My girlfriend is very angry and confrontational all the time

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Anonymous #1
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So me and my gf had a big argument last week. So we met up the other day to clear the air so to speak but I feel like it’s got me nowhere. When we met up I straight away apologised for if what I’d said and done annoyed her. Once I made my point I let her say what she wanted but straight away she was just angry, confrontational and swearing and shouting at me in public. I’m one of these people that believes if you have to resort to shouting and swearing then you can’t get your point across.

Whenever she’d say anything to me that how I’d made her feel recently I’d listen, apologise and take on board what she’d said and then give her answer that showed why I did what I did. But then if I gave her examples of something she’d done she’d either interrupt me by shouting and swearing or after I’d finished she’d just shrug her shoulders and not say anything which suggests she wasn’t listening or wouldn’t want to admit her faults.

This is an example of what happened. So just a bit of background information, my nan is 90 years old and lives on her own. She is riddled with arthritis and the furthest she can physically walk is to her bedroom which is about 15 metres but she needs a Zimmer frame to do that. She can’t even make herself a piece of toast in the kitchen. So my gf said that I make her feel second best sometimes, I asked her to give me an example and she said “you’re always at your nan’s beck and call if she needs help, you need to stop volunteering to help.” I listened to that and said I’m sorry if I made her feel that way but my nan has home care 4 times a day to help her but for example a few weeks ago her home care didn’t turn up to help her with her dinner. So I went down to do it, it was the best thing at the time that I go and do it because my mum who is her primary care giver was at the supermarket, my dad was in a meeting at work, both my sisters were at work and my brother in law was at home looking after his child so it made most sense that I went and made her dinner because I was best placed to do it. When I told her that she just shrugged her shoulders and didn’t say anything. It was as though I have her a good counter argument and she knows it but doesn’t want to admit she’s wrong.

I feel as though she is the one who always has to be right and this relationship is starting to become toxic.
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Amykatmill123
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Girls could be needy [I can say that because I'm a girl too], but her whole issue could be hormonal too. If she takes birth control that happens too. Now, if you feel that you are in a toxic relationship and that she can't understand your family situation then leave/end that relationship. It's very sad that she cannot see how kind of you to help with your nan.
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harrysbar
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So me and my gf had a big argument last week. So we met up the other day to clear the air so to speak but I feel like it’s got me nowhere. When we met up I straight away apologised for if what I’d said and done annoyed her. Once I made my point I let her say what she wanted but straight away she was just angry, confrontational and swearing and shouting at me in public. I’m one of these people that believes if you have to resort to shouting and swearing then you can’t get your point across.

Whenever she’d say anything to me that how I’d made her feel recently I’d listen, apologise and take on board what she’d said and then give her answer that showed why I did what I did. But then if I gave her examples of something she’d done she’d either interrupt me by shouting and swearing or after I’d finished she’d just shrug her shoulders and not say anything which suggests she wasn’t listening or wouldn’t want to admit her faults.

This is an example of what happened. So just a bit of background information, my nan is 90 years old and lives on her own. She is riddled with arthritis and the furthest she can physically walk is to her bedroom which is about 15 metres but she needs a Zimmer frame to do that. She can’t even make herself a piece of toast in the kitchen. So my gf said that I make her feel second best sometimes, I asked her to give me an example and she said “you’re always at your nan’s beck and call if she needs help, you need to stop volunteering to help.” I listened to that and said I’m sorry if I made her feel that way but my nan has home care 4 times a day to help her but for example a few weeks ago her home care didn’t turn up to help her with her dinner. So I went down to do it, it was the best thing at the time that I go and do it because my mum who is her primary care giver was at the supermarket, my dad was in a meeting at work, both my sisters were at work and my brother in law was at home looking after his child so it made most sense that I went and made her dinner because I was best placed to do it. When I told her that she just shrugged her shoulders and didn’t say anything. It was as though I have her a good counter argument and she knows it but doesn’t want to admit she’s wrong.

