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    I have this annoying problem and I'm not asking for advice or anything and I'm not even asking a question.. but I suppose I'm just ranting for anyone who's willing to listen to my story.

    In my culture if there's an only son in the family, he lives with his parents so he and his wife can look after his parents. I am such a person. Tbh, I really don't mind and I actually look forward to all that (just hope I find a good enough wife!). The problem is, there are some habits of my dad that really drive me round the bend and sometimes I think whether I'd even be able to live for so long with him. He is such a convincing liar and he can never communicate properly. Also, he can shout at someone and make you feel *this* small.

    A while, I was at the shop (we have a business) and in his absence, our worker sold something for £5 when it was £7.50, so screamed at her like it was the end of the world. I just told her he does that to us lot too, so don't take it to heart. Another incident - some time ago, I lost my phone. I asked my whole family. I tried to think when I had it last and realised I was in this room with teenagers. Naturally, you would think it's one of them - I realised it must be this certain boy who's got a track record of stealing phones so I interrogated him, but he just denied obviously. Anyway, it turned out that my dad had it cos I left it in our shop and he took it to "teach me a lesson" for not leaving things around (bull*****) I caught him red-handed putting it in a drawer in my room (to make me think I put it there by mistake). Just to mention another incident, my dad must have scratched our car somewhere so he tried to blame me (cos I drive it too) by acting all surprised in front of my mum - "oh, he must have done it the idiot". When I talked to my mum about it, she said "don't worry, I know he's lying, I'm used to it all".

    My mum got mentally depressed about last year and had to go to hospital for a whole month and had to even go through ECT (electro-compulsive therapy) She's fine now thank god. Although she doesn't say anything, I know it's mostly cos of my dad. He's definitely not the most "supportive" husband.

    Lately, I've just been thinking a lot about my future (not financially, because realistically, even if I fail somehow in my studies, we sill have our business lol) but more about how I'm gonna live with my parents and wife altogether. I think the most important thing is to look after my mum and make sure there's unity in the whole family. I just want his annoying habits to stop. I really want to let it all out to him, but in our culture, that would be like swearing at your dad lol.

    (please keep this anon as there are users here who know me and I don't wanna give my dad a bad-name)
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    hey i come from a similar culture!

    even though im a girl its kind of different but my bro and bf always say they will never live in the same house but next door or on the same street....maybe consider that?

    oh and shellyanne tyour post was extremely useful.
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    Perhaps it's just the difference between our cultures, but to me, I find it a little absurd that you must treat this man with such godlike respect, (let alone make your partner look after him!) when he treats the family this badly. In my culture, although you respect and honour your parents for looking after you and bringing you into the world in a loving environment - you respect them because it was a good thing they have done as a human being irrespective of your relation to them, not just for the sake of it because of blood. There is a line where they are being abusive, and no longer deserve exhaltation for absolutely no reason whatsoever. It's not fair to exploit and abuse your family like that, even to drive them to mental illness and breaking the law and lies...

    I honestly can't comprehend the reason why you shouldn't confront that. It's an abuse of human rights. Its the lack of confrontation that perpetuates his behaviour.

    Perhaps its a cultural thing; here you need to compromise your culture with your own personal values. The situation is alien to me though!
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    Yes I am Muslim. Islam teaches us to respect our parents in every situation, unless they order us to do something against religion.

    Where would we be without our parents? Where would we be if our mums didn't bother changing our nappies? Where would we be if our mums didn't bother taking the pain of breastfeeding us when we were babies? Where would we be if our mums didn't bother feeding us as we were growing? How can we ever forget anything that our parents have done for us? Shellyanne, you should know better, as a mother of two, than to kick your mother out of your life even if she is an alco. Anyway this is a separate issue.

    I do not disrespect my dad. I'm just saying he has a few annoying habits. I suppose I just felt like expressing my feelings on here (TSR lol, bit sad! i know). I suppose the best thing is to just take things on the chin. Be a happy person and this will have an effect on those around you. I'll just have to learn to DEAL with my dad rather than trying to confront him and directly change him (but I suppose my "way of dealing" with him will hopefully make him change).

