Could i get some advice on this piece of descriptive writing? It would help me a lot!

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lee lee.
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This is for my igcse practice. English is my weakest subject since I don't come from an English background, but I really want to score high grades in English. I had a tough time coping with the time limit given but I've managed to finish this in an hour.

My English teacher did not really give us feedback for this, so it would be great if you can help me figure my level! What grade do you think this is and how can I improve my writing? I would appreciate every feedback given! Thank you!


Imagine you are waiting in a café for a friend who is very late. Describe your surroundings and your thoughts and feelings as you wait.


Patches of symmetrical snowflakes glee through the frosty air as the frigid cotton in the sky outs the toasted sun. Monstrous lines of trees camouflage under their silky white skin, their verdant strips of hair no longer to be found. Foggy mist from the breath suspended into the air as the pedestrian involved in amiable conversations, whilst their cozy cotton boots suffocate in the stocky snow. I glanced across the bleached and unpigmented streets behind a ginormous piece of window, as exuberant as the children on a brumal December.

The sugary sweet aroma of cocoa powder melted in milk evaporated along with the air from the heater and enthusiastically danced around the building, synchronizing with the rhythm of my heartbeat, rapid yet with joy. Bright vibration of the wiggling bell when the door opens displaced the gossips in and out of the building and travels into my pinna.

I sat tight on the wooden chair expecting the arrival of a long-awaiting friend, as my mind began to author stories about the reunion. My fingers swept through the frigid capacitive screen, pinching in and out of the warm-hearted image, anticipating his appearance. My eyes stared frozenly on the image, pupil filled with turquoise and diamonds, roasted skin contrasting with the colorless weather, aligned face features, my heart tap-danced swiftly, increasing its speed exponentially.

The clock hand circled various rounds, the marshmallows melted into the chocolate, the streets gradually silenced, the bell no longer wiggled and the dance performance of my heartbeat came to the end. My mind began to scribble stories of the lack of your appearance. The disgruntled fact pierced my heart deeper and deeper, suffocating my hope and enthusiasm. As the snowflakes fuse with the puddle of unfrosted snow, the purged sun descends, and the bitter moon rises. The last bell rang under my departure, and my shadow faded into the dark on the wintry arctic December.
Last edited by lee lee.; 6 months ago
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emma543
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Defo!
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emma543
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(Original post by lee lee.)
This is for my igcse practice. English is my weakest subject since I don't come from an English background, but I really want to score high grades in English. I had a tough time coping with the time limit given but I've managed to finish this in an hour.

My English teacher did not really give us feedback for this, so it would be great if you can help me figure my level! What grade do you think this is and how can I improve my writing? I would appreciate every feedback given! Thank you!


Imagine you are waiting in a café for a friend who is very late. Describe your surroundings and your thoughts and feelings as you wait.


Patches of symmetrical snowflakes glee through the frosty air as the frigid cotton in the sky outs the toasted sun. Monstrous lines of trees camouflage under their silky white skin, their verdant strips of hair no longer to be found. Foggy mist from the breath suspended into the air as the pedestrian involved in amiable conversations, whilst their cozy cotton boots suffocate in the stocky snow. I glanced across the bleached and unpigmented streets behind a ginormous piece of window, as exuberant as the children on a brumal December.

The sugary sweet aroma of cocoa powder melted in milk evaporated along with the air from the heater and enthusiastically danced around the building, synchronizing with the rhythm of my heartbeat, rapid yet with joy. Bright vibration of the wiggling bell when the door opens displaced the gossips in and out of the building and travels into my pinna.

I sat tight on the wooden chair expecting the arrival of a long-awaiting friend, as my mind began to author stories about the reunion. My fingers swept through the frigid capacitive screen, pinching in and out of the warm-hearted image, anticipating his appearance. My eyes stared frozenly on the image, pupil filled with turquoise and diamonds, roasted skin contrasting with the colorless weather, aligned face features, my heart tap-danced swiftly, increasing its speed exponentially.

The clock hand circled various rounds, the marshmallows melted into the chocolate, the streets gradually silenced, the bell no longer wiggled and the dance performance of my heartbeat came to the end. My mind began to scribble stories of the lack of your appearance. The disgruntled fact pierced my heart deeper and deeper, suffocating my hope and enthusiasm. As the snowflakes fuse with the puddle of unfrosted snow, the purged sun descends, and the bitter moon rises. The last bell rang under my departure, and my shadow faded into the dark on the wintry arctic December.

Here are my notes

First of all can I say WOW- you have gone into so much detail and it is very descriptive- I love your word choice- so in regards to the content I have nothing to say! I always struggled with descriptive writing because I didn't have a fab imagination like yours.

In terms of improvements I would say...

1) I think this sentence: 'Foggy mist from the breath suspended into the air as the pedestrian involved in amiable conversations, whilst their cozy cotton boots suffocate in the stocky snow.' should be 'Foggy mist from the breath is suspended into the air as the pedestrian engages in amiable conversations, whilst their cozy cotton boots suffocate in the stocky snow.'- the sentence felt a bit incomplete to me.

