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    I agree with pipkinlove, if he keeps on demanding this child it's jut wrong. Your wellbeing and happiness should be put first and then everyone else's. Another child is a huge responsibility and will take up another few years of your life while you'll have less time for your other 2 kids. Also are you financially stable enough to support a 3-child family? If you give birth to this baby now you'll drop out of the job market for another x years and relying on your partner's job only is quite risky imo.

    This might sound harsh but you already have 2 kids and life is still ahead of you. Your partner should understand that you've just been through a difficult pregnancy and birth and you're also bringing up 2 young kids and you need time to recover both physicall and mentally. There isn't a heavier argument than this and it's very sad if he's really disrespecting your decision about your own body. I'd say don't let it be forced upon yourself just because you want to keep him. This should not be a reason for your relationship to deteriorate. Try to stay in control of your own life hun, as you say it'd probably be only your responsibility to bring up the kids as he's working all day...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That's not his fault though is it? I'm sure that if it were up to him, he would carry the child himself.
    You can't just punish the man for something that he has no control over.

    If pinksony felt that strongly about not having a child, why didn't she use better protection?
    Well first of all you've just layed all the responsibility of contraception on her which is completely ridiculous. If he doesn't want to go through all this talk of abortion he should have been just as pro-active to put one on the end of it.

    Secondly, how do you know he would rather carry it? The man clearly has no idea what pregnancy and childbirth is like, you can tell from his disregard of her health.

    Also, how is it punishing the man? It's punishing her for his religious beliefs. How do you know he wants the child for the sake of the baby? He might just want it because his Holy Book tells him it's wrong not to have it. How is that at all fair on this poor woman or the other children who are going to have a mum under a lot of strain as a result?

    Yes the man cannot have the baby, that is how human biology works and unfortunately we have to accept it and be logical instead of sacrificing her health for the moral highground of this man.

    Ridiculous.
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    Thank You everyone for all the help.

    Please help me make up dialogue which you think will persuade him:

    I can say: "We have 2 children, we're really happy, I have always lived in your happiness, always did which you were happy in. For this 3rd child I'm not mentally ready and prepared, I'm in lot of stress which is not good for this child and for my future. I haven't fully recovered since the 2nd child (cesarean) and I'm not ready for the 3rd one, can't you agree with me for this once, can't you be happy for me for this once, please".

    Please help me and do write more ways I can say dialogue which will make sure he will agree with me.
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    Well, the main point to get across is that if you have this baby you'll sacrifice your health and wellbeing and also long years in your life for something you don't genuinely want. This should be enough and would work with a reasonable person.

    You could perhaps ask him why he's pushing you so hard to have this baby?

    And in the end even if he doesn't agree do what you want. It's YOUR body, YOUR child, YOUR life and he has no right to decide about that if you can't reach a solution.
    • #7
    #7

    (Original post by pinksony)
    I did for the first 2 children and we both agreed to have the babies, but for this one it is really affecting me mentally and don't know what to do.

    I have put myself in his position and thought through it, he's (we) already have 2 children and do i really want to have the 3rd by risking my partner's life?

    He works full time, sometimes till late night and I have to take care of both children.

    I'm over 30
    You are over 30 and asking teenagers advice on such a sensitive topic...
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    He loves me, but he's saying that things will get better, just pray.

    I have tried to talk to him, but he's not really listening.
    You don't need his permision it's you body just go to the doctors and do. Runining your life for his feelings would be a stupid thing to do.
    • #6
    #6

    (Original post by pipkinlove)
    Well first of all you've just layed all the responsibility of contraception on her which is completely ridiculous. If he doesn't want to go through all this talk of abortion he should have been just as pro-active to put one on the end of it.

    Secondly, how do you know he would rather carry it? The man clearly has no idea what pregnancy and childbirth is like, you can tell from his disregard of her health.

    Also, how is it punishing the man? It's punishing her for his religious beliefs. How do you know he wants the child for the sake of the baby? He might just want it because his Holy Book tells him it's wrong not to have it. How is that at all fair on this poor woman or the other children who are going to have a mum under a lot of strain as a result?

    Yes the man cannot have the baby, that is how human biology works and unfortunately we have to accept it and be logical instead of sacrificing her health for the moral highground of this man.

    Ridiculous.
    Maybe he was quite open to the thought of having another child, and didn't realise that his partner would demand an abortion.

    How do you know he wouldn't want to carry it? He must know a bit about pregnancy and childbirth having watched his partner go through two pregnancies.

    Maybe he does want the child for the sake of the baby. He has two children already which I presume he loves. Who are you to assume that he wouldn't love a third?