I feel as though she is the one who always has to be right and this relationship is starting to become toxic.
She should be glad that you are a kind person who thinks about other people's needs (your nan) rather than just focussing on what is fun or convenient for you.

Your gf does not sound like a kind person, so you are incompatible. I would seriously think about ending the relationship or at least saying that you want to go on a break, to see if she can then appreciate that she was being unreasonable.
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Oxford Mum
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So me and my gf had a big argument last week. So we met up the other day to clear the air so to speak but I feel like it’s got me nowhere. When we met up I straight away apologised for if what I’d said and done annoyed her. Once I made my point I let her say what she wanted but straight away she was just angry, confrontational and swearing and shouting at me in public. I’m one of these people that believes if you have to resort to shouting and swearing then you can’t get your point across.

Whenever she’d say anything to me that how I’d made her feel recently I’d listen, apologise and take on board what she’d said and then give her answer that showed why I did what I did. But then if I gave her examples of something she’d done she’d either interrupt me by shouting and swearing or after I’d finished she’d just shrug her shoulders and not say anything which suggests she wasn’t listening or wouldn’t want to admit her faults.

This is an example of what happened. So just a bit of background information, my nan is 90 years old and lives on her own. She is riddled with arthritis and the furthest she can physically walk is to her bedroom which is about 15 metres but she needs a Zimmer frame to do that. She can’t even make herself a piece of toast in the kitchen. So my gf said that I make her feel second best sometimes, I asked her to give me an example and she said “you’re always at your nan’s beck and call if she needs help, you need to stop volunteering to help.” I listened to that and said I’m sorry if I made her feel that way but my nan has home care 4 times a day to help her but for example a few weeks ago her home care didn’t turn up to help her with her dinner. So I went down to do it, it was the best thing at the time that I go and do it because my mum who is her primary care giver was at the supermarket, my dad was in a meeting at work, both my sisters were at work and my brother in law was at home looking after his child so it made most sense that I went and made her dinner because I was best placed to do it. When I told her that she just shrugged her shoulders and didn’t say anything. It was as though I have her a good counter argument and she knows it but doesn’t want to admit she’s wrong.

I feel as though she is the one who always has to be right and this relationship is starting to become toxic.
You are a great grandson, I must say! Many elderly ladies would love to know such a kind, caring person. How often do you see your girlfriend?
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YaliaV
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She resents the fact that you look after your nan? Bin her.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Oxford Mum)
You are a great grandson, I must say! Many elderly ladies would love to know such a kind, caring person. How often do you see your girlfriend?
We were seeing each other 3 times a week but I have broken up with her this morning. I decided I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who resents me for trying to help my nan. I also realised that I can't be with someone who when we have an argument if I apologise for what I've done wrong but they can't see things from my point of view and wont apologise for things they've done wrong and instead just get confrontational all the time and aggressive then it's not healthy for me to be with someone like that.

I feel relieved it's over to be honest.
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xoxAngel_Kxox
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Sorry, but if anyone tried to stop me helping my grandparents - which I do regularly - they would be out of the door. She sounds absolutely awful.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by xoxAngel_Kxox)
Sorry, but if anyone tried to stop me helping my grandparents - which I do regularly - they would be out of the door. She sounds absolutely awful.
She is and I think I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt due to the lockdown but if anything she's become worse. Like I've been through a very personal tragedy over the last week and she essentially just told me to get over it.
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StriderHort
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Sounds a right waste of space.

A girl I dated years back with BPD kicked off at me massively for similar. I got a call my mum had been rushed to hospital and set off, by the time i'd got there an hour later, she had already dumped me and got back together with her ex, fallen out with her ex and wanted to come over to mine. She literally could not grasp that wasn't going to happen and my attention was not on her, like she genuinely thought I'd leave my mum's hospital to come home and have her over for a tantrum. :confused:

She went back to the ex again who killed himself a short time later, v grim.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by StriderHort)
Sounds a right waste of space.

