How do I stop caring about acceptance and being too nice

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Anonymous #1
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I'm a guy in his early twenties, always been unpopular but mostly sought acceptance from others about how I am. Ashamed to be admitted to Instagram, Facebook, etc and valuing likes from certain people. Found it very hard until recently to say no to others too. Not the most confident guy and find people (mostly girls) talk down to me rather than see me as another regular person.

Needless to say, this has affected me maintaining friendships as well as my dating life. I've never really got anywhere with girls and think this unassertiveness is more or less the root cause of my issues along with the accompanying depression.

As per the question, how do I stop caring?
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Anonymous #1
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*where it says admitted it should be addicted
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Pathway
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I think it's more of dealing with your depression and working on self confidence rather than not caring.
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Anonymous #2
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I think it all roots back to self esteem issues that you're feeling like this. Tbh after high school, popularity really isn't a thing, instead of focusing on others approval you gotta focus on yourself and your goals rather than seeking validation, bc in the end of the day it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you but only your loved ones. You will always be perceived differently to various people, someone might think your a good person while another person might think you're a douchebag, you have to learn to accept it. Learn how to say no more too, I know at the start you may feel bad but people like to take advantage of people pleasers. As for the rude girls, ignore them there are plenty of nice girls out there, if someone speaks down upon you then simply do not speak to them again and don't take it to heart as I know a lot of girls just act prestige to guys in general as they think they're some next level Kylie Jenner. I do advise going to the GP for the depression.
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Oxford Mum
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm a guy in his early twenties, always been unpopular but mostly sought acceptance from others about how I am. Ashamed to be admitted to Instagram, Facebook, etc and valuing likes from certain people. Found it very hard until recently to say no to others too. Not the most confident guy and find people (mostly girls) talk down to me rather than see me as another regular person.

Needless to say, this has affected me maintaining friendships as well as my dating life. I've never really got anywhere with girls and think this unassertiveness is more or less the root cause of my issues along with the accompanying depression.

As per the question, how do I stop caring?
Please keep being a caring person. There are too few nice guys like you! That is not the same as stopping caring what others think.

There are many guys who have messed me around in the past. Time has revealed them to be a bunch of worthless idiots who mess others about just for kicks. Do I care if they like me or not? No....

These people who are not "liking" you on social media may be worthless anyway, and full of themselves. This is why you must not be devastated if they do not like you back.

Work on your self esteem, and see a doctor if this will make you feel better. It's just that you are not meeting the right people at the right time, that's all. One day you will find true friends who value for your kindness. I am lucky because I have great friends, but it has taken time to find them. Once I do find them, I make sure I tell them I appreciate them, and so they trust and value me.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Pathway)
I think it's more of dealing with your depression and working on self confidence rather than not caring.
Yeah I talk to my parents about issues regularly and have received counselling, but might go and see a therapist too
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I think it all roots back to self esteem issues that you're feeling like this. Tbh after high school, popularity really isn't a thing, instead of focusing on others approval you gotta focus on yourself and your goals rather than seeking validation, bc in the end of the day it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you but only your loved ones. You will always be perceived differently to various people, someone might think your a good person while another person might think you're a douchebag, you have to learn to accept it. Learn how to say no more too, I know at the start you may feel bad but people like to take advantage of people pleasers. As for the rude girls, ignore them there are plenty of nice girls out there, if someone speaks down upon you then simply do not speak to them again and don't take it to heart as I know a lot of girls just act prestige to guys in general as they think they're some next level Kylie Jenner. I do advise going to the GP for the depression.
My self esteem has been up and down over the past couple of years but on popularity, I would argue that it is a thing at uni and even work. People who don't get invited to things, aren't taken seriously, bullied, isolated, etc sometimes have little control of their circumstances because others have been able to frame things so negatively that it leaves them with fewer opportunities than most would usually have. I'm trying slowly to focus on my own goals and see where I want my life to go but leaving these thoughts is the hardest thing to do when they've been occupying your mind for so long. I find most people (as per my first post) used me for coursework help, talked to me solely out of politeness or just straight up ignored me when there was nothing wrong that I had done in the first place; wasn't even trying to be accepted or please anyone in these scenarios. Thing is, even the so called 'nice' girls have treated me in this way and are nice to me so that on the surface they don't appear to be rude or total b**ches; one girl even told me that she'd never take me seriously even if I swore at her whilst others gave me the same old rubbish of "you're a great guy, etc". The very advice these girls gave me about girls just held no weight after I discovered those people ignoring all of their preachings and fooling around with guys who were quite clearly nothing like what they told me was 'good'.

