I've messed up with my girlfriend

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Anonymous #1
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Me (18) and my gf (17) have been going out for about 7 months now, and because her parents don't allow her to have a boyfriend, we've not been able to meet up for the past few months, and can only call for a few hours everyday.

I do really love her and I know she feels the same about me, but these past 2 weeks or so, I kept having thoughts about other girls, not any specific girl, just the thought of doing physical stuff with girls. I'd never ever cheat on my girlfriend, but I felt really guilty about this, especially when I was bored and feeling kind of lonely i.e. when we couldnt talk.

So I told her about it, and she got really upset obviously, and idk if she still even trusts me, and this morning i think she nearly broke up with me but didn't go through with it. I really love this girl, I wouldnt do anything to hurt her ever, and i rlly hate having those thoughts and I just want to make her feel better. Whenever I tried to say that I'm a really bad bf, she got more upset and neither of want to break up, that isn't an option really tbh.

I just dont really know what to do to make the situation better, I want to stop these thoughts, but they just sort of happen, especially since I've not had any action for a while, but I dont even want that, just want her to be happy. Just want advice on what to tell her.
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Anonymous #2
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The fact you told her shows a lot of transparency in your relationship, although it's understanding to see why she would be upset. I guess you just need to reassure her that you won't act on these thoughts, and maybe try to not bring them up.

If I was your girlfriend I'd be feeling quite insecure right now, make her feel special in anyway you can. I haven't been able to see my boyfriend yet due to the pandemic so we have Facetime dates, watch Netflix party together and he sent a care package to my house.

In terms of the thoughts, I think they're probably completely normal, it's just how you act on them.
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babyshark
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Firstly, I applaud you for being honest. Your relationship seems so trustworthy and the fact you were honest shows you guys trust each other.

If I were her, I’d feel a little insecure now. I know you didn’t mean to upset her but I’m guessing she feels that she’s not good enough. Just keep reassuring her you love her and give her compliments!

You clearly love her and want to be with her, so I suggest just having a deep conversation with her. Just listen to everything she had to say and she listens to what you have to say. Put all your emotions out there and then you’ll have a deeper understanding of each other.

Don’t feel guilty. You did the right thing by telling her. Good luck!
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Anonymous #1
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I really appreciate the replies.

I'm glad i know that it's probably her feeling insecure that is the issue, yeah, think I'm gonna have to make her feel rlly special.

I just really want to get rid of these thoughts as well and stop thinking about this stuff, it's just like the feeling i get when i get physical with someone else. I dont rlly care about that stuff as i said, and i felt like i pressured her to be more like that which i really dont want if it's forced like that.

Thanks again for the replies
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babyshark
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I really appreciate the replies.

I'm glad i know that it's probably her feeling insecure that is the issue, yeah, think I'm gonna have to make her feel rlly special.

I just really want to get rid of these thoughts as well and stop thinking about this stuff, it's just like the feeling i get when i get physical with someone else. I dont rlly care about that stuff as i said, and i felt like i pressured her to be more like that which i really dont want if it's forced like that.

Thanks again for the replies
It’s okay! Just talk it through and I’m sure you guys will work it out
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Kk1999
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Me (18) and my gf (17) have been going out for about 7 months now, and because her parents don't allow her to have a boyfriend, we've not been able to meet up for the past few months, and can only call for a few hours everyday.

I do really love her and I know she feels the same about me, but these past 2 weeks or so, I kept having thoughts about other girls, not any specific girl, just the thought of doing physical stuff with girls. I'd never ever cheat on my girlfriend, but I felt really guilty about this, especially when I was bored and feeling kind of lonely i.e. when we couldnt talk.

So I told her about it, and she got really upset obviously, and idk if she still even trusts me, and this morning i think she nearly broke up with me but didn't go through with it. I really love this girl, I wouldnt do anything to hurt her ever, and i rlly hate having those thoughts and I just want to make her feel better. Whenever I tried to say that I'm a really bad bf, she got more upset and neither of want to break up, that isn't an option really tbh.

I just dont really know what to do to make the situation better, I want to stop these thoughts, but they just sort of happen, especially since I've not had any action for a while, but I dont even want that, just want her to be happy. Just want advice on what to tell her.
dont worry bro, just clean up the mess!

When you're the one who is the reason for this you're the only one to sort it up too.
So just clean up the mess?

dw and good lucl!
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Me (18) and my gf (17) have been going out for about 7 months now, and because her parents don't allow her to have a boyfriend, we've not been able to meet up for the past few months, and can only call for a few hours everyday.

I do really love her and I know she feels the same about me, but these past 2 weeks or so, I kept having thoughts about other girls, not any specific girl, just the thought of doing physical stuff with girls. I'd never ever cheat on my girlfriend, but I felt really guilty about this, especially when I was bored and feeling kind of lonely i.e. when we couldnt talk.

So I told her about it, and she got really upset obviously, and idk if she still even trusts me, and this morning i think she nearly broke up with me but didn't go through with it. I really love this girl, I wouldnt do anything to hurt her ever, and i rlly hate having those thoughts and I just want to make her feel better. Whenever I tried to say that I'm a really bad bf, she got more upset and neither of want to break up, that isn't an option really tbh.