    Anyway I can see the original poster has made up her mind that she is going to have an abortion, so I can't see what difference it's going to make what she says to her partner. If he truly feels like she would be killing his child, there's nothing she can say that is going to make him change his mind. Would you just lie down and accept it if somebody wanted to kill your child? But the law being what it is, whether he accepts it or not, he has no rights, so this seems like a pointless thread.

    OP : just have the abortion if that's what you're going to do. Tell your husband about your reasons why you're doing it, but don't hold your breath that he's going to come around to your way of thinking.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You are over 30 and asking teenagers advice on such a sensitive topic...
    With all your respect I don't think this is about age, I think Its about someone's feeling and what the person is going through and besides I'm only asking for help.

    I love him and that's why I still want to persuade him because I still have bit of time for Abortion. As I have said I don't want to do something against, but I can still try and persuade him and that is possible with your help.

    Please keep writing quotes and dislogue. Thank You
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    Hmm, this is a tricky one (and maybe a bunch of teenagers aren't the best judges of the situation) but an abortion should ideally be a joint decision and since you are in a relationship he will know that you have done it. At 7 weeks it is not imperative that you get an abortion immediately (although the earlier the better really) so you have a little while to keep talking to him and re-enforcing your views. If he loves you he should respect your views - and you should tell him that. Good luck.
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    so does anyone else have any other difficult experiences they had to face after cesarean or any mental battle?

    Please do share your experiences (as some one on the previous page have), your experiences might soften his heart.

    Please help
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    I'm not sure what you mean by 'mentally not ready' but there is a condition called tokophobia which is when women are afraid of carrying and child and of birth. This is more common after a traumatic birth. It's worth reading up on with your husband.

    I feel you must be quite upset to consider an abortion, as most people who have carried a child to term find it an unthinkable option. I can see where your husband is coming from, as if you already have children it's far easier to personify this one.
    • #8
    #8

    HerRoyalHighness already told about her decision to keep the unplanned child, so I thought I'd share my experience of having an abortion. Before, I'd imagined it to be a gruesome and traumatising experinece, which it, for me, really wasn't at all...

    Finding out I was pregnant When I found out I was pregnant (despite using contraception) I was shocked. I thought that was something that happened to others, and felt embarrassed bout being in the situation. I'd been putting off doing the pregnancy test for two and a half weeks; I'd been telling myself that my periods were just late due to the exam stress I'd been under. A week after the exams ended, I had to stop kidding myself...

    The decision The decision was quite easy for me. 1. The situation wasn't right: I wasn't really serious with the guy who got me pregnant, and I was in the middle of my studies in a foreign country with a huge student loan and only vague plans about my own future. 2. I had nothing against abortion: I'm liberal and atheist so I didn't have moral issues with abortion. 3. The fact that during the time I hadn't known about the pregnancy I'd been drinking really heavily (the exams had just ended) also contributed to ruling adotion out.

    At this stage I had't told anyone yet, so when I went to see a doctor I was really nervous. There were five people living in our flat at the time, one of whom was against abortion and an unplanned child of a teenage mother herself. Two were pro-choice but had said many times they wouldn't do it themsleves, and one (whom I later told) 100% pro-choice. I went to see a doctor at my uni, and felt so relieved after saying "I'm pregnant" out loud for the first time. I was quite upset and tearful but felt a lot better afterwards, and she referred me to a clinic.

    The day of the abortion. I told my flatmate I was going to work, put on comfy clothes as I was advised and went to the clinic, Marie Stopes in central London. Everyone at the clinic was understanding and friendly and I really felt like they accepted my decision. You can have the abotion under general anaesthetic, conscious sedation or local anaesthetic. I decided to go for the local anaesthetic because of quicker recovery, which meant I was fully conscious and felt some pain during the operation. I cried during the operation, but there was a lovely nurse holding my hand and talking to me, the pain was bearable and the whole thing was over in a couple of minutes. I was taken to a recovery room with other girls who'd had an abortion earlier. When the painkillers kicked in twenty minutes later, all I was left feeling was relief. A massive burden was lifted off my shoulders, I felt extremely relieved and not guilty or sad at all, like women are often expected to feel.

    Afterwards. Three months later, I certainly don't regret having an abortion. I don't talk about the abortion openly, I've only now told it to people who I know are liberal and 100% pro-choice. I don't want to have to explain myself to anyone, and I don't think I should have to... Abortion is still a taboo, and most people expect the woman to feel sorry, guilty or sad about it. Also, I feel a new sense of control over my life and know I can go through hard things by myself. The experience has also made me start to campaign for women's abortion rights in countries that don't have them.
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    (Original post by pinksony)
    I did for the first 2 children and we both agreed to have the babies, but for this one it is really affecting me mentally and don't know what to do.

    I have put myself in his position and thought through it, he's (we) already have 2 children and do i really want to have the 3rd by risking my partner's life?

    He works full time, sometimes till late night and I have to take care of both children.

