Hey everyone, would really appreciate some help over whether me and my bf (im a guy too btw) are actually going to work. We have been going out for about 5/6 weeks. He asked ME out.
Me: 18, relatively new to gay scene, never had a proper bf
Him: 24, been with lots of guys on 1-night stands as well as in relationships
These are the problems I seem to have... that stop me feeling totally secure in the relationship.
1 - EMOTION
He sometimes acts cold towards me. He is an out and gay man (and quite CLEARLY so) and has no problem with people knowing he is gay, indeed he prefers to a slight extent sometimes broadcast it. Yet.... he never hugs me, rarely kisses me (and when he does it is just a peck on the lips, if I try and turn it passionate he tolerates it for a few seconds then backs away). He rarely holds my hand and once said "God you really like holding hands don't you?" in a really malicious way. Ive since obeyed his wishes and dont hold his hand, but it means we never ever get close. he did say that once in the past he had got hurt pretty bad, and that was why he sometimes appeared detached from me.
2 - SEX
ive recently been on holiday for 2 weeks, and texting between us was the only way we could communicate. the texts at one point turned a little dirty. by this time we had been going out for 3/4 weeks and i asked him "when are you going to have me?" (in a sexual sense), to which he responded when "we are both ready". im fine not rushing into sex, but when its a relationship between 2 guys, sex seems to come ALOT faster then when its a man/woman. he shows no sexual attraction towards me at all. as is said below, he has had it off with quite a number of guys (he once said around 60, and he is only 24). why, for a guy with such a strong sex drive, does he not feel inclined to make sex part of our relationship?
3 - MONEY
compared to him, im well off, which doesnt bother me at all. initially i would treat him to things and take him places im used to going to (nice restraunts rather than fast food etc) and obviously (which im fine with) pay as ive taken him there. except now its got to the point where i pay everytime wherever we go, ive set a dangerous precedent.
4 - PAST
he is kind of known for having been with alot of guys in relationships as well as purely sexually. he seems to treat relationships with contempt.
A few other things have been worrying me:
1 when he wanted to show something to me on his phone, his background pic was of his ex bf, who has has said before is still a good friend, but i just find it weird. he has numerous face pics of the same ex-bf on his phone which worries me.
At the moment, none of the core benefits of a relationship are being got by either me or him (no emotional connection, no sex, no financial cooperation). Its like going out with a plank of wood or a stuffed toy.
anyone got any ideas/observations?
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Are we going to work? Help greatly appreciated! watch
- Thread Starter
- 28-08-2008 16:36
- 28-08-2008 17:06
hmm, well I'm assuming that since he was the one who asked you out, he must find you attractive. I'd say give him more of a chance and don't let his past reputation (if he's not an obvious player) affect how you think about him unless you have pretty strong evidence that he has cheated on you (which it doesn't sound like he has). When you say he treats relationship with contempt, is this obvious in the way he speaks about them? As for the lack of intimacy, some people just don't like public displays of affection, or is this also when you're alone together? He has given you an explaination for this, so at least it's not like he's not telling you anything. If he asked you out and is still going out with you then he's probably still attracted to you. I wouldn't worry about the sex, it'll happen when it happens, best not to think about or try to rush it, just make sure you're ready by having condoms so you stay safe It's probably a good thing that you're not rushing into it, makes this relationship a bit different to his others (which you don't know the details of anyway) and means he's willing to wait for the right time and not rush it. The money thing would give me the most concern, perhaps next time you go out ask him if he minds treating you? Like you say, it could be a dangerous precedent. Maybe just have a chat with him about your concerns so that you both know where you stand and have an opportunity to get to know each other a bit better, communication's the most important thing in any relationship!
- 28-08-2008 17:06
Hercules beleives you should judge him purely on how he treats YOU and not what his past was like, Hercules beleives with th other guys he may not of felt anything special, with you he may feel its special and want to take things slower, he may not want to lose you by rushing into things too fast
- 28-08-2008 17:15
maybe he isn't rushing with you( even just kissing and the like) because he doesn't want to be the kind of person he used to be anymore? Maybe he considers his relationship with you to be more serious then his one night stands so he wants to take it slow and make sure you don't feel he just wants you for sex? Also maybe he has been hurt before, which is why he went on to do so many one night stands, but now he feels ready to have a proper relationship again. The money thing is a bit iffy, maybe see if he will pay for himself sometimes but if you are a bit more well off i wouldn't expect him to buy for you both that often, but lol maybe i just like to spoil people when ever i have any money.
- 28-08-2008 17:15
He doesn't sound like he's much fun to go out with! Think about it - why are you even trying to make it work? I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but from the way you describe it, there doesn't seem to be much of a connection between you.
You say you are new to the gay scene - maybe considering that and your age, you should just have fun, date some different guys and see what's out there.
The last thing you need is to be tied down to a guy who doesn't seem to want to sleep with you, seems cold and won't even hold your hand!
There's plenty of time whn you're older for "proper" relationships. I think your teens and early 20s are definitely the time to not be tied down (especialy to someone who you are clearly not sure about) and just have fun!