    He tried this car scratching thing today as well, shouting and screaming about "why I never admit my mistakes" (he was trying to completely shift the blame onto me) and I just looked at my mum and smiled, literally not saying a word and acting as though it's all going over my head. Eventually he just went quiet. I think this was better than defending my corner because it would have just added fuel to the fire. Even if I knew that I could've proved my innocence, I think it's best not to because I would've just embarassed my dad showing him up in front of my mum and sister. This way there's less fighting in the house. You just have to develop a thick skin.

    Anyway, Islam doesn't teach us to live with our parents after marriage. This is culture! (as I explained, I'm an only son). I might reconsider living with them actually, it'd be best to just visit them regularly. It's my mum I worry about more than anything.
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    anyone else think shellyanne is sophie3 in disguise?



    OP, i think you need to explain to your dad how you feel about his lies. you are a young adult and if he wants your respect then he should respect you and what you have to say and take it seriously. respect is not a god-given right. it is something you must earn. i think you should definitely tell him how you feel, but with tact so as not to make him go crazy at you. if you dont reaise your voice then he has no reason to raise his. i hope this helps
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    (Original post by screenager2004)
    I'm not trying to start an argument, but you said children who are coddled and pampered are spoilt, and you're a better person because you struggled in life.

    So are you not going to give your children presents or shelter them from abuse so they can struggle, just like you did (and thus become better, stronger people as a result)

    or are they exempt from the "children who never have to struggle don't know about life" rule?

    I'm not arguing, it just seems you are saying two different things, I want to know what you think about loving, caring parenting... but at the same time having children who "know about real life" - because apparently you only know about "real life" if you have to struggle...
    No I learny to be better. I wish I could give my kids everything but I cant, but I will settle for them being loved.

    I am just saying that being that struggling taught me, ok. You wouldnt knock it if it was on the x factor lol
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Where would we be without our parents? Where would we be if our mums didn't bother changing our nappies? Where would we be if our mums didn't bother taking the pain of breastfeeding us when we were babies? Where would we be if our mums didn't bother feeding us as we were growing? How can we ever forget anything that our parents have done for us?
    This is a very good point, and one that I agree with myself, but don't you think there is a point where the mental breakdowns and illness kind of counter-balances the nappy changes in the grander scheme of things? (that is, if the male of the household takes part in the childrearing, I notice you said "our mums" in all those examples! But I don't know, everyone's family is different)

    At the moment, your house has stability, but it doesn't have harmony. They're two different things.

    Your house is stable. Everyone is living under the same room without explosive arguments or severe disequilibrium, but it isn't a harmonious stability. The only reason it is stable is because you ignore the problems or "develop a thick skin" to it, you overlook the severe flaws in the way one family member treats the household because that way, there's no arguing. But the problem is there, and the house isn't stable out of natural harmony and loving respect for each other. its there because the cracks have been papered over.

    To my family, we'd fix the problems instead of trying to become numb to all the pain it causes. It seems a bit nonsensical.

    But if you are doing this out of respect to God and your religon, then why are you complaining? You're either happy with the word of God or you aren't.
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    (Original post by screenager2004)
    But if you are doing this out of respect to God and your religon, then why are you complaining? You're either happy with the word of God or you aren't.
    Lol I'm not complaining really. I suppose I "answered" my own problem in my last post.

    Your post was useful and interesting btw.
    Thanks, francescerella too
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    (Original post by francescarella)
    anyone else think shellyanne is sophie3 in disguise?



    OP, i think you need to explain to your dad how you feel about his lies. you are a young adult and if he wants your respect then he should respect you and what you have to say and take it seriously. respect is not a god-given right. it is something you must earn. i think you should definitely tell him how you feel, but with tact so as not to make him go crazy at you. if you dont reaise your voice then he has no reason to raise his. i hope this helps
    I completely agree with this. OP, you are a wonderful child and your parents are undoubtably proud of you dispite how your father is acting. Any parent would be happy to have such dedicated children, as francescarella said, raise it with tact and there is no need for it to be "fuel for the fire"- your thinking right, maybe move out and visit often to see your mother, or as another poster said: move onto the stree but into another home.

