Am I in denial about my sexuality? Or is it anxiety?

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Anonymous #1
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Ive posted about this before but it’s still driving me insane ): I’ll start off by saying I’m a 17 year old girl. Ever since I broke up with my last boyfriend I’ve started to question my sexuality because I lost feelings for him because he was overly clingy. When I started to notice I was losing feelings I started panicking and asking myself if the real reason I didn’t want to be with him anymore was because I was truly a lesbian. This idea of me being lesbian formed out of nowhere, it’s really starting to affect my mental health, to mention this has been bothering me since March ): I’m constantly getting anxious over my sexuality, I’ve watched lesbian porn and I’ve enjoyed it and have found it appealing but I wouldn’t try to do anything sexual with a girl in real life. Porn is also apart of the reason I’ve been constantly questioning my sexuality, it’s not normal for me to be appealed to lesbian porn, is it? I get so anxious about over the idea of being lesbian to the point where I’m constantly google searching signs that I’m lesbian or ill read about people’s coming out stories. One day when I was searching, I found out about HOCD, which is basically false intrusive thoughts about your sexuality. I relate so so much to all of the symptoms of HOCD and I’m convinced I may have it but I’m scared I’m just in denial and scared about being a lesbian. I’ve considered myself straight all of my life, I’ve been in 2 relationships and I’ve always had crushes on guys. I feel like my anxiety has gotten so bad to the point where my brain is tricking me into confessing that I’m a lesbian. This is all very stressful!! I’m not homophobic at all, I just see myself marrying a man but then I have a fear that I’m living a lie and my brain is trying to tell me the truth which is that I’m a lesbian. I’ve never questioned my sexuality until now, this has added so much stress into my life, I don’t want to be lesbian, I don’t want to be constantly worried about my sexuality, I really want to go back to the days where I wouldn’t even question if I were a lesbian. I’m so so scared, I don’t know how to cope with this fear, I wake up in the morning and the first thing my brain tells me is “you’re lesbian” and then I stress about it for the whole day ): does this sound like denial or anxiety? Help would be very appreciated, I feel trapped in my thoughts, I’ve never felt so alone ):
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Ive posted about this before but it’s still driving me insane ): I’ll start off by saying I’m a 17 year old girl. Ever since I broke up with my last boyfriend I’ve started to question my sexuality because I lost feelings for him because he was overly clingy. When I started to notice I was losing feelings I started panicking and asking myself if the real reason I didn’t want to be with him anymore was because I was truly a lesbian. This idea of me being lesbian formed out of nowhere, it’s really starting to affect my mental health, to mention this has been bothering me since March ): I’m constantly getting anxious over my sexuality, I’ve watched lesbian porn and I’ve enjoyed it and have found it appealing but I wouldn’t try to do anything sexual with a girl in real life. Porn is also apart of the reason I’ve been constantly questioning my sexuality, it’s not normal for me to be appealed to lesbian porn, is it? I get so anxious about over the idea of being lesbian to the point where I’m constantly google searching signs that I’m lesbian or ill read about people’s coming out stories. One day when I was searching, I found out about HOCD, which is basically false intrusive thoughts about your sexuality. I relate so so much to all of the symptoms of HOCD and I’m convinced I may have it but I’m scared I’m just in denial and scared about being a lesbian. I’ve considered myself straight all of my life, I’ve been in 2 relationships and I’ve always had crushes on guys. I feel like my anxiety has gotten so bad to the point where my brain is tricking me into confessing that I’m a lesbian. This is all very stressful!! I’m not homophobic at all, I just see myself marrying a man but then I have a fear that I’m living a lie and my brain is trying to tell me the truth which is that I’m a lesbian. I’ve never questioned my sexuality until now, this has added so much stress into my life, I don’t want to be lesbian, I don’t want to be constantly worried about my sexuality, I really want to go back to the days where I wouldn’t even question if I were a lesbian. I’m so so scared, I don’t know how to cope with this fear, I wake up in the morning and the first thing my brain tells me is “you’re lesbian” and then I stress about it for the whole day ): does this sound like denial or anxiety? Help would be very appreciated, I feel trapped in my thoughts, I’ve never felt so alone ):
To mention, the anxiety has only gotten worse the past 4 months. Now I’m scared to look at girls because if I find them pretty I’ll question if I just find them pretty OR if I find them attractive. I don’t even find guys attractive anymore which STRESSES me out because I always had crushes on guys. And all of a sudden, I’m finding some girls that I never thought of as attractive, attractive now. This has made me cry so many times, I’ve always been an anxious person even as a kid.
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Political_Weirdo
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There is a difference between sexual attraction, and your want for a relationship. Yes, you should be willing to experiment and there is no reason for you to actually worry about your sexual preferences. You don't need to enjoy "sex" to have a relationship. It may be that you're more interested in a different type. Again everyone is different.