A girl I dated years back with BPD kicked off at me massively for similar. I got a call my mum had been rushed to hospital and set off, by the time i'd got there an hour later, she had already dumped me and got back together with her ex, fallen out with her ex and wanted to come over to mine. She literally could not grasp that wasn't going to happen and my attention was not on her, like she genuinely thought I'd leave my mum's hospital to come home and have her over for a tantrum. :confused:

She went back to the ex again who killed himself a short time later, v grim.
Bloody hell thats awful about the ex. It sounds as though we both dated very selfish people who wanted everything their own way and weren't willing to compromise.

She also used to enjoy putting me down all the time. For example when I was in high school I played rugby and one day I got hit in the mouth which chipped a few of my teeth and made them crooked and it had always bothered me ever since. So last year I had them straightened, whitened and I had the chipped teeth fixed and I was really happy about it and one of the first things she said was "you're so vain" I don't see how it's vain wanting nice teeth. Whereas she on the other hand hasn't gone to a dentist since she was 16 and doesn't even brush her teeth some days.
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barnetlad
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Time to end the relationship I think.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So me and my gf had a big argument last week. So we met up the other day to clear the air so to speak but I feel like it’s got me nowhere. When we met up I straight away apologised for if what I’d said and done annoyed her. Once I made my point I let her say what she wanted but straight away she was just angry, confrontational and swearing and shouting at me in public. I’m one of these people that believes if you have to resort to shouting and swearing then you can’t get your point across.

Whenever she’d say anything to me that how I’d made her feel recently I’d listen, apologise and take on board what she’d said and then give her answer that showed why I did what I did. But then if I gave her examples of something she’d done she’d either interrupt me by shouting and swearing or after I’d finished she’d just shrug her shoulders and not say anything which suggests she wasn’t listening or wouldn’t want to admit her faults.

This is an example of what happened. So just a bit of background information, my nan is 90 years old and lives on her own. She is riddled with arthritis and the furthest she can physically walk is to her bedroom which is about 15 metres but she needs a Zimmer frame to do that. She can’t even make herself a piece of toast in the kitchen. So my gf said that I make her feel second best sometimes, I asked her to give me an example and she said “you’re always at your nan’s beck and call if she needs help, you need to stop volunteering to help.” I listened to that and said I’m sorry if I made her feel that way but my nan has home care 4 times a day to help her but for example a few weeks ago her home care didn’t turn up to help her with her dinner. So I went down to do it, it was the best thing at the time that I go and do it because my mum who is her primary care giver was at the supermarket, my dad was in a meeting at work, both my sisters were at work and my brother in law was at home looking after his child so it made most sense that I went and made her dinner because I was best placed to do it. When I told her that she just shrugged her shoulders and didn’t say anything. It was as though I have her a good counter argument and she knows it but doesn’t want to admit she’s wrong.

I feel as though she is the one who always has to be right and this relationship is starting to become toxic.
If a girl has issues with you helping out your own family, especially the ones that are in need of absolute help like your nan. Get rid of her. She does not respect you or your family, or your situation. She is not helping in any kind of way. The purpose of being in a relationship with someone in the first place is to have a mutual emotional support. And for someone to say that you need to leave your helpless nan just to be in a relationship, im sorry but that person has no heart.
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Dunnig Kruger
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(Original post by Anonymous)
We were seeing each other 3 times a week but I have broken up with her this morning. I decided I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who resents me for trying to help my nan. I also realised that I can't be with someone who when we have an argument if I apologise for what I've done wrong but they can't see things from my point of view and wont apologise for things they've done wrong and instead just get confrontational all the time and aggressive then it's not healthy for me to be with someone like that.

I feel relieved it's over to be honest.
You have done the right thing. You also have the right attitude about what you've done. Feeling relieved is exactly how you should be feeling about this now.

