was he in the wrong

okay so me and my bf got into a fight and i was clearly in the wrong so my bf said cause ik i can be stubborn he said i need to learn a lesson which is understandable i thought it would just be clean up the kitchen this week but he said i have to watch 4 horror movies back to back on my own dosent sound bad but he knows im terrified of the dark he kept the door closed and stayed down stairs part of the punishment he dosnt turn on the light after the 3rd movie i was crying so much he ran upstairs and said he was sorry he was just trying to teach me a lesson. was he in the wrong

Reply 1

5hyl33n

Volunteer Team, Clearing and Applications Advisor

Original post by Anonymous

It sounds like a funny punishment. I wouldn’t be too worked up about it. He apologised so I don’t see the problem.

Hope that helped :smile:

Reply 2

Peaches267

This definitely counts as emotional abuse and there should not be any punishment for 'being in the wrong' in an argument! Of course perhaps he wasn't aware how much horror films scared you and didn't know that you would cry etc. But I would definitely have a chat with him about how it was not ok for him to do that and also be aware that if he does something like that again/gives out another 'punishment' this could develop into an abusive relationship and become more dangerous. Please stay safe!

Reply 3

cloudy.skies

I think he thought it would be a funny thing and something that you could laugh about in the future. However, making you sit through 4 films which is clearly something very scary for you is wrong.

You shouldn’t be told you need to be “taught a lesson”. As this can end up being dangerous.

He did apologise but he also did make you watch those films. I was in a toxic relationship and things that started out as funny things such as him making me ride a rollercoaster because I was scared, ended up terribly. Please please please stay safe.

Explain to him that you didn’t feel comfortable with it. Maybe talk about how you guys are going to deal with arguments in the future. If you fight, give each other some space and apologise. Fights shouldn’t lead to “punishments”.

Stay safe! If you need someone to talk to, message me!

Good luck ❤️

Reply 4

username1339858_

Lol I am absolutely terrified of horror movies. Once, I was made to watch a clip and I unaware it was a horror clip, I had a panic attack and didn't stop crying for an hour or so. I was jittery all week, and could not stay in the house alone or have the lights off. Think your story is similar in which he thought it would be funny and realised his mistake. Make him pay by having nightmares, you cannot control it and he will obviously have learnt not to do anything stupid like this again. This is the moment in which to tell him that 'punishments' are not needed and should not happen again, in any nature.

Reply 5

Dunnig Kruger

Even if he said this as a joke, that's in really poor taste. And is not the sort of bullying / controlling joke that he should be making.
If he was being serious there are 2 words that are an appropriate response, the second one being "off!"

Your boyfriend should NEVER be looking to punish you.

That's not how loving relationships work. He's not your dad. He's your boyfriend.
If you've done something wrong, that you've acnowledged was wrong, he should either leave you or carry on with you and treat it as water under the bridge.
Nobody's perfect. You haven't said what it was that you did wrong. Chances are it's nothing major at all. Nothing that's big enough for it to make sense for him to leave you. So he should just shut up and move on.

Compatability in how you resolve conflict is one of the key areas of a relationship. If he can't do that in a compatible way with you, you should leave him.

This "I was just trying to treat you a lesson" mentality should be ejected from him, never to return.
It's a terrible mentatlity.

Reply 6

ihsan99

Original post by Anonymous

It doesn't matter what you did. Even if you hurt him someway (which you didn't) it doesn't justify retaliation and this sounds like more than eye for an eye. You don't need to be taught a lesson. What you need is respect and it sounds like he's not showing that. He isn't judge jury and executioner and cannot force you to do anything you don't want to do :smile:

. You deserve just basic kindness.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Original post by Dunnig Kruger

sometimes i hate the punishments it can be anything but its only when i deserve it my bf knows im bad at making decisions and he has tried a lot of different things to help me learn from my mistakes this is the only thing that really works i just think using my fear was wrong he knows it took me 2 months to settle and sleep through the night when we moved in together out of fear

Reply 8

cloudy.skies

Original post by Anonymous

you shouldn’t have punishments in a relationship. please see this. you can have disagreements and arguments but punishing each other is not how to resolve these issues. talk them through, give each other space.

punishments are not part of a healthy relationship. please understand this.

Reply 9

Dunnig Kruger

Original post by Anonymous

What makes you think you're bad at making decisions?

Somebody has told you?
Someone like your boyfriend?

Ignore them. They were only saying you are bad at making decisions because you made a different decision to one they would have made.

If your self image is that you are bad at making decisions, it's time you overhauled your self-image. It's time you stopped dwelling on negatives and started reminding yourself of all the positives.

I bet that the reality is that you are good at making decisions.
For example you made the decision to start this thread. That was a good decision.

It's nonsense that your boyfriend should take it upon himself to help you learn from your mistakes. You are quite capable of learning from your mistakes without any help from him whatsoever. His attitude stinks because it is far too negative and controlling.

He should be gently encouraging and supporting you. He should not be focusing on your mistakes. His whole mindset is "I'm OK, you're not OK."
What you want is a boyfriend with an "I'm Ok, you're OK" mindset.

Above all, you do not deserve punishments from your boyfriend. Not a single one of them.
Bullies have an amazing way of making their victims feel that they deserve to be buiiled.

Think about it. It's no way to live as a loving couple. When one person is punishing (IE bullying) the other whenever they judge the other person to have made a mistake.
As a loving couple, both people tolerate the mistakes of the other person and never punish the other person. Because no one with any sense punishes themselves when they make a mistake. And in a romantic relationship you should treat your partner with about as much love, care and respect as you treat yourself.

Reply 10

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous

This isn't right a relationship is about companionship, love, fun not punishments and the fact that he punishes you sounds really abusive, it sounds like psychological abuse and this can turn into physical after a while.

Does he tell you more of one of these things? eg you are incapable of making the right decision instead of, I love you/like you/you are beautiful and amazing. A bf is meant to be caring/supportive and everything you are to them as it's a partnership of 50/50 not he tells you off and punishes you. ESPECIALLY IF HE IS APOLOGISING AFTER 'PUNISHING' YOU this is a big big red flag! Maybe look to family members or friends as they can usually spot these things and that's why you could end up isolated from them. Please either talk to him or get help/get out of this relationship.

I wish you figure this out and are okay!