    Good luck in the future!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Lol I'm not complaining really. I suppose I "answered" my own problem in my last post.

    Your post was useful and interesting btw.
    Thanks, francescerella too

    I'd give the big book a bit of a browsing over, it usually has some good advice in there you forgot all about or can apply to new situations and contexts. Or check out if there is a spiritual website you can refer to, a local place of worship? There must be something about causing pain to family members in there somewhere!

    It's great when you answer your own questions Makes you feel like you've done something constructive with your contemplation!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    lol just realised i forgot to post the last post anonymously
    Only I saw it, and frankly im too drunk to remember the name...
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    Lol, I imagine I'll have clocked up a fair few warning points by the morning, meh.

    Top the OP, being an only son can suck in asian families, especially when ones father qacts the way yours does, perhaps as suggested above you could try and clear the air with him without riling him or yourself up. I know that asian parents can be rather, sensitive, to being questioned or approached about their manner, but could it make things that much worse. Of course, you're grateful to your parents and rightly so (especially your mother), but could you really live your life like that? Think of your (future?) wife and children. It's best to sort it now lest you try to tackle the issue once married and are accused of trying to abandon them. I think.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I have this annoying problem and I'm not asking for advice or anything and I'm not even asking a question.. but I suppose I'm just ranting for anyone who's willing to listen to my story.

    In my culture if there's an only son in the family, he lives with his parents so he and his wife can look after his parents. I am such a person. Tbh, I really don't mind and I actually look forward to all that (just hope I find a good enough wife!). The problem is, there are some habits of my dad that really drive me round the bend and sometimes I think whether I'd even be able to live for so long with him. He is such a convincing liar and he can never communicate properly. Also, he can shout at someone and make you feel *this* small.

    A while, I was at the shop (we have a business) and in his absence, our worker sold something for £5 when it was £7.50, so screamed at her like it was the end of the world. I just told her he does that to us lot too, so don't take it to heart. Another incident - some time ago, I lost my phone. I asked my whole family. I tried to think when I had it last and realised I was in this room with teenagers. Naturally, you would think it's one of them - I realised it must be this certain boy who's got a track record of stealing phones so I interrogated him, but he just denied obviously. Anyway, it turned out that my dad had it cos I left it in our shop and he took it to "teach me a lesson" for not leaving things around (bull*****) I caught him red-handed putting it in a drawer in my room (to make me think I put it there by mistake). Just to mention another incident, my dad must have scratched our car somewhere so he tried to blame me (cos I drive it too) by acting all surprised in front of my mum - "oh, he must have done it the idiot". When I talked to my mum about it, she said "don't worry, I know he's lying, I'm used to it all".

    My mum got mentally depressed about last year and had to go to hospital for a whole month and had to even go through ECT (electro-compulsive therapy) She's fine now thank god. Although she doesn't say anything, I know it's mostly cos of my dad. He's definitely not the most "supportive" husband.

    Lately, I've just been thinking a lot about my future (not financially, because realistically, even if I fail somehow in my studies, we sill have our business lol) but more about how I'm gonna live with my parents and wife altogether. I think the most important thing is to look after my mum and make sure there's unity in the whole family. I just want his annoying habits to stop. I really want to let it all out to him, but in our culture, that would be like swearing at your dad lol.

    (please keep this anon as there are users here who know me and I don't wanna give my dad a bad-name)
    I understand your position, in my culture the eldest son takes the position of responsiblity as head of the household when the time comes (and yes, dear trolls, Im muslim too)

    Your father has some nasty habits, as does mine, and pretty much everyone else's. Parents are not perfect, they have their flaws like everyone else. I understand your frsutrations, because my father and I simply could not get along - and he has a different attitude towards me than my brothers and sisters, who he looks at as children (they're not anymore).