Personally I'd like to have fun and I'm not particularly (girls wise) waiting for some ideal person, but just can't stand to play games or change myself so much for people who just want to mess around; definitely agree on the Kylie Jenner allusion. Trying to contact my GP to sort things out in the next couple of days..
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mgi
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm a guy in his early twenties, always been unpopular but mostly sought acceptance from others about how I am. Ashamed to be admitted to Instagram, Facebook, etc and valuing likes from certain people. Found it very hard until recently to say no to others too. Not the most confident guy and find people (mostly girls) talk down to me rather than see me as another regular person.

Needless to say, this has affected me maintaining friendships as well as my dating life. I've never really got anywhere with girls and think this unassertiveness is more or less the root cause of my issues along with the accompanying depression.

As per the question, how do I stop caring?
Its not about caring its about your low self esteem which has chsnged you in to a people pleaser! So you have to build your self confidence and be yourself!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by mgi)
Its not about caring its about your low self esteem which has chsnged you in to a people pleaser! So you have to build your self confidence and be yourself!
I think when you don't have many friends or constantly get left out as a kid, it gets rooted in your psyche to try hard with people so that you can change your circumstances.

Have humour and confidence but I find that just masks my insecurities a lot of the time..
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monkeyman0121
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The way I deal with things like this is the fact that there are like 7 billion people on this earth at this time so I know I am not that special. I also know that I can't not make enemies and can't be friends with so many people. I also know my life is my own and I don't want to waste it pleasing other people for the sake of it. Try bettering yourself before pursuing other people because in the end when all hell breaks loose all you have (guaranteed to have) is yourself.
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TheStarboy
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Just be yourself.
You don’t have to bend over to appease everyone.
Just the people who will care for you and like you for who you are.
Keep being your caring self but also have self respect, don’t let people trample over you
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Fermion.
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Don’t let the world make you bitter and hard. Continue being the caring person you are, but just don’t let people walk all over you. Simples.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Fermion.)
Don’t let the world make you bitter and hard. Continue being the caring person you are, but just don’t let people walk all over you. Simples.
I'm not bitter but have practically lost all my friends for one reason or another.

I like to think I was nice growing up, but I've just become disappointed with my own social experiences. Also thought helping people out or sharing a nice gift was a good gesture, ah well
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
My self esteem has been up and down over the past couple of years but on popularity, I would argue that it is a thing at uni and even work. People who don't get invited to things, aren't taken seriously, bullied, isolated, etc sometimes have little control of their circumstances because others have been able to frame things so negatively that it leaves them with fewer opportunities than most would usually have. I'm trying slowly to focus on my own goals and see where I want my life to go but leaving these thoughts is the hardest thing to do when they've been occupying your mind for so long. I find most people (as per my first post) used me for coursework help, talked to me solely out of politeness or just straight up ignored me when there was nothing wrong that I had done in the first place; wasn't even trying to be accepted or please anyone in these scenarios. Thing is, even the so called 'nice' girls have treated me in this way and are nice to me so that on the surface they don't appear to be rude or total b**ches; one girl even told me that she'd never take me seriously even if I swore at her whilst others gave me the same old rubbish of "you're a great guy, etc". The very advice these girls gave me about girls just held no weight after I discovered those people ignoring all of their preachings and fooling around with guys who were quite clearly nothing like what they told me was 'good'.

Personally I'd like to have fun and I'm not particularly (girls wise) waiting for some ideal person, but just can't stand to play games or change myself so much for people who just want to mess around; definitely agree on the Kylie Jenner allusion. Trying to contact my GP to sort things out in the next couple of days..
Sounds to me that you are getting affected by the toxic environment too. You're on the right path though, go get some medical help and just focus on your own path. As a girl myself, I understand that there are many that are just fake nice to get something out of you. Hopefully you will find a great circle of friends when you finish uni.
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Oxford Mum
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(Original post by Anonymous)
My self esteem has been up and down over the past couple of years but on popularity, I would argue that it is a thing at uni and even work. People who don't get invited to things, aren't taken seriously, bullied, isolated, etc sometimes have little control of their circumstances because others have been able to frame things so negatively that it leaves them with fewer opportunities than most would usually have. I'm trying slowly to focus on my own goals and see where I want my life to go but leaving these thoughts is the hardest thing to do when they've been occupying your mind for so long. I find most people (as per my first post) used me for coursework help, talked to me solely out of politeness or just straight up ignored me when there was nothing wrong that I had done in the first place; wasn't even trying to be accepted or please anyone in these scenarios. Thing is, even the so called 'nice' girls have treated me in this way and are nice to me so that on the surface they don't appear to be rude or total b**ches; one girl even told me that she'd never take me seriously even if I swore at her whilst others gave me the same old rubbish of "you're a great guy, etc". The very advice these girls gave me about girls just held no weight after I discovered those people ignoring all of their preachings and fooling around with guys who were quite clearly nothing like what they told me was 'good'.

