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My ex forced me to get back with her...

Yes, I'm a simp (if stuff doesn't make sense, sorry). I've run out of options that's why I'm on here. I've tried everything.

Short short story:
I !@£$ed up.

Short story:
Her best mate texts me tell me shes upset. shes been blocked for 4 months prior. Yes, I miss her, but I promise myself that she deserves better and it wouldn't be right to be with her. I refuse and tell her imma go, she goes off. She tells me she's going to do all these things. Starts crying, just want her to be happy. tell her to stop, asks her to understand where I'm coming from, just doing the best for her. Doesn't stop pestering me, until I accept and now I'm in a relationship again.

Long Story:

I'm 16, I've known this girl since I was 14. I met her at a house party. We started off as friends as I was seeing someone at the time. Long story short, that girl cheated on me (no big deal I was 14) and left me. I was a @£$%boy anyway (no idea if u can swear on here). Me being a @£$%boy, quickly ask my ex out. She had a crush on me, so she said yes. I didn't, I just did it cuz I was bored and it was literally teenage lust in a nutshell. One month into the relationship, I catch feelings. She wasn't a model or anything but she actually gave a @£$% about stuff and me, and we got along like a couple.

Did I treat her right? Not even close. I would take her on dates and buy her everything (I'm not rich, working-class kid turned middle-class cuz my parents worked their way up with jobs and stuff, and I was making a lot of money from selling.) I made her laugh as well. But there were problems. I never told her the truth for the bigger things. After a while, stuff like that is needed if u want a relationship. Stuff like my wellbeing and sometimes where I was going and who was I with. Hidden. I would just make up with it by buying @£$% and making her laugh and smile. Why? I haven't got like major secrets that are so so personal, I just don't like opening up and people leave when they get too close. Other problems like I saw her as too possessive. Now looking at it, she wasn't. She just wanted the same effort that she was putting in and didn't want me to get too close to other girls and do something stupid. I wasn't, but she had every right to keep tabs on it. Another little thing like I wouldn't try to be too possessive myself, personally I just didn't want her to think I owned her or some @£$%. Looking back, she just wanted love. Sure you can say I love you, but what's the point if you don't mean it?

Moving on, I dated her for a year. Well a week before my 1 year with her. I broke up with her. I was in a dark place at the time and was planning to take my life. I knew how loving she was, and didn't want her to feel attached or feel like she didn't do enough to stop it. So getting rid of her, sure heartbreak but the plan was in place so she would never find out that I died. (Don't take this as an excuse for treating her like @£$%, my actions for how I treated her cannot be excused). I didn't take my life, I don't want to go into the full story. If I have to, I can. I'd rather not if that's okay.

I joined sixth form, she found me again. Hadn't seen her or talked since I dumped her. She wanted to get back together but I outright refused and said we could be mates and we should have no hard feelings. Still never told her the truth and kept lying. Before Lockdown, massive fight as she had enough and just wanted to be back with me and called me a @£$%hole and that I'm a liar and just play games with every girl. I block her, my reasoning at the time was that having any relationship with her will just prove bad so pushing us our separate ways will let us rebuild ourselves.

Recently, her mate was texting me. Telling me that she's in a bad state and that she misses me. Quarantine hasn't been kind to me; I'm stressed out, put on weight due to comfort eating and started all my addictions back up that I was fighting to stop. Yes, I miss her and in order to not make any stupid decisions, I let my 2 mates know the situation. Not my closest, but sensible mates. People who know me and her and know relationships.

From what you read, I'm not nice. I'm not gonna claim to be, I just wanted to help her. it got at me that she was upset because of what I did, just wanted to help. Got advice from my mates and just started slowly.

Asked her how she was, if she had a boyfriend. It was weird. she did. Now how does that make sense? She's upset but she's with someone else. I was an idiot and just moved past it. She had been with him for 2 weeks. I was cheering her up, but be careful to keep her in a friendzone (kinda). She quickly got the wrong idea, pushed her new bf to the friendzone when I told her, literally, don't and that I was happy for her.

She then admitted (quoted) " but u texted me again and like i can't help it it like I don't wanna feel this anymore like id already realised ur a @£$% but I still have feelings for u". I ask her why she feels like that. she hates my excuses. I tell her you can't have both. you can't love me and then think I'm a liar. I tell her the truth, I still love her but I don't want us to be an item. I explain to her that I need to learn to love myself before I look for someone to be with and she should do the same. And she needs to understand her worth for her to try run back to a liar and someone whos "fake". I even offer to tell her the truth about every lie I told during our relationship, in order to cement that we should go separate ways and be happy.

I tell her the full truth of everything, i think she deserves it and my mates advised that i shouldn't try to cheer her up on lies. I explained to her that now we should move on. She kicked off.

Saying there was no point of me coming back if i was going to leave again. Calls me a liar giving her hope again.We go back and forth, yes what i did was out of order but i swear i was trying to help her. Didnt know it was going to backfire. Just wanted to help. I literally said coming to me is a downgrade and she replied; okay but i @£$%ing told you that i couldn't care about that if i said i want u then i want you. I bell her, shes crying and saying "just block me again and @£$% off like u always do".

I hang up and just try to clear my head and now im talking to my 2 mates guiding me, @£$%ing myself. I give in, say ill listen to what she wants as long as i get my second opinion heard. I even show her the second opinion saying that falling in love with me won't bring her happiness and that we should focus on bigger things because were young.

she listens and just says you can either say yes or your $£um. As a last-ditch attempt, I offer to be a complete cuck and say she can have an exclusive open relationship. I remain in a closed relationship and she can search for someone else while being with me. She refuses.

I say okay, you win. and shes changed her status and all. So I'm not single anymore.

I tell my mates exactly what happened. One of em tells me to stuff it after all the hard work they put in doing the best for me and I let a girl get the better of me, and leaves. The other pretends she isn't offended but is. I say sorry. that's all that's left in me.

@£$%ed up is an understatement. I have no idea what to do. This is way too long for anyone to read, its just counselling services say generic lines they are told to say and my close mates are typical lads (i told one of em everything that's happened an hour ago and told me to stop being such a @£$%). Sorry if I sounded Idk excuse giving or narcissistic or stupid in this or if it doesn't make sense. Just gotta be honest...