Gay but accepted a mans proposal.

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 week ago
#1
Ever since lockdown began my parents were giving me hints that soon I'll be getting proposed to.
It had been 3 years of me trying to explain that I'm gay but my family have been in denial and claimed I'd change once I'm with a man.
And my family friend we have known each other since childhood and I knew he liked me that way. And his family had said to mine that he was planning to propose to me.

So today he called me and wanted to go out so i hadn't seen him since beginning of lockdown and I went and he had booked a helicopter and it flew above his back garden which he had all beautifully decorated it had a water fountain and Rose's and bluebells and then he gave me my favourite book and inside he had carved out a heart and it had a ring!!
And I felt so bad for him so I accepted it and he gave me a hug. And I just had to fight back tears.
I did say to him that I couldn't always wear the ring because my fingers swell up if I wear a ring for too long.
He knows I'm loyal and wouldn't hurt him so he said that's fine.
I just cannot wear an engagement ring because it'll remind me of his proposal!
For that reason I left the rings I usually wear at home.

I'm very empathetic and it was either keeping my family happy or keeping him happy. I felt so bad but honestly I had no other alternatives I tried to do everything I could to explain to my family- that I wont be happy and wont 'change' once I'm with a man! But they've never understood so I felt I had to give them a chance to see if I do 'change' .
I feel guilty because I'm meant to be attracted to him but I'm not

And then we had dinner with his family.

When I came home my parents were so happy and I faked a smile and pretended I was head over heels and went to my room and just sobbed.

I've always known I couldn't marry the same sex because of my religion. This is why I wanted to stay single because I didn't want to hurt a man but my parents didn't want me to stay single.

I feel so bad and so hurt. But knowing my family and his family (and him at the moment) are happy... makes me feel content too.

What the future holds... I dont know.

Please don't judge me. Honestly I've always wished I could stay single because I didn't want to marry a man in the future and ruin his life too
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babyshark
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#2
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hi! im so so sorry! nobody should be put in that situation

i hope you’re okay! is there no way you could cut contact with him and your family? I know that sounds harsh but are you ever going to be truly happy and content with life knowing you have to hide who you really are?

I’m so sorry, my heart breaks for you. You are valid and loved and accepted by so many people. Keep your head up, I’m sure everything will work out! ❤️
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 1 week ago
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(Original post by babyshark)
hi! im so so sorry! nobody should be put in that situation

i hope you’re okay! is there no way you could cut contact with him and your family? I know that sounds harsh but are you ever going to be truly happy and content with life knowing you have to hide who you really are?

I’m so sorry, my heart breaks for you. You are valid and loved and accepted by so many people. Keep your head up, I’m sure everything will work out! ❤️
Thank you for your kind words.
Honestly, I could never leave my family and I couldn't hurt him either. If I could hurt my family, I could have just said that I want to stay single.
I care so much about everyone.
Also this guy I know he has been dumped by a girl before and I couldn't break ties with him in the same way. He is honestly a gentleman, and I wish I was straight so I could love him truly!!
You dont understand how much I wish I was attracted to men.
I've accepted his proposal and what happens from now I have just left to God.

I know I'll never be able to tell him I'm gay because I could not risk hurting him aswell as everyone else. That would then bring shame to my family people would then go announcing that they have a gay daughter
If I could have stayed single that way I wouldn't have to live a lie and hurt my family friend but like my parents said if I'm single I'm going to be lonely..

I just feel so so upset, I cry in private but smile in public because I don't want anyone knowing. I think I've hurt my family enough when I tried to come out to them and we use to have so many arguments.
I desperately want to prove to them that it was just a phase and I'll 'change'.
But I really doubt that I'll change once I'm married etc.
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babyshark
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you for your kind words.
Honestly, I could never leave my family and I couldn't hurt him either. If I could hurt my family, I could have just said that I want to stay single.
I care so much about everyone.
Also this guy I know he has been dumped by a girl before and I couldn't break ties with him in the same way. He is honestly a gentleman, and I wish I was straight so I could love him truly!!
You dont understand how much I wish I was attracted to men.
I've accepted his proposal and what happens from now I have just left to God.