2) Grammatical error: 'The sugary sweet aroma of cocoa powder melted in milk ; (I have added a semicolon) evaporated along with the air from the heater and enthusiastically danced around the building, synchronizing with the rhythm of my heartbeat, rapid yet with joy.'

3) I would also try for different length paragraphs as all your paragraphs are almost the same length- maybe a single-lined paragraph?

4) Almost all your sentences are complex- get some variety in there. Could you get a minor sentence? Or even a basic simple sentence- I'm pretty sure my teacher would write comma splice.

Hope this helps! Honestly though you would have scored highly if you wrote this in the exam
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Moonbow
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Good lord I wish I could write like that :adore:
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ennui.
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(Original post by lee lee.)
This is for my igcse practice. English is my weakest subject since I don't come from an English background, but I really want to score high grades in English. I had a tough time coping with the time limit given but I've managed to finish this in an hour.

My English teacher did not really give us feedback for this, so it would be great if you can help me figure my level! What grade do you think this is and how can I improve my writing? I would appreciate every feedback given! Thank you!


Imagine you are waiting in a café for a friend who is very late. Describe your surroundings and your thoughts and feelings as you wait.


Patches of symmetrical snowflakes glee through the frosty air as the frigid cotton in the sky outs the toasted sun. Monstrous lines of trees camouflage under their silky white skin, their verdant strips of hair no longer to be found. Foggy mist from the breath suspended into the air as the pedestrian involved in amiable conversations, whilst their cozy cotton boots suffocate in the stocky snow. I glanced across the bleached and unpigmented streets behind a ginormous piece of window, as exuberant as the children on a brumal December.

The sugary sweet aroma of cocoa powder melted in milk evaporated along with the air from the heater and enthusiastically danced around the building, synchronizing with the rhythm of my heartbeat, rapid yet with joy. Bright vibration of the wiggling bell when the door opens displaced the gossips in and out of the building and travels into my pinna.

I sat tight on the wooden chair expecting the arrival of a long-awaiting friend, as my mind began to author stories about the reunion. My fingers swept through the frigid capacitive screen, pinching in and out of the warm-hearted image, anticipating his appearance. My eyes stared frozenly on the image, pupil filled with turquoise and diamonds, roasted skin contrasting with the colorless weather, aligned face features, my heart tap-danced swiftly, increasing its speed exponentially.

The clock hand circled various rounds, the marshmallows melted into the chocolate, the streets gradually silenced, the bell no longer wiggled and the dance performance of my heartbeat came to the end. My mind began to scribble stories of the lack of your appearance. The disgruntled fact pierced my heart deeper and deeper, suffocating my hope and enthusiasm. As the snowflakes fuse with the puddle of unfrosted snow, the purged sun descends, and the bitter moon rises. The last bell rang under my departure, and my shadow faded into the dark on the wintry arctic December.
I would give this a B. You've used advanced vocabulary, though in some places it feels forced and does not make sense.
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Fermion.
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I think it’s good but you’re trying too hard in the first paragraph to use difficult vocabulary and one of your sentences in the first paragraph doesn’t make sense
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lee lee.
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(Original post by emma543)
Here are my notes

First of all can I say WOW- you have gone into so much detail and it is very descriptive- I love your word choice- so in regards to the content I have nothing to say! I always struggled with descriptive writing because I didn't have a fab imagination like yours.

In terms of improvements I would say...

1) I think this sentence: 'Foggy mist from the breath suspended into the air as the pedestrian involved in amiable conversations, whilst their cozy cotton boots suffocate in the stocky snow.' should be 'Foggy mist from the breath is suspended into the air as the pedestrian engages in amiable conversations, whilst their cozy cotton boots suffocate in the stocky snow.'- the sentence felt a bit incomplete to me.

2) Grammatical error: 'The sugary sweet aroma of cocoa powder melted in milk ; (I have added a semicolon) evaporated along with the air from the heater and enthusiastically danced around the building, synchronizing with the rhythm of my heartbeat, rapid yet with joy.'

3) I would also try for different length paragraphs as all your paragraphs are almost the same length- maybe a single-lined paragraph?

4) Almost all your sentences are complex- get some variety in there. Could you get a minor sentence? Or even a basic simple sentence- I'm pretty sure my teacher would write comma splice.

Hope this helps! Honestly though you would have scored highly if you wrote this in the exam
Thank you!! That was extremely helpful! I really appreciate it!
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lee lee.
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(Original post by Moonbow)
Good lord I wish I could write like that :adore:
thank you!! I'm sure you write amazingly too!
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lee lee.
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(Original post by ennui.)
I would give this a B. You've used advanced vocabulary, though in some places it feels forced and does not make sense.
Yeaa, I think that's one of the things I really have to improve and look into! Thank You!
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lee lee.
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(Original post by Fermion.)
I think it’s good but you’re trying too hard in the first paragraph to use difficult vocabulary and one of your sentences in the first paragraph doesn’t make sense
That's certainly true! Thank you!
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