Well, I hope that brief thing at least tried to help but yeah. Stop worrying, it won't help you at all. At least try anyways.
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Foxehh
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You dont need a label. That seems to be what is tripping you up.

Why does it scare you to be a lesbian? Is it just different to what you want to be?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by LovelyMrFox)
You dont need a label. That seems to be what is tripping you up.

Why does it scare you to be a lesbian? Is it just different to what you want to be?
I don’t have a problem with lesbians I just don’t feel that it’s a right label for me, but my thoughts are telling me different. I just feel super confused, I’ve always had interest in guys but my last relationship made me question everything ):
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Political_Weirdo)
There is a difference between sexual attraction, and your want for a relationship. Yes, you should be willing to experiment and there is no reason for you to actually worry about your sexual preferences. You don't need to enjoy "sex" to have a relationship. It may be that you're more interested in a different type. Again everyone is different.

Well, I hope that brief thing at least tried to help but yeah. Stop worrying, it won't help you at all. At least try anyways.
I try so hard not to worry , I distract myself and the thoughts go away but then my brain reminds me of all of these thoughts and it continues to affect me. It’s like impossible to not think about it because it’s been such a problem for me for MONTHS )): thank you for your reply by the way <3
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Foxehh
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I don’t have a problem with lesbians I just don’t feel that it’s a right label for me, but my thoughts are telling me different. I just feel super confused, I’ve always had interest in guys but my last relationship made me question everything ):
You could have just realized you were interested in girls. I was interested in guys for a while, and then I just started finding women attractive.

You dont need a label. You could just say your interested in girls, and that is good enough.
Maybe try dating a girl, and then see how it is. Youll never know what you like if you dont experiment. If you realize your actually just attracted to guys, you can go back to dating them.
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Foxehh
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(Original post by Clez)
Come on, this isn't helpful. Now you're just trying the soft sell to convince her that she's definitely a lesbian - of which there is no absolute proof - it's a propaganda device - 1 more troop in the garrison.There's quite enough of that rhetoric coming from the Stonewall lot for my liking. She's clearly distressed and needs it worked through with an open mind and open possibilities.
Erm, what?
I just gave her an idea to try something out. She doesnt have to if she doesnt want to, and Im not trying to 'convince her shes a lesbian' or whatever your trying to say. But OP is saying she has an attraction to girls, so Im just putting out the option to date a girl.
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Nabu123
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Just because you like lesbian porn doesnt make you a lesbian. I know plenty of straight girls who watch gay porn just because it's a lot less aggressive lol. If you only see yourself marrying a man than you are probably straight. However sexuality is a spectrum so if its really bothering you, you could always try and see if you like being with a girl if not then you know you're 100% straight.
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Clez
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(Original post by LovelyMrFox)
Erm, what?
I just gave her an idea to try something out. She doesnt have to if she doesnt want to, and Im not trying to 'convince her shes a lesbian' or whatever your trying to say. But OP is saying she has an attraction to girls, so Im just putting out the option to date a girl.
I changed my mind on that post but you already replied. Probably a bit frosty, but there's a lot of that sort of rhetoric going around.
My point was that from reading the OP there are a lot of internal issues at play which should be worked through, here or elsewhere, without suggesting she dive straight into the sex of it. She's only 17 too, there could be all kinds of complications and implications there, especially as her attitude to that form of attraction has to have come from somewhere.
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Foxehh
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(Original post by Clez)
I changed my mind on that post but you already replied. Probably a bit frosty, but there's a lot of that sort of rhetoric going around.
My point was that from reading the OP there are a lot of internal issues at play which should be worked through, here or elsewhere, without suggesting she dive straight into the sex of it. She's only 17 too, there could be all kinds of complications and implications there, especially as her attitude to that form of attraction has to have come from somewhere.
I didnt say just dive right into it. What I was trying to say to OP is to look at it in a different light without labels. So basically to figure herself out, and then not be afraid to try relationships with girls out in the future.

