (she didnt know she was pregnant at that time) and when I found out I didnt know what to think. I think you should give your mother time and when she is ready, she will tell your younger siblings. Considering she waited until you were more mature, it would make sense as to why she doesn't want to tell your younger siblings.
Maybe tell your siblings to be considerate of their questions?


Thank you :smile:
Reply 10
Original post by A.Hansen04
My mum recently told me that I had four siblings that unfortunately were stillborn (three older siblings and one younger, although I was too young to remember that one). She has not told my other siblings and it exasperates me that my younger sister has no idea that she had a stillborn twin. I understand that it was very hard for my mum to tell me about that, and she told me that she wanted to shield us from the grief so did not tell us, which I understand, but when I was younger, I would say to her e.g. that I would rather have a baby boy than a baby girl when I grow up, and she would shout at me and tell I was being flippant and ungrateful, making me feel confused and agitated. Since I was told I have not done that out of respect, but my younger siblings ask her things about her personal life that perhaps overlap into that subject, and she gets angry and that just creates an argument that involves that my whole family, which is happening increasingly often. I do not feel at all comfortable asking questions about this as she is extremely sensitive and I want to know but I don't know how to approach her and start the conversation. I have instead been searching the house for photos or records but have not yet found anything. I know that I will have to tell her at some point and that she will have to tell my younger siblings as I feel that she is keeping a toxic secret that will only get worse. I am aware that most of you will have not been placed in this situation but any suggestions about how to approach someone in a difficult situation would be appreciated.


Your mother has gone through one of the most painful, traumatic experiences any woman can have not just once but 4 times. It is entirely up to her how she manages to deal with that. Please do not snoop or breach her privacy - Reality Check is absolutely right. I can understand that it must have been a shock, but you cannot insist she tells your younger siblings if she does not feel comfortable doing so, and you don't have any right to information that she is not comfortable sharing.

That your mother has now told you is probably because she sees you as old/mature enough. Perhaps you could start a conversation by telling her that you have been thinking about what she told you and can only imagine how awful if must have been for her. Ask gently if she received any counselling to support at the time because there is help out there that she may benefit from even at this stage.

Please do not focus on your right to know (you come across as caring, but your post does read a bit as if you blame her for withholding things you should be told). The raw pain of these losses is something that is something she has to deal with and she has the right to chose her own way of doing so.

Best wishes
Ultimately, it is her decision to tell other members of the family which is always something to keep in mind. I'm not sure whether telling you and asking you to keep it yourself was the right decision imo but it's been done and you can't go back and change it. Either way, it's a shock, and you're bound to feel a mixture of emotions - upset, confusion, perhaps even a bit of betrayal. When it comes to your younger siblings wanting to know about her past and personal life, I would shy away from taking sides as much as possible and de-escalate the situation as best as you can, whether that's by changing the subject or taking on more of a pacifist role.

Your mum will probably tell your siblings in due course, for now all you can do is support her. If that means waiting until she is ready to talk about it, then accept her choice and let her speak in her own time. I don't think searching the house for records is fair (it's a massive breach of privacy for one) or helpful, it may well leave you with more questions rather than answers. I understand that you're curious but it's down to your mum to disclose that info when she is ready.
(edited 3 years ago)
Original post by username5302680
My mum recently told me that I had four siblings that unfortunately were stillborn (three older siblings and one younger, although I was too young to remember that one). She has not told my other siblings and it exasperates me that my younger sister has no idea that she had a stillborn twin. I understand that it was very hard for my mum to tell me about that, and she told me that she wanted to shield us from the grief so did not tell us, which I understand, but when I was younger, I would say to her e.g. that I would rather have a baby boy than a baby girl when I grow up, and she would shout at me and tell I was being flippant and ungrateful, making me feel confused and agitated. Since I was told I have not done that out of respect, but my younger siblings ask her things about her personal life that perhaps overlap into that subject, and she gets angry and that just creates an argument that involves that my whole family, which is happening increasingly often. I do not feel at all comfortable asking questions about this as she is extremely sensitive and I want to know but I don't know how to approach her and start the conversation. I have instead been searching the house for photos or records but have not yet found anything. I know that I will have to tell her at some point and that she will have to tell my younger siblings as I feel that she is keeping a toxic secret that will only get worse. I am aware that most of you will have not been placed in this situation but any suggestions about how to approach someone in a difficult situation would be appreciated.


Its for your mum to do and not you. How old are you and how old is the sibling?
You underestimate how deeply traumatic one still birth can be never mind four.
Pathways answer was good on finding a stillbirth charity, but you need to tread carefully and respect your mums privacy.

And ofc 100% agree with Reality Check. be aware of the damage you can cause by interfering where its not wanted under some misguided feeling of doing some sort of duty.
(edited 3 years ago)

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