Should I get rid of those friends?

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Anonymous #1
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Hi, so I’m just posting this because I’m unsure of what to do in this situation and would like some advice on it please.

Basically, I’m at uni now and I had two close friends from sixth form. We all used to be friends with this girl who I’ll call X. I enjoyed being friends with her, but I realised quickly that she wasn’t my type of person, meaning that her sense of humour did not resonate with me. She used to make v racist jokes about me being a slave, or cotton picking which at the time I was quite naive and thought it was ok for friends to do that. But now as I have matured, I was angry that I didn’t say more as she said some rlly problematic things that would be so offensive and I would punch someone if they said it to me now. She also had differing political views which were radically different to my own. She also said some rly hurtful things to me and I realised she wasn’t someone I wanted as a friend. Meanwhile, my other two friends used to tell me all the time how they didn’t like X and gossiped about her all the time to me but then acted normally to her face. I didn’t get that at all because I don’t hang out w people I don’t like so I started distancing myself. Long story short, I started hanging out w different ppl and we drifted, but we got back into contact and I’d say we were friends, I even started hanging out with them again. They had told me that they weren’t friends w X anymore, that they had an argument which I wasn’t aware of. That was all well and good, but now during lockdown I learnt that they had begun being friends again which I was really confused by because the things they said about her to me would make anyone think they would never be friends with that person again. But they made up again and have a group chat and everything and always post each other now. It’s actually made me quite angry and upset that they would become friends w her again knowing what she did to me and the stuff she said to me. I can’t understand why they would want to be friends w someone like that so I’ve considered blocking them because whenever I see them post her it just makes angry and upset again but I don’t know if that’s an overreaction, or if it’s best for my own sake so I don’t have to see it. Also, for it to happen in the midst of the blm movement, it makes it even worse. They were barely even vocal about the movement too, so I’m wondering if I should cut them off completely. What do you think?
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LovelyMrFox
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The one girl sounds awful- Im glad you got rid of her.
Im a tad bit confused at the others though. So they became friends with this girl again, and then arent vocal about blm?
You cannot dictate who these girls are friends with, although it is a bit concerning that they never spoke up against her for the racist comments. Also somewhat reflects on them when they take her back after all the awful things she said.
I do find it odd though that you seem to put an emphasis on the fact that they were not vocal about blm. Not everyone wants to talk politics, or get into that. There is high tensions surrounding blm right now, from either side. Many people dont want to get involved in that, and its not something you should cut someone off for.
I can see why you would cut them off, and I can see why it might be a bit overreacting to do that. Either way goes, really. Its up to you.
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Anonymous #2
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Hey! I’ve been going through a similar thing! Honestly, I think it would be more beneficial to get rid of friends that don’t make you happy. Join clubs or societies, or make friends in your class! It’s such a nicer time being friends with people who genuinely care about you
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by LovelyMrFox)
The one girl sounds awful- Im glad you got rid of her.
Im a tad bit confused at the others though. So they became friends with this girl again, and then arent vocal about blm?
You cannot dictate who these girls are friends with, although it is a bit concerning that they never spoke up against her for the racist comments. Also somewhat reflects on them when they take her back after all the awful things she said.
I do find it odd though that you seem to put an emphasis on the fact that they were not vocal about blm. Not everyone wants to talk politics, or get into that. There is high tensions surrounding blm right now, from either side. Many people dont want to get involved in that, and its not something you should cut someone off for.
I can see why you would cut them off, and I can see why it might be a bit overreacting to do that. Either way goes, really. Its up to you.
Yeah I get what you mean. I was just trying to say that now it probably the worst time for them to decide to make up with her because I associate her with those racist comment if you get what I mean : ) also, i would think that considering they have black friends that they would speak up about it since staying silent about institutional racism doesn’t sit right w me, but that’s just my personal opinion. I agree that I can’t dictate who they are friends with, it’s just not nice to think that ppl who I considered my best friends at one point to go back to being friends w someone like that.
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LovelyMrFox
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yeah I get what you mean. I was just trying to say that now it probably the worst time for them to decide to make up with her because I associate her with those racist comment if you get what I mean : ) also, i would think that considering they have black friends that they would speak up about it since staying silent about institutional racism doesn’t sit right w me, but that’s just my personal opinion. I agree that I can’t dictate who they are friends with, it’s just not nice to think that ppl who I considered my best friends at one point to go back to being friends w someone like that.
I have many BAME friends too, but Im not being vocal. It doesnt mean Im against it, Id just rather not get into a political war on snapchat if you get what Im saying :lol:
Makes enough sense in the last bit. Id suggest talking to them about how it makes you feel, and decide what to do from there.
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birights
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personally, i would maybe talk to them about it. (that is if you want to try and resolve things and still be friends.) i would probably tell them why X makes you uncomfortable to them and hopefully they would understand and maybe bring it up with her if they did care about what happened before. because the racist comments really aren’t right. and if you really do want to understand why they’re all friends again just ask, if you all had bad experiences with X then they should be able to tell you the reason as to why they’re friends again i guess?

in terms of political views and just generally not getting along, if you really differed in opinions and personality i guess it’s not really worth doing anything to ‘resolve’ a friendship between you two? you can’t really decide who your friends can or cannot be friends with too but honestly they don’t seem like the best group just from what you’ve said in the post-ultimately this is up to you though! if you don’t see yourself and the group really becoming friends again, just go hang out with people who you actually like being with and you feel comfortable with (:
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by LovelyMrFox)
I have many BAME friends too, but Im not being vocal. It doesnt mean Im against it, Id just rather not get into a political war on snapchat if you get what Im saying :lol:
Makes enough sense in the last bit. Id suggest talking to them about how it makes you feel, and decide what to do from there.
Yeah I understand the bit about not wanting a political war over sc lol. Also, I don’t know if it’s worth asking at this point, they know how I feel about her so I think it’s one of those moment where I just say “you do you”
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by birights)
personally, i would maybe talk to them about it. (that is if you want to try and resolve things and still be friends.) i would probably tell them why X makes you uncomfortable to them and hopefully they would understand and maybe bring it up with her if they did care about what happened before. because the racist comments really aren’t right. and if you really do want to understand why they’re all friends again just ask, if you all had bad experiences with X then they should be able to tell you the reason as to why they’re friends again i guess?

in terms of political views and just generally not getting along, if you really differed in opinions and personality i guess it’s not really worth doing anything to ‘resolve’ a friendship between you two? you can’t really decide who your friends can or cannot be friends with too but honestly they don’t seem like the best group just from what you’ve said in the post-ultimately this is up to you though! if you don’t see yourself and the group really becoming friends again, just go hang out with people who you actually like being with and you feel comfortable with (:
Yeah I completely understand what you’re saying. I’m debating whether I should talk to them about it or not because it might turn into an argument or they’ll feel like I’m dictating who they can and can’t be friends with and may just cause unnecessary drama that I don’t need. The world is crazy enough at it is. I might just leave them to their own devices, basically they do what they want to do and I do what I want to do. There are some people who you’re just not supposed to b friends with.
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birights
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yeah I completely understand what you’re saying. I’m debating whether I should talk to them about it or not because it might turn into an argument or they’ll feel like I’m dictating who they can and can’t be friends with and may just cause unnecessary drama that I don’t need. The world is crazy enough at it is. I might just leave them to their own devices, basically they do what they want to do and I do what I want to do. There are some people who you’re just not supposed to b friends with.
yeah exactly ! i remember saying you hung out with a different group when distancing yourself from them so i hope they’re a good group of people that you get along with (:
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