My current situationWatch
When I was in Year 8 and picking my GCSEs I went for a taster session for each subject, including computer science. Before that I thought computer science was really difficult since it was just about coding and programming etc. But I got interested pretty early and after doing a lot of research I realised that Computer Science was the career which I really wanted to go into. I am a very creative person and I love just basically making things, which is why I love video production and cooking/baking. When I started Year 9 I was always - without bragging - the best in the class for programming, like I'd even add more material than what the teacher would ask for and I enjoyed helping people who asked me for tips.
Then halfway through Year 9 one night I was in the car with my dad and he finally asked me what I want to do as career. I told him I really wanted to do computer science because A), I love it and B), it's gonna become one of the highest paying jobs in the world since there'll be more of a need for computer scientists. But he just blatantly started saying that it's all a load of rubbish and that computer science is something that's mainstream and only for people who have no other option in life. Then he asked me what else I liked and I said 'science is ok' and that's when he told me to just do science then, which wouldn't be unlikely for him to tell me since he is a doctor himself.
But that conversation made me lose confidence and hope in continuing doing computer science, because I thought there was no point in studying it if I couldn't even have it as a career. So I started to slack off a lot in lessons and in Year 10 my teacher even pointed out that there was a drastic change in my performance at parents evenings, but my dad would just dismiss it as me just being lazy.
Because I had no more hope in myself I ended up getting a 3 in GCSE Computer Science in Year 11, and right now I'm doing a BTEC Science Course in Year 12. And it took me a while to realise that I had basically just become a puppet who was being controlled by his dad for what to do in life if I wanted to keep a roof over my head.
Everything I just said is basically just a nutshell of each experience. I now have completely no interest in Computer Science whatsoever and have no other career option I can think of that my dad would approve apart from anything to do with science. Because of that I have attempted s*ic*de many times in the past but every time I try to do it the physical pain is what puts me out of it, even though for at least the past 2 years I have been in a mental state where I wouldn't care at all if I died right now.
The annoying fact that my future career has been forcefully chosen by someone other than me is what hangs over me like a dark cloud, especially since if I have to do all the studying I'm doing right now if I want to keep a roof over my head.
I'm not seeking any counselling or advice to help me because it's never helped me in the past and I've already decided that I want to end my life as soon as possible before I keep acting like a puppet. I just wanted to write this whole thing to get it off my chest.
Im sory you feel like this.
But one thing dont end your life. I know right now things seem tough and hard but trust me itll get better. Surround yourself with the right people and youll soon find yourself rising up. You need to stop listening to others and tell your dad honestly what you think and how you feel.
If it hurts you to stay with your dad, maybe move out or see someone else. I know its easier said than done and that my advice might seem like **** to you but its honestly the best i can give you and im sorry if its not enough.
Keep your head up high and keep smiling cos soon the sun will shine upon you
people love you and you might not know it but you are the best thing to happen to them