depression after forced ED recoveryWatch
They're called eating disorders for a reason... You may think that controlling what you eat will ultimately help you but in the end your eating disorder will act as a cancer in your mind, consuming all your thoughts, happiness, personality until you have nothing, at which point you either die or get treatment. You probably already know this on some level.
Recovery is the only option in the long run. The support services will always be there for you, as will the love and support of people close to you. It is hard and you will feel like giving up but once you are free from the tyranny of your eating disorder you will never look back. Until then, I am sorry for you. I wish there was some way I could help you. Know that you are important, even if it doesn't feel like it, and know that there is always a way out.