You came at me though, which was totally uncalled for. Re-read what you type before you hit submit next time.
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Clez
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(Original post by LovelyMrFox)
I didnt say just dive right into it. What I was trying to say to OP is to look at it in a different light without labels. So basically to figure herself out, and then not be afraid to try relationships with girls out in the future.

You came at me though, which was totally uncalled for. Re-read what you type before you hit submit next time.
You implied it. I'm sorry if you were affronted but you have to be careful what you advise to people who are still dependent. One piece of well-meaning wayward advice could mean irreparable damage, homelessness and years of distress under certain circumstances. It happens.
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Foxehh
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(Original post by Clez)
You implied it. I'm sorry if you were affronted but you have to be careful what you advise to people who are still dependent. One piece of well-meaning wayward advice could mean irreparable damage, homelessness and years of distress under certain circumstances. It happens.
I told OP to not focus on labels, meaning OP needs to take a break and figure herself out.
Can you please give me some examples of what you mean with "irreparable damage, homelessness and years of distress"? Are you talking about this girl's parents kicking her out if she thinks she is gay? I did not say to come out to everyone. But figuring yourself out and finding what you are into is important, hence the "think about it".
I also trust OP to know whether or not her parents are homophobic. And if OP does not, I trust her to do the smart and safe thing. Shes 17 for christ's sake.
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Clez
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(Original post by LovelyMrFox)
I told OP to not focus on labels, meaning OP needs to take a break and figure herself out.
Can you please give me some examples of what you mean with "irreparable damage, homelessness and years of distress"? Are you talking about this girl's parents kicking her out if she thinks she is gay? I did not say to come out to everyone. But figuring yourself out and finding what you are into is important, hence the "think about it".
I also trust OP to know whether or not her parents are homophobic. And if OP does not, I trust her to do the smart and safe thing. Shes 17 for christ's sake.
And how old are you? 17 is part of a key transitional age where things can quickly turn pear shaped if mismanaged.
Yes, homelessness can occur as a result of parental outrage and homophobia doesn't have to be apparent. Some people are perfectly fine with other people being LGBT but then it turns into something else altogether when it applies to their own children. As for the other damages/distresses - I refer to the inevitable mental health consequences of such negative things occurring and their knock-on effects on productivity - particularly as she already suffers from considerable anxiety - as well as the availability of support networks, community, friends, healthcare, finance and resources. Some people live in cities, others live in the middle of nowhere - and since none of this information has been made available in the post, it is wise to express a degree of caution to the potential or actual vulnerability of the person concerned.
Last edited by Clez; 1 year ago
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paul514
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Ive posted about this before but it’s still driving me insane ): I’ll start off by saying I’m a 17 year old girl. Ever since I broke up with my last boyfriend I’ve started to question my sexuality because I lost feelings for him because he was overly clingy. When I started to notice I was losing feelings I started panicking and asking myself if the real reason I didn’t want to be with him anymore was because I was truly a lesbian. This idea of me being lesbian formed out of nowhere, it’s really starting to affect my mental health, to mention this has been bothering me since March ): I’m constantly getting anxious over my sexuality, I’ve watched lesbian porn and I’ve enjoyed it and have found it appealing but I wouldn’t try to do anything sexual with a girl in real life. Porn is also apart of the reason I’ve been constantly questioning my sexuality, it’s not normal for me to be appealed to lesbian porn, is it? I get so anxious about over the idea of being lesbian to the point where I’m constantly google searching signs that I’m lesbian or ill read about people’s coming out stories. One day when I was searching, I found out about HOCD, which is basically false intrusive thoughts about your sexuality. I relate so so much to all of the symptoms of HOCD and I’m convinced I may have it but I’m scared I’m just in denial and scared about being a lesbian. I’ve considered myself straight all of my life, I’ve been in 2 relationships and I’ve always had crushes on guys. I feel like my anxiety has gotten so bad to the point where my brain is tricking me into confessing that I’m a lesbian. This is all very stressful!! I’m not homophobic at all, I just see myself marrying a man but then I have a fear that I’m living a lie and my brain is trying to tell me the truth which is that I’m a lesbian. I’ve never questioned my sexuality until now, this has added so much stress into my life, I don’t want to be lesbian, I don’t want to be constantly worried about my sexuality, I really want to go back to the days where I wouldn’t even question if I were a lesbian. I’m so so scared, I don’t know how to cope with this fear, I wake up in the morning and the first thing my brain tells me is “you’re lesbian” and then I stress about it for the whole day ): does this sound like denial or anxiety? Help would be very appreciated, I feel trapped in my thoughts, I’ve never felt so alone ):
I got half way through your wall of writing.

