thoughts: dating a mum?

Watch
Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 4 days ago
#1
I'm in my early 20s and have recently started talking to a girl from tinder who's 19 and has a 2 year old child.

Not sure on the exact specifics but she got pregnant super young around 15 and her bf left her once he found out she was pregnant and she's been a single mum since, she's had the casual dating since but said most guys abort once they find out she's a mum or use her for sex and then leave her after.

This is my first time ever dealing with something like this but she's got a really nice personality and I'm not bothered by her having a kid so I'm willing to give it a go.

I guess a few things on my mind, and feel this is the perfect place to get everyones thoughts and ask all the 'stupid' questions:

I'm not bothered by her having a child but I feel I'm too young to take on any parental responsibilities, I still live with my parents and I can barely look after myself, I love going out with friends on weekend and getting drunk etc.. If we start dating would taking on various responsibilities be something I'd have to do?

Sorry for the awkward topic of this next point but according to the NHS website sex doesn't feel the same for women after birth as it stretches the vagina becoming wider and loose which means it's not as tight and so there is less sensation as well as the possibility of damaged nerves which could result in less feeling and google also says how because of it not being as enjoyable alongside hormones of birth and all the responsibilities some women lose their sex drive after birth? what's everyones thoughts on this? and do you think this would mean not having sex often? I've got quite a high sex drive so..

third point that comes to mind is something that can be a bit of an inconvenience, she said she'd have to take her kid everywhere and so we won't be able to go out together without her child with us for a couple reasons she's not comfortable getting a baby sitter until the childs a bit older and also can't afford one. So we can only stay at home until her kid is a few years older when she can pay for a baby sitter. Her family aren't arround to look after the child either, I think they kicked her out when she was pregnant so young.

Whats everyones views on this and are there any other points worth me knowing?
0
reply
Surnia
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#2
Report 4 days ago
#2
(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm in my early 20s and have recently started talking to a girl from tinder who's 19 and has a 2 year old child.

Not sure on the exact specifics but she got pregnant super young around 15 and her bf left her once he found out she was pregnant and she's been a single mum since, she's had the casual dating since but said most guys abort once they find out she's a mum or use her for sex and then leave her after.

This is my first time ever dealing with something like this but she's got a really nice personality and I'm not bothered by her having a kid so I'm willing to give it a go.

I guess a few things on my mind, and feel this is the perfect place to get everyones thoughts and ask all the 'stupid' questions:

I'm not bothered by her having a child but I feel I'm too young to take on any parental responsibilities, I still live with my parents and I can barely look after myself, I love going out with friends on weekend and getting drunk etc.. If we start dating would taking on various responsibilities be something I'd have to do?

Sorry for the awkward topic of this next point but according to the NHS website sex doesn't feel the same for women after birth as it stretches the vagina becoming wider and loose which means it's not as tight and so there is less sensation as well as the possibility of damaged nerves which could result in less feeling and google also says how because of it not being as enjoyable alongside hormones of birth and all the responsibilities some women lose their sex drive after birth? what's everyones thoughts on this? and do you think this would mean not having sex often? I've got quite a high sex drive so..

third point that comes to mind is something that can be a bit of an inconvenience, she said she'd have to take her kid everywhere and so we won't be able to go out together without her child with us for a couple reasons she's not comfortable getting a baby sitter until the childs a bit older and also can't afford one. So we can only stay at home until her kid is a few years older when she can pay for a baby sitter. Her family aren't arround to look after the child either, I think they kicked her out when she was pregnant so young.

Whats everyones views on this and are there any other points worth me knowing?
It's not age, you don't sound mature enough to be getting involved in a relationship like this; in fact, any relationship, if you prefer a bit of a party, drinking lifestyle and no responsibilities. You wouldn't necessarily have to give all that up when going out with someone, but you do need to think about the priorities.

Not in the order you asked, but you do know that people continue to have sex after the first child and may have another child and continue to have sex and may have another child and so on... Yes, it's not always a good experience for women, but not being comfortable having sex can apply to any woman, mother or not. This is not straight after birth, you are getting way ahead of yourself on what will happen, and making sweeping generalisations.