I just dont really know what to do to make the situation better, I want to stop these thoughts, but they just sort of happen, especially since I've not had any action for a while, but I dont even want that, just want her to be happy. Just want advice on what to tell her.
Hmmm everyone’s saying this is a normal way for you to think and feel but it actually isn’t. It shows there’s a lack of something, hence why shes insecure and upset. She knows what this means.
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Notmycuppa
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It’s fine you’re going thru a lot of hormones during the ages of 18 to 19. When you turn 20 your hormones will stabilise hopefully
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hmmm everyone’s saying this is a normal way for you to think and feel but it actually isn’t. It shows there’s a lack of something, hence why shes insecure and upset. She knows what this means.
what does it mean?
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Second_Beauty
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Me (18) and my gf (17) have been going out for about 7 months now, and because her parents don't allow her to have a boyfriend, we've not been able to meet up for the past few months, and can only call for a few hours everyday.

I do really love her and I know she feels the same about me, but these past 2 weeks or so, I kept having thoughts about other girls, not any specific girl, just the thought of doing physical stuff with girls. I'd never ever cheat on my girlfriend, but I felt really guilty about this, especially when I was bored and feeling kind of lonely i.e. when we couldnt talk.

So I told her about it, and she got really upset obviously, and idk if she still even trusts me, and this morning i think she nearly broke up with me but didn't go through with it. I really love this girl, I wouldnt do anything to hurt her ever, and i rlly hate having those thoughts and I just want to make her feel better. Whenever I tried to say that I'm a really bad bf, she got more upset and neither of want to break up, that isn't an option really tbh.

I just dont really know what to do to make the situation better, I want to stop these thoughts, but they just sort of happen, especially since I've not had any action for a while, but I dont even want that, just want her to be happy. Just want advice on what to tell her.
Putting myself in her position, I’d be very upset and hurt too but obviously it’s because of becoming insecure in the relationship. If I noticed you confided because you were genuinely concerned and it was obviously something hurting or upsetting you then no way should it lead to a breakup. However you have some partners that will tell their other half they’ve been thinking of other people as a manipulative move.

If you both go to same school or whatever then try your best to hold out until the new semester. If not then hold out until lockdown lifts and you guys can see eachother more

Honestly, the relationship started off as you two seeing eachother physically to now just being over the phone. And if you guys were sexually involved as well, it’s going to take a strong will to be okay with not having that for a while. There are many ways to entertain yourself sexually while thinking of her so you don’t think of other females. However the fact that you’re thinking of other women comes across as you losing physical interest in your current girlfriend. So I don’t know what you can tell her other then reassuring her how much you’re attracted to her and love her. Imagination goes a long way as well.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Second_Beauty)
Putting myself in her position, I’d be very upset and hurt too but obviously it’s because of becoming insecure in the relationship. If I noticed you confided because you were genuinely concerned and it was obviously something hurting or upsetting you then no way should it lead to a breakup. However you have some partners that will tell their other half they’ve been thinking of other people as a manipulative move.

If you both go to same school or whatever then try your best to hold out until the new semester. If not then hold out until lockdown lifts and you guys can see eachother more

Honestly, the relationship started off as you two seeing eachother physically to now just being over the phone. And if you guys were sexually involved as well, it’s going to take a strong will to be okay with not having that for a while. There are many ways to entertain yourself sexually while thinking of her so you don’t think of other females. However the fact that you’re thinking of other women comes across as you losing physical interest in your current girlfriend. So I don’t know what you can tell her other then reassuring her how much you’re attracted to her and love her. Imagination goes a long way as well.
Yeah we dont go to the same school, but we'll see each other much more after lockdown, obviously it's still hard cos of her parents.

And yea, I'm rlly fine with not having anything sexually for a few months, I don't really care much for that and im scared ive put pressure on her to that more which is really not what i want, main thing is I want to spend more time with her and meet her parents too so that I can maybe spend more time with her since we dont have to keep it secret. Cos right now as it is, she isn't able to talk to me for the whole day until at night, because her parents took her phone when they found out about us, we usually just have contact once a day for a few hours.

And yea, the main thing that i was thinking about with other women wasn't very sexual, it was just like what kids think of, just like soft stuff, like just making out or whatever, idk if it was cos i was feeling lonely or what, I know I wouldnt ever actually do that. I dont care all that much for the sexual stuff, but i like it when we do.
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Second_Beauty
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yeah we dont go to the same school, but we'll see each other much more after lockdown, obviously it's still hard cos of her parents.

And yea, I'm rlly fine with not having anything sexually for a few months, I don't really care much for that and im scared ive put pressure on her to that more which is really not what i want, main thing is I want to spend more time with her and meet her parents too so that I can maybe spend more time with her since we dont have to keep it secret. Cos right now as it is, she isn't able to talk to me for the whole day until at night, because her parents took her phone when they found out about us, we usually just have contact once a day for a few hours.