I know I'll never be able to tell him I'm gay because I could not risk hurting him aswell as everyone else. That would then bring shame to my family people would then go announcing that they have a gay daughter
If I could have stayed single that way I wouldn't have to live a lie and hurt my family friend but like my parents said if I'm single I'm going to be lonely..

I just feel so so upset, I cry in private but smile in public because I don't want anyone knowing. I think I've hurt my family enough when I tried to come out to them and we use to have so many arguments.
I desperately want to prove to them that it was just a phase and I'll 'change'.
But I really doubt that I'll change once I'm married etc.
I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. It’s incredibly heartbreaking that you’re in this situation. I hope God guides you and heals everything for you. I hope you find happiness.
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Mo.Hamid
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No one should have to go through that
There are charities out there that will be willing to help you if you need it
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Panda-Bear
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#6
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#6
(Original post by Anonymous)
Ever since lockdown began my parents were giving me hints that soon I'll be getting proposed to.
It had been 3 years of me trying to explain that I'm gay but my family have been in denial and claimed I'd change once I'm with a man.
And my family friend we have known each other since childhood and I knew he liked me that way. And his family had said to mine that he was planning to propose to me.

So today he called me and wanted to go out so i hadn't seen him since beginning of lockdown and I went and he had booked a helicopter and it flew above his back garden which he had all beautifully decorated it had a water fountain and Rose's and bluebells and then he gave me my favourite book and inside he had carved out a heart and it had a ring!!
And I felt so bad for him so I accepted it and he gave me a hug. And I just had to fight back tears.
I did say to him that I couldn't always wear the ring because my fingers swell up if I wear a ring for too long.
He knows I'm loyal and wouldn't hurt him so he said that's fine.
I just cannot wear an engagement ring because it'll remind me of his proposal!
For that reason I left the rings I usually wear at home.

I'm very empathetic and it was either keeping my family happy or keeping him happy. I felt so bad but honestly I had no other alternatives I tried to do everything I could to explain to my family- that I wont be happy and wont 'change' once I'm with a man! But they've never understood so I felt I had to give them a chance to see if I do 'change' .
I feel guilty because I'm meant to be attracted to him but I'm not

And then we had dinner with his family.

When I came home my parents were so happy and I faked a smile and pretended I was head over heels and went to my room and just sobbed.

I've always known I couldn't marry the same sex because of my religion. This is why I wanted to stay single because I didn't want to hurt a man but my parents didn't want me to stay single.

I feel so bad and so hurt. But knowing my family and his family (and him at the moment) are happy... makes me feel content too.

What the future holds... I dont know.

Please don't judge me. Honestly I've always wished I could stay single because I didn't want to marry a man in the future and ruin his life too
Don't do it! It'll only come out later and end in heartbreak. I completely understand why you did. I'm gay and from a Christian family. I am also Christian myself (I don't know if that's your religion, or if you follow another) and when I've hinted at being gay to my mother, she tells me I'm confused or just in a phase, but I know I like girls and don't think I like guys (I've only just realized and it's taken years for me to realise xD). However, I've studied the Bible and read multiple essays on the subject of being gay and, in my opinion, I haven't seen anything that shows that God or Jesus say being gay is a sin. I don't believe God/Jesus even mention it in the Bible, though they do mention adultery and divorce. Even so, the Bible is centuries old and has been translated multiple times (Erasmus, a Catholic Humanist, discovered that the Latin Vulgate Bible had been translated wrong when he translated the Ancient Greek version). It took me a while and I'm still scared I'll go to Hell for it, but I believe that my God is a loving God and I cannot see the evil in loving another woman.

Now, I know it's gonna be really hard, but I would DEFINITELY speak to your fiance and tell him that you believe you are gay and you don't want to hurt him in the long run. It is only gonna be so much worse when (because you can't hide it forever. I'm not out to most of my family and I've only hinted at it to my mother. I can't hide much longer) it all comes out (pardon the unintended pun) because you will have led him on in the time where he could have tried meeting someone else. I'm not blaming you because I completely understand why you might have done it, but it's gonna cause more hurt and anger in the long run. If you're sure you're gay, you need to end this relationship now and preferably in person. He deserves to know and it will hurt you both, but this just isn't gonna end well. It kinda reminds me of Sophie in Batwoman (her marriage ended because she was gay and hid it).