What reponsibilties you take on will be the decision of this girl. It may be as simple as her having a long soak in the bath without interruptions whilst you keep an eye on the child, to sharing some of the housework, shopping, cooking etc whilst visiting. It would be good for you to offer to help with some things before being asked, but what are you actually able to do?

Babysitting costs aside, I can understand her wanting to keep her child close. It's an unconditional love from someone in her life and she hasn't had much of that. Don't try to come between her and the child and don't make her choose; you won't win. Could you cope with a year or 2 of no evenings out with this girl, and when you go out timings will revolve around the child's sleeping and feeding and their comfort? Just doing simple things like lunches, the park, the cinema, play areas, and even then limited if money is tight?

Honestly, I'm not sure that this would be the right relationship for you, and this girl doesn't need someone who is going in half-hearted. I certainly think you need to start learning some life skills like cooking and cleaning; I learnt things like that at less than half your age.
3
reply
Anonymous #2
#3
Report 3 days ago
#3
I am a single father (23) and thought i'd share my opinion on the topic for what it's worth.

Ultimately it all depends on the way you personally feel about it and what you want from her. I've also found that when girls discover i'm a father they reject any ideas of a relationship, and it is quite distressing at times (although funny to see they way they take a U tur from being super interested to cutting contact - not that I blame them btw). But if you aren't interested in something long term then it is best to let her know.

You should let her know you don't feel ready to take on any responsibilities, and it is wrong of her to expect you to. However, you have to make this clear at the start. I would never expect anyone i'm dating to be involved in care, although I would expect an understanding of my situation and to even like my daughter (although personally i wouldn't introduce the two until i was sure it was something serious). But no, if she cares about you then she shouldn't expect anything but please make that clear to each other where you stand. I'm sure as time progresses you will perhaps feel more keen to be involved with the child. Getting 'drunk' is a thin line too. Nothing wrong with being out with friends and having a good time, but remember that you shouldn't be bringing that part of your life to the relationship.

Going out on dates bviously sounds difficult, so it depends how you feel about meeting her child. If you're both happy to then there is no reason why you can't be at each other's house.

Although the females experience changes to their body it doesn't necessarily make much of a difference to sex. Yes i'll admit I noticed a difference before and after, although to me it didn't change anything. In fact, my partner probably had a much, much higher desire for sex after pregnancy. It's different with everyone.

At the end of the day it is like any other relationship. It's about give and take. You need to be honest to her about what you want, and she needs to be honest with you about what she would expect from you. But as long as you like her go for it, a child poses challeneges to a relationship of course but as long as there is respect and understanding you can work around it.
0
reply
Anonymous #3
#4
Report 3 days ago
#4
shes 19 and has a 2 year old child but was pregnant at 15?....
0
reply
Anonymous #4
#5
Report 3 days ago
#5
(Original post by Anonymous)
shes 19 and has a 2 year old child but was pregnant at 15?....
I was confused by that for a second as well lol, but I figured 15 and 19 could technically be only a 3 year age difference, and 9 months pregnant + 2 year old (possibly almost 3) is 3 years as well.
0
reply
Anonymous #3
#6
Report 3 days ago
#6
(Original post by Anonymous)
I was confused by that for a second as well lol, but I figured 15 and 19 could technically be only a 3 year age difference, and 9 months pregnant + 2 year old (possibly almost 3) is 3 years as well.
oh yeah you’re right :’) didnt think about that
0
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

How are you finding researching unis for 2021 entry?

I have been able to get all the information I need from online research (56)
19.18%
I have tried virtual events and found them useful (63)
21.58%
I have tried virtual events and did not find them useful (58)
19.86%
I would be interested in trying socially distanced or scaled down in person events (63)
21.58%
I want to but don't know where to start with researching unis for 2021 entry (26)
8.9%
I haven't started researching yet (26)
8.9%

Watched Threads

View All