The 2 of you were incompatible in how you resolved conflict.
You have a good chance of your next girlfriend being more level headed and emotionally stable when it comes to resolving conflict.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
You have done the right thing. You also have the right attitude about what you've done. Feeling relieved is exactly how you should be feeling about this now.

The 2 of you were incompatible in how you resolved conflict.
You have a good chance of your next girlfriend being more level headed and emotionally stable when it comes to resolving conflict.
Yeah I realised that we are just incompatible, for me if you can't discuss things without resorting to shouting and swearing and getting aggressive whilst also not willing to listen and take on board what the other person is saying then for me that says they think they're always right and everyone else is wrong.

The good thing to come from this relationship is what I now know what my self worth is and I just can't be with someone like that.
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Oxford Mum
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Well done op, you can find someone much better, who may even get along well with your lovely nan.

You and strider hort are major bullet dodgers
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Oxford Mum)
Well done op, you can find someone much better, who may even get along well with your lovely nan.

You and strider hort are major bullet dodgers
I know I can find someone better now, the only worrying thing is on the surface she did get on with my nan. It shows just how two faced she could be.

I certainly feel like I’ve dodged a bullet though.
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Oxford Mum
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I know I can find someone better now, the only worrying thing is on the surface she did get on with my nan. It shows just how two faced she could be.

I certainly feel like I’ve dodged a bullet though.
Two faced is bad. There are far too many people in this world like that. Fortunately for you, she has taken off her mask, and showed you the beast beneath.
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Fermion.
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So me and my gf had a big argument last week. So we met up the other day to clear the air so to speak but I feel like it’s got me nowhere. When we met up I straight away apologised for if what I’d said and done annoyed her. Once I made my point I let her say what she wanted but straight away she was just angry, confrontational and swearing and shouting at me in public. I’m one of these people that believes if you have to resort to shouting and swearing then you can’t get your point across.

Whenever she’d say anything to me that how I’d made her feel recently I’d listen, apologise and take on board what she’d said and then give her answer that showed why I did what I did. But then if I gave her examples of something she’d done she’d either interrupt me by shouting and swearing or after I’d finished she’d just shrug her shoulders and not say anything which suggests she wasn’t listening or wouldn’t want to admit her faults.

This is an example of what happened. So just a bit of background information, my nan is 90 years old and lives on her own. She is riddled with arthritis and the furthest she can physically walk is to her bedroom which is about 15 metres but she needs a Zimmer frame to do that. She can’t even make herself a piece of toast in the kitchen. So my gf said that I make her feel second best sometimes, I asked her to give me an example and she said “you’re always at your nan’s beck and call if she needs help, you need to stop volunteering to help.” I listened to that and said I’m sorry if I made her feel that way but my nan has home care 4 times a day to help her but for example a few weeks ago her home care didn’t turn up to help her with her dinner. So I went down to do it, it was the best thing at the time that I go and do it because my mum who is her primary care giver was at the supermarket, my dad was in a meeting at work, both my sisters were at work and my brother in law was at home looking after his child so it made most sense that I went and made her dinner because I was best placed to do it. When I told her that she just shrugged her shoulders and didn’t say anything. It was as though I have her a good counter argument and she knows it but doesn’t want to admit she’s wrong.

I feel as though she is the one who always has to be right and this relationship is starting to become toxic.
She sounds like hard work. Dump her. I wouldn’t be with anyone who doesn’t let me prioritise my family.
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NonIndigenous
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So me and my gf had a big argument last week. So we met up the other day to clear the air so to speak but I feel like it’s got me nowhere. When we met up I straight away apologised for if what I’d said and done annoyed her. Once I made my point I let her say what she wanted but straight away she was just angry, confrontational and swearing and shouting at me in public. I’m one of these people that believes if you have to resort to shouting and swearing then you can’t get your point across.

Whenever she’d say anything to me that how I’d made her feel recently I’d listen, apologise and take on board what she’d said and then give her answer that showed why I did what I did. But then if I gave her examples of something she’d done she’d either interrupt me by shouting and swearing or after I’d finished she’d just shrug her shoulders and not say anything which suggests she wasn’t listening or wouldn’t want to admit her faults.

