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Problems with parents. For Gods sake... (longgg)

I’m having probs at home with parents.

They found out I used to smoke cigs in my 1st year at uni, and now bring it up on what seems to be a daily basis. I don’t like them bringing it up, and I’ve told them to leave it out but they keep at it. I’m not proud yet they keep on at me like I don’t know I did something I shouldn’t have.

They also think I drink too much. I go for a social drink (with mates/colleagues) on average twice a week for a single drink after work (cheeky pint), then once more for maybe 3-4 drinks (usually on Friday after pay-day after work with colleagues who are also good mates). This is a max of 6-7 drinks per week, which is well below the 21 units pw for men.

However, they keep arguing with me over that too, where it has gotten to the point where I come home from a long day at work, expecting to just relax for a bit. The first thing that happens is that my paranoid mum sniffs me, then accuses me of smoking even if I’ve not been near them for weeks.

Then on the days I do go out for a cheeky pint they accuse me of being drunk, and that they can smell it on my breath.

I’m not a hardcore drinker, and it takes me a good 9-10 drinks to get me to the point where I’m unsure what’s happening, but they don’t know how much it takes despite me telling them over and over.

They don’t understand, they don’t want to find out, and if I tell them the answer to a question then I get argued at for ‘thinking you have all the answers’, whereas if I didn’t know the answer I get ‘you should do your homework then’ so neither way can I actually win.

In fact I’m not even trying to win; I just wana live my life and be happy in my own way, and as a result I dislike going home to that arguing. Because of that I go out for a drink, and because I feel rather unhappy with my home life at the mo, I feel like getting smashed every time I do go for a drink.

Apart from my smoking, and apparent alcoholism, I have much to celebrate. I spent last year on a course I didn’t really have a passion for, and have found the course I wana do at a really good uni (top 5), and am due to start next month. I know it’s only another month but this is ridiculous. I wana leave now.

I have, in actual fact, already started looking over my reading list, and started looking at some of the topics so I know some stuff when I get there.

My parents are rather a lot older too in fairness (dad is approaching 65, mum 60) so it is difficult for them to understand my outlook on life, but they shouldn’t be trying to enforce their outlook over mine. It’s my life at the end of the day.

They think I should stay at home every night, and do something wholesome and productive rather than having a drink every now and then and actually socialising with friends, (which is the main reason for the odd drink anyway).

Long post so apologies – wanted it off my chest :s-smilie:

. Any advice or people in a similar position?
Cheerrrssss

Reply 1

OiaB

edit: totally misread. sorry :biggrin:

maybe they don't like the idea of you moving out and having your own life so trying to control the things they had control over when you were 16 lets say.

congrats on your new Uni place :smile:

but i reckon you should just put that as the focus of your life. Just think. Its only a month! You'll be fine after that, won't you?

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

I'm going to be, but I don't want to have a bad relationship with them. They are my parents, and I do actually love them lots... they just don't understand anything I do, and I think it's probably a generation thing but thats not my fault? I'm not trying to piss em off ( I got accused of being a rebel today by my dad, which is soo not true - I just wana live my life).

I go through times when I explain the situation to them, they understand fully, discuss it amongst themselves and decided I'm trying to pull a fast one when I'm actually telling them the genuine truth...

Reply 3

generalebriety

My only advice is that parents will be parents. It's their house, and at the end of the day if you're living in it you don't really have a leg to stand on - and they will exploit that loophole all they can because they're scared of anything happening to you. You can't just call it a "cheeky pint", though, as if that excuses anything; if they're so convinced that a pint is that bad, you might as well be talking about a "cheeky joint". You're complaining they can't see it from your point of view, but you can't seem to see it from theirs either! Telling them "it takes me 10 drinks to get smashed" is unlikely to make them see your point of view, rather it'll make them think "the next time he wants to get drunk, he's gonna fill himself with a gallon of beer", which they clearly don't want. You should be reassuring them you don't want to get drunk, you just want to socialise. And if you do want to get drunk, well... I dunno what to suggest. If they don't want you getting drunk and then returning to their house in that condition, you can't do much about it.

I think tact and discussion are the answers, and from this post you seem capable of neither. Don't just continue going out for your "cheeky" acts of insubordination, because that'll just make them even more protective of you - sit them down and discuss it calmly with them, reassure them that you're sensible and safe, and you might reach some sort of compromise.

Reply 4

OiaB

I understand that. I think parents just get stuck in their ways, and refuse at point blank range to change their ways. My beloved father is a prime example - he spends his life wallowing in self pity, no matter what i say to him. Because its always someone else's fault!

Just persist with them - but don't get angry. Just continue calmly explaining it to them, and maybe they will realise. Especially when they see how well your doing with Uni etc.

Parents are crap :smile:

if you love them, then it'll work out.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Good advice thanks.

I don't go out for the drink itself - it's the socialising which does happen to take place over a drink. I wouldn't drink alone for example.

I can see that it's can be dangerous, but I'm always safe, I'm always sensible. I mean I was the one who organises everything in this house - whenever they need to phone the gas company, organised a previous mortgage (helped them fill the forms, found out all the terms, spoke to the brokers, dealt with estate agents - essentially me buying it on their behalf), speak to the cable people I do it all. I have proven Im responsible and I can take care of myself, drunk or not so they should just let me get on with it.

Understood they don't want me coming home drunk but that NEVER happens. I may be slightly tipsy to the point of slightly slower speach but never falling down stairs, unable to speak or vomiting. EVER. ( I have done in the past a few years back yet I don't any more, and they know I'm beyond that stage.)

I'm 20 and I still get told what to do... I just got told to go to sleep - I mean ffs I don't have a bed time still do i?! :p:

I enjoy eating salad and fruit but I'm still getting told that I need to eat it as though I currently don't...

Argh dno - just waiting for next month...