And remember, if God didn't agree with homosexuality, then why did He make you gay? He is supposed to be an almighty creator who does not make mistakes. Homosexuality has also been documented in a multitude of animal species. They don't have the ability to understand religion and sin, so why is it a natural thing in nature? It's not evil and it is normal. It's up to you what you believe, but God is a loving God. Also, 50% of marriages end in divorce, so all those religious people who are divorced and preaching about homosexuality are hypocritical because they've done one thing that God has mentioned. Also, religion was twisted by figures of power, such as King James and Cromwell. I know this wasn't about what you asked, but it took me a while to figure this out (though it occasionally scares me in case I'm wrong) and I hope this helps you feel more comfortable because you shouldn't have to feel this way. Homosexuality does not harm anyone and you should NEVER do something just because it makes somebody else happy.

Trust me, this is gonna end worse if you go through with it and you'll just be miserable. You don't want this to end in divorce and I'm sure you love your fiance (at least, in a platonic way) and would want him to find someone he's happy with who will love him back in the same way that he loves them. I'm not blaming you, hun, and I know how hard this is and how upset/confused/anxious/lost/conflicted you must feel, but this will NOT go well if you go through with a marriage you are unhappy with/to someone you don't love romantically. If your family love you, they will come to accept you. This is 2020 and it is NOT shameful to have a gay daughter. You shouldn't have to live like that. Family is family and they will eventually accept you for who you are. It is your life, not theirs and I understand wanting to be straight because it would be so much bloody easier! You will just be miserable if you continue on with this. I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

I wish you the best Xxx
Last edited by Panda-Bear; 1 week ago
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PhoenixFortune
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#7
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Ever since lockdown began my parents were giving me hints that soon I'll be getting proposed to.
It had been 3 years of me trying to explain that I'm gay but my family have been in denial and claimed I'd change once I'm with a man.
And my family friend we have known each other since childhood and I knew he liked me that way. And his family had said to mine that he was planning to propose to me.

So today he called me and wanted to go out so i hadn't seen him since beginning of lockdown and I went and he had booked a helicopter and it flew above his back garden which he had all beautifully decorated it had a water fountain and Rose's and bluebells and then he gave me my favourite book and inside he had carved out a heart and it had a ring!!
And I felt so bad for him so I accepted it and he gave me a hug. And I just had to fight back tears.
I did say to him that I couldn't always wear the ring because my fingers swell up if I wear a ring for too long.
He knows I'm loyal and wouldn't hurt him so he said that's fine.
I just cannot wear an engagement ring because it'll remind me of his proposal!
For that reason I left the rings I usually wear at home.

I'm very empathetic and it was either keeping my family happy or keeping him happy. I felt so bad but honestly I had no other alternatives I tried to do everything I could to explain to my family- that I wont be happy and wont 'change' once I'm with a man! But they've never understood so I felt I had to give them a chance to see if I do 'change' .
I feel guilty because I'm meant to be attracted to him but I'm not

And then we had dinner with his family.

When I came home my parents were so happy and I faked a smile and pretended I was head over heels and went to my room and just sobbed.

I've always known I couldn't marry the same sex because of my religion. This is why I wanted to stay single because I didn't want to hurt a man but my parents didn't want me to stay single.

I feel so bad and so hurt. But knowing my family and his family (and him at the moment) are happy... makes me feel content too.

What the future holds... I dont know.

Please don't judge me. Honestly I've always wished I could stay single because I didn't want to marry a man in the future and ruin his life too
If you feel it is safe to, you could speak to your fiance about this. He may understand - many people end up marrying to please their families while one or both parties is out to the other. If you cannot avoid getting married (as you have said, you don't want to hurt anyone), you fiance knowing the full story will at least give him a chance to stay or leave if he wants to.

You also need to think about the future. If you marry him (and don't tell him that he are gay), then what happens when he wants a physical relationship? Or children with you? If those things are something you can't possibly do, then you need to tell him that.
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Anonymous #1
#8
Report Thread starter 6 days ago
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(Original post by PhoenixFortune)
If you feel it is safe to, you could speak to your fiance about this. He may understand - many people end up marrying to please their families while one or both parties is out to the other. If you cannot avoid getting married (as you have said, you don't want to hurt anyone), you fiance knowing the full story will at least give him a chance to stay or leave if he wants to.

