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    what do you call a baby with a dislocated jaw? Deep throat.

    Was allowed 3 words in the lonely hearts under the collumn ''what do you like in a woman''. Unfortunately ''My Erect Penis'' is not allowed.

    Did you hear gary glitter jumped ship on the way back to england? He was found hugging a small buoy
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    'I can't take Boris Johnson seriously. Just look at his initials!'

    What colour opens cars?
    Khaki.

    Man goes outside to find his dog shagging a lettuce.
    Man: Why're you shagging a lettuce?!
    Dog: Sorry, I though it was a collie!

    Apparently George Bush is so scared of the bird flu epidemic that he's decided to bomb the Canary islands.

    Man calls up chinese restaurant and asks if they deliver.
    Chinese man: No, we do de chicken, de pork, de fish but we don't do de liver!


    My mums faves:

    How do you tell if an elephants been in your fridge?
    There's a footprint in the butter!

    How do you get two whales in a mini?
    Over the Severn Bridge.

    How does an elephant ask for cake?
    Can I have some cake please?
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    (Original post by urbandervish)
    This is my lot....


    Why is a tart like a tub of margarine ...
    Spoiler:
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    they both spread easily.


    What's the difference between a woman from Wigan and a walrus?

    Spoiler:
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    One's got a moustache and smells of fish and the other lives in the sea.


    Anyone here from Wigan :ninjagirl:


    What's the difference between a G~spot and a golf ball?
    Spoiler:
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    A man will actually search for a golf ball.



    What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
    Spoiler:
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    E.T. phones home.



    What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
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    Her navel.



    What's the difference between a woman with PMT and a pitbull terrier?
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    Lipstick.


    What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
    Spoiler:
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    One is hairy, smelly, and is always scratching its arse and the other's a chimpanzee.



    Last one...

    What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
    Spoiler:
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    One's a mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.







    i always search for the g spot :p:
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    what's 12 inches long, purple and makes women scream?

    cot death.
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    (Original post by hec)
    what's 12 inches long, purple and makes women scream?

    cot death.
    i was guessing ian huntley's penis
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    Q-Why did the chicken cross the road

    A-Dunno you tell me im the one asking the question

    HAHA i am amused


    When you assume you make an ass out of u and me
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    Where does the king keep his armies?
    up his sleevies.

    Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

    I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize

    How do you embarrass an archeologist?
    Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
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    One day a woman picks up her kids from school, she's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor " Where is my son he was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham?"

    The doctor replies "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he wont be able to kick a football any more."

    The woman asks about her daughter "Doctor where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at wimbeldon"

    The doctor says "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she
    wont be able to pick up a racket any more" She begins to cry.

    "Doctor" asks the woman, "How long have I been in this coma?" The doctor replies, " 6 months". "So what's the date?" asks the woman

    "April 1st" says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh "So you were jokeing then were you?"

    Doctor: "YES.........they both died in inpact"
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    How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Only one, but it will take 20 episodes.
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    (Original post by Speedbird2008)
    What does DNA stand for?
    National Dyslexic Association.


    Why was there lipstick on the blonde's steering wheel?
    She was tryig to blow the horn.

    :o:
    oioi dont steal my jokes
    i posted that in the best joke ever thread
    which is where it belongs
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    (Original post by MazalTov89)
    How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Only one, but it will take 20 episodes.
    ^^^that's amazing
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    One.

    How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by soulofanewmachine)
    http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/jokes.html

    Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
    Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.
    They are genius!

    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Annaconda)
    oioi dont steal my jokes
    i posted that in the best joke ever thread
    which is where it belongs
    Haha, I didn't see it sorry.

    Loving some from that website:

    Why do women fake orgasms?
    Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

    Why do undertakers wear ties?
    Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

    Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
    She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

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    i used to be a werewolf but im alright nowwwwowowww

    i used to be vain but now im perfect

    i used to be indecisive but now im not so sure
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    What's an aliens favourite chocolate bar?
    Galaxy.

    *Gets coat*
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    what time did the chinese man book the dentist?

    TOOTH HURTY (2:30)
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    A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.
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    A team of cats named One, Two and Three start swimming the channel from the English side

    A team of cats named Un, Deux and Trois starts swimming the channel from the French side

    Which team of cats gets to the other side first?

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    One, Two and Three; because Un, Deux, Trois quatre cinq (say it out loud)
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    Not really a joke but it made me laugh:

    '1,1' was a racehorse, and '2,2' was one too. '1,1' won one race, and '2,2' won one too
 
 
 
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