No idea why being a lesbian or bi would make you anxious. The only way to know is to try it and do t get hung up on what you are watching look up the top 50 searches men look at and you will soon see a lot of them are to do with penis’
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Bio 7
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(Original post by Clez)
And how old are you? 17 is part of a key transitional age where things can quickly turn pear shaped if mismanaged.
Yes, homelessness can occur as a result of parental outrage and homophobia doesn't have to be apparent. Some people are perfectly fine with other people being LGBT but then it turns into something else altogether when it applies to their own children. As for the other damages/distresses - I refer to the inevitable mental health consequences of such negative things occurring and their knock-on effects on productivity - particularly as she already suffers from considerable anxiety - as well as the availability of support networks, community, friends, healthcare, finance and resources. Some people live in cities, others live in the middle of nowhere - and since none of this information has been made available in the post, it is wise to express a degree of caution to the potential or actual vulnerability of the person concerned.
You've made massive leaps here. OP is 17 she should be starting her plans for the rest of her life in the next few years so I'm sure she's old enough to judge who to talk to about it.
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Foxehh
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(Original post by Clez)
And how old are you? 17 is part of a key transitional age where things can quickly turn pear shaped if mismanaged.
Yes, homelessness can occur as a result of parental outrage and homophobia doesn't have to be apparent. Some people are perfectly fine with other people being LGBT but then it turns into something else altogether when it applies to their own children. As for the other damages/distresses - I refer to the inevitable mental health consequences of such negative things occurring and their knock-on effects on productivity - particularly as she already suffers from considerable anxiety - as well as the availability of support networks, community, friends, healthcare, finance and resources. Some people live in cities, others live in the middle of nowhere - and since none of this information has been made available in the post, it is wise to express a degree of caution to the potential or actual vulnerability of the person concerned.
Once again, I trust OP to know her parents. She is 17 years old.

OP asked for advice on what to do, not how to go about dealing with her parents, so I gave her my advice on how to get rid of this anxiety.
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Elizapancakes
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Hi. This is horrible advice for someone who says they relate to HOCD. Idk it might just be horrible advice for anyone. She never actually said she was interested in girls. She said she is anxious about it. So encouraging her to try dating a girl is going to make her feel like she needs to do something that she is definitely not ready for and may never want. The issue she is having has less to do with sexuality and more to do with internal turmoil of trying to come to a conclusion that she won’t be able to come to while she’s overthinking all of it. OP, I encourage you to download the NOCD app. It will connect you with people struggling with the same thing and from there you can even try ERP therapy with a professional which will probably get you further than asking strangers to weigh in on your sexuality. (Has never been a positive for me)
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