You also need to think about the future. If you marry him (and don't tell him that he are gay), then what happens when he wants a physical relationship? Or children with you? If those things are something you can't possibly do, then you need to tell him that.
I've known this family friend for a long time as well as his family. His family are religious and I'd be surprised if he knew what being gay meant! Because in certain cultures people don't even mention it.
And even if I did tell him, he would he hurt and may out me to everyone, including his family and then my parents would definitely disown me and I'd have noone.

I really don't know whats going to happen when it comes to him being intimate (after marriage) or when it comes to children.... honestly I don't want to think about it because it makes me feel so sick

I just wish we could stay like friends and just adopt children and bring them up together but I don't know if he would want that... I doubt it. He would then become suspicious etc and i don't want to ruin things. I really don't want to think about that because it makes me so so upset. I'm trying do hard to think in the present.

It's been 3 years, I've been praying and crying myself to sleep hoping that noone comes into my life so then I'm left with no choice other then staying single. But it looks like God had other plans.
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PhoenixFortune
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#9
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I've known this family friend for a long time as well as his family. His family are religious and I'd be surprised if he knew what being gay meant! Because in certain cultures people don't even mention it.
And even if I did tell him, he would he hurt and may out me to everyone, including his family and then my parents would definitely disown me and I'd have noone.

I really don't know whats going to happen when it comes to him being intimate (after marriage) or when it comes to children.... honestly I don't want to think about it because it makes me feel so sick

I just wish we could stay like friends and just adopt children and bring them up together but I don't know if he would want that... I doubt it. He would then become suspicious etc and i don't want to ruin things. I really don't want to think about that because it makes me so so upset. I'm trying do hard to think in the present.

It's been 3 years, I've been praying and crying myself to sleep hoping that noone comes into my life so then I'm left with no choice other then staying single. But it looks like God had other plans.
I hate to say this, but if you get married to someone who wants a physical relationship and you don't, he may use force to get what he wants. You have to make sure that you are safe, and not walking blindly into situations where you could be subjected to abuse. Even if he seems like a nice guy now, that could change later once you're married and he expects certain things.

Even if you get married and your husband is happy to not have a physical relationship, the pressure from your families to have children will come next (assuming a traditional setup like that is expected in your culture). Living day to day is fine for most situations, but the long-term ramifications of your current decisions are serious.

You're in a really difficult situation. Objectively, you should come out and face the truth, but then as you've said, you don't want to hurt/lose anyone and that makes you not act. You need to sit down and think about your options. If all options are hard/difficult, than pick the one that will make you the happiest.
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Anonymous #3
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Report 6 days ago
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You have one life and are choosing to live a lie because others are trying to make you do so.

I wish some people could see the bigger picture of their own life and take things into their own hands... You should never do things because someone else is making you against your will, doesn't matter if it is family or not.

So many people just let others dictate their life, that is the easy way out, you just go along with what others say and live a less happy life. It is a sheepish weak thing to do, you are not taking control of your own life and your own destiny.

That may sound harsh, but sometimes things like this need to be said because too many people let others dictate their life. You should never let others rule your life!
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Anonymous #4
#11
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I'm guessing this is also you? https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/sho...0but%20engaged

I'm not trying to be mean-at all. I've done the same thing-but posting on here won't change what is happening with you in real life. You owe it to yourself to live the life that you deserve! I've read some of your worries and I want to ask, can you move away? How close are you with your fiance? Can you confide in him? Perhaps you can stage a break up and then you're upset and go away for a while? I completely agree with everything @PhoenixFortune says so I won't repeat. You deserve to be happy and to live your life for you, not for other people. You may think you are doing him a favour but you aren't because he doesn't have someone who will love him the way he wants to be loved-if you want to think about it that way. Love is love. I know it's your religion but it's 2020. How can god hate love? In my opinion, I'm going to give it-the only reason people have a problem with gay couples is because they can't have biological children. If you go against the natural order, people get upset. But you have to think about what you want out of life-of your family can't support you then what kind of family are they?
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