    I'm over 30
    well, this is the problem really, isn't it. you are going to have to bring them as he works full time.
    i think you need to let him see fully how upset you are, let out all your emotions, because at the end of the day, this isn't about logical argument. Logically, maybe he wins even! But it's not about whether haven't this child is logic or not, it's about the fact that you don't want it.
    it's about your emotions.
    how long since you found out? maybe you do need some time to think it over.

    how would you feel if you had an opear (SP?) to help or a child carer or something like that? Would that make any difference?

    Try to think out of the box when you discuss this issue with him again instead of going round in circles in your arguments.
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    If you feel that it is not the right time, or you aren't mentally ready yet, then don't.
    If your husband loves you, he will understand why you are considering an abortion.
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    Your husband needs to take into account the effect this child would have on the rest of the family. Your children especially. If they are primarily in your care (while he's out working long hours) they will suffer if you aren't physically and mentally strong enough to have another baby. As for one strong reason, "think of the children" is quite a biggie, worth saying to him.
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    Right, where to start on this one? probably best starting with my background to erase a few questions. I am a non conformist that went to a catholic grammar school. For this reason in R.E lessons (a very important part of my schools education) i was always asking questions and teachers quite frequently got annoyed with me as i wasnt the 'same thinking' catholic.

    So, personally, i dont think abortion should be a legal option for anyone that just 'doesnt want the baby' and think that it should only be used as a last resort and not just a means of birth control. If you have got yourself in that 'mess' anyway then i think you have to see it out. However, if the conceiving of achild is down to rape then i dont see why abortion should not be a valid option. Again, if it is down to severe medical reasons then i dont see why abortion should not be legal.

    However, you are failing to see your boyfriend/husband etc point about it. And i think you are being unfair on him. YOU have decided you are having an abortion. YOU are not going to give in. so why should he lay down his beliefs for you?

    people say that if he loved you he wuld understand. to them i say, if you loved him maybe you could see it from his point of view. abortion of a child IS murder in my eyes and if yu are willing to have that on your conscience then that is up to you?

    You say you have thought about the mental problems that may effect you after the birth. Have you ever thought about the mental problems that may affect you after an abortion. Would you want that on your conscience?

    In the end, its up to you, you have made a decision, you are going to stick to it, you dont care about what your partner wants and now you want people to help you decide what to say. If you cant talk to him logically when you are a 'responsible adult' then thats your problem.

    You are both adults, you say he loves you and everything, so TALK to him, listen to his side. Can you not see what he wants and just LISTEN to him. I dont think here is the right place to be asking things like this. go to a doctor WITH your partner, go to a councillor WITH your partner and talk it out. One of you will have to lay their beliefs/values/wants aside and i have no doubt who will be forced into it.

    PLEASE just let us know what happens, and i sincerely hope you do the right thing; for your partner, for your kids, for you andfor the unborn child that is LIVING INSIDE YOU!!
    • #6
    #6

    (Original post by bighairedmike)
    people say that if he loved you he wuld understand. to them i say, if you loved him maybe you could see it from his point of view.
    I was going to bring this up myself. Well said.
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    Firstly, I think it's appalling that your partner is putting you throught this.

    Getting off my high horse for a minute, do you think he would listen if a doctor were to talk to him about the mental and physical problems that could result from this pregnancy?

    My honest advice would be for you to go and talk to your doctor on your own first of all (without telling your partner) and then you would at least have a professional on your side.

    At the end of the day though, it really is up to you, not him.
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    The final decision should and will always be always be yours.
    I know you are conflicted and that the increasing levels of hormones in your body will only add to your stress levels. But if you go through with a pregnancy you don't want, because of your husband alone, its possible you will always resent him.
    You need to talk this through properly with him, with some logical reasons such as
    1. can you continue to financially support your existing family if you were to have the added expense of another child
    2. Not having this child does not mean you will not have more children in the future (of course this is always your choice). Its just that you need time to recover and regain your physical and mental strength and to devote your time to the children you have at the moment
    3. Is he prepared to support you more. Does he realise what a shear drain it is on you, not only to carry a child while caring for existing children and then to look after a newborn with a toddler and a older child


    And finally to the other posters who have mentioned the father. Of course it is his child, but the mother always has the final decision. I am sorry and yes it is unfair in some ways, but in a lot of ways the guys have it easy (I'm not trying to be controversial or offensive but its true) and they don't always understand exactly what it is like for a woman in terms of the sheer physical and mental drain on the woman. And if she feels she is not capable of managing at the moment its possible it would do more harm by having the baby than not.
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    Can I ask how having a third child will affect your health? (mentally or physically) I can understand that you are very worried but maybe if you can explain a bit more then he will be in a better position to understand and sympathise.
 
 
 
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