    Anyway, you'll learn to roll with the punches, it comes with time and you'll learn to tolerate each other. You probably wont have the same close relationship as you do with your mum, but thats life.

    Another thing is, Arabic and Asian men tend not to live long. That usually puts things in perspective, when you and your father argue over petty things. You don't want the last conversation you have with your father to be a shouting match.

    EDIT: also, when you marry, make sure your wife is happy- she shouldn't feel pressure from your mother. You know how somtimes the mother in law can make their lives difficult.
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    (Original post by fleur_de_haine)
    Top the OP, being an only son can suck in asian families, especially when ones father qacts the way yours does, perhaps as suggested above you could try and clear the air with him without riling him or yourself up. I know that asian parents can be rather, sensitive, to being questioned or approached about their manner, but could it make things that much worse. Of course, you're grateful to your parents and rightly so (especially your mother), but could you really live your life like that? Think of your (future?) wife and children. It's best to sort it now lest you try to tackle the issue once married and are accused of trying to abandon them. I think.
    I think I will try and do that. It's just a question of how. He's not exactly gonna admit that it was him that scratched the car. I suppose I'll have to catch him lying or dong something deceiving one day and tackle it then.

    By the way, u pakistani? indian?

    (Original post by Wildstarchild)
    You realize you can be British and a Muslim? The two aren't mutually exclusive.
    You realise that the British spell realize as realise? lol kiddn
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    (Original post by Dirac Delta Function)
    I understand your position, in my culture the eldest son takes the position of responsiblity as head of the household when the time comes (and yes, dear trolls, Im muslim too)

    Your father has some nasty habits, as does mine, and pretty much everyone else's. Parents are not perfect, they have their flaws like everyone else. I understand your frsutrations, because my father and I simply could not get along - and he has a different attitude towards me than my brothers and sisters, who he looks at as children (they're not anymore).

    Anyway, you'll learn to roll with the punches, it comes with time and you'll learn to tolerate each other. You probably wont have the same close relationship as you do with your mum, but thats life.

    Another thing is, Arabic and Asian men tend not to live long. That usually puts things in perspective, when you and your father argue over petty things. You don't want the last conversation you have with your father to be a shouting match.

    EDIT: also, when you marry, make sure your wife is happy- she shouldn't feel pressure from your mother. You know how somtimes the mother in law can make their lives difficult.
    Your advice is good.

    I'm not too worried about when I get married. My mum will make a great MiL lol. Everyone loves my mum. My dad's generally a quiet person and wouldn't really interfere with anyone unnecessarily. I think best thing is just.. dusraa ghar mai rehnaa
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    (Original post by fleur_de_haine)
    Lol, it's not easy to catch desi parents out. I'm mixed raced, Indian Jamaican and Cuban. You? (If you don't mind answering that is, seeing as you're anon.)
    I assumed you were asian cos it u wrote "besharam" in ur profile. i'm indian originally.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I assumed you were asian cos it u wrote "besharam" in ur profile. i'm indian originally.
    Ah okay. Well I am sort of asian eh?:woo:
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I think I will try and do that. It's just a question of how. He's not exactly gonna admit that it was him that scratched the car. I suppose I'll have to catch him lying or dong something deceiving one day and tackle it then.

    By the way, u pakistani? indian?

    You realise that the British spell realize as realise? lol kiddn
    yeah i think he is . i myself am a pakistani.... comming back to an earlier post .... this has nothing to do with being a muslim......... in islam there are no joint family systems..... once you are an adult you move out to your own place.... ofcourse respect for parents is indispensable....
    look... maybe your father's nature is like that..... in this case you cant really help it ...... he migth think that hes doing good to you but may not realise that his actions are annoying you... i think you should politely talk with your father to settle matters out.... or on the other hand you could try pleasing him by not being very disorganised or by restraining from things that displeases him.....
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    I have read the original post before ages ago - is this the second time you have asked on here?
 
 
 
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