And yea, the main thing that i was thinking about with other women wasn't very sexual, it was just like what kids think of, just like soft stuff, like just making out or whatever, idk if it was cos i was feeling lonely or what, I know I wouldnt ever actually do that. I dont care all that much for the sexual stuff, but i like it when we do.
I don’t know how it is for guys but telling a woman you’re thinking of other girls will register as you losing interest in her leading to insecurity. So she will feel pressured to do more so she won’t lose you. So reassuring her and making her feel special again, is a good start.

It’s absolutely great that you were open about it and showed honesty though. However I’d say thinking of making out with other girls is on the road to thinking more sexual stuff but as everyone else has said, it’s normal to feel sexually frustrated when you’re body is at that age where it’s at its horniest. What shouldn’t be normalised is letting that sexual frustration get the best of you and lead your decision making.

Also if her parents are that strict, you may not be meeting them anytime soon or else it may just make the situation worse. So this situation of needing to hide may be something you both have to struggle with for a while. Are you okay with that?

I was in a similar situation when I was 15/16 in highschool and was on and off with the guy even after graduating. I felt very pressured simply because we have two different lifestyles solely due to the fact that I had strict parents and could never leave the house. We both decided to break up because he told me he couldn’t go any longer without sex. It hurt at the time and I didn’t speak to him for about 3 years. Now we’ve been speaking off and on but I can’t go back to him because it impacted me in a big way that I’ll never forget although we both love each-other.

So whatever you both decide to do. Make sure you both are atleast on good terms and there’s no disrespect like cheating that happens which you can’t shake back from. That way if you do break up for right now, you may be able to get back together later.
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Anonymous #3
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If you’re yearning for other girls maybe you’re missing a sexual spark with her like maybe you love her personality and her but she doesn’t do it for you.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Second_Beauty)
I don’t know how it is for guys but telling a woman you’re thinking of other girls will register as you losing interest in her leading to insecurity. So she will feel pressured to do more so she won’t lose you. So reassuring her and making her feel special again, is a good start.

It’s absolutely great that you were open about it and showed honesty though. However I’d say thinking of making out with other girls is on the road to thinking more sexual stuff but as everyone else has said, it’s normal to feel sexually frustrated when you’re body is at that age where it’s at its horniest. What shouldn’t be normalised is letting that sexual frustration get the best of you and lead your decision making.

Also if her parents are that strict, you may not be meeting them anytime soon or else it may just make the situation worse. So this situation of needing to hide may be something you both have to struggle with for a while. Are you okay with that?

I was in a similar situation when I was 15/16 in highschool and was on and off with the guy even after graduating. I felt very pressured simply because we have two different lifestyles solely due to the fact that I had strict parents and could never leave the house. We both decided to break up because he told me he couldn’t go any longer without sex. It hurt at the time and I didn’t speak to him for about 3 years. Now we’ve been speaking off and on but I can’t go back to him because it impacted me in a big way that I’ll never forget although we both love each-other.

So whatever you both decide to do. Make sure you both are atleast on good terms and there’s no disrespect like cheating that happens which you can’t shake back from. That way if you do break up for right now, you may be able to get back together later.
Yeah, I knew her parents were strict like this and I'm alright with waiting until she wants to tell her parents about us, especially since we're going to try to move in together or at least visit each other a few times a week next year when she's at university and has more freedom.

And the last thing wants is to break up from what she's sad, I just hope I'm able to cheer her up and as you say make her feel good about herself again.

I'm not going to let it affect my decision making though, and wouldn't ever dream of cheating on her, thanks for sharing ur experiences btw, it helps.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
If you’re yearning for other girls maybe you’re missing a sexual spark with her like maybe you love her personality and her but she doesn’t do it for you.
She does do it for me, I do think she is rlly perfect and I wouldn't ask for anything else from her, it's when she's not there and I'm feeling down or lonely or whatever, I might start to yearn a bit, it's more about like the thrill of getting someone new if you get me. And obviously I feel really bad and really guilty about this, it's why I told her. But I don't feel like she's missing anything. thanks for telling me though and trying to help
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Kk1999)
dont worry bro, just clean up the mess!

When you're the one who is the reason for this you're the only one to sort it up too.
So just clean up the mess?

dw and good lucl!
Yup, I definitely agree, I just hope I can and that i havent messed up too much. got a few ideas anyway to help now
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Kk1999
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yup, I definitely agree, I just hope I can and that i havent messed up too much. got a few ideas anyway to help now
good luck!
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Second_Beauty
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yeah, I knew her parents were strict like this and I'm alright with waiting until she wants to tell her parents about us, especially since we're going to try to move in together or at least visit each other a few times a week next year when she's at university and has more freedom.

And the last thing wants is to break up from what she's sad, I just hope I'm able to cheer her up and as you say make her feel good about herself again.

I'm not going to let it affect my decision making though, and wouldn't ever dream of cheating on her, thanks for sharing ur experiences btw, it helps.
Well you obviously care about her and seem like a sweet guy. Maybe she was about to do the break up out of frustration only. I’m sure she misses you just as much as you miss her. If you guys are moving in together soon then I’d definitely say stick it out until. Even if you can’t move in together, maybe she can apply for student accom.

I hope you guys make it. Good luck 🤞🏾
Last edited by Second_Beauty; 2 days ago
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