Personally I'd like to have fun and I'm not particularly (girls wise) waiting for some ideal person, but just can't stand to play games or change myself so much for people who just want to mess around; definitely agree on the Kylie Jenner allusion. Trying to contact my GP to sort things out in the next couple of days..
You sound like a completely awesome person, tbh
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Oxford Mum)
Please keep being a caring person. There are too few nice guys like you! That is not the same as stopping caring what others think.

There are many guys who have messed me around in the past. Time has revealed them to be a bunch of worthless idiots who mess others about just for kicks. Do I care if they like me or not? No....

These people who are not "liking" you on social media may be worthless anyway, and full of themselves. This is why you must not be devastated if they do not like you back.

Work on your self esteem, and see a doctor if this will make you feel better. It's just that you are not meeting the right people at the right time, that's all. One day you will find true friends who value for your kindness. I am lucky because I have great friends, but it has taken time to find them. Once I do find them, I make sure I tell them I appreciate them, and so they trust and value me.
I hear that a lot but hope you are right.

Sorry to hear about those guys, I guess it's one of those things that in hindsight look like poor decisions but at the time exciting and innovative. Glad they are well behind you now.

Yeah most of them are worthless; I'm probably being pretty petty over it but I've had self confidence issues which bring out that anxious side in me. Lost a few friends and slowly getting over the fact I might not hear from them again.

Probably haven't met the right people or potential partners who like me for me. Found on most things from my music taste, humour and interests, my so called 'friends' have had very little in common with me and preferred to isolate me time and again because of these slight differences.

Really happy to hear you are with better people now
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Oxford Mum
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I hear that a lot but hope you are right.

Sorry to hear about those guys, I guess it's one of those things that in hindsight look like poor decisions but at the time exciting and innovative. Glad they are well behind you now.

Yeah most of them are worthless; I'm probably being pretty petty over it but I've had self confidence issues which bring out that anxious side in me. Lost a few friends and slowly getting over the fact I might not hear from them again.

Probably haven't met the right people or potential partners who like me for me. Found on most things from my music taste, humour and interests, my so called 'friends' have had very little in common with me and preferred to isolate me time and again because of these slight differences.

Really happy to hear you are with better people now
Your friends don't seem like real friends at all. So sorry about that.

I have just suffered yet another romantic rejection yesterday. Met a guy at my meetup who was a widower, who was really sad at his wife's death. During Covid I started messaging him and he seemed very keen, but abruptly used to stop the conversation. For example, a whatsapp group I was on did a quiz and he would say "give me the questions" then abruptly go. During another conversation, he just left because he said his tea was ready, but it was quite an elaborate meal so you couldn't text and cook it at the same time. I think he had someone else and just had to stop when she walked in the room. But then I noticed it was always me messaging him, and he said he was missing his wife, so I thought he was not ready yet.

I thought, oh, I'll leave it until it's safer to see him. Anyway, the very day before I was due to message him and confess all (which was today), he posted a pic of himself with a woman, on the train. His status was changed to "in a relationship" and there were all hearts on the profile pic. She commented "I love you" and he replied that he loved her as well.

She lives hundreds of miles away, looks at least ten years older than me and far less attractive. I feel so absolutely gutted. She cannot have fallen in love within weeks, so she must have been the woman he was seeing when he was flirting outrageously with me.

I told him I was glad I had found out so I wouldn't be making a fool of myself when I was to give him my phone number. He responded by removing the parts of our conversation when he was getting very risque and altering my access so I could not view his posts or comments.

I have decided to block him and move on, but I feel gutted at being used. I am trying to put myself off him by thinking that he was 68 years old, so too old for me, but it hurts to see their picture together on Facebook.
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mgi
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I think when you don't have many friends or constantly get left out as a kid, it gets rooted in your psyche to try hard with people so that you can change your circumstances.

Have humour and confidence but I find that just masks my insecurities a lot of the time..
But your last sentence is a contradiction in terms; one cannot be confident and also have those insecurities! That's the point! If you analyse those "insecurities " you will find that the roit of them is a lack of self confidence. And you cannot use your past history to keep you down! It makes no sense. Your are not a "kid" anymore are you.
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Oxford Mum
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Let’s rephrase that - he is trying to have confidence but it’s hard when you are surrounded by idiots.

You are lovely just as you are, don’t change for the worse just to be like them.

I believe in op, anyway.
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mgi
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(Original post by Oxford Mum)
Let’s rephrase that - he is trying to have confidence but it’s hard when you are surrounded by idiots.

You are lovely just as you are, don’t change for the worse just to be like them.

I believe in op, anyway.
"Let’s rephrase that - he is trying to have confidence but it’s hard when you are surrounded by idiots." This can be true but until we stop being swayed by the behaviour of" idiots" we will never be happy. True happiness is actually not about how "idiots" behave! Happiness is about understanding the difference between relative happiness and absolute happiness- they are actually like chalk and cheese! Absolute happiness steadies the ship from inside when the "idiots" are trying to blow the ship off course!
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