This is an example of what happened. So just a bit of background information, my nan is 90 years old and lives on her own. She is riddled with arthritis and the furthest she can physically walk is to her bedroom which is about 15 metres but she needs a Zimmer frame to do that. She can’t even make herself a piece of toast in the kitchen. So my gf said that I make her feel second best sometimes, I asked her to give me an example and she said “you’re always at your nan’s beck and call if she needs help, you need to stop volunteering to help.” I listened to that and said I’m sorry if I made her feel that way but my nan has home care 4 times a day to help her but for example a few weeks ago her home care didn’t turn up to help her with her dinner. So I went down to do it, it was the best thing at the time that I go and do it because my mum who is her primary care giver was at the supermarket, my dad was in a meeting at work, both my sisters were at work and my brother in law was at home looking after his child so it made most sense that I went and made her dinner because I was best placed to do it. When I told her that she just shrugged her shoulders and didn’t say anything. It was as though I have her a good counter argument and she knows it but doesn’t want to admit she’s wrong.

I feel as though she is the one who always has to be right and this relationship is starting to become toxic.
I remember another person complaining about very similar problems on this forum about 1-2 months ago. Was that you?

I believe my response was... she quite possibly learned to behave this way, because people put up with it from her. You, and others long before you. Well done for breaking up. Counter-intuitively, you might have done her a favor. Hopefully, she might just stand a chance to learn from this experience that her behavior was inappropriate.

On another note, it's something I'd been thinking about again recently. I've collided with some people before (many years ago by now) on the topic of how they prioritise their family. I don't want to undermine the importance of family with anything I'm about to say, but I think some people (moreso in some cultures than others) tolerate too many 'demands' from their own family. They will cancel elaborate plans that everyone was looking forward to, on the very last minute, because their mother for example arbitrarily decided and insisted that her son give her a lift in his car to the airport. On the last minute, even though tickets were booked weeks in advance, and plans were made months in advance. Refused to take a Taxi, even if it was paid for. This was an extreme example, so much so that initially I thought he made it up. Some people, never learn how to set boundaries with other family members and just end up getting bent over the radiator every time because of it. And it does ruin other friendships, relationships, and just life in general becomes far more stressful. This guy was an absolute doormat, thanks to how he was raised.

Obviously this doesn't apply here (I hope?). Just something that's been on my mind again.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by NonIndigenous)
I remember another person complaining about very similar problems on this forum about 1-2 months ago. Was that you?

I believe my response was... she quite possibly learned to behave this way, because people put up with it from her. You, and others long before you. Well done for breaking up. Counter-intuitively, you might have done her a favor. Hopefully, she might just stand a chance to learn from this experience that her behavior was inappropriate.

On another note, it's something I'd been thinking about again recently. I've collided with some people before (many years ago by now) on the topic of how they prioritise their family. I don't want to undermine the importance of family with anything I'm about to say, but I think some people (moreso in some cultures than others) tolerate too many 'demands' from their own family. They will cancel elaborate plans that everyone was looking forward to, on the very last minute, because their mother for example arbitrarily decided and insisted that her son give her a lift in his car to the airport. On the last minute, even though tickets were booked weeks in advance, and plans were made months in advance. Refused to take a Taxi, even if it was paid for. This was an extreme example, so much so that initially I thought he made it up. Some people, never learn how to set boundaries with other family members and just end up getting bent over the radiator every time because of it. And it does ruin other friendships, relationships, and just life in general becomes far more stressful. This guy was an absolute doormat, thanks to how he was raised.

Obviously this doesn't apply here (I hope?). Just something that's been on my mind again.
See my ex was getting annoyed because say we’d be going out at 1, I’d go to my nan’s house at 12, leave at 12:45 and text my ex I’m on my way and I’d still arrive at her house before 1 so I don’t see